Mr Sleepy Head

I have just returned from a trip to Oman and am desperately trying to adjust my body clock to match UK time. Even though there is only three hours difference between Muscat and my sleep has been curtailed by being jammed up in economy class like a battery hen on a flight that left Abu Dhabi at 2:30 and flew overnight.

I hardly got a wink of sleep, either smashing my legs on the seat in front or being pushed by somnambulists, walking down the aisle in a trance on their way to the toilet having quaffed too much liquid in the airport.

I arrived at home at 8:30 in the morning and went straight to bed. And today, a day later, I am shattered and don’t know when to sleep.

There are people I work with who follow the mantra of Mr Motivator, whose drive and desire to work at 200% mean that, in their opinion, there aren’t enough hours in a day. Such people think that I should have gone into work on Friday – for at least half a day, “because there is so much to do and the work won’t complete itself”.

I wasn’t asked directly – probably because the people concerned know that my response would have rhymed with “duck trough”.

I have many reasons to dislike (and for some people actually detest) those who follow the work ethics of Mr Motivator but lack of sleep and tiredness are major ones.

When I travel to a place like China, a journey that can last over 18 hours, I am expected to work as soon as I possibly can after I arrive. The first day of work is usually totally non-productive because of jet lag.

How people expect you to work, when the time difference is eight hours and you have travelled for almost an entire day on at least one long haul flight on an aircraft where sleep is utterly impossible, is totally beyond my comprehension.

Yet it happens.

And that is just the travelling aspect. I have heard Mr Motivator say absurd things like:

“Don’t believe people who say that you need a minimum of seven hours of sleep a night are just lazy. You can get by on four hours. Margaret Thatcher did – and so do I!”

Everybody needs a different amount of sleep. Not everyone is like Mr Motivator. I would go further and say that while Mr Motivator thinks he can get away with only five hours sleep, the reality is that he can’t. You will see him sitting there yawning occasionally and totally fuelled by caffeine to get him through the day.

I’ve done some research on this and I hope that Mr Motivator is reading because people really do need sleep. Here are ten effects of lack of sleep:

(1) Tiredness causes accidents. If you live miles away from work and have to drive on a motorway after only a couple of hours’ sleep, the chances of having an accident because of drowsiness and slow reaction times is vastly increased.

(2) You are more stupid. Lack of sleep impairs concentration and alertness and slows down your capacity to think clearly. In a job like mine, where I need to use my brain to solve problems, I need a full night’s sleep to make my mind sharp for the challenges of the day. This may explain some of Margaret Thatcher’s ridiculous policy decisions.

(3) You look older. Sleep deprivation can have a detrimental effect on your skin, as well as those bags under your puffy eyes, making you look as if you have aged a number of years.  The term “beauty sleep” was not coined as a joke. And it is quite clear that I need a lot of beauty sleep.

(4) Increased health problems. Being a hypochondriac, I wish I hadn’t discovered this. Lack of sleep can increase your chances of suffering from heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes and diabetes.

(5) Lower sex drive. Apparently age has an effect on your sex drive so if you are also not getting enough sleep then your libido will suffer. I can’t make myself younger (God knows I’ve tried) so I think I need more sleep.

(6) Depression. Depression is bad enough but if you can’t or won’t sleep because you are depressed, the  condition can be aggravated.

(7) Forgetfulness. As I grow older my memory is fading slowly but if you do not sleep enough, your already addled brain struggles even more to locate nuggets of information locked in your mind in little boxes labelled “Do not forget this”.

(8) You get fatter. Latest research suggests that lack of sleep can increase your appetite, causing you to eat more and therefore put on weight.

(9) Impaired judgement. Your brain suffers quite a lot because of sleep deprivation but as well as the effects mentioned above, your ability to assess situations correctly is also impaired.

(10) Increased risk of death. Possibly the scariest effect is that lack of sleep can increase the risk of fatal health issues.

If you are reading this, Mr Motivator, and think that I should spend more of my time working and not sleeping then you can think again. You may feel like you can survive on five or six hours’ sleep but I can’t. I need at least seven hours and I will continue to do that.

I am pretty sure that any readers who regularly wake up naturally after a full night of sleep will agree with me that there is no better feeling. You are refreshed, your brain is alert and you do not need a bulletproof caffeine injection to stimulate your groggy brain into action.

There may not be enough hours is a day for you Mr Motivator, but that is your problem and not mine.

I will not lose any sleep over your ill-judged advice, particularly if I have just suffered the ignominy of trying to sleep on a crammed aircraft next to a snoring bloater who is so fat that every time he moves, the entire aircraft shifts to the right, causing my knees to smash into the seat once more.

You should not have to adapt to a lifestyle created by Mr Motivator, dear reader; tell him to bugger off and get your eight hours of sleep.

You will feel healthier than he does.

I feel like starting a campaign.

Who’s with me?

The Oxymoron

Many years ago, I had an appraisal at work. I liked the guy who was giving me my appraisal and he liked me so I regarded this little interview as a formality that would tick the right boxes and satisfy the corporate powers that be.

Usually with such interviews, the appraiser has to ask people who work with you what they think of your ability to do the job. Again, nobody had ever told me that I was useless and at the time I thought that I was good enough at my job not to attract negative vibes from my co-workers, so again I was happy that the boat would not be rocked.

It wasn’t – but there was a little wobble.

If you read my post called Mr Motivator Strikes Again, written earlier this month, you will no doubt remember Dirk, my former colleague who climbed the corporate ladder then promptly fell down again.

He had something to say about me at my appraisal.

He told my appraiser that when it came to estimating software effort I was absolutely rubbish.

My appraiser brought this up and I laughed.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked.

“Is Dirk suggesting that I can’t estimate?”

“Yes,” he said. “He says your estimates aren’t accurate enough.”

I laughed again.

“Listen to what you are saying,” I said. “How can you have an accurate estimate? An estimate by its very nature is a guess and you cannot accurately guess every single time. It’s an oxymoron.”

He agreed, particularly when I reminded him that many people struggle to estimate.

“How long will this take?” is a very difficult question to answer. You can guess and sometimes the guess is reasonable. The problem is that there are so many factors that will affect your guess. That’s why major projects overrun, such as the construction of Wembley Stadium a few years ago. Sometimes they are earlier than expected but ultimately the most you can hope for is an educated guess based on previous experience.

How can it be accurate?

This got me thinking about other oxymorons. Here are a few I found while surfing the web:

A fine mess
Found missing
Civil war
Plastic glasses
Accurate horoscope
Act naturally
Crash landing
Alone together
Holy war
Student teacher
Same difference
Man child
Simple calculus
Poor rich kid
Bug fix
Pretty ugly
Religious tolerance
Free gift
Organised chaos
Hell’s angel
Alone in a crowd
Silent scream
Alcohol free beer
Ill health
Rap music
Christian soldiers
Live recording
Amicable divorce
Bad luck
Boxing ring
Genuine imitation
Decaffeinated coffee
Open secret
Peace force
Half full
Working holiday
Virtual reality

The world of politics throws up some good ones:

Political promise
Political trust
Political ethics

And my favourite:

Politically correct

The favourite one I have actually heard was during a discussion about religion was a menace to society and the cause of a lot of trouble in the world. One of the protagonists actually said the following sentence without blinking or considering the words he had said:

“I think people who follow religion are just deluded. Thank God I am an atheist.”

You are now immortalised on this blog, my friend.

And that’s terribly good.

Now over to you, dear reader. 

Have you got any good oxymorons to share? 

Or bad ones? 

The Art Of Underachievement

When I look back on my life, I do so with a sense of satisfaction, a touch of sadness, a lot of euphoria and smidgeon of pride. I have achieved enough to keep me happy and one thing is certain: I have not sold my soul.

I am comfortable and the balance in my life is not that far from perfect; it could be better but it could also be far, far worse.

Yet there are certain people in the world who might look at my life and call me a failure – or at least an underachiever.

Such people rule the world; such people sacrifice everything to climb the corporate and social ladder. They have one goal in mind – to be the best – or even the best of the best – or, absurdly, the best of the best of the best – you catch my drift I’m sure.

Such people look down on me because, in their eyes, I have the potential to move on in life. They probably look down on you too, dear reader.

I have a problem with this philosophy and there are good reasons why.Let’s take one of these rulers, these overachievers and give him a name: Mr Motivation.

Mr Motivation is driven, so driven in fact that he is blinkered. His focus is his career or his determination to climb the corporate ladder, or to achieve absolute greatness in whatever field he has targeted and he will do anything to get there.

While his ambitions may be admirable, the cost of achieving those ambitions is too high for somebody like me.

I will illustrate what I mean with a conversation between me, as an underachiever, and Mr Motivation as an overachiever.

Mr Motivation: What have you achieved in life?

Plastic Mancunian: I have a job, I have a lovely lady, two kids, a car a house, three cats and I get to travel, write a blog and relax as and when the need or the desire arises. I’ve achieved enough.

Mr Motivation: Sounds dull. How much do you earn?

Plastic Mancunian: Enough to keep me happy and pay the bills.

Mr Motivation: Well, looking at your car and your house – and the area where you live, you just seem ordinary to me.

Plastic Mancunian: That’s what I am – an ordinary bloke.

Mr Motivation: How boring. You could be so much more. You have a degree and you are obviously intelligent. Why are you not running your company? How can you be happy with your life as it is?

Plastic Mancunian: I prefer a decent work/life balance. I go to work; I do my job; I come home; I do the things I want to do.

Mr Motivation: Pointless. You should strive to be the best. That’s the kind of drivel I hear from underachievers everywhere. Let me tell you what I have achieved in the last ten years. I am the managing director of a multimillion pound company. Last week alone I secured the biggest deal in the history of my niche. I drive a Bentley, own two Porsches and a seven bedroomed house in the Cheshire countryside. I climbed to the top in record time. I work my fingers to the bone. I don’t just “do my job”; I excel at my job. I go above and beyond the call of duty every single day of the week. I work as many hours as I can to achieve what I want – and it doesn’t stop there. I want to move on and earn millions.

Plastic Mancunian: Nobody cares.

Mr Motivation: Excuse me?

Plastic Mancunian: Nobody cares. Of all the billions of people who live on this planet, how many people do you think give a damn about your promotions, your cars, your house or the fact that you secured a multimillion pound deal?

Mr Motivation: Aren’t you impressed?

Plastic Mancunian: Not really. And let me tell you this – neither is anybody else. Your friends may congratulate you but really only those closest to you will care. Joe Bloggs in the street won’t give two hoots. So – you’ve bought a new Ferrari. Big deal. I’d like to drive one, and I’d be happy to be a passenger if you offered to drive me around – but impressed? Nah!!

Mr Motivation: That’s so sad.

Plastic Mancunian: Why?

Mr Motivation: It just shows that you have no goals to better yourself.

Plastic Mancunian: Do you believe that you are better than me because you have material goods? Because you have sacrificed so much time to get where you are? My soul is intact – is yours?

Mr Motivation: What do you mean?

Plastic Mancunian: Well I can’t help but notice that you are carrying a Blackberry that has been chirruping constantly during our conversation.

Mr Motivation: That’s because I am important. I am constantly on call and need to be able to react to get things done – to make more money – to be the best.

Plastic Mancunian: But it’s Saturday afternoon. How many hours work do you do on average?

Mr Motivation: I work 60 sometimes 70 hours a week. You have to do that if you want to be the best.

Plastic Mancunian: Okay – but that phone is still chirruping – so you probably work longer.

Mr Motivation: I reap the rewards. You can see where I am.

Plastic Mancunian: Well I think you’ve sacrificed your soul to be the best. The problem is that aiming “to be the best” while admirable, is not always achievable and it comes at a cost – you are blinkered and don’t see life outside your tunnel vision. Tell me, when was the last time you had a decent holiday? Or spent quality time with your wife and kids? When was the last time you relaxed?

Mr Motivation: You’re just lazy. I am hard working and that’s why I am where I am and you will remain stuck in a rut.

Plastic Mancunian: I’m happy in my rut. I have ambitions but not materialistic ambitions. I want to be happy and I know what I need to do to make me happy. The difference between you and I is that I haven’t sold my soul to achieve it. I realise my own limitations. And I don’t want to be unhealthy because of it.

Mr Motivation: Unhealthy?

Plastic Mancunian: Yes – stressed. Don’t tell me you aren’t stressed.

Mr Motivation: Absolutely not. Nevertheless, my goals demand constant attention and until I achieve them, I am on edge. I work best when on edge.

Plastic Mancunian: You’re stressed then. Tell me something else: can I be the best?

Mr Motivation: Yes – everybody can be the best.

Plastic Mancunian: That’s not true though is it? How can everybody be the best? Surely only those people who are the best can be the best. How can everybody, say, in the UK “be the best”?

Mr Motivation: Now you’re just being facetious.

Plastic Mancunian: But I’m not though. If you go for a promotion with two colleagues and you all work your bollocks off – and you achieve that promotion and that seven figure salary – what have you achieved? Sure – your family might be happy at more money – but the two guys who failed will not be the best, will they? They will have failed. And you will have worked stupid hours, sacrificing your life and another chunk of your soul, just to say that you are the best – until the time you fail. Is the money really worth it if you can’t enjoy it? Will the seven figure salary really make your life easier if it means that you now get 200 emails more a day, have to work every weekend for the next six years, only get a week or two off and have to take your laptop with you if you go on holiday? That lifestyle is not for me. I’m happy with my own balanced, stress free life.

Mr Motivation: You’re an underachiever.

Plastic Mancunian: If that's what you think then I'm proud of it.

Aggravators Incorporated

Aggravators Incorporated is the ideal company for employees who despise laziness. We believe that any form of indolence, no matter how fleeting, is an absolute sin, punishable by a life sentence in jail.

We are an excellent company that thrives on the excellence and diligence of each and every employee. Our recruitment techniques have won awards. We refuse to allow anybody to become an employee of Aggravators Incorporated unless they pass a series of gruelling interviews, terrifying aptitude tests, bloodcurdling personality tests and survive two days with our ex-SAS sergeant major who thrives on inflicting dangerous team building challenges involving karate, knives, guns and medieval instruments of torture.

Only then can an employee be deemed suitable for a position at our company.

For those who make it (and there a few) we demand 1000% commitment. Anything less will result in severe disciplinary action.

Our working practices have been described as “impossible”, “insane” and “illegal” by indolent observers, yet we thrive on achieving the impossible.

Our employees have been described as breathtakingly arrogant, pompous beyond belief, subhuman psychopaths and crazy, yet we still surpass all of our targets.

And now we plan to push those boundaries even further.

We are already the best of the best of the best of the best. We are campaigning to have the word “excellence” redefined in the Oxford English Dictionary to refer exclusively to the achievements of Aggravators Incorporated.

But we want more.

Why strive for 1000% when there is a higher target? We can achieve 2000%.

The challenge has been laid down. We have thrown down the gauntlet to corporations and governments. We have licked the arse of the "Working Time Directive" and stuffed a custard pie into the face of "Employee Rights".

We will prevail. We always do. We love a challenge and in order to increase our productivity we are taking the following measures will will help us to achieve our new so called “unattainable” targets.

(1) Holidays – At the present time we have bowed to UK and European corporate law and allowed our employees to take holidays. How can we achieve excellence if we allow our staff to take time off to “be with their family”? Almost all of our employees have no family. And we are certainly assisting the others to dispense with next of kin by encouraging divorce. After all, families encourage laziness and at Aggravators Incorporated we loathe laziness of any kind. Our first step therefore is to phase out annual leave over the next year. From January 1st 2011, employees who ask for annual leave will be dismissed immediately and sued for causing the company to lose an asset. How can we achieve our projected profit margins if we lose assets?

(2) The Working Day – The average working day in the UK is from 9am to 5pm. What craziness is that? How can market leading, ground breaking companies at the forefront of their industry be expected to keep their share holders in the lifestyle they are used to by only working eight hours a day? Are employees expected to wallow in sloth for the remaining sixteen hours? We think not. Therefore, from 1st January 2011, employees will expected to work from 8am until midnight, allowing eight hours sleep. It should be noted that our employees are so wired on a cocktail of extra-strong triple strength coffee and Red Bull that they require much less sleep. So from 1st June 2011 the working day will be extended further from 6am to 1 am.

(3) The Working Week – Laziness is encouraged in the western world by allowing employees to rot in their own filth for two days every week. Those who do not slob around in their pits of apathy are encouraged to pursue pointless activities such as visiting family, extra-curricular activities, such as hobbies, and socialising and having fun. At Aggravators Incorporated we hate this kind of meaningless pastime – why should people be allowed to have a life outside of work? What can they possibly achieve? How will it help our business? It will not. Therefore, from 1st January 2011, the working week will be extended to seven days.

(4) Bank Holidays – Why are these pointless days called “Bank” Holidays when they lose money for corporations such as ours? Money cannot be earned having a day off decreed by a lazy government that encourages apathy amongst its citizens. We therefore defy the government and will from 1st January 2011 ban Bank Holidays including Easter, Christmas, New Years Day and those idiotic pagan days dreamt up by indolent peasants in the past.

(5) Sleeping – We acknowledge that our employees need to sleep (despite our attempts to keep them awake with caffeine and drugs) so we propose to install beds in all of our offices to maximise efficiency. The beds will in fact be chairs that can be tilted back. Furthermore, these beds will have built in alarm clocks that are preset to wake up the occupant at precisely 0558. Employees must log on within two minutes and start selling or they are given an electric shock. When the employee is alert, assistants will be on hand to complete the waking up process with copious amounts of monster strength coffee and Red Bull. This takes effect from 1st June 2010 because we have to wait for delivery of the chairs from a company that is so unreliable they allow their employees to work part time. Such practices should be made illegal.

(6) Toilets – Another source of inefficiency amongst employees is the need to answer the call of Mother Nature. Even we cannot combat this inefficiency in the design of the human being which means that we have to adjust our business practices to accommodate this flaw. Unfortunately the building we occupy is badly designed and the toilets are quite frankly too far away from the average employee. Sometimes it takes as long as ten minutes to use the facilities. How can a company make profit with such poor working practices? We are fighting back by installing toilet facilities inside the chair-beds described above. A strategically placed hole will be provided to allow employees to continue working while answering the call. Interruptions will be eliminated. Unfortunately we must wait for the apparatus to be installed – it is a travesty that we simply have to deal with these appalling companies. In the meantime, therefore we will be installing power points, wireless routers, fax machines, printers and video-conferencing facilities in all of our toilet cubicles until the chair-beds are adapted towards Quarter 3 in 2011.

(7) Coffee Breaks – We positively encourage our employees to consume as much coffee as possible to maintain their optimal brain capacity and processing ability throughout the working day. However, the act of preparing coffee is inefficient not to mention the time taken to walk to the kitchen. Furthermore, thanks to CCTV cameras installed in the kitchen, we have discovered that certain employees have been talking about subjects other than work. That is quite frankly scandalous and must be discouraged before it mutates into other fruitless pursuits such as discussing sport or the weather. Thankfully these skiving, lazy sub-humans have been dismissed and prosecuted for stealing resources from the company. To combat this, we will employ a system that delivers coffee and Red Bull on demand to the desk. To save even more time, a tube will be inserted into the employee’s mouth and the liquid fed in, eliminating the inefficient practice of picking up mug, thus making the employee even more capable. We hope to install the apparatus by June 1st 2011.

(8) Food – Another flaw in nature is the requirement to eat. This flaw is very damaging and encourages alarming inefficiency at many levels. We will therefore be installing a human based system that will allow employees to be spoon-fed three times a day. Sadly we have to employ lesser humans to fulfil this purpose – at least for the short term. Nevertheless, we are hoping that our innovation department will complete the design for the robot slave as soon as possible. The human food providers will be employed on January 1st 2010. The date for the robot slaves is unknown but initial estimates are encouraging – 1st January 2012.

(9) Sickness – Sickness is not permitted. Anybody who is so sick that they cannot achieve our 2000% targets will be dismissed immediately - unless they make up the hours.

(10) Profit – Profit is the goal of Aggravators Incorporated. We work, we earn and we aim to be the biggest global company generating the most cash for our shareholders. We have several schemes to claw in as much cash as we can get our hard-working hands on:

(a) Our customers are royalty and must be treated as such, with money being no object. However, we simply cannot encourage our employees to waste company money by splashing out on expensive meals, copious amounts of alcohol, cigars and lap-dancing bars for these scrounging thieving sub-human arses. Our employees must therefore pay for all entertainment costs themselves, while at the same time spending as much money as possible to encourage our customers to give us their cash. This new expense regime comes into effect on 1st January 2010.

(b) Employees are sometimes sent away on business and while this is a necessary part of corporate life, we simply cannot allow such practices to gouge a massive hole in our finances. Therefore from 1st January 2010 all employees who are expected to go on business must pay for hire cars, petrol, fuel, flight tickets, taxis, food, hotels – everything in fact – from their own pockets.

(c) Our company is the best company in the world. Our employees earn an average of £200,000 per annum. However we feel that our employees are fortunate to work at Aggravators Incorporated and therefore must pay for the privilege. We therefore charge each employee the sum of £150,000 per annum for the privilege. We propose to increase profit by raising this employee contribution to £175,000 starting from January 1st 2010.

As you can see, we aim to become the most profitable and richest company in the world. Aggravators Incorporated is already a household name and you can perhaps see why we are such a wonderful company.

Please come to work for us. We are struggling to recruit for reasons that we cannot fathom.

We’re desperate …