Women's Rules For Men

My lack of knowledge and confusion when it comes to the female of the species is a recurrent theme in this blog and I try to make it part of my life to solve the mystery that is womankind. So far I have failed. Not only have I failed, I have failed spectacularly. Not only have I failed spectacularly I have had to endure pain, both physical and mental, as a result.

Perhaps my problems could be solved if there were an evening class to study the female mind. No such luck. The path to understanding females is a rocky one, strewn with traps, pitfalls and dangers. And I am like a short-sighted wanderer, stumbling into every single one of them.

Nevertheless, today I found something that may help me on my quest. I discovered “Rules For Men” but written by a woman. Now I don’t want to be subservient but at least they may give me some idea of how to react under certain situations and maybe a way to win favour.

Here they are – and below are my comments:

The female always makes the rules.

Oh dear! That’s a bad start.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

They’re not making it easy are they guys?

No male can possibly ever know the rules.

Talk about making life difficult. Is there any man on the planet who understands women?

If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

OK, four rules in and I feel like I’m trying to nail jelly to a wall.

The female is never wrong.

So to get a peaceful life I have to reply “You’re right, dear” whenever we have a discussion or argument – is that it?

If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said wrong or did wrong.

Well thanks for clearing that up then. Basically whatever the problem is, it’s my fault.

If the previous rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

I can see “I’m sorry” becoming my most used phrase.

The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

I knew this rule – that’s one of the reasons for my constant confusion.

The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

So much for no subservience …

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

Ah – I can see that I could possibly use this to my advantage. If she’s angry or upset then we may as well do something worthy of that anger. Fancy a pint, lads?

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

I will calmly sip my beer in the pub as she rants and raves at home. She can ring me up if she wants me to be angry in which case I will do so – after I have finished my pint.

The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

OK – no phone call then.

After reading those rules I am still none the wiser. All I have learned is that if Mrs PM is angry and upset because of something I have or haven’t done then I should pop out to the pub. Whether or not she will be even more angry upon my return I don’t know. Perhaps I could try buying flowers – that hasn’t worked in the past though.

One final thought: I know that I am not alone. I know that there are mates of mine who actually think that they understand women but fall foul of their lack of knowledge on a regular basis. Now that this blog is public I am sure that there will be comments but all I can say is that I have proof of their ignorance, with some failures much more spectacular than others.

As for my quest, I am more confused than ever. But fear not – I am determined to carry on. I will learn and I will post my progress.

I must dash now; Mrs PM wants me to nail some jelly to the wall.

Rules For Men

What makes a man a man? How do men believe that they should behave? How do women think that men should behave? Why don’t I stop asking stupid questions?

I’m curious about people. I’m that kind of weirdo. And I like to watch and learn from the way other people behave. Sadly, there are two distinct types of people; men and women. I do not understand women but I do, at least to some degree, comprehend the component parts of the typical behaviour patterns of your average male. I do have a head start – I am a man myself (or so I’ve been told).

I’ve been investigating how the world (the female world in particular) perceives the male form and have once again scoured the internet for guidance and added some items of my own (based on my own pitiful experience). Here are a few of the more important rules that will allow you, as a man, to live a happy and fulfilled life:

Never ever, ever, ever, ever speak to another man in a public toilet. If you meet somebody you know just nod to them but do not under any circumstances whatsoever make eye contact.

Do not ever even consider wearing a sarong. You will be laughed at by other men. I know David Beckham did this (almost certainly under duress or under the misguided idea that he would be an innovator) but he did not pull it off. Every single man in England laughed.

If your car breaks down and you are not a mechanic, open up the bonnet and stare at the engine nodding sagely, particularly when the breakdown truck arrives.

What happens on the stag party stays on the stag party. Never ever, ever take a camera to a stag party. Never ever tell anybody who was not there any details of what happened.

Do not share an umbrella with another man.

Never cry at a film in the company of other men. When in the company of women it should be encouraged unless there is another man present or one of the women is your sadistic sister, the kind who will tell your mates.

Never ask another man what his star sign is. You may be killed.

The only permissible question at a football match is “What’s the score?”

Do not ever ask any other man to explain the offside rule,

Do not ever buy Christmas or birthday cards for other men.

Never let a woman touch the TV remote control.

Do not under any circumstances wear sandles and socks. In fact, if you really want my advice, give the sandles a miss altogether.

Do not allow a beard to grow more a centimetre in length.

Avoid shopping with women. It will end in tears.

Never shave when drunk (I speak from personal experience).

Work to live – not the other way round.

If a man buys you a beer accept it – even if it is horrible.

Never ever drink cocktails containing umbrellas.

Never tell another man he is “flying low”.

Never talk to your wife/girlfriend/partner about relationships involving your mates.

Never drive a pink or orange car. Do not ever, ever, ever drive a fluorescent green car (again I speak from experience).

There is no reason for men to watch any of the following TV programmes: “Desperate Housewives”, “Strictly Come Dancing”, “The X Factor”, “Wife Swap”, “Big Brother”.

Never, ever, ever, ever allow the lady in your life to persuade you to see a boy band in concert.

If your lady wants to watch the big game with you, do not allow her to ask a single question other than “What’s the score?”. If you do, you will not see the rest of the game.

There are many more rules that I may post later. I have made mistakes (too many to mention) but have tried to abide by the above rules. I know for a fact that if you inadvertently break one of the above rules you will only do it once.

I’m off now to watch Manchester United v Celtic – and Mrs PM will be watching “Desperate Housewives”. Guess who will watching on the portable TV?