I managed to avoid most of the Royal Wedding and I am delighted that it is now drifting away into yesterday's news. However, before it drifts away entirely, I want to resurrect a little taste again.
I know what you are thinking:
You bloody hypocrite. Didn't I just read a grumpy post in which you moaned about it?
That's true - but I don't actually want to talk about the wedding itself; I just want to skirt around the subject briefly before putting it to bed.
As much as I wanted to avoid the ceremony and all the pomp surrounding the big day, I didn't manage to avoid it as much as I would have liked. I watched the arrival of the bride at the church before retiring to the back room to listen to some rock music.
Mrs PM watched the ceremony and at the end of it, I suggested that we venture into Manchester City Centre to see what was going on. And we had a very pleasant day.
The city was full of revellers (as well as shoppers) and I persuaded Mrs PM to have a beer outside the Old Wellington pub to soak up a little of the atmosphere. It was a gorgeous sunny day, so sunny in fact that I had to move to the shade briefly to avoid sunburn. It was great.
After that, we had something to eat and stumbled on a street party in one of the livelier areas of the city centre, the Northern Quarter, with a few decent and quirky bars and cafes. The street was sealed off to cars and lined with tables. The bars were all open and a DJ provided the entertainment.
By the time we arrived, the alcohol had begun to take effect and people were dancing on tables to the music provided.
We decided to join in the fun by having a final beer for the road and simply stood there people watching and taking photos.
Here are some of them:
Spiderman dresses for the occasion, as do his decoys.
The Party transcends "full swing" as Spiderman decides to leave.
"Did you manage to get a picture of Spiderman before he left?"
Union Jack clothing sales are up.
"Think anyone will recognise us in our sunglasses?"
"Wills really wanted to marry ME!"
Bizarrely I'm off to another wedding now, in Blackpool. I like family and friend weddings because it gives me a chance to play "Impersonate the Dancer".
The rest of the world probably regards Britain as a bit of a weird place most of the time but for the past few weeks the eccentricity has reached new heights.
Why? It’s all because a man and a woman are getting married on Friday.
It’s not just ANY man or woman though; the couple in question are Prince William and Kate Middleton.
They are driving me insane. That’s not quite true – the media are driving me insane.
Every time I switch on the TV there is a reference to “Will and Kate”. The news is full of it.
“And now the latest on the wedding of the century!”
Allow me to just have a spontaneous micro-rant.
I DON’T BLOODY CARE! I KNOW THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED! LEAVE ME ALONE!
To me, the royal family are just one of many eccentric families in the British Isles. The only difference is that these guys are always on the news. It’s like most people are high on drugs. The entire country has gone bananas.
“What will she wear?”
“Who will be there?”
“Isn’t she beautiful?”
What they SHOULD be asking is:
“Will Prince Harry embarrass himself?”
“How many people will Prince Phillip offend?”
“Does anybody really care?”
I am an old cynic and I’ve seen this all before. Royalists in my country want to spend every second of the day absorbing every single trivial detail about the wedding. Even TV channels that have nothing to do with the news are cashing in on it.
I was flicking channels the other night and at least three music channels had used the wedding as an excuse to play all sorts of romantic drivel. I swear I am not making this up. We had:
“Kate’s Top 50 Hen Night Songs”
“Will and Kate: A Romantic Countdown”
It’s crazy. It’s as if everybody has taken their brains out.
I am totally neutral when it comes to royalty. I don’t love them and I don’t hate them. If the Queen were to come to Manchester I wouldn’t go out of my way to wave to her but I if she was passing I would say "Hello".
The problem is that the wedding coverage in this country is turning me against them. Sure, it is a reason for some to become excessively patriotic and run around the streets waving Union Jacks while wearing Union Jack shorts, Union Jack shirts and Union Jack underpants – and I’m happy for other people to do that.
I just don’t want to do it myself.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my country but, to be honest, I don’t know why so many people are getting worked up and excited. Just because I am not jumping around like a mad fool doesn’t mean that I am not patriotic.
I’ve seen it all before and that’s why I am cynical about it. Let’s face it; most of the last few royal weddings have ended up as total disasters.
Rewind to 1981 when Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer.
It was lovely; it was romantic; it was gorgeous; they kissed; they loved each other more than any other couple had ever loved each other ever.
Look at what happened: bitterness and divorce.
Almost inevitably, this wedding is being compared to Charles and Diana’s wedding and Kate is being hailed as the new People’s Princess.
Poor Kate.
Let’s just hope for both their sakes that it doesn’t end up the same way.
And it’s not just Britain that’s going bonkers. Apparently coverage in America will rival our own. I’ve seen interviews with loads of American tourists (on the news of course) who are wetting themselves about it all.
“We don’t have a princess back home. This is every young girl’s dream.”
Thankfully (hopefully) times have changed in Britain so I won’t be hauled over the coals for daring to be cynical about Prince William and Kate’s big day. In days gone by I might have suffered extreme medieval torture for writing a post about the royal wedding that wasn’t full of sugary syrup and praise for the monarchy.
Can you imagine what Henry VIII might have said if I had posted:
Well the fat old loon is at it again. This time the dirty old goat is marrying a young girl. How many is that, Henry? Five? I’m losing count. I wonder whether she’ll lose her head?
My arse would have been hauled to the Tower of London faster than you could say “anarchist”.
Anyway, that’s enough moaning. I will end on a positive note.
I wish Prince William and Kate Middleton all the very best on their wedding day and I am happy for them both. I think Kate Middleton is a lovely woman and William is a very lucky man.
However, I regret to inform you both that I will not be watching the wedding on TV and I will do my very best to avoid any coverage whatsoever. Having said that I realise that at some point during the day I will almost certainly catch some of the media insanity.
And thanks for the day off. It’s a shame I’m on call and can’t get drunk at a street party.
By the way – what happened to my invitation? I assume it was lost in the post.
On December 31st 2009, at approximately 23:58, I stared into the eyes of my beloved Mrs PM and said to her:
“My New Year’s Resolution is clear to me: I will not rant in 2010.”
Actually, to be honest, it was probably blurted out at high volume with a lot of slurring and a couple of I love you’s thrown in for good measure and punctuated by the odd belch and hiccup.
However it came out, the sentiment was there.
I was having a great time and I was sick and tired of climbing onto my soapbox. I had convinced myself that I could refrain from blowing my top I was absolutely certain that I would manage to spend 365 days in blissful harmony with the world around me, surrounded by whistling birds, butterflies flitting past my head. I would smile all the time, knowing that I had subdued my grumpiness.
I would adopt the great mantra sung by the legendary Louis Armstrong:
I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky Are also on the faces of people going by I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do They're really saying I love you.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow They'll learn much more than I'll never know And I think to myself what a wonderful world Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
My high hopes lasted approximately 365 minutes.
On New Year’s Day, I switched on my TV, watched the news and with seconds my soapbox was out, I had mounted it, and I was lecturing Mrs PM on everything that was wrong with the world.
I tried, dear reader; honestly I tried.
All of this proves that I have a problem; I am convinced that I am surrounded by petty minded imbeciles, bureaucratic morons, stubborn buffoons who refuse to budge and half-wits at every turn.
Some people may say that I am a half-wit and I would agree that sometimes I can be. But as I get older, the world to me seems to be descending into absolute farce at every conceivable opportunity in every single walk of life, from politics to sport, from music to entertainment, from work to travel.
There is breath-taking arrogance throughout the world; evil exists everywhere; stupidity is rife.
Everywhere I turn there is somebody or something determined to make my life difficult or determined to push the button that ignites the flame that converts me from a mild mannered human being into a psychotic ranting animal.
And I’m fed up of it.
Take today, for example.
My work colleagues absolutely love to push the rant button and do so at every opportunity. Most of the time, I breathe deeply and let their taunts ride over me. Occasionally, though, they catch me unawares and I lose control of my senses and rant like a madman. Today’s rant was an absolute belter and half the office stopped work to enjoy my blustering tirade. I entertained the office for a good ten minutes and had most of them falling on the floor with laughter.
You see, dear reader, although I rant, I do so in a light-hearted way that makes people laugh, hence the reason why they are so keen to do it.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: There’s an email just come in from HR – another belter. Let’s wind Dave up.
WORK COLLEAGUE 2: Crikey – he’ll blow his top. Quick get the popcorn out.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: Hey Dave. Have you seen the latest missive from HR?
PM (sighing): What now.
WORK COLLEAGUE 1: There are new rules about washing your hands.
PM: WHAT????????????
And so it begins.
Normally I don’t particularly have a problem with HR at all but my work colleagues love to illustrate the most bizarre edicts that come out of the human resources office.
One thing I have a problem with is the name: “Human Resources”.
What on earth happened to “Personnel”? The name “Human Resources” makes me feel like I am a number and not a free man. I am a “resource” to be thrown at a job instead of the expert that will get the job done with maximum efficiency. I feel violated – it’s like I don’t matter at all.
I don’t want to pick on HR at all because ultimately they are victims as well. There is a dark cloud looming, dear reader, and I would love to know who or what is responsible for it. It is like something out of a horror novel – an almost physical entity that touches life as we used to know it and mutates it into absurdity.
Anybody who doubts me, please answer these questions:
What is so special about a person who happens to have won Big Brother? What talent do they possess? The person was unknown when he went into the house and while he was in there did nothing other than try to be controversial, failing miserably. Why on earth should anybody care about anything they ever do? Why are tabloids obsessed with these people?
Talking of tabloids, why do they insult my intelligence with stories about people who I don’t care about and are not worthy of even a passing thought? Why do they build people up and then shoot them down in an instant? Why do they invent terrible nicknames for people, for example, Wayne Rooney becomes Roo or Wazza and we are treated to “intelligent” attention grabbing headlines that substitute the word Roo for You – for example I Only Have Eyes For Roo and Roo Blew It and Rool Britannia – I HATE them. And why do tabloids just print lies? How can they get away with it? Am I alone?
And what about politicians? We have a general election here in England, a party gets elected and then fails to deliver their promises. How can they get away with lying? They should be held to account and punished. Imagine if it were my workplace? If I lied about something so important I would be sacked.
And then you have footballing cheats. Brazilian Kaka sent off because an Ivory Coast player ran into him and then pretended that he been pole-axed by a sniper’s bullet. And what of the goal that Frank Lampard scored against the Germans that was clearly over the line yet ignored despite the video evidence? And what about the goal scored by Carlos Tevez against Mexico that was clearly offside and seen by the entire crowd, all the players and officials and the teams, including Tevez himself and the linesman who didn’t see it? Did the referee watching the screen change his mind? Did he bugger! And what have FIFA got to say? No video technology and no video referee! The arrogance is breath-taking!
And then we have Katie Price and all other famous people who have an army of fans simply because we are privy to watching their exploits on reality TV shows. I take my hat off to Katie Price, Paris Hilton etc. because somehow they have managed to convince armies of fans that there is a point – I just cannot see why they are so fascinating. Am I alone?
Do people take their brains out when watching Saturday night prime time entertainment shows? How can people sit and watch shows like “The X Factor” without throwing a lump hammer through the television? The bulk of these people have no talent whatsoever – how and why do they and people like Simon Cowell get away with convincing us otherwise? It is beyond belief.
Talking of music, whatever happened to good decent music? From the bowels of X Factor we get “Jedward”, two totally talentless twins who destroyed everything they attempted to sing. Don’t take my word for it – watch this:
Even Simon Cowell hated it. What on earth is going on? Is Louis Walsh insane? Britain was obsessed with these talentless kids – they have balls but no talent whatsoever. How can they shine on prime time TV and how can they get a record deal? The world’s gone MAD!!
Still with the music scene – why should a rock singer tell me what to think? Bono makes me cringe every time he opens his mouth to speak. Great singer, great voice – STICK TO SINGING! A mate of mine went to see U2 once – they were his favourite band. When asked if he would see them again he said: “No! I didn’t want to pay all of that money to be bollocked by Bono!!”
I want to eat meat. I like meat. Meat is good for me and it tastes great. I do not want to be told by a vegetarian that I am some kind of homicidal maniac just because I like bacon. Vegetarians have their views – I respect that. But please do not tell me what to do! It is perfectly natural for human beings to eat meat – get over it. Am I the only carnivore in the world who thinks like this?
I could go on but I fear that this post will turn into a book so I will stop for the time being. I do worry though because such nonsense infuriates me, despite my best efforts to stay calm. I am getting better, honestly, but things catch my attention, catch me off guard and light the blue touch paper.
The world is insane.
And I’m not the only one who thinks so.
Here are a few choice rants from a friend of mine at work who, like me, despairs at the state of the world.
He was the inspiration for a blog post from 2008 called Radio Grump FM.
He despaired so much that I had to immortalise some of his frenzied and explosive outbursts for the world to see. I think they are funny – perhaps you agree. If you don’t agree, it doesn’t matter. But I am not alone.
A bit of background before I share his wisdom with you. He is a software engineer, like me, who has a particular gripe with Microsoft.
Enjoy:
(1) Just how thick are these people? I think somebody opened up their heads when they were kids, scooped out their brains and then filled them full of shit!!
(2) I can’t believe they wrote Microsoft Word and then didn’t bloody test it. Maybe it was just tested by a blind man in a dark cellar.
(3) You like Lorraine Kelly? Well that’s 4000 million years of evolution pissed up against the wall!!!
(4) (When woken up by a massive thunderstorm) I looked out of the window and I’ve never seen rain and wind like it. I was beginning to wonder whether I should go out and find Jesus and let him into my life.
(5) You want me to carry on testing this afternoon? Hopefully by then I will have found a spoon to gouge out my eyeballs.
(6) If somebody came up to me and said “I can’t do that because my moon’s rising in Uranus” I’d just punch them!
(7) Yes, there's something controversial about the MacBook Air - It's overpriced SHIT!
(8) Money may not buy you happiness but it will buy you a much better class of misery.
(9) Talking is the only thing that keeps me sane. If I didn't talk I'd have to stand up, pull my zip down and piss on the keyboard.
(10) I think I'll have to phone the bus company lost property service. "Has anyone found a will to live? I had it when I was on the bus this morning but since being at work I've discovered it missing".
(11) I'm going so mental looking at this that I'm thinking of impaling my eyeballs with this Bic biro.
(12) Whoever came up with that idea can't even be fecking sentient.
(13) Is there such a thing as a book called "Idiots Guide To Java" or is that intrinsic to the language?
(14) You can learn to nail you knackers to the table from the internet if you want but that doesn't mean to say it's a good idea.
(15) I'd better get on with some other work before I kill somebody.
(16) This system works on a wing and a prayer – which is not good if you’re an atheist.
(17) Who let these people loose on the human race?
(18) Fecking wankers – the lot of ‘em! I wouldn’t trust them with an Etch-a-Sketch!
(19) These people have definitely been reading Dilbert too much and using it as a manual.
(20) Teaming is not a bloody word, you arses!!
Anyway, I’ve had enough of this nonsense.
Maybe if we all took stock and looked at the idiocy and arrogance in the world we could collectively do something about it. Until then any attempts by me to contain my furious frustration will be totally futile.
Please feel free to let me know what infuriates you. Have you got a soapbox? If so, what makes you stand on it and rant to the world?
I can see a book coming out of this. Maybe I should divert my frustration into something creative.
The problem is that people wouldn’t take any notice of it – until I become World Leader that is.
