Pants On Fire

Last night I told Mrs PM about a dream I had.

She is always regaling me with her wild nocturnal fantasies about epic crusades through bizarre worlds created by her subconscious mind; I thought I would return the favour. Here’s how the conversation went.

PM: I had a dream last night.

Mrs PM: Liar!

PM: What? What makes you think I’m lying?

Mrs PM: I can tell. You’re wearing your lying face AND you’re talking with your lying voice.

PM: How DARE you! I am not lying.

Mrs PM rolls her eyes

Mrs PM: Go on then – tell me about your “dream”!

PM: I dreamt that I was having a fight with the Grim Reaper in our house. There was nothing I could use to defend myself so I opened the cupboard under the stairs and grabbed the nearest thing: the hoover.

Mrs PM: Now I KNOW you’re lying – you don’t know where the hoover lives because you never use the bloody thing.

PM ignores that comment

PM: Anyway, I started hitting him with it – and before you know it – I was Dyson with Death! HA HA HA!!! Get it?

Mrs PM: Anybody who thinks you are funny needs to seriously get a life.

The insults aside, Mrs PM knew that I was not telling the truth. I can catch her out but such occasions are very rare. I am a liar – but a very poor liar.

I can tell all manner of porkies on this blog, dear reader, and frequently do.

Actually, that’s not being fair to myself; I don’t lie exactly, I just exaggerate sometimes.

You can’t see me or hear me, dear reader, so you are none the wiser.

The little exchange with Mrs PM got me thinking about lying. How can Mrs PM tell that I am telling a fib? She claims that my face is taken over by, what she calls, the imp. Apparently I yield to the mischievous little goblin within and my face becomes an open book. And then I speak and my voice changes, thus confirming my deceit.

I have decided to do some research on this and there are, supposedly, several tell-tale signs that the person you are talking to is a monstrous fibber. Here are some of them:

(1) Avoiding eye contact – when a person tells a lie they will not look directly into your eye. I’ve tried this; I stared at myself in a mirror and said to my reflection: “I am the sexiest man alive and every woman in the world wants to have my babies”. That must be the truth because I stared right into my reflection’s eyes and uttered this incredible statement. Guess what? I didn’t flinch. It must be true then – I really AM sex on a stick.

(2) Adding unnecessary detail – a liar will waffle on about their lie, dredging their imagination for all manner of drivel to convince the person they are talking to that the bullshit being generated is in fact true. I tried this too. I said to my reflection: “I met Megan Fox, Jennifer Aniston, Madonna, Lady Ga Ga, Beyoncé and all of Girls Aloud and they begged me for a date because, in their opinion, I am the most handsome specimen of manliness on the planet.” I then added all sorts of other nonsense about wild nights with Hollywood sex kittens and my reflection didn’t flinch. Crikey – I need to reconsider my career.

(3) Bad body language – liars will touch their mouths to subconsciously prevent the lie from escaping their lips and also shift uncomfortably from foot to foot. Again I watched my reflection as I said “All of the top supermodels in America have chartered a jet to Manchester with the sole purpose of persuading me, the Plastic Mancunian, to marry them. They spent the entire flight fighting with each other over who gets to ask me first.” Guess what? I didn’t cover my mouth and I didn’t move. It must therefore be true.

I decided that I needed a second opinion and tried these above facts out on another guinea pig: Mrs PM. I started to tell her the three lies above but I had barely uttered the first sentence when she interrupted with: “Lying voice and lying face. You are a LIAR!”

Alas, she didn’t believe me.

I am still unconvinced, dear reader so I am going to tell you about another dream I had. See if you can tell whether I am lying or not:

I walked into an undertaker’s shop and one of the coffins came to life. It started to attack me so I ran away. Unfortunately the coffin was relentless and pursued me for miles. I somehow managed to get home and lock the thing outside. The coffin wasn’t deterred and hurled itself through the lounge window to get to me. Horrified, I ran upstairs, figuring that a coffin wouldn’t be able to climb the stairs. I was wrong. In a blind panic I ran into the bathroom. The coffin was determined and threw itself into the bathroom, smashing down the door in the process and trapping me. I was caught in a blind panic and in desperation I opened the bathroom cabinet and launched everything I could at the coffin; shampoo, toothpaste, bathroom cleaner etc. It was only when I threw the Benylin that the coffin stopped.

Okay – I admit it – I just used this post to justify telling two pathetic jokes.

I am deeply and sincerely sorry, dear reader.

Honestly.

Liar! Liar!

Talking about politicians has really got me thinking – about lying. As I said in my previous post, I simply cannot lie. Well, that’s not true – I cannot lie convincingly, hence I have to tell the truth – well mostly – well sometimes – OK hardly ever!

As a human being we all tell lies and anybody who says that they do not tell lies is in fact a total liar. Some people are quite honest but even these trustworthy people occasionally tell the odd white lie.

Sometimes, telling a lie is better than telling the truth. For example:

“Don’t worry about it; people will never notice.”

I thought I would have a bit of fun and trawl the internet for some popular lies. Here are some of the better ones I found:

Trust me. I know what I’m doing.

I didn’t do it.

I’m sorry.

I can’t make it.

Don’t sit too close to the TV. You will go blind.

This won’t hurt.

It was him/her.

I’ve never met her before.

I’m working late tonight.

Our company is going from strength to strength.

If you are awake when Father Christmas comes, he won’t give you your presents.

Father Christmas lives up the chimney.

I’m popping down the pub. I’ll be back in 30 minutes.

If you don’t wash behind your ears, potatoes will grow there.

We will be profitable at the end of the year and our employees will share in those profits.

I don’t have any change.

I can keep a secret.

Tell me the truth. You won’t get into trouble.

I see what your saying but …

The moon is made of cheese and mice live there in tiny cities.

Don’t swim just after eating – you might drown.

I’m open to new ideas.

I can change.

I can’t come out with you – I’m washing my hair.

No – it doesn’t make you look fat.

I’ll pay you back next week.

Babies are found under gooseberry bushes.

We will not raise taxes.

Stop playing with that – you’ll have somebody’s eyes out.

He/she is just a friend.

Bob Holness played saxophone on “Baker Street”

Click here to make millions of dollars without having to work.

Your account has been frozen. Send us you bank details and we will fix it for you.

Yes – I will respect you in the morning.

If you swear, you will be arrested by the police.

There will be a pay increase next year.

Carrots make you see in the dark.

Don’t pull faces. If the wind changes you it will stay like that.

The dog ate my homework.

It wasn’t me.

If your feet stick out of the bed tonight, Jack Frost will cut off your toes.

There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

I pulled a stunning woman last night.

I’m ill.

It will be finished by the end of next week.

Strip club? No – I wouldn’t go near such a place.

Be good or Father Christmas won’t bring you any presents.

If you eat too many eggs you turn into a chicken.

The best way to get rid of zits is to rub jelly into them.

Don’t eat the pips – fruit will grow in your stomach.

Of course we’ll come to your party.

I’m not angry with you.

Let’s just be friends.

I have 500 friends on Facebook and they are all true friends.

I was a good little boy.

No, the cat didn’t die. He just ran away.

I would pay but I’ve left my wallet at home.

I can drink more than you.

All the girls fancy me.

Eating an apple and drinking tea at the same time will poison you.

The stork brings babies.

It was like that when I got home.

This house is in a sought after location.

I have the greatest respect for you.

The neighbourhood is very nice.

I’ll be home in twenty minutes.

I will do my best.

"The Plastic Mancunian" is the world’s greatest blog.

I particularly like the last one and I tell everybody who I know that there is a really funny and really popular blog by a heroic Mancunian writer who is anonymous, in order to drag new readers to my blog.

Actually, I don’t. That’s another lie. Anyway, dear reader, over to you:

Do you have any fabulous lies that you have told or been the victim of?

What lies did your parents tell you as kids?

What is the biggest lie you’ve heard?

What is the funniest lie you’ve heard?

I’m all ears because I really need to make an effort to control my body language when lying. I will try them out on Mrs PM to see if I can disguise my “lying voice” and “lying face”.

Talking of lies that parents tell their kids; my dad frightened the life out of me when, aged 7, I was messing about in bed instead of going to sleep. He told me: “Look – if you don’t go to sleep, the Night Monster will come and take you away”.

I didn’t sleep a wink all night.