Never trust people who have a single eyebrow
Never trust people whose eyebrows are a different colour from their hair
Never trust politicians (particularly when speaking)
Never trust anybody who gives you a “vote of confidence”
Never trust anybody who doesn’t like garlic – they may be a vampire
Never trust a skinny chef
Never trust a man who says your wife is beautiful to everybody but you
Never trust a cat with a wagging tail
Never trust anybody who wants to climb the corporate ladder in record time
Never trust those who blame everything on global warming
Never trust Alsatian dogs
Never trust a banker
Never trust an art critic
Never trust Simon Cowell
Never trust anybody who has anything to do with the legal profession
Never trust anybody who tries to give you something for nothing
Never trust a spider, particularly if it is in your bedroom as you are about to sleep
Never trust a car salesman
Never trust a hairdresser with mad hair
Never trust Captain Kirk when he suggests visiting a new planet, particularly if you are wearing a red top (unless your name is Montgomery Scott)
Never trust a your boss when he says “can I have a quick word?” at 4pm on a Friday afternoon
Never trust a celebrity who has to go on a reality TV show
Never trust a fat dietician
Never trust a man who wants to buy you a beer on your stag party
Never trust a smiling traffic warden
Never trust anybody who says “trust me – I know what I’m doing”
Never trust an offer that is too good to be true
Never trust a vegetarian who chastises you for being a carnivore
Never trust weathermen
Never trust anybody who insists on giving themselves a pretentious job title (e.g. a painter who calls himself a “Colour Distribution Technician”)
Never trust a wasp – it WILL sting you. Kill it!
Never trust an email that offers anything free
Never trust a fart
Never trust a snake
Never trust a gambler
Never trust the Joker
Never trust a TV chef
Never trust anybody who has a double-barrelled surname like “St John-Smythe”
Never trust a man whose name is pronounced differently from the spelling (for example Menzies Campbell insists his name is “Ming” - and never trust Ming the Merciless either)
Never trust a person whose TV is bigger than their lounge
Never trust anybody who is over ten years older than you
Never trust those who moan all the time
Never trust someone who smiles when giving you bad news
Never trust an estate agent
Never trust Wile E Coyote
Never trust a smiling viper
Never trust a person who uses phrases like “step up to the plate”
Never trust a dentist with bad teeth
Never trust a man who wears pink to “stay in touch with his feminine side”
Never trust a person who refuses to look you in the eye
Never trust anything you read in a tabloid newspaper
Never trust a woman who begins a sentence with “I’m not being funny but …”
Never trust a person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every couple of months
Never trust your eyes when it is dark
Never trust a Klingon, unless he is called Worf
Never trust a lion
Never trust anybody who doesn’t like a good curry
Never trust Darth Vader
Never trust a tall man with a squeaky voice
Never trust a bear
Never trust a person who takes life too seriously
Never trust a Plastic Mancunian
Always trust yourself
