If ...

Welcome to South Manchester, where the weather is typically changeable. I got drenched on my walk this morning – absolutely drenched. And now, three hours later, we have a clear blue sky and sunshine. 

Go figure.

For 2023 I am going to try to return to my old style blog posts where I write drivel about whatever bizarre thought pops into my head (and there have been a lot of those I can tell you). However, I will still be answering silly questions from Sunday Stealing  – so here goes with the first one for 2023.

It’s called “If …” and I can’t help thinking about Telly Savalas talking in a rather odd hit single from the 1970’s. 

If a picture paints a thousand words

Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show

The you I've come to know

It was an odd single – because he just speaks. What’s that about? Who bought it? Not me that’s for sure.

Shall we dive in?

1. If you could change the ending to one movie you have seen, which one would it be, and how would you reshoot it?

I have a problem with some action movies where the good guy wins against the odds. I’m talking about films where the bad guy is hugely clever, far more intelligent in fact than the so-called hero who has to perform superhuman feats in order to defeat the villain in what I regard as a lazy way. 

Some James Bond films are guilty of this and sometimes I would like the bad guy to actually defeat Bond. It is the same with some superhero movies. I was absolutely delighted with Avengers: Infinity War because Thanos had to win given how powerful he is. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Avengers: Endgame too but I would rather Thanos had escaped. The one good thing about Avengers: Endgame was that the heroes were never the same and one of them actually died. 

That’s my kind of film.

2. If you were to select a food that best describes your character, what food would it be?

I would say cheese. There are different varieties, most of them are brilliant but one or two of them are an acquired taste (step forward stilton). Like cheese I think I have a fairly good character that people can enjoy and keep coming back for more but occasionally I become stilton or a similar foul tasting cheese and annoy and irritate people. Not too many hopefully. 

3. If you could cure any disease, which would it be?

Ideally I would cure them all. Whenever I watch Star Trek, I relish the days in the future when people can be cured of anything and everything. I think if I had to choose it would be those diseases that can kill people and are largely incurable.

4. If you had to describe the single worst thing a friend could do to you, what would it be?

I think it would have to be something like appear friendly but then say terrible things about me behind my back. I’m quite open with people and if a friend, or indeed anybody, has a problem with me for whatever reason then I would rather they tell me to my face instead of spreading malice when I am not around. 

5. If you could be a contestant on any game show, which would you like to be on?

One without a live TV audience that wasn’t really a vehicle for the host. I am quite good at quizzes and I think I would do fairly well on a lot of them. However, a favourite is a British word quiz called Countdown where the aim is to make the longest word from nine letters chosen in turn by each contestant, as well as solving a numerical puzzle occasionally. You have to be really clever to be on there. 

I will say immediately that I will never ever appear on a game show.

6. If you could choose the music at your own funeral, what would it be, and who would play it?

I wrote a post about this:

Funeral Soundtrack 

I love “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” – and it would be a little tongue in cheek.

7. If you had to spend all of your vacations for the rest of your life in the same place, where would you go?

I would say Hong Kong but I would like to be able to travel around a bit. I reckon that it would have to be Spain because I love the country and I can speak a little Spanish. I would avoid the places ruined by British holidaymakers though.

8. If you could ask God a single question, what would  it be?

Can you come to my house and convince me that you exist please?

9. If you could eat one food in any quantity for  the rest of your life with no ill effects whatsoever what food would you choose?

I think the answer to that has to be cheese again. I love cheese and I do eat it in moderation because vast quantities of the stuff aren’t good for you. If I was told that I was allergic to cheese, it would be quite annoying.

10. If you could have a year any place in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?

Okay – that would definitely have to be Hong Kong. I love the city and, given that all expenses would be paid, I would stay in the Peninsular Hotel in Kowloon. I have already spent well over a year of my life in that city, the longest stint being 3 months, so I know that I could live there for a year – at the very least.

11. If you could forever eliminate one specific type of prejudice from the earth, which would it be?

I would eliminate all prejudice. There is far too much of it. Things are changing in the UK on the surface and I welcome that, but deep down there are still some people who privately hold some horrific views. 

12. If you could own one painting from any collection in the world but were not allowed to sell it, which work of art would you select?

It certainly wouldn’t be a contemporary piece of vomit hanging on the wall of a modern art museum that makes pseudo-intellectuals wet themselves with glee. I hate all of that stuff. To me it isn’t art; it’s a con.

I would probably go for a classic work of art that is a picture of something as opposed to an abstract piece of bilge. Something like John Constable’s “The Hay Wain”.

13. If you could ask a single question of a dead relative, what would it be and of whom would you ask it?

I couldn’t ask one question to any of them. I would want to ask thousands to them all. 

14. If you had to choose the best television show ever made, which one would you pick?

I can’t pick just one. There are too many. I will say that I have just finished the very last episode of The Walking Dead – which I loved. Here are a few of my favourites:

• The Walking Dead
• Dexter
• Babylon 5
• Dr Who
• Star Trek (in all of its forms)
• Sons of Anarchy
• Game of Thrones
• Fawlty Towers
• Blackadder
• Stranger Things
• The Boys
• The Expanse 

There are just too many …

15. If you could write letters to only one person for the rest of your life, who would receive them?

I don’t write letters and in fact have rarely if ever done so. I guess the answer is Mr Nobody.