More Silly Questions

 

Welcome to a dull and boring South Manchester with a cloudy grey sky and fairly mild temperatures for the time of year. At least it isn’t raining.

Let’s dive straight into some very silly questions from Sunday Stealing, shall we? 

1. What mythical creature would improve the world most if it existed?

There are so many incredible mythical creatures that exist in folklore and picking just one to unleash on the word in order to improve it is a big ask. Most of them would cause chaos either on a global scale or certainly in the area where they were unleashed. 

Regular readers will know that I am fascinated with vampires, for example, but the ultimate endgame for such creatures would be to turn the whole world into vampires, something that wouldn’t be a good thing for humanity at all.

The same could be said for werewolves. 

Dragons might be good but if you have watched Game of Thrones or read ancient myths you will know that they would pretty much destroy the world.

You might be able to use a gorgon, perhaps, as a deterrent to crimes of any kind. If you murder somebody, you have to look into the gorgon’s eyes and become a statue. Harsh but perhaps fair.

I quite like the idea of having a Kraken in your navy as a deterrent against war. Can you imagine a World Leader screaming “UNLEASH THE KRAKEN!”? 

It could lead to that country dominating the world, sadly. 

I guess I would choose something safe that wouldn’t harm people but charm them. I think the obvious choice is therefore the introduction of unicorns or maybe centaurs.

2. What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence?

That’s an interesting question. I think it would have to be cigarettes and anything else you can smoke, like cigars, pipes etc. One of the best policy decisions in the UK was when the smoking ban was introduced. 

Apologies if you smoke – I have never done so – apart from the time I tired it when I was 20 years old and drunk (I tried it because I was drunk actually). I promptly threw up and decided then that I was an idiot for trying it and that I would never ever try it again.

3. What is the weirdest thing you have seen in someone else’s home?

It would have to be a piece of horrific abstract art. I am not a fan of contemporary art at all and when somebody tries to convince me that the amateurish splat on a piece of canvas that is adorning the wall of their living room, I just node and say “very nice”. I would never say “What’s wrong with you? How much did you pay for that weird splat of vomit on your wall? Are you mad?”

I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. 

I just stay quite. 

But I have seen some horrible art in people’s houses. 

EURRGGHHH!

4. What would be the absolute worst name you could give your child?

There are few Christian names that I could give a child which would be laughable given what my surname is. I won’t go there. However, they are insignificant compared to some of the weird names that so-called celebrities have chosen to give to their children just to be unique (or in my view pander to their own weird tastes). Here are a few:

Moxie Crimefighter

Moon Unit

Bronx Mowgli

Jermajesty

Fifi Trixibelle

Audio Science

X Æ A-12

Diva Muffin

Pilot Inspektor

Future Zahir

Poor kids. Stupid parents.

5. What would be the worst thing for the government to make illegal?

Beer and music. Actually given the stupidity of the current mob in charge of the UK, I wouldn’t put anything past them. At the moment, for example, they are trying to pass a bill to seriously restrict protests.

6. What are some of the nicknames you have for customers or coworkers?

I work with a good friend who happens to be Scottish and he calls me Dilbert because in his eyes I look like him. I disagree but there you go. In retaliation, more than anything else, I call him Hawkeye. I have never heard him utter the stock Scottish phrase “Och aye the noo!” but my name for him is a representation of that (“Hawkeye the New!” – get it?).

I have had other names for customers like, “The Smiling Viper”, for a man I had to work with who had a menacing smile (that he thought was charming) when he was having a go at you. 

7. If peanut butter wasn’t called peanut butter, what would it be called?

Mrs PM would call it “abomination” because she hates peanuts and cannot understand why somebody would make a sandwich spread out of them. 

To be honest, I think it is a bit weird and I don’t eat it – though I have had it in the past. It seems to be more an American thing and they have some weird food I have to say (sorry dear American readers – but you do). 

For example “peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – that is totally weird and something that I have resisted trying myself. In the UK we don’t call it “jelly”, we call it “jam”, but whatever it is called “peanut butter and jam” also sounds like it tastes totally wrong. 

To answer your question, I wouldn’t call it “abomination” like Mrs PM – I would call it “peanut spread” or something like that.

8. What movie would be greatly improved if it was made into a musical?

I don’t really like musicals if I’m honest. It seems crazy to me that characters can just burst into song and dance around to keep the story going. If I were walking down the street and saw a group of people having a conversation in the form of a song and dancing around like lunatics, I would probably call the police.

I would have to pick a movie that I think is utterly terrible to turn into a musical but, quite frankly, it couldn’t be any worse, could it?

Let’s go for “Love, Actually” – one of the worst films I have ever seen. Adding music couldn't make it any worse.

9. What would be the worst “buy one get one free” sale of all time?

It would have to be something horrible, like extracting a tooth. 

“We’ll take out the rotten tooth and then remove a healthy one at no extra cost!”

10. What is the funniest name you have actually heard used in the real world?

I once received a letter from a Mr Snowball that made me laugh. We also have a local weather reporter in the North West of England and her very apt name is Sara Blizzard.

We also had a contractor working with us for a while and while his name wasn’t funny, I had to resist making jokes to him – his name was Phil Collins (after the famous singer/drummer from Genesis). 

I also like the names of some famous actors – like Edward Woodward (Or as I used to say when when I was a kid – Ed Woodwoodwood) and Rip Torn. I also like the name of the crooner from the 1970’s called Englebert Humperdinck. There have been some great names in rock like Philthy Animal Taylor, Rat Scabies, Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten – okay they aren’t their real names but they are quite amusing.

11. What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to?

Are you talking about adding the alcohol to me or the people taking part in the sport? 

If it is me, then it would have to be golf – the most tedious spectator sport. Just a bunch of weirdly dressed people hitting a tiny white ball with an odd shaped bat to get it into a tiny hole. Being forced to watch that while drunk might make it more enjoyable and less tedious.

I imagine that golf would also benefit from making these odd players quaff enough alcohol to make them do daft things while trying to hit the ball with the golf bat. 

Yes – golf for both please.

12. What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse?

It would have to be an animal that doesn’t eat meat (in case they realise that we could be a new thing to try on their diet) and it would have to be limited to having four legs, thus ruling out all insects and spiders.

I guess a hamster would be a safe option.

13. What set of items could you buy that would make the cashier the most uncomfortable?

That’s an odd question because I am sure that cashiers would be used to selling the wares in their shops no matter how odd they are. Even in something like a sex shop – they would be used to accepting cash for all of the potentially perverted items in their inventory.

I guess it would be something like an odd book in a bookshop – something like “How to be a stalker” or “Do it yourself gender change”.

14. What is something that you just recently realized that you are embarrassed you didn’t realize earlier?

Too many things to list here. Mispronunciation of foreign words, mishearing song lyrics and being caught out when singing them loudly, and mostly saying something I thought was true in front of my kids and then finding out it was totally wrong – children never forget – even when they are 26 and 29 – and they love to remind you in front of people about how stupid you are.

15. What are some fun and interesting alternatives to war that countries could settle their differences with?

It would have to be something benign, like a game of football, a quiz or a silly content like “It’s a Knockout” or “Jeux Sans Frontiers”, a very silly show from the 1970’s. Here is a clip from the international contest that featured, the UK and some of our European neighbours. Don’t ask what is going on – but it is quite amusing and we could solve a lot of international issues by resurrecting it, I feel.