February

Welcome to a cloudy wet South Manchester on day 329 of Covid-19 restrictions. The good news is that vaccinations are going well. Currently 10,971,047 people have had their first dose in the UK with a further 505,993 having had their second. Apparently, they will get around to me sometime in the next two months, but we shall see. We are already hoping to catch some live cricket in late June or early July but we shall see. I fear that a trip abroad may not happen until later in the year (if at all) but I shall be watching developments with interest.

I guess it’s time to answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

I am being rebellious and calling this “February” rather than “January Part 2” because January is over (thank goodness) so I want to look forwards. 

Let’s dive in, shall we?

1.  Can you eat with chopsticks?

Of course I can. Having spent more than a year of my life in Hong Kong and eight weeks of my life in China, I have to use them really. It’s not difficult to be honest. I was taught by a guy from New Zealand with whom I was working, way back in 1995 in his favourite restaurant in Wan Chai, Hong Kong and by the end of the meal I was a master. Whenever we go to a Chinese or Japanese restaurant we always use them. 

2. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?

I certainly could in the United Kingdom. In China, however, I was unfortunate to have somebody give me a counterfeit note and it was only when I tried to spend it that I discovered that it was fake. I tried to get rid of it for two days in Beijing and failed miserably – it was worth about £10 I think. What amazed me was that everywhere I tried to spend it had a counterfeit note detector from a taxi driver to a stall on a street selling food. I pleaded innocence when confronted but eventually just gave up and threw it away.

3. What do you think about school uniforms?

I hated wearing a school uniform, particularly a school cap in my first two years in grammar school. It’s weird to see that the uniform is still the same today as it was back in the 1970s. 

4. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?

Romans, without a shadow of a doubt. At school, I was forced to study Latin for five years but one of the good things about it was that we were given an insight into the Roman way of life. The course books told the story of a family in Pompeii, consisting of a banker called Caecilius, his wife Metella, their son Quintus and their cook Grumio and servant Clemens. 

I have had a taste of what life was like having visited Pompeii itself, which is brilliantly preserved (as tragic as its story is). I have also been to the Colloseum and Forum in Rome, which are also incredibly well preserved. 

I remember thinking, as I was walking around the streets of Pompeii, how I would like to jump in Dr Who’s Tardis and pop back to a time before Vesuvius destroyed the city and just spend an afternoon strolling around with a little cash and some pigeon Latin to help me chat to the locals.

5. What would make a great new Crayola color?

Teal – it may already exist, I don’t know. 

6. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art?

I am a huge sceptic when it comes to the world of art, specifically contemporary modern art. In my opinion, people who produce the garbage that hangs on the walls of modern art museums or the ridiculous sculptures and other rubbish are simply ripping off the pseudo-intellectuals who are crazy enough to pay money for them. The artists who compete for the Turner Prize are definitely doing so for the money and fame and they produce ridiculous works of art that make me question the sanity of the people who laud them.

I wrote a post some time ago about this and produced two "works of art" to prove how stupid it was. 

If anybody wants to buy one of my masterpieces (called “Naughty Cat” and “Plastic Man”), please send me £500,000 (for each one) and I will gladly claim that they are significant as works of art – just to make you feel good about buying the pieces of crap.

7. What do you get in trouble for the most?

Ranting probably. I don’t get into trouble as a rule but sometimes at work I sit and listen to ridiculous nonsense coming from Human Resources and Senior Management and struggle to contain myself. And then something pushes me over the edge and I rant mercilessly about it. 

I have found myself at odds with certain managers as a result and, to be honest, I don’t care. For example, many years ago I told a bunch of new starters that our Quality System was a waste of time. What I didn’t know was that the Quality Manager was standing behind me listening to every word that I had said. 

I stood by my words though because at the time they were ridiculous. 

There is a lot of corporate nonsense that irks me today, not just with my own company but generally. One day, when I am free of the shackles of work, I may spill the beans when there will be no comebacks.

Put it this way – I can see why Dilbert appeals to people.

 

8.  Do you blow your nose in public?

Yes – if I need to. The alternative is worse – I’ll leave that to your imagination.

9. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Greedy Bankers and the pockets of people like Jeff Bezos and Larry Ellison.

10. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?

Absolutely – probably easier because now I am in control.

11. Who knows more...you, or your parents?

My parents thought they understood me – but they didn’t really.

12. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?

The guitar – no question.

I would love to be able to play as well as this guy.

13. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?

I would only do that if I weren’t with Mrs PM or anybody else because such an act would seriously damage a relationship. 

14. Are you completely in control of your body?

Yes – apart from when I am asleep, I guess, because I am unconscious the whole time and usually wake up in a different position from when I went to sleep.

15. What is the coolest web site you know of?

The Plastic Mancunian of course. And you are cool for reading it.