Sabotage

We are in Day 62 of the lockdown and in the UK we have a bit of a lockdown scandal. The chief aide to Boris the Clown is a guy called Dominic Cummings who is partly responsible for the rules and regulations that have been inflicted upon us for the past nine weeks. He has basically flouted the lockdown rules himself by driving over 250 miles to take his child to his parent’s house to look after him because his wife had symptoms of Covid-19. 

The rules are that if you or any member of your household show the symptoms you must self-isolate for 14 days. Cummings didn’t do this and drove 260 miles away. 

Here is the man in question.

If weasels were to evolve into humanoids, they would look exactly like him.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s answer some sill questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Of course I would. Given that we are in lockdown that person is of course Mrs PM so I would do that again repeatedly even if we weren’t stuck at home.

2. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?

 I am wearing a red shirt. You can’t get closer than that.

3. Did you meet someone new today?

Not today – it is too early. However, we have friends in Abu Dhabi and yesterday we were invited to join in their family quiz. It was amazing fun and we met many of their family members for the first time. We finished third by the way.

4. What are you craving right now?

Mrs PM is currently in the kitchen cooking a full English breakfast. The smell of bacon and sausage is driving me wild so I am definitely craving that at the moment.

5. What comes to mind when I say “cabbage.”

Sunday lunch.

6. What does your last text say?

“Cheers Steve”.

7. Do you bite into your ice cream, or just lick it?

If it is an ice cream cornet then I am a licker. If it is ice cream contained in a lolly, like a Magnum, then I am a biter.

8. Do you like your hair?

Absolutely not. One of the recurring themes in the inane drivel I write on this blog is my hatred for my own hair. I am convinced that it is sentient. It is mostly uncontrollable and the rest of the time totally annoying. As you can imagine, I can’t even get it cut at the moment due to the lockdown, so it is rampant. I am considering buying some hair clippers and Mrs PM has bravely volunteered to have a go at taming it if she can. 

I am almost tempted to shave it all off and become bald. 

Last weekend, I tried an experiment. I washed it and brushed it back while it was wet. My hair is so thick that it tends to stay in the last position I inflict upon it – or when I go to bed – the most absurd position it can ever find itself in. I walked around with my hair brushed back all day. 

Mrs PM said “I love your hair curly – it looks terrible brushed back”. 

Later in the day, I attempted to comb it forward again just to make Mrs PM happier and it refused to do so, mutating into a horrific hybrid mess. 

I went to bed. 

The following morning, I got up to go for a walk and my hair was horrendous - absolutely bloody horrendous. 

Every single hair decided to go its own way spiking up in places, laying flat in others, curling like a demented corkscrew in yet other places. 

And I had to face the public who were going through their daily exercise. I looked like a mad alien that had been tasered in the hair. 

Mrs PM didn’t think I looked too bad. I did – my hair was terrible – as it is right now.

I think I can sum this question up nicely. 

I HATE MY HAIR!

9. Do you like yourself?

Absolutely. 

As I get older I actually like myself more and more. Liking yourself is the first step to a happy life, I find. 

I watched a TED talk that touched on this recently, the gist of it being that when we are all kids we are happy but as we get older and reach middle age, we become much less happy. The good news is that after that dip, the older we get, we suddenly rediscover that happiness and by the time we reach old age we are generally more content than we have ever been. 

I am definitely on that upward curve.

10. Do you like cottage cheese?

I love cottage cheese and I don’t buy it often enough. I will have to rectify that situation.

11. What are you listening to right now?

I am listening to “Left Out” by one of my favourite bands called Riverside, a progressive group from Poland. I love this band and will take every opportunity to promote their brilliance to the world at large.

Here it is:

12. Is there anything sparkly in the room where you are?

Yes a sparkly face mask similar to this:

Last night we had a video call with our friends and were supposed to put on something silly. The mask was Mrs PM’s choice, from a Christmas Ball we went to a couple of years ago. I wore a silly wig that actually made me look better than my horrible hair does.

13. How many countries have you visited?

I have been to 35 countries and around 375 cities. 

Here is a map of my travels. 

I once worked out that I had travelled over 300,000 miles and seen about 25% of the world.

Some of the more interesting countries I have been to include China, Canada, Vietnam, Russia, Australia, United States of America, Japan, Brazil, South Africa, Thailand, United Arab Emirates, Oman. One day I will try to write some kind of travelogue about my adventures.

14. Are you sarcastic?

Sarcastic? Me? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Of course I am sarcastic. I am British – we are ALL sarcastic.

15. Have you ever crawled through a window? 

Yes. When I was about 15 years old my parents were out and I was tasked with looking after the house and my two younger sisters. Some friends called around and I went out to the front garden to chat to them. My curious sisters also came out, my youngest sister at the age of 10, walked out and slammed the door shut behind her, locking us all out of the house.

I didn’t want to get into trouble, so I frantically ran the back door hoping that was open. It wasn’t. Thankfully, I spotted that there was a window open – a small window where I had to climb up and slide down into the room beyond. I managed somehow to squeeze through, although I almost broke some items on the other side. 

And did my parents find out? No – until about two weeks later when my youngest sister, the one who had locked us all out, grassed me up (and herself) by innocently telling my mum about it.

And yes – I was in trouble.