The Pros and Cons of Growing Old

It’s taken me a while to admit it but, at the age of 55, I am a middle-aged man. In just over four years’ time I will achieve the aim of having been on this planet for 60 years. And at that time, I guess I might also have to admit to being an old man.

I don’t really have a problem with that. A couple of good friends of mine have recently turned 60 and seem to be embracing this new era in their lives with gusto. They are excited about the prospect of retiring and one of them is absolutely delighted with the news that she is about to become a grandparent.

It seems that growing old is great, but not all people agree.

Anyway, to balance the two views, I thought I would prepare a list of the pros and cons of growing old based on a little research and my own philosophy on life.

CONS

(1) Your body starts to let you down.

My eyesight has always been terrible. I used to be short-sighted but now I have to wear varifocals because I am struggling to read. Nobody warned me about that. Also, I have to look forward to illness, deafness and bits of my body that were firm starting to succumb to the effects of gravity and drooping like a water starved flower.

(2) You are not as good looking as you used to be.

Every time I look into the mirror I am convinced that I am becoming uglier. I was hideous to start with and now, with greying hair and wrinkles appearing, I look worn out. Mind you, older people probably think I look fine because their eyesight is getting worse.

(3) Fashion for the elderly is absolutely awful.

The other week I was shopping for a new shirt and wandered into Marks and Spencer. Why, I don’t know – perhaps my ageing brain told me to because I am almost an old git. I looked around the department labelled “Men’s Fashion” (the word “fashion” used in its loosest possible way) and immediately walked out again. The clothes were awful. The only people browsing were old men wearing similar clothes. What person decided that once you get old you should wear clothing that is so dreadful it actually ages you even more?

(4) You start to feel out of touch with young people.

These days I find myself ranting at young people who have no knowledge of the things I used to love when I was their age. They love it and wind me up even more (apparently I am really funny when I rant). When I ask them about their passions and loves they bamboozle me with music, TV programmes, games and all manner of things that I have never heard of. When it comes to youth culture I am totally clueless.

(5) You start going to more funerals than weddings.

Old people are always talking about people who are seriously ill or have died. The cloud of death seems to hover over them and becomes a major topic of conversation. I am a hypochondriac and when I hear that old Bill from up the road has died I have to seriously stop myself from browsing the internet to find out about what killed him. When I am old, all talk about diseases of the aged will be banned.

(6) You start to forget things.

I used to pride myself on having a fantastic memory. Nowadays, it is worse. I am not that bad but I do find myself forgetting simple things. It is infuriating.

(7) You start to slow down.

When I was younger I used to run everywhere, bound up and down the stairs and play sports for fun. These days, I look at young people jumping around, running about and hurling themselves into energetic pastimes with envious eyes. I simply cannot keep up.

PROS

(1) You will be free to do what you like.

I can’t wait until retirement  and I am already making plans. At this moment in time I have no idea what I will do to occupy my time but I don’t care. I will find something. I can write a book, learn a new language, join a club, travel – anything really. By the time I retire I shall have a grand plan and be as rampant as a man in his sixties can be.

(2) You care less about what people think of you.

I used to be a sensitive soul but over the years, I have become immune to people who have insulted me or taken the piss. I usually make fun of myself such is my contempt for my own sensitivity. If someone were to say to me “Why are you going home early? You’re turning into a boring old fart!” I would say “Yes I am – and I am bloody proud of it!”

(3) You are wise.

Older people have had a lot of experience and can generally help and advise anybody. I do this all the time with my two lads and many other young people I know and work with. I have been asked to join a quiz team because of the amount of trivia I have stored in my brain.

(4) You are able to watch your kids grow up.

I have two great boys and am lucky enough to have watched them grow into young adults with minds and personalities of their own. I regard them both as mates as well as sons and we get along famously. I look forward to seeing them have their own families (though I’m not ready to be a grandparent myself yet).

(5) You may be better off.

I quite like the idea about getting pensioner discounts because I am an old git. Sadly I have to wait another few more years before I can enjoy free travel, discount cinema tickets etc.. Also, given how long I have been running the irritating rat race, I would hope that I will be reasonably well off in my twilight years. Thankfully Mrs PM is younger than me by a few years so we should be okay and she can look after my decrepit old body (don’t tell her I said that).

(6) Your experience can stand you in good stead.

Whatever I choose to do when I finally retire, I fully intend to start writing down my thoughts and life experiences more prolifically. Whether the Plastic Mancunian will survive and become a medium for my rants is yet to be decided – but I shall scribble things down for my kids and family to read in the years after I have finally shuffled off this mortal coil. Even now, I like to tell youngsters about things I have experienced – and it’s fun.

(7) You can be as grumpy as you want.

The phrase “grumpy old git” is there to be embraced. I have been practicing for years and am very good at it. “What are you moaning about now?” is a question I am asked a lot. There is so much – just picking up a newspaper can set me off even now. What do you imagine I shall be like it 20 years?

AND FINALLY …

As I said earlier, I have a few years to prepare for being an old man and I hope to embrace the pros listed above while minimising the cons.

I think I can do that … if I’m not too tired and can remember.

Risky Business

When people ask me whether I am willing to take a risk, I tell them that I am very risk averse. I am one of those annoying people who spend ages making decisions in order to minimise risk (that's according to Mrs PM anyway).

Recently, however, I read an article that may have changed my opinion of myself.

The article states that the average Briton takes ten risks a week. As I read the headline, I wondered who these amazing people were. Logically, because I am so risk averse and rarely take any risks at all, there must be thousands of my fellow countrymen who hurl themselves into risk filled situations every single day of the week.

I wanted to know what these people did. I imagined that some of them threw themselves out of aircraft, climbed mountains without the aid of a safety net or asked a policeman if his head was shaped like his helmet.

I wanted to know these people.

And then I read the article.

Foreigners may think that British people are boring stuffy people who keep a stiff upper lip and tut loudly when somebody pushes to the front of a queue. If this article is true then the boring description is also true.

Of the 40 typical “risks” that Britons take, I take 35 of them on a regular basis.

35!!

You may now consider me to be some kind of daredevil, a man who laughs in the face of fear, messes up the hair of terror and pulls down the trousers of danger.

You may think I am Superman on steroids!

You are wrong.

Here are just five of the so-called “risks” in the list.

Turning up at the cinema without a ticket.

Staying up until after 11pm on a work night.

Leaving the house without an umbrella or coat.

Leaving the house with wet hair.

Pressing the snooze button on the alarm.

Are these risks?

Really?

Now I think the opposite. If I am risk averse (and I am) then there must be people living in the United Kingdom who do absolutely nothing, people who always leave the house with a coat no matter how warm it is outside.

“I don’t care whether the weatherman said it will be hot and sunny all day; this is Britain – it’s bound to rain.”

I have to ask myself how these so-called experts came to this conclusion. I don’t recall being phoned up by a mad market researcher and asked a bunch of stupid questions to determine what kind of weirdo I am. I can only imagine the conversation:

PM: Hello.

Market Researcher: Do you go outside without a coat at least once a week?

PM: What?

Market Researcher: Do you go outside without a coat once a week? Or maybe you go out with wet hair?

PM: WHAT??

Market Researcher: I’m sorry. I just want to find out how risk averse you are.

PM: I’m very risk averse. Who are you again?

Market Researcher: A market research assistant. How do you feel about going to a restaurant without booking a table first? 

PM: I do all of those things.

Market Researcher: Wow! I’ve called Superman. And I’ll bet you drink coffee just before you go to bed.

PM: Sometimes, why?

Market Researcher: (muffled) This is GREAT! Hey chaps – I’ve got a great one here. What? No – I’ll bet he doesn’t do that.

PM: Do what? Who are you taking to? 

Market Researcher: Just my colleagues. Can I just ask (gulp) have you ever (I’m a bit scared to ask this) sat in reserved seat on a train to London?

PM: Yes.

Market Researcher: A seat that was reserved for somebody else? 

PM: Yes – I just move when they come.

Market Researcher: What a BADASS you are.

PM: This phone call is over.

Market Researcher: Such a BADASS! Nobody would dare slam the phone on me. We’re British – we are …

PM: (slams down the phone).

It makes me wonder whether all the junk cold calls we receive are just dumb market researchers ringing us to find out how boring we all are. And how risky is it to actually answer those calls? It must be because sometimes I do and I tell them to stop phoning me about an accident I never had, or mis-sold insurance for my mortgage.

Anyway, having read the article I now know that I am a risk seeker. It is official. I take more risks every week than your average Brit.

I am a TOTAL BADASS! I use American slang in my blog posts! I just don’t care!

I listen to heavy metal in my car and, sometimes, I sing out loud.

I sometimes decide, on the spur of the moment, to have a sandwich for lunch instead of a salad. Do you know anyone like that?

I even, sometimes, actually spend money on things I want rather than things I need. How risky is that?

To quote the late great Rik Mayall: “I am a rider at the Gates of Oblivion and I am on the last freedom moped out of Nowhere City!”

Are you impressed with the new me?

The Butterfly Effect

Welcome to the next post in the series about the end of the world – this time concentrating on another silly thing that people believe. This one involves time travel.

Time travel is a concept that fascinates me and has done ever since I was a young boy reading yet another H.G.Wells novel – “The Time Machine”.

I have read several novels and watched a lot of movies that involve time travel and, of course, my favourite science fiction series is Dr Who, where the main protagonist has a machine that can travel back and forth through the ages.

Sadly, as much as I love the concept, there are usually gaping holes in the stories and plot lines. I can forgive most of them but sometimes struggle. Even the simplest ideas can be burdened with anomaly, paradox and contradiction.

I have written down three ideas for time travel novels and each one would be difficult to write, If I were to suddenly become a brilliant novelist overnight I would still struggle with the convoluted plot in each one of the three and would be constantly on the lookout for the inevitable gaping plot holes that would almost certainly occur frequently throughout the storyline.

One day I will have a go but it will be a scary undertaking.

So what has time travel got to do with the end of the world?

If you have ever seen a movie called “The Butterfly Effect” you will know what I am talking about. There are people living on the same planet as you and I who actually believe that the world could end because of the Butterfly Effect.

If you don’t know what I am talking about, let me explain. The Butterfly Effect basically relies on the existence of time travel as a real technology and phenomenon.

Imagine if time travel were possible. If I were to travel back in time and I accidentally stepped on a butterfly, killing it instantly, the effects of that one careless act could theoretically cause a massive chain reaction building up over the intervening years that would ultimately cause a chaotic event that could wipe out humanity and/or the entire planet.

It’s difficult to imagine the death of a butterfly causing such a catastrophe but if you think about it in bigger terms the possibilities are endless, particularly if a human being’s life was accidentally taken instead.

The reason most people dismiss the Butterfly Effect is that it really does rely on the existence of time travel. As much as I love science and the concept of time travel I know that this is impossible. If time travel were possible, surely history would be full of time travelling tourists heading back in time to witness history as it happened. If I could get my hands on the means to travel through time I would almost certainly head forwards in time to see what was going on in the coming centuries rather than going over old ground.

And what would happen if, say, a time traveller with a conscience decided to go back and kill Hitler for example?

The chances are that the resulting turbulence on the time line could prove fatal for the traveller. If World War II never happened, his grand-parents may not have actually met and he would immediately cease to exist as he extinguished Hitler’s life. Or the death of Hitler may end up resulting in the death of a brilliant scientist who ultimately produces the cure for a terrible contagion that wipes out humanity before he has found  the cure.

Brain-bending stuff, eh?

And what if the time traveller had met a younger version of himself? Surely he would have remembered such a momentous occasion in his past life. And would meeting a past version of yourself cause the entire timeline to explode in a paradoxical explosion like the ending of the movie Timecop?

These days,  time travel paradoxes are explained by alternative realities, so that if you were to go back in time and change history, then history as we know it would be preserved while the alternative history caused by you stepping on a butterfly would in fact just be an alternative reality that we would never experience. This was explained in Back to the Future Part II and it blew a lot of people's minds.

Thinking about this makes my brain hurt!

Anyway, enough of this nonsense – and that is what the Butterfly Effect is. The world will not end because of time travel because time travel is impossible.

Even Stephen Hawking agreed with me. He famously held a cocktail party for time travellers from the future, the theory being that in future if time travel becomes possible then any future traveller would accept the invitation, step back in time and attend the party.

Nobody turned up.

If I am wrong and there is a budding Dr Who out there, please feel free to come and visit me any time – assuming this blog stands the test of time and future time travellers are able to read it.

It would make a great story if it happens.

I'll write a post about it.

Aliens Are Coming

I’ve discussed a few realistic ways in which the world could end so I think now it is time to get a little silly and talk about some of the more crazy things that people believe about the end of humanity.

Let’s start with something that is close to my heart: alien invasion.

I love science fiction, particularly involving aliens (the stranger the better) and avidly watch TV programmes and movies featuring weird and wonderful creatures from another planet blowing Earth to smithereens with maximum prejudice.

My favourite book is “The War of the Worlds” by H.G.Wells, just to reiterate this.

What a total geek I am.

I don’t care.

The big question for people like me is: do such aliens actually exist?

In my opinion there are some people living on this planet that may actually be alien – they certainly resemble stereotypical extra-terrestrials. I don’t want to fuel any conspiracy theories but there are some odd people walking about. Could these people be the initial wave of invaders, sent here to prepare the way for the army of monsters to follow? Could they be sent to initiate control so that when the invaders arrive we are subjugated with minimum resistance?

It’s possible when you think about it. Shape-shifting aliens could already be here conquering us passively by making themselves celebrities and gathering vast armies of fans  having already hypnotised the most gullible amongst us so that only those immune to their charms will have to be conquered.

How else do you explain Oprah Winfrey and Lady Ga-Ga?

Such aliens would also want to know everything about us. Consider how people love to post every intimate detail about themselves on social media with no worries at all about the consequences of their actions. Imagine an alien (or aliens) possessing all of this information about us?

Step forward Mark Zuckerberg with Facebook.

Seriously, though, there are lots of famous people who believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials. The late great Professor Stephen Hawking, one of the most intelligent people ever to have lived often spoke about what would happen if human beings were to encounter aliens. He wasn’t very positive about the possibility. He said two things that interest me:

“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonize whatever planets they could reach. Who knows what the limits would be?” 

“Meeting an advanced civilization could be like Native Americans encountering Columbus. That didn’t turn out so well.”

That’s kind of scary, isn’t it?

If you think about it, there are countless trillions upon countless trillions of planets out there in our universe. How arrogant are non-believers in thinking that we are the only intelligent life form in the entire universe?

Yet at the same time there is the Fermi Paradox. Enrico Fermi, a famous physicist, stated that given the age and size of the universe and the trillions of planets out there, then it stands to reason that some form of intelligent life must have managed by now to use technology to create spaceships that can traverse vast distances and visit, and possibly conquer, most if not all of the known universe.

So where is everybody? Where are these aliens? Hence the paradox.

Of course, Fermi’s question might be answered by alien believers who, joking aside, are convinced that aliens really have landed on Earth and are walking amongst us. If you look on YouTube you will find thousands of videos ranging from aliens caught on camera to UFO’s whizzing about in our skies. Also, there are others who think that we have already been invaded and that the so-called ruling elite are in fact alien shape-shifters controlling us all.

I knew it! Donald Trump is an alien! That explains a lot.

Realistically though, if there are belligerent aliens out there, then surely it would have been easier to invade centuries ago before we developed the technology to fight back. An alien invasion fleet would have encountered little resistance from Neanderthals, ancient Greeks, Romans, medieval peasants and even early twentieth century people.

The “War of the Worlds” story illustrates just that – the army of Martians in H.G.Wells’ book wiped out a large percentage of nineteenth century England with little or no effort.

There is additional speculation that humanity is in fact an alien race and that we ourselves were planted here to populate the planet after the dinosaurs were wiped out. When you think about it, it is possible that we were deposited here as a primitive colony all those centuries ago.

I like the idea that perhaps you and I, are aliens who successfully conquered Earth.

It explains a lot.