Interesting Confusions

Welcome to another cold and sunny October day is South Manchester. I was 57 years old this time last week and now I am 58 – another year added to my life. I’m still very content though, despite the pandemic, and as the years march on I am looking forward to the day when I can tell my employers that I am calling it a day. That time is getting closer and closer.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on that for now; let’s answer some daft questions from Sunday Stealing instead. 

1. Can you cry under water?

I have never cried underwater but I think that it is physically possible, as shown by this poor lady:

I think you can also cry in the rain. But, as Mr David Coverdale says, “No one ever sees the tears when you’re crying in the rain” – I guess that can be extended to “crying underwater”.

Here is “Crying in the Rain” by Whitesnake – the original bluesy version.

2. What is the fattest thing you’ve ever done?

I would say that the fattest thing I have ever done is to eat an entire box of Lindor Swiss chocolates. I love them but my gluttony knew no bounds at that time. I remember it was Christmas and I was watching a film and just scoffed the lot. There was payback though because they made me feel sick.

These days I limit the amount that I eat – mostly by not actually buying them.

3. If you’re going to be arrested what do you want your crime to be?

It would be for beating up Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Jacob Rees-Mogg. The punishment would be worth it. 

"I'm an incompetent clown! Call me BoJo!"

A creature that evolved from a frog!

Victorian Tosser

4. When they say dog food is “new and improved” who tastes it?

I would imagine that human beings have tasted it. There is a good chance that it is not really “new and improved” because that is just a marketing ploy to persuade you that the slop inside is better than it was. 

I tasted some dog food when I was a kid and it was utterly revolting. I looked at our pet dog and told him that I felt sorry for him. When I put the dish full of the slop in front of him, he devoured the lot at a rate of knots that suggested he had never eaten before. 

Trust me, dear reader, even “new and improved” dog food tastes absolutely disgusting.

5. What’s the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?

Myself at 4am when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. My hair was all over the place, my eyes were bloodshot and, for a second, I thought there was a monster in the bathroom with me until I realized that it was a mirror image of myself. 

6. Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?

Because of water. When the glue is in the bottle it is sealed and remains liquid because of the water. When you apply the glue, it is exposed to the air and the water evaporates, causing the glue to dry and harden and, well, stick the things together.

7. What historical event do you wish you’d witnessed?

I don’t think it’s an event as such, but I would have loved to have wondered around ancient Rome and just see what Roman life was actually like. I was taught Latin at school so I figure that some of that may have come in useful to interact with the people. 

8. Who has had the best influence on your life?

My dad influenced me in my early years but since then, I can’t put my finger on just one person. I tend to listen to people who are sensible and along the way I have learned the mantra that life is definitely worth living and that stress should be battled at every opportunity. A good work/life balance is essential and, in my opinion, mandatory. I’ve heard that from a few people so I will nominate them too.

9. Would you rather go into space or to Antarctica?

I would rather go to Antarctica. However, should teleportation be invented before I shuffle off this mortal coil, as used on a Star Trek transporter, then I would willingly go to space. 

10. Would you rather sleep with no pillow or no blankets?

It depends on the weather. If it were very warm then I would sleep with no blankets. If it were cold then the pillows could be sacrificed I guess.

11. What's your favourite rain memory?

I was in Trinidad and staying at a hotel on the outskirts of Port of Spain. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was bored. I decided to go for a walk around a park. Dressed in a T-shirt, shorts and trainers, I started wondering around. In the distance I saw a huge black cloud approaching over the hills and figured that if I started back I would avoid the storm. Sadly, I was about two miles away from the hotel and I realized with horror that the cloud was part of a massive fast-moving thunderstorm. The rain came within about five minutes and with the thunder and lightning it looked like the end of the world was suddenly upon us. I stood sheltering under tree with a young Trinidadian lad and seriously contemplated allowing Jesus to enter my life. 

The rain was so heavy that all of the crap from the tree simply fell onto us. The young lad apologized to me because he thought that my day was being ruined by this bizarre apocalyptic storm. I told him that I was here with work so it didn’t matter. In the end, I sheltered under that tree for about 20 minutes and the rain continued and, if anything, started to get worse. I worked out that I was about 20 minutes away from the hotel so I shook hands with the young lad, wished him luck and made the sacrifice of trying to get back to the hotel. He watched me as if I were a soldier embarking upon a suicide mission into no-man’s land.

The rain was probably the most intense I have ever been in. The temperature was still very warm, as you can imagine in the Caribbean, and my glasses let me down. Within minutes they were drenched and steaming up making it almost impossible to see. I felt like I was walking under Niagara Falls. 

Eventually I reached the hotel and walked into reception looking like a drowned rat. I walked up to the desk to ask for my key and the two female receptionists stared at me as if I were an alien that had just walked off a spaceship. 

“Can I have my key please?” I asked politely. 

They were struggling not to laugh as they handed over my key. 

“Oh by the way – it’s raining our there!” I said.

That was the catalyst. The two women howled with laughter, one of them gripping the reception desk so that she didn’t fall over. 

The other said “It’s not funny. I’m so sorry for laughing,” as she continued to roar with laughter.

I just smiled as the two women guffawed for Trinidad. 

When I got back to my room, it took me 10 minutes to peel my sodden T-shirt off my back and my trainers were so full of water that I had to empty them into the toilet. 

I looked at my face in the mirror and I was covered in dirt from the tree – I looked like I had had a swim in a swamp. No wonder the women were laughing at me.

I enjoyed that incident despite the trauma of the apocalyptic storm. I can still picture the laughter of the two wonderful receptionists, who were still struggling not to laugh when they apologised to me later in the day.

12. If you were elected president, what is the first thing you would do?

I would demand to see Donald Trump’s tax returns and throw the bugger in jail while he was being investigated.

13. If you had $3 to spend in the dollar store, what would you buy?

I would buy a pen and notepad. You can never have enough pens or notepads.

14. What’s the most annoying sound in the world?

This:

15. What natural disaster scares you the most?

I was say a volcanic eruption. I am fascinated by the story of Pompeii and having visited the ruins and seen for myself the fossilised carcasses of the poor people who were caught up in the pyroclastic flow from Vesuvius the whole thing scares me to death.

Funny Questions

Welcome to sunny South Manchester, a place that is experiencing a Covid-19 spike because students are back at university and caused the rates to go up quite significantly in the city. There are several hundred in quarantine at the moment. The district where I live is a couple of miles away from the main area where students live and study and, thankfully, we’re not too bad but the counts for the city all count against us. We are already under additional restrictions and I don’t see them lifting any time soon, especially as the infections rates are rising in the whole of the UK generally. 

I can safely say that I am officially sick of this virus now, if you will pardon the pun. The year 2020 needs to be over as soon as possible and to take the coronavirus with it.  

Let’s lighten things up a bit with a few silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could use a time machine to go back in time to fix one thing or go to the future to see what it is like which would you do?

I would definitely go to the future. The past is the past and it is over and, as a technophile I would love to see what new tech is available in the future. I would also be intrigued to know what is happening in the world or whether we have explored the solar system yet. Of course there is always the danger that I could materialise in a dystopian future, in which case I would come right back and start preparing for it. I think I would hop forward about 5 years at a time, continuing until things started to get bad. Hopefully they wouldn’t and I would witness a new age for humanity.

2. If all of a sudden there was a depression or there were no stores to buy food, clothing, etc. how would you manage?

I would head out to the countryside in search of food I reckon. Clothes? I’ve got plenty and I wouldn’t mind them becoming scruffy or out of date (I am not a dedicated follower of fashion).

3. Are you concerned with what other people think about you?

Not at all. I used to be but as I’ve grown older, I care less and less what people think of me. I am quite likely to ask why people think the way they do and have done so in the past, particularly when it comes to people judging me based on my political views. It says more about the person judging than me to be fair. I like to think that if people don’t like me for whatever reason then it is their problem not mine.

They are the ones missing out, not me.

4. How do you handle people you don’t like?

I like to think I am a nice chap and I just tend to avoid people that I don’t like. But, if I can’t avoid them I will still be pleasant. Life’s to short to be nasty.

5. What do you think of garden gnomes?

I believe that garden gnomes are plotting the downfall of humanity. They sit there in their gardens, trying to look innocent but when night comes and people are asleep, they wake up and gather together conspiring with each other. If you are unfortunate enough to own one or more garden gnomes, this is my advice. Get rid of them – you will be the first to suffer their wrath. They are loyal only to each other not to their “owners”. If you can’t get rid of them, I would suggest measuring the distance between each one and your back door – to see if they are moving closer. Failing that, install a CCTV system and watch them at night. The reason we don’t know about this is because people do not believe they could do this. I know, dear reader. I’ve seen them – particularly when I have had several pints of beer. Be warned. They are evil.

6. You’ve been given an elephant. you can’t give it away or sell it. what would you do with the elephant?

I would first build a shelter for it in my back garden and then charge people to come and see it. I would use that money to buy some land and transport the elephant there so that the creature had more room to wander about. Eventually I would acquire another elephant as a mate and then in due course open a zoo or an elephant sanctuary. And then I would have an army of elephants which I would use in the coming war with garden gnomes. Imagine the damage an army of elephants could do to garden gnomes?

7. How would you design a spice rack for the blind?

A spice rack for the blind would have to have something for a blind person to be able to identify the spices themselves using their sense of smell. Perhaps easily liftable lids to make it easier.

8. How lucky are you and why?

I have had some luck in my life so far but I wouldn’t say that I am lucky. If I were I would gamble more and I know for a fact that when it comes to such endeavours my luck runs out. 

For example, the very first time I went to a horse race, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or which horses would win each race, so I just blindly picked one. My plan was to spend a maximum of £5 on each of the 8 races. I lost the first one but picked the winner in each of the other 7 races. I won a total of £180, annoying everybody who was with me. I am a generous fellow so I paid for a large round of drinks in the pub afterwards. I have since been to about ten race meetings (we try to go every year) and my philosophy is still the same. However, I have never done as well as that first time and on only one occasion since have I broke even. The remaining times I have made a loss. I guess I’m not that lucky thinking about it. 

9. What’s your biggest kitchen fail?

We once had a dinner party and Mrs PM tasked me with making dessert. She provided me with a recipe and all of the ingredients and I set about the task. The result was disaster, so much so that I popped out and bought a replacement from the local supermarket. I’m not usually a bad cook but that particular dessert (I can’t recall what it was) exposed any limitations that I have when it comes to cookery.

10. What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in school?

I could write a book about embarrassing things that have happened. I would say one of them was when I was about 6 years old. I told the class that my dad was a fireman. He wasn’t. The teacher believed me and saw my dad when he came to pick me up and asked him if he could come into class in his fireman’s uniform and tell the kids about his job. My dad thought it was hilarious and I was made to look a complete fool in front of my schoolfriends. 

11. If you could kill off any character from a current television show, who would it be?

I always hated Neelix in Star Trek: Voyager as well as Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation so they would have been the first to go if you had asked me in the 1990’s. No character has recently had such a negative affect on me since, I don’t think.

12 . If you could make a rule for a day and everyone had to follow it, what would it be?

I would wait until the next election day and make the rule that no person is allowed to vote for Boris Johnsons’s Conservative Party – but that they still had to vote.

13. Would you rather be a hobbit or an elf for 24 hours?

I think I would rather be an elf because hobbits are weird little creatures with weird feet. And I do not like feet.

14. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I did it to keep Mrs PM company and I thought that it would help vanquish my fear of heights. It didn’t. I was terrified for four hours. It is coincidentally the most stupid thing I have ever done.

15. Would your rather shoot spaghetti out of your fingers or sneeze meatballs?

I would rather use an army of elephants to help me vanquish the threat of garden gnomes.

Life Entirely

 Welcome to another sunny day in South Manchester. Let’s not mess about – let’s dive straight into sill question mode from Sunday Stealing.

1. Something someone told you about yourself that you never forgot

When I was a kid at junior school, roughly aged about ten years old, the teachers were advising parents about which senior school we should be going to. I was a Roman Catholic so this was the only such junior school in the area and, logically, the kids would almost certainly end up at a comprehensive school local to them. It seemed that this might happen to me but I was quite a clever chap and passed an exam called the “11 Plus” with flying colours. This opened up a chance for me to go to what was considered the best school in Walsall, the local grammar school. My parents were delighted and when they chatted to the headmaster of the junior school, with me sitting there looking humble, he actually said these words. 

“I don’t think that David has the ability to cope with the demands of the grammar school. I think it is a mistake to apply, if I can be quite frank about it.”

Thankfully, my dad disagreed and I applied.

Not only was I accepted, without having to take the entrance exam, I thrived in that school, leaving with 10 O-levels, 4 A-levels and a place at university.

So all I can say to that headmaster now is – you were a complete arse and I am delighted to have proved you wrong.

2. What are your 3 top pet peeves

Top of the pile is the Conservative Party in the United Kingdom who have been in government for the past ten years sadly. What have they achieved? They have decimated public services with their program of austerity, widening the gap between rich and poor to an almost insurmountable chasm; they are responsible for Brexit and the fact that we are now out of the European Union, a decision that I am still angry about; finally their handing of the pandemic is amongst the most incompetent in the entire world.

The pandemic itself is pissing me off too. This year will go down as a complete disaster and I feel like I have been locked in a cage.

The “fake news” fad that is now ubiquitous. Our leaders are telling absolute lies to us every single day and there are getting away with it. Chief amongst them is the Orange Goblin still squatting in the White House, but our own Clown is almost as bad. “A world beating test and trace system” is what Boris Johnson described the incompetent mess that we have in place now. 

I must not rant …

3. List five places you want to visit

Amywhere. As I said, I feel like a bird trapped in a cage at the moment. Here are plans we have once the Covid-19 chaos has passed.

A belated 50th birthday trip to Greece to celebrate Mrs PM’s birthday (cancelled from this year).

A trip to the south of Spain (cancelled from this year).

A trip to Italy with friends to jointly celebrate Mrs PM’s birthday plus the 60th birthday of another close friend (cancelled from this year).

Our next long haul trip will probably be to Malaysia (taking in Hong Kong).

I would really like to go back to Japan too. Hopefully we will get back there within a few years. 

4. Share something you struggle with

At the moment my only real struggle is having to work in a career that I am fed up with. I am good at what I do and you would think that this is a good thing to keep me going for my final few years. However, I struggle to whip up the enthusiasm to do it any more and the only thing that keeps me going are the people I work with, all of whom are really intelligent and funny people. 

5. Post words of wisdom that speak to you.

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.”

6. Something you always think “what if....?” about

What if I had accepted that job in London instead of Manchester?

7. Five blessings in your life.

I glad that I am a healthy chap even though age is beginning to creep into my bones.

I am very content with my house, Mrs PM and my family.

My mates, some of whom I have known for decades.

My laid back attitude to life. Sure, I can rant with he best of them, but deep down I am an easy-going bloke who tries to see the best in all bad situations, even if it means making fun of them.

The fact that I look about 15 years younger than I am – especially without the beard I have at the moment.

8. Something that you miss.

We no longer have any cats. Four years ago we had three of them but now they are all gone. The most recent, and last, was Poppy. She was 18 years old and died two weeks ago. She was a scaredy cat who used t run away from me all of the time but since I have been working from home, she bonded with me lay next to me in the morning when we opened the bedroom door to let her in in the morning. We noticed that she was drooling a lot and saw a little blood on her teeth, so we took her to the vet who told us that she had mouth cancer that had spread. He said she was in pain and had to be put to sleep immediately. We were so shocked that we sought a second and third opinion. They all said the same and told us that we could treat the pain she was in for maybe another two weeks but that she would be in agony. We had already watched Jasper slowly die for about two months and didn’t want Poppy to suffer like he had so with a heavy heart we had to do the deed. 

I miss her much more than I thought I would. 

We will have a little break but there will be cats in our house again. We are thinking about Christmas – another couple of kittens.

9. Post about your zodiac sign and whether or not it fits you.

I am a Libra and Mrs PM thinks that I am stereotypical of that star sign. She is a Leo and apparently Libra and Leo are the best combination when it comes to romance. I am very sceptical about it but I have explored this before. Here are my findings.

10. Think of a word. Search for it on Google images.  Write something inspired by the 11th image.

The word I picked is something else I miss – travel.

Here is the image:

The image shows an aircraft flying into the sunset and inspires bittersweet emotions. I love the image because I am very fond of sunsets and it reminds me of past trips abroad. Yet at the same time I feel deeply frustrated that I will have spent the whole of 2020 in the UK without crossing it’s borders. Bring on 2021 I say.

11. Write about an area of your life that you’d like to improve.

I have a tendency to procrastinate and for the past few years I have been attempting to defeat this annoying trait. And I think I might be succeeding. At the start of the lockdown, I vowed to complete a Japanese travelogue based on a trip I took with Mrs PM back in 2013. Yes – that is seven years ago – see what I mean about procrastination? Well the good news is that I know that I can defeat this bug in my psyche if I think about it – after all, I never ever procrastinate at work. And for this year at least, I made great progress. I finished the first draft of the travelogue yesterday – and I will review it and complete it by the end of 202 as promised. 

12. What made you laugh out loud today.

Nothing so far but this guy did yesterday. He is a British comedian called Romesh Ranganathan and I watched one of his shows on TV.

Here is an older example of his work:

13. What are your goals for the next 30 days.

Finish draft two of the Japanese travelogue, try to somehow celebrate my birthday within the constraints of the lockdown and possibly start a new writing project.

14. Your highs and lows for the month.

The lows were all to do with the pandemic. In Manchester we have had extra restrictions since the end of July but now with rising cases and the second wave, our Clown Prime Minister has announced more nationwide restrictions.

Are there any highs? I guess finishing draft one of the Japan travelogue is a high and also my favourite football team still being unbeaten.

15. Favourite movies that you never get tired of watching.

Most of the Marvel movies – especially the Avengers, Inglorious Basterds, The Matrix, Pulp Fiction, Star Trek movies, Aliens – too many to mention really.

16. Books you have read more than once.

I don’t tend to read books more than once because there are a lot of new ones out there just waiting to be read. The one I have read a couple of times is War of the Worlds by H.G.Wells because I first read it at school and had forgotten about it. 

17. Something about which you feel strongly.

Brexit is the worst mistake that the United Kingdom has made in my lifetime – and perhaps ever.

18. Five things that make you really happy.

Mrs PM, music, friends, football beer.

19. What are you excited about?

I’m excited about travelling once more when this cursed pandemic is finally over. I am also excited about the prospect of retiring. 

20. Three celebrity crushes

I don’t have crushes on celebrities but these ladies are the ones that leap to mind as being the most attractive: Gal Gadot, Morenna Baccarin and Lesley-Ann Brandt.

Gratitude

 

Welcome to another sunny Sunday in South Manchester, where the sky is blue and the temperature is perfect for a five mile walk in the local countryside. 

The football season is well under way and my team, Walsall, have started the season without defeat and ready to make a decent assault on the upper echelons of the table with the ultimate prize to gain promotion.

What else is there to do on a lovely Sunday? Answer some silly questions for Sunday Stealing. 

Let’s take the plunge.

1. A person I’m glad to have in my life.

I am not going to name just one person; instead I am going to shout out to all of my friends and family. Without them I would be incomplete and that would make the feel the opposite of glad.

2. Something I find comfort in.

I find comfort in anything that allows me to escape the daily grind. Music is a good thing to comfort me. I have a fairly eclectic taste including progressive rock, heavy metal, some pop music, classical music and there is always something to satisfy my mood or even to change it. Music is good for the soul.

3. My favourite part of the morning

Dawn. At this time of the year, on work days, I wake up at 6am and by 6:20 I am outside taking a reasonably fast paced walk around my local area. There are few people around and it is quite peaceful and now, in September, the sun rises as I walk allowing me to take some decent photographs of a Manchester sunrise. Like this one, taken earlier this week.

4. My favourite memory

There are far too many to single any one of them out. 

5. An accomplishment I’m proud of

I’m quite pleased that I have had the chance to visit some amazing countries that you would normally not consider as part of a holiday, like China and Russia. 

6. An opportunity I’m grateful for

As much as I am disillusioned with my career choice, I can honestly say that over the years I have been fortunate to be able to travel a lot thanks to my job. One day I will tell you what I do specifically – the day after I retire probably.

7. My favourite song (and why)

I don’t have an all time favourite song but I do have current favourites. Here are two of them - one ambient pop song, one symphonic metal song that hopefully illustrates my eclectic taste.

8. A future event I’m excited about.

The holiday I will be taking when all of this coronavirus nonsense is put to bed. Mrs PM and I had planned three holidays this year and have been nowhere. We will either be going to Spain, Italy or Greece – or all three.

9. My favourite area in my home.

My “man cave” as Mrs PM jokingly calls it. The room I am in now has a TV hooked up to a Playstation 4, a laptop and my music system. We have two sofas and we use it to entertain people (I trust you remember those heady days when we could invite people to our houses). Due to the lockdown we have converted our house into three pubs, figuratively speaking. The “man cave” is pub number two, called “The Warrior’s Arms” and is where we will sit and enjoy a beer while listening to music that we both like. It is so called because we have a replica terracotta warrior similar to those found in China near to the wonderful city of Xi’An.

Here he is:

10. Something beautiful I saw today.

The beautiful weather we have at the moment. The temperature is pleasant and the leaves are starting to turn as Autumn arrives. The sun shining on the trees and other foliage is very charming.

11. My guilty pleasure.

I don’t like the phrase “guilty pleasure”. If it makes you happy then why feel guilty about it?

I would say this film – but I don’t feel at all guilty.

12. Something I love about a family member

My two lads are both very funny guys – and as you can imagine, I am quite often the butt of their jokes. I don’t mind; I give as good as I get.

13. A compliment that made me feel good

I’ve had this compliment for most of my life. I look a lot younger than I am. Actually, maybe that is not quite true at the moment because I have a beard with some flecks of grey in it that makes me look more like my age. It is my lockdown beard and it will eventually come off so I can regain my youthful appearance.

14. The item I treasure the most.

I’m not really a religious person but I have a large leather-bound Bible that was passed down from my mum’s dad to me. My grandad was a very strict Roman Catholic and he bought it in 1950 as a brand new book. It is absolutely beautiful. It will be passed on eventually to one of my sons, probably the oldest one (as tradition dictates).

15. My favourite part about nature

I love the sky both during the day and at night. Whenever I am out and about I have my phone ready to capture some of the wonderful skies that present themselves to me, in particular sunrises and sunsets (like the photograph above). 

One time, in Greece, we rented a villa for a family holiday and it was a little inland on the island of Corfu. Because it was reasonably far away from the nearest town (a seaside resort) we could lie down on the sun loungers at night time and just watch the stars with little or no light pollution. 

It was wonderful.

16. A book I loved reading

Mrs PM and I recently watched the Jason Bourne movies starring Matt Damon. They are very good but nothing like the original books written by Robert Ludlum. So once more I am going to cheat and name three books rather than one: The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum. If you liked the movies, you will love the books, especially because the stories are completely different, particularly the two sequels.

I recommend them.

17. A freedom I’m grateful for

The freedom to openly criticize my government and write down on this blog what I really think about Boris Johnson, the head clown in a court of jesters.

18. My favourite part of the evening.

Dusk. As I said above, I love a good sunrise – but I also love a good sunset. Like this one taken a couple of years ago in Marbella, Spain.

19. One good thing that happened today.

Well I haven’t done an awful lot today so far so I will mention something good that happened yesterday. Mrs PM and I enjoyed a socially distanced Italian meal in one of our local restaurants. Very enjoyable.

20. How I show gratitude for my friends.

By just being there for them.

Personal Development

Welcome to sunny South Manchester on day 167 of the lockdown (or not depending on your viewpoint). We are still under additional restrictions in the city and it feels a bit like Groundhog Week, with everything repeating every single seven day period. 

At least the football season is starting.

Shall we answer some silly questions? I think so (courtesy of Sunday Stealing as usual). 

1. A person I like and why I like them

Is this a person I know or a famous person? I shall assume it is a person I know. 

I went to university with a great group of people and am still in touch with quite a few. One in particular, I shall call him Wally to protect the guilty, is a great lad. He was best man at my wedding and the reason is that he has a really dry sense of humour and is also one of the cleverest people I know. He and I have been friends for 38 years and, although he lives in London, we still stay in touch and meet up for a university reunion every year – except this year sadly. He is a funny guy and we share the same outlook on life. In fact, my very first trip abroad was with him to Amsterdam and the Oktoberfest in Munich where we got into some scrapes, including almost being indoctrinated by Scientologists. 

2. A famous person I’ve been compared to.

In terms of looks, I have been compared to The Proclaimers, a Scottish pop band from Scotland, Jerry Springer and Joe 90. It’s the blond hair and glasses you see. My hair is no longer blonde really – it has darkened over the years and there are flecks of grey on the sides – but that doesn’t stop people. 

On one occasion I was out with some guys from Mrs PM’s workplace and one of them, like me, has blond hair and glasses and a drunk guy wobbled up to us and shouted “It’s the Proclaimers! Give us a song lads!”

Here are The Proclaimers in case you are wondering with a picture of me beside them for comparison (it was taken a few years ago). 

I don’t have a Scottish accent so I don’t think I would fit into the band. Here they are performing.

3. Best thing that happened to me this week

Absolutely nothing of note has happened to me this week. It is Sunday and only the start of the week.

4. Weird things I do when I’m alone.

I sing very badly to songs in my music collection and if it is a very good rock song I may even stand up and play the air guitar.

I have conversations with Poppy, our one remaining cat. She thinks I am a nutcase.

I write garbage in the name of freewriting.

5. How I’d spend $10,000

That’s easy – I would travel to a place I haven’t been to before – that is assuming we are not still in the clutches of a virus.

6. My last night out in detail

It was Mrs PM’s birthday celebrations a couple of weeks ago. Mrs PM had planned three celebrations but because of the restrictions we were limited to just the two of us rather than friends and family. She had booked a table in a pub in Manchester city centre called The Refuge for pre-meal drinks but she had to reduce the numbers to just the two of us. It’s a very nice restaurant and bar in one of Manchester’s most iconic buildings.

After the Refuge we walked a short distance to a Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant called Sapporo and, as is typical in Manchester, it chose that moment to absolutely pour down with rain. I had not brought an umbrella and got absolutely drenched, causing some amusement for our fellow socially distanced diners.

It was a very pleasant evening.

7. Something that makes me sad when I think about it.

The current state of politics in the United Kingdom. We have a clown for a Prime Minister, we have left the European Union and are in the process of utterly ruining what was a perfectly wonderful country. And the latest thing that the Clown has done is to appoint the homophobic misogynist former Prime Minister of Australia, Tony Abbott, as a trade adviser. He was massively unpopular down under and now we have to suffer him too. I despair I really do. 

8. Something I’m currently worrying about

Apart from the pandemic? Well after the pandemic has done its best to destroy the economy, Brexit rears it’s ugly head again when the transition period ends at the end of the year. The stupid stubbornness of our Clown Prime Minister means that this deadline will not shift even though there is a pandemic and all the signs point to us crashing out without a deal, which will further destroy the economy and render us a bloody laughing stock.

How has it come to this?

9. Something I do without realizing.

Ranting. I am making a supreme effort to try to see the funny side of things instead of ranting about them but it is hard, dear reader, when there is nothing to laugh at. See my answers to (7) and (8).

10. A drunken story

On a university reunion in Barcelona last year, on the first night we had rather a lot of beers and when I got back to the hotel, I noticed a glass wall with a bar the other side and sitting next to the glass wall on the other side was a table full of women who were posing for a photograph. I walked up to the wall and tried to photobomb it. They found that amusing until I got Wally (see question 1) to take a photo of me next to the wall with the women photobombing my photograph. I tried gesticulating and they just thought I was a crazed lunatic. 

When I woke up next morning I looked at my phone and wondered why there was a photograph of me looking like an insane Joe 90 puppet next to a glass wall with the curtain drawn on the other side. 

Yes – that’s right. They had drawn a curtain so that they didn’t have to see the drunken fool on the other side. Wally reminded me of my antics and they rest of my mates simply laughed at my expense for the rest of the day.

I am 57 years old – not 18! You wouldn’t think that would you?

11. Something I regret

Having a photograph taken of me in a hotel in Barcelona next to a glass wall.

12. 5 things within touching distance.

A laptop, a mug full of steaming hot tea, a pile of CDs, a window, a hat.

13. Something I’ve lied about

I don’t tell lies because Mrs PM can spot them a mile off. She refers to my “lying voice” and “my lying face”. 

14. Lyrics that apply to my current mood

Because of this pandemic …

I believe I can see the future

'Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again, that might have been a dream

This is from the song “Every Day is Exactly the Same” by Nine Inch Nails. Here it is in its full glory.

15. My longest relationship

That would be with Mrs PM of course. 

Live Journal

Welcome to day 160 of the lockdown that may not be a lockdown any more but possibly might be depending on how you interpret what a lockdown is. We are still under additional restrictions in Greater Manchester but areas around us are being freed from those restrictions. Sadly, not Manchester though. 

I am a little tired because we have been for a 7.5 mile walk earlier this afternoon in Derbyshire, in the Peak District. We are allowed to do this, bizarrely, as long as we socially distance and don’t visit anybody in their homes or gardens. It’s a bit weird if you ask me but then having a clown as a Prime Minister is also very weird.

Tomorrow is a Bank Holiday that usually marks the end of summer so I am not in work – which is excellent. But it is Sunday so I will answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing, as has become the norm for a Sunday afternoon. 

Let’s take the plunge.

1. Who is the hottest celebrity you can think of?

I would say the there are three. Here they are.

2. Do you ever get so nervous that you can't even think?

Not really. One of my main fears is public speaking and I have had to do that several times as part of my job, when I was asked to spend a week giving training courses. As you can imagine, if you are training people then you have to be able to think so I had to find a way to face the fear and think when asked sometimes difficult questions.

3. Do you sing when there is no music?

Absolutely and sometimes in front of others, who are either irritated, embarrassed or think I am a buffoon.

4.Who was the best political leader in history and why?

That’s a really difficult question because I have a big problem with political leaders generally. I certainly cannot name one from my own country because in my experience they are all arses – even the ones representing the party I support. I am going to have to stick with one from my own country though and select Sir Winston Churchill because, first, I wasn’t born when he was Prime Minister and second, because against all odds, he was victorious in World War 2.

5 If you could dance with anyone in the world right now, who would it be and what song would you dance to?

I would dance with Mrs PM, of course, but I would have to select the song because generally I hate her music. 

Perhaps this one because we both like Zero 7.

Yes indeed – a man who likes progressive rock, progressive metal and heavy metal also likes ambient electronica. Mrs PM is quite pleased that we do indeed have an overlap. 

6 Finish this sentence your own way. There are two types of people in the world...

There are two types of people in the world those who feel empathy with other people and those who don’t. I would qualify that statement but it would inevitably lead to a rant about Brexit, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and all of the other ridiculous votes that have occurred in the last five years. Breathe deeply Dave – breathe deeply. Think of bunny rabbits frolicking in a field of daisies …

7 What have you saved since elementary school?

I had to look up what “elementary school” is. It is the equivalent of junior school in the United Kingdom. To be totally honest with you, I haven’t saved a single thing since junior school to my knowledge. I have the odd thing that dates back to that period but nothing to do with school sadly.

8 Have you ever won an award?

Yes I have but nothing major. 

9. Do you feel more connected to the sun or the moon?

I love the sun and I love the moon so I would say both. I am not really a spiritual person so any connection I have with those two heavenly bodies is non-existent.

10 Do flaws make people interesting to you?

Absolutely. I am a deeply flawed person myself and I also believe that most if not all people are. I have met people who think that they are perfect and I regard it as a challenge to expose their flaws (to myself of course – I am not a nasty person). People who admit their flaws up front are my kind of people.

11 Who is your favourite historical figure?

I’m not really into history that much but I have to admit that I am slightly fascinated with King Henry VIII, one of our most famous kings of England. When he was king, he was desperate to emulate the previous monarchs and because he was slightly mad he went about it in the most bizarre way, ruthlessly wiping out those that he perceived as his enemies as well as taking on religion and the Pope himself. He divorced two of his six wives and killed two more. Of the other two, one of them died and the other survived. He was a true maniac.

12. White bread or wheat bread?

Both.

13. Do you usually do things fast or right?

I prefer to do things right. I am a bit of a perfectionist, if I’m honest.

14. Are you or have you ever been in a band?

Yes indeed. I was in the school brass band and briefly in the school orchestra and even more briefly a jazz group. I played a trombone.

15. Here are 4 statements about me. Only one of them is true. Which one is it?

(1) I was an extra in an episode of Dr Who.

(2) I have been inside the Kremlin in Moscow and had an argument with a Kremlin guard.

(3) I am related to a very famous British person but I never tell anybody about it because I don’t want them to try to get me to meet him. 

(4) I am a Scientologist but too embarrassed to tell anybody.

16. Would you wear a thong bathing suit in public?

Absolutely not. I look bad enough in my swimming shorts.

17. Have you thought about death today?

No. I rarely think about death if I’m honest.

18. What is your favourite breakfast?

A full English breakfast. I don’t eat them very often because they are notoriously fattening. Typically they consist of sausages, bacon, fried eggs, beans, mushrooms, toast and lashings of HP sauce with fruit juice and a huge mug of tea.

I did have one this morning I have to confess mainly because the 7.5 mile walk helped to eliminate the extra pounds it will have added.

19. Are you the life of the party?

I can be but it depends how many people I know at the party. Let’s talk about extremes. If I know absolutely nobody them the answer is a definite no. I will attempt just to chat to a couple of people (I am deep down quite shy) but not the life and soul at all. If I know everybody then I will do my damnedest to chat to and entertain as many people as I can. 

20. If you hit an animal with your car would you get out to try and make sure it was okay?

Of course I would. I love animals. I think the exceptions might be if it were a rat or a snake or something like that.

21. When do you get your most peaceful and satisfying sleep?

I try to get a full peaceful night’s sleep every night but I usually fail on Friday and Saturday, mainly because I may have had a beer or two and I tend to stay up later. From Sunday to Thursday I go to bed early and aim to get a full eight hours, which I do most nights. Sleep is really important and I have been delving into it recently just because I heard an interesting talk on the effects of sleep deprivation. We all need a good night’s sleep.

22. What thought gets you out of bed in the morning?

Carpe Diem – even if it is a work day. Let’s get work out of the way so that I can relax. At the weekend I just want to be awake and do something.

23. What are you a member of?

I’m not a member of anything really. I think this will change over the next year or two as I start to cast one eye on retirement.

24. Name one place you refuse to ever go.

The ladies toilet. I did it once and got into trouble. My reason was a valid one though. Many years ago when I was a very young lad I was at a nightclub with friends and one of them was a young lady who had had a little too much to drink. The rest of the party were men.  The young lady looked a little green and told me she was going to the toilet. After a while, she didn’t return so I stupidly decided to go and check on her because nobody else would. I stood outside the ladies toilet and asked women who were coming and going if they would go in and check to see if my friend was okay. Most of them were drunk and thought that I was trying to chat them up or something. To be fair, I had had a few beers so I wasn’t exactly sober myself. Fuelled by Dutch courage, I had had enough of waiting so I just walked in and called her name. I heard her groan and she said that she would be coming out. Sadly there was a woman who objected to my presence and went to fetch the Meathead bouncer. I was a bit annoyed so I just stayed where I was. Then the bouncer came in and I was amazed to see that she was a woman and also, I guessed, she had the ability to hurl me out of the door – she was a big woman. 

I tried to reason with her and said “My friend is very ill” and thankfully, at that exact moment she left the cubicle and told the bouncer that I was just looking after her. The bouncer softened slightly but told me in no uncertain terms that I was violating the rules. I agreed and apologized and she let me off as long as I left the toilets immediately – I did. 

One of my mates took the young lady home and we stayed out. Of course, my mates were merciless and I had to endure the remainder of my time in the club being the butt of their jokes. 

There is no justice in this world when you are a young lad.

25. When (and if) people (or animals) go to heaven, do they become angels?

I doubt it. I can’t imagine myself becoming an angel if I end up in heaven. It would be nice to have wings but I am scared of heights so I wouldn’t be able to use them. As for animals – are you joking?

What's to Eat

 

Welcome to day 153 of the lockdown in Manchester in the north of England. Actually, I’m not that convinced that strictly speaking we are locked down now. In Manchester we have the additional restrictions but in the rest of the country, people can gather is social bubbles, go to the pub etc. and schools are planning to reopen in September. We still won’t be able to go to concerts or football matches because of the ban on mass gatherings but we can largely come and go as we please.  

Mrs PM planned a couple of birthday celebrations with friends and family this last week but they had to be cancelled because of the additional restrictions. Nevertheless because we are still allowed to go to the pubs and restaurants here, the two of us were able to still go out having reduced the number of people on each reservation. 

So she had a good week and, sadly, I have to dive back into the rat race again tomorrow and return to work (albeit from the comfort of my own home). 

It’s Sunday so it must be time to answer a bunch of silly questions on Sunday Stealing. 

Let’s dive right in shall we?

1. How old is the oldest expired thing in your refrigerator?

I don’t have expired things in my fridge. I am very careful (some may use the word “squeamish”) about food that may or may not have gone off. There is no way that I will allow anything to be used after its “sell by” date. To be honest, I’m a little squeamish about things that have run past their “best before” date too. 

2. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done on a date?

I hate to disappoint you but I don’t do weird things on dates (or at least when I used to date – I haven’t been on a date for about 40 years when I think about it). Actually, something leaps to mind. When I was 18 I had a girlfriend called Christina (Chris for short). My dad was going to take my mum to see a crooner called Frankie Vaughn on a kind of dinner date. For some reason, known only to him, he decided that Chris and I should come too. The only way he managed to persuade me was by promising to pay for our dinner and the tickets. I tried to tell him that I was a young fan of heavy metal and that Frankie Vaughn was so far away from my musical taste that it may as well of been from the Planet Tharg. He even went so far as to go round to Chris’s parents house to ask them if it was alright. So there I was, with Chris and my parents, eating a three course meal and listening to Frankie Vaughn croon away. It was the most bizarre experience I have ever had and I still to this day cannot fathom what was going through my dad’s head when he urged us to go. If you haven’t heard of Frankie Vaughn, here he is in his full glory.

3. What animal most closely resembles your eating style?

It depends how hungry I am and where I am. If I am in a fancy restaurant, I eat delicately like a cat. If I am on my own in front of the TV and am absolutely ravenous I eat like a dog that hasn’t eaten for a week.

4. Have you ever sent someone a text you didn’t mean to?

Not to my knowledge. 

5. If you could learn any language fluently, which would it be?

It would be Spanish. I am currently still trying to teach myself Spanish and am in a position where I can understand basic written text and make simple requests. I really need to pursue it more seriously but at the moment it is quite difficult to find the time.

6. Would you rather be bald or covered head to toe with hair?

I would rather be bald. I despise my hair, as you may know, so to be covered from head to toe in the stuff would be an absolute nightmare. Mrs PM quite likes my beard though and doesn’t want me to shave it off, so I have to keep and maintain that too. It is fine though because it isn’t as crazy as the uncontrollable mop on my head.

7. Do you think you’re brave?

I think I can be. If I saw somebody in trouble I would definitely wade in to help but when it comes to simple things, like removing a big spider from the house or going to the top of a tall building, I am a total coward.

8. What horror fiction character scares you the most?

Demons and anything relating to the Devil. The films that have scared me the most involve demonic possession (the Exorcist for example). I like the tongue-in-cheek versions such as the TV show Lucifer but a full on horror movie about Satan would mess with my head and give me sleepless nights. 

9. What food do you crave more than any other?

Probably cheese. We always have cheese in the house and I love it on snacks such as a Ham and Cheese butty (sandwich to American readers) or cheese on toast. A cheese feast pizza is a joy to behold.

10. Which holiday would you erase from the calendars, if you could?

I wouldn’t because I like holidays. However, there was talk of having a Brexit Day holiday and if that ever happens I would want to erase that, simply because as a nation it is the single most stupid thing we have ever done – and that includes electing Boris the Clown as Prime Minister.

11. What’s the most clever word you know?

When I was studying Chemistry A-level I recall a chemical compound that has an amazing name and for some reason, even 40 years on, I still remember it. The word is “2,4-Dinitrophenylhydrazine” and its chemical formula is C6H3(NO2)2NHNH2. It is an organic chemical, based on a benzine ring, and the naming convention perfectly describes what the molecule looks like. 

As far as the English language is concerned, I know a few clever words but then I suddenly go off them when they are abused by being incorporated into business-speak or simply misused. Words like “procurement”, “paradigm”, “leverage”, “synergy”, “incentivise”, “infrastructure”, “ecosystem”, “ninja”, “consume” and “triage” really wind me up when abused and misused in business speak.

As I work in IT I know quite a few so-called clever words that are used in my field, such as “asynchronous”, “synchronous”, “heterogeneous”, “homogenous”, “hexadecimal”, “algorithm”, “decompression”, “database” for example. 

There are some rarely used words that I genuinely like the sound of, such as “onomatopoeia”, “mellifluous”, “euphoria” and “plethora”. Plenty to choose from there I reckon but I will stick with my chemical compound, “2,4-Dinitrophenylhydrazine”.

12. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I am a hypochondriac (another good word) so I try not to think about it. I’m not particularly scared of dying as long as it is quick. The worst thing would be a long drawn out painful death at the hands of a very nasty virus. You can imagine how I feel about that at the moment.

13. What do you collect that nobody knows about?

I collect music CD’s and I have a collection of football programmes. I don’t go to football matches much these days, preferring to watch them on TV, but if I do go, I will always buy the programme. 

14. Have you ever eaten only candy for dinner?

No because I am not a fan of candy or as I prefer to call it, sweets.

15. Have you ever taken anything illegally across a border?

I’ve not done it on purpose if ever. I have been to countries where you are not allowed to take currency in or out and may have inadvertently had a few coins or notes on my way out.

16. Have you ever blown your nose in anything other than a tissue?

Yes – that’s what handkerchiefs are for.

17. Are you a good time manager?

I’m not too bad these days. I used to be terrible and it was pointed out to me by a former boss as my only real weakness. So I read a book on time management and now I am relatively okay.

18. Has life been hard on you?

Not at all. I’ve had ups and downs but if at the age of 17 you told me that at 57 I would be a reasonably successful member of the IT community with two sons, a woman I love and my own home I would have been happy with that. I’m fine.

19. What is the absolute worst song in the world?

This is one of the worst songs I have ever heard and not just because it is straight out of the terrible Stock, Aitkin and Waterman music factory. It basically slags off all of the music I like in favour of “Jacking” whatever the hell that fad was. In fact, the opposite is true. At the time, this song was in the charts and being played on every radio station, the music I like and liked rarely got airplay. And this is still the case today. What a load of old tosh it really is, the tune and the words. It is a true abomination.

Here it is in all of its ugliness.

I would rather spend three hours listening to Frankie Vaughn that listen to this utter drivel. There are worse songs but this one holds a special place in my hate list. All people responsible for it from the writers to the performers are on the space ship that will contain all of the people I want to banish from Earth. Happy galaxy travels, Reynolds Girls. Thankfully, this is a one hit wonder and no more singles were released by them. 

20. What is your culinary specialty?

I would say that it is some form of pasta. I can knock up a decent pasta dish very quickly and easily.