Friday 13 January 2012

31 Days of Blogging - Day 13

Day 13 –– Spandau Ballet - Instinction

I had a love/hate relationship with Spandau Ballet. I loved Instinction – but hated most of everything else they ever did.

There was one song in particular that I can’t even bring myself to mention – it brings back such painful memories.

Suffice it to say it was about a woman – a woman I was seriously in love with. Sadly those feelings were totally one-sided. I’ve posted about her before so I shall refrain from writing this tortuous episode again.

I did have some fun with women at university. Nevertheless, my inability to read female body language was a major hindrance; if I fancied a woman I was utterly convinced that she fancied me. There were women who actually did like me but like a complete lemon I did not see the signs.

On a few occasions, I found myself at a night club with friends, some female, and when it came to the slow dance, I was more likely than not stuck in the corner watching the smooching couple with envy.

And there were occasions when a female friend would simply grab me by the hand and have a smooch dance – and being the utter blind pillock that I was, I would regard it as a friend simply dancing with me just so that I didn’t feel left out.

One mate used to say to me – “You have a harem; how come you haven’t got a girlfriend yet?”

The problem was that when I danced with these women, I spoke to them like mates and when the dance was over I would walk away, leaving them feeling insulted that I had not responded to their advances. And they would subsequently treat me with contempt (a smile here and there but largely ignoring me because I had mistreated them).

See what I mean? I was a complete idiot.

And this is where I began to have serious doubts about my understanding of the fair sex.

“She bloody fancies you, you total moron. What do you want her to do? Carve it on your forehead?”

“Why can’t women TELL me they fancy me?”

“Because they don’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“They just don’t!”

No wonder I struggled. I was like a blind man walking towards a precipice.

I did have my moments though but usually this involved women I didn’t know and, of course, beer. When I had sobered up, I suddenly became very shy and the embryonic relationship fizzled out before it had even begun.

I was crap with women – I probably still am (don’t answer that, Mrs PM!).

And I haven’t learned my lesson yet – and thank God I no longer have to worry about it; the thought of having to go out and find myself a woman fills me with utter dread. All those memories of failure with a woman I was besotted with; a woman who tore out my heart and chomped it in front of me before casting aside for the vultures to devour; humiliation after humiliation.

Do you know what? I’ve changed my mind. I WILL tell you the name of the song that fills me with dread because of the woman who plucked my heart from my chest and laughed as I crumbled before her.

I feel we have bonded, dear reader, so I shall pour out my heart to you.

The song was “True” by Spandau Ballet – look it up on YouTube because I can’t bear to post even a link to it.

I may even tell you the name of the woman concerned – but you would have to get me very drunk first.

I prefer to remember Instinction.

It’s a pity that I have no instinct myself.


River said...

I remember Spandau Ballet, my eldest had one of their albums, don't ask which one I have no idea.
As for body language, you're not alone Plasman, when it comes to reading body language I may as well be blind. Totally clueless.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

I was blind - and I still am - in more ways than one.




Kath Lockett said...

Hmmm, 'Instinction' is not one of their better ones and yes, I did have the cassette tape (album) that included 'True'.....

As for your agonies, for us women it seemed no easier. We'd spend hours - days - WEEKS - discussing every little nuance with our friends. "He smiled at me, I think, but then he walked off to get a beer, so I'm sure he's got a girlfriend...."

If only BOTH sexes were brave enough to come straight out with it! :)
(Says me, a smug married!)

Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

I'm certain that it was as difficult for women as it was for men - or me at least. Shyness has a lot to do with it (in my case) - and that fear of failure.

And I failed a lot.