Sunday 14 December 2008

Women's Rules For Men

My lack of knowledge and confusion when it comes to the female of the species is a recurrent theme in this blog and I try to make it part of my life to solve the mystery that is womankind. So far I have failed. Not only have I failed, I have failed spectacularly. Not only have I failed spectacularly I have had to endure pain, both physical and mental, as a result.

Perhaps my problems could be solved if there were an evening class to study the female mind. No such luck. The path to understanding females is a rocky one, strewn with traps, pitfalls and dangers. And I am like a short-sighted wanderer, stumbling into every single one of them.

Nevertheless, today I found something that may help me on my quest. I discovered “Rules For Men” but written by a woman. Now I don’t want to be subservient but at least they may give me some idea of how to react under certain situations and maybe a way to win favour.

Here they are – and below are my comments:

The female always makes the rules.

Oh dear! That’s a bad start.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

They’re not making it easy are they guys?

No male can possibly ever know the rules.

Talk about making life difficult. Is there any man on the planet who understands women?

If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

OK, four rules in and I feel like I’m trying to nail jelly to a wall.

The female is never wrong.

So to get a peaceful life I have to reply “You’re right, dear” whenever we have a discussion or argument – is that it?

If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said wrong or did wrong.

Well thanks for clearing that up then. Basically whatever the problem is, it’s my fault.

If the previous rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

I can see “I’m sorry” becoming my most used phrase.

The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

I knew this rule – that’s one of the reasons for my constant confusion.

The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

So much for no subservience …

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

Ah – I can see that I could possibly use this to my advantage. If she’s angry or upset then we may as well do something worthy of that anger. Fancy a pint, lads?

The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

I will calmly sip my beer in the pub as she rants and raves at home. She can ring me up if she wants me to be angry in which case I will do so – after I have finished my pint.

The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

OK – no phone call then.

After reading those rules I am still none the wiser. All I have learned is that if Mrs PM is angry and upset because of something I have or haven’t done then I should pop out to the pub. Whether or not she will be even more angry upon my return I don’t know. Perhaps I could try buying flowers – that hasn’t worked in the past though.

One final thought: I know that I am not alone. I know that there are mates of mine who actually think that they understand women but fall foul of their lack of knowledge on a regular basis. Now that this blog is public I am sure that there will be comments but all I can say is that I have proof of their ignorance, with some failures much more spectacular than others.

As for my quest, I am more confused than ever. But fear not – I am determined to carry on. I will learn and I will post my progress.

I must dash now; Mrs PM wants me to nail some jelly to the wall.


Plastic Mancunian said...

Thanks Sarah

Much appreciated.



Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, I think a lot of women are just as confused by their actions as are men. From personal experience I can say beware the hormones...they have a mind of their own! :o|

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Holly,

That I know - I've had a few brushes with female homones in my life.