The Malignant Narcissist

"Look how GREAT I am!"

It’s that time of the year when I take a close look at the world of celebrity. As a rule, I hate the Cult of Celebrity but I am deeply fascinated by it – mainly because I don’t understand it. However, roughly this time every year, I watch a TV programme that lists the most shocking celebrity moments from the previous year.

I do this for two reasons.

First of all, I love it when certain arseholes make complete fools of themselves in public and show their true colours to the world. I realise this is a bad thing, and I sometimes wish that I were more understanding but ultimately the truth is that most of these villains in the world of celebrity are so self-obsessed that they actually deserve the wrath of their fans for their terrible behaviour.

Second, there are certain celebrities who actually have no talent whatsoever yet are totally obsessed with appearing on every form of media available, from your television set to the tabloid press via social media. I don’t know who half of these people are and frankly I don’t care. However, I like to know who people are talking about when they mention these people – just so that I don’t look like an archaic old git when people ask me about them.

To me, a true celebrity is somebody who is very talented at what they do and humble enough to accept fame and its consequences while at the same time recognising the people who put them on the pedestal in the first place – their fans.

The rest are basically malignant narcissists, i.e. self-obsessed fools who care nothing for their fans and are only interested in one thing – themselves.

The other day, on my daily walk, a song popped up on my iPod that summed up malignant narcissism perfectly. It was Earth Song by Michael Jackson. The truth is that I actually like the song because it is a well written pop tune with a useful message.

However, if you have seen the video then you begin to see where Michael Jackson’s self-obsession is totally evident. He portrays himself as a lone figure walking sadly in a scorched world. It’s difficult to tell whether the emotion in his voice is because of the damage done to Earth or whether he is so sad because he no longer has any fans to love him. As the video progresses you see forests being destroyed, factories spewing out pollution, elephants being killed for ivory, towns and villages being destroyed in war and people crying and falling to their knees in despair.

“Good old Michael,” you say. “The message is strong – he cares for our planet.”

And then the video becomes something else.  As Michael gets upset and starts pouring his heart out, suddenly the world fights back. As he screams and sings in anger in a raging wind, all of the terrible things we have done are reversed; fallen trees suddenly rise up again, soldiers retreat as villages are restored, people shot in war come back to life, factories suck in the polluting smoke, stolen ivory from dead elephants grows back and the elephants are resurrected.

And Michael the Messiah whoops in joy as if he is somehow responsible for this reversal of fortune.

Here is the video if you haven’t seen it.

You may think I’m being harsh on Michael Jackson but my viewpoint was confirmed when he performed the song at the Brit awards in 1996, surrounding himself by adoring children, holding his hand like some kind of saviour as the stage was filled with worshippers, before shedding his black tatty clothes to reveal a sparkling white suit with his arms outstretched and being revered as if he were the reincarnation of Jesus himself.

The incident was famous because Jarvis Cocker the lead singer of Pulp who, alongside a few others, found Jackson’s act distasteful, and decided to invade the stage and show his feelings innocently enough, by bending over and flapping his backside as if he had just farted.

Jackson was hurt because somebody had mocked his brilliance and a lot of people in the UK loved Jarvis Cocker for what he did. Jackson’s reaction was one of pain and he poured his heart out about how humiliated, hurt and upset he was that somebody had dared to intervene in his wonderful performance.

Ultimately Michael Jackson was just one example of malignant narcissism and when you see the antics of some of the other celebrities you can see many more.

So what is a malignant narcissist? Basically it is somebody who is so self-obsessed that they consider themselves to be the centre of the known universe and if anybody disagrees then they will willingly lash out and attempt to destroy them with absolutely no remorse. Even jokes at the expense of a malignant narcissist are taboo.

Prime examples are Mariah Carey, Madonna, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber. There are many more.

 Kanye West for example, thinks nothing of taking attention from a winner at an award ceremony because he disagreed with the result.

Of course the biggest and best example of malignant narcissism in the world at the moment is Donald Trump, a man who is so self-obsessed that he actually lives in a fantasy land about how great he is. Reports suggest that he will dismiss anything that comes across his desk unless it mentions him by name or shows him in a great light. He has invented lies to make everyone believe that “the Donald” is the greatest human being that exists at the moment. 

He dismisses anything that criticises him as fake news, even when his lies are exposed. He attempts to ruin anybody who speaks out against him and constantly lies to make himself appear to be the greatest living human being.

You just have to read his tweets and listen to his spoken words.

Trump will support people until they speak out against him, when he will either sack them or say extremely nasty things to twist the truth of the matter.

Here are some examples:

“Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. I would qualify as not smart, but genius ... and a very stable genius at that!”

“Nobody’s ever been more successful than me.”

“No one reads the Bible more than me.”

“Nobody knows banking better than I do.”

There is so much evidence to prove his words wrong but he simply dismisses it as fake. Anybody who dares to show him in a bad light is savaged. He builds himself up and tears down those who oppose him:

“Meryl Streep [is] one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood." - The fact that Meryl Streep is probably the most successful actress of our generation seems to have escaped him. How many Oscar nominations, Oscars, Golden Globes etc. has she won Donald?

“[He’s a] totally overrated clown who speaks without knowing facts.” - Note - Trump wasn't talking about himself.

“If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?”

“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”

“If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’”

I apologise again for mentioning Donald Trump but in this case, it illustrates the points I am making about malignant narcissism.

Thankfully, the majority of people recognise such people and speak out against them.  As long as there are celebrities, there will be malignant narcissists.

I am so glad that I haven’t met one personally yet.

Brain Massage

When listening to songs, I sometimes come across a phrase or sentence that inspires me to write a stupid blog post.

This is one of them.

I was listening to a song called Disruptr by Devin Townsend and he sings the line:

“I need a brain massage”

This got me thinking.

I visualised a brain massage to be something that Dr Hannibal Lecter might inflict on his patients, but then again, I also considered that it could potentially be some sort of self-help mechanism to combat mental issues with the concept of a brain massage being just a metaphor for giving your mind a tiny bit of tender loving care to get over a negative blip.

I like the idea.

Imagine my surprise when I popped the term “brain massage” to Mr Google and discovered that it is a real term. My search popped up several million results from both scientific sources and other sources implying that brain massage is an actual thing and not just a figment of Devin Townsend’s imagination.

I was quite astounded when I read an article from a science magazine suggesting that it might be possible to improve somebody’s memory by discharging magnetic pulses onto a person’s skull to actually modify the neural activity of the brain.

The word “discharge” doesn’t equate to “massage” to me; it sounds like it might involve pain of some kind – a pain in the brain if you like. Having said that my experience of massages also involves pain.  I’m too much of a coward to actually have a massage myself but I have seen others being almost physically beaten up in the name of relaxation.

How can such activity reduce stress? Surely a person who wants a massage must be absolutely shitting themselves while waiting for a qualified masseur or masseuse to attack them physically.

I know I would be.

As I surmised, one form of brain massage is to try to soothe a troubled mind. One company I read about offers a brain massage in the form of meditation music that claims to completely relieve you of stress within its thirty minute duration. The music contains no words and claims to use Delta and Gamma waves to purify your mind, revive your contentment and wash away stress – pretty similar to a physical massage I guess (but without the pain).

I tried listening to an example of this on YouTube, albeit sitting down in front of my computer screen typing this, rather than lying  down in a darkened room as recommended, and while it sounds very pleasant, it didn’t relax my active brain too much. However, I can see how it could, having tried things like self-hypnosis, which is also sometimes accompanied by similar soft and soothing music.

I am fairly open to such things these days, particularly after the events of last year, so I will probably have a go, purely in the name of research of course, and report back in a later post.

One thing that slightly annoys me about this though is the accompanying bumph that tries to explain what is happening to you when your brain is being massaged in this way. When talk of science is replaced by words like spiritualism, auras and phrases like “connecting you with the Divine” I tend to switch off and ignore such things as pure hocus pocus.

Believe it or not there is a science behind all of this and that’s exactly where my comfort zone is rather than spiritualistic mumbo jumbo. I don’t mean to sound sceptical but when people talk about finding your inner self, I tend to scoff. I’d much rather listen to an explanation involving brain waves than Buddhism. I can relate to such explanations.

I’m sure that the music and beats etc. do work scientifically and I’m happy with that.

One word I spotted whilst reading about this phenomenon was one that I intend to use in casual conversation in 2018. That word is “braingasm”. The more scientific explanation is that a braingasm is an “autonomous sensory median response” or ASMR.

I much prefer "braingasm" – don’t you?

Basically a braingasm is a pleasurable tingling sensation that can be triggered by something relatively simple like having somebody touch your hair or whispering in your ear. In fact, there are videos out there on YouTube where people simply whisper to trigger this response.

It kind of works, I have to say, so there is something in it.

If nothing else, this post has introduced me to the terms “braingasm” and “brain massage” so the whole thing has been worthwhile.

Having thought a bit more about it, I’m not sure what would happen if I were to talk to a complete stranger and say “Have you heard of a braingasm?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN - BRAINGASM?????"

Most women would probably slap me and everybody else would just think I’m a bit weird – and they would be right because deep down I am!

A Musical 2017

I want to say goodbye to 2017 on a positive note and there is nothing more positive than music in my eyes.

So if you will allow me a moment of self-indulgence I would like to share with you the music that crossed my path this year. 2017 was a great year in terms of music that allowed me once again to consolidate my collection with a couple of new artists and a couple of established ones.

First of all, I acquired the latest album by heavy metal superstars Metallica, called Hardwired..To Self-Destruct. As you can imagine, subtlety is a word that struggles to establish itself in any Metallica song and this is something that endears me to them. They may be getting on a bit now but the music is still terrific. Here is Now That We’re Dead:

Riverside, a magnificent Polish progressive rock band, released an album that is really a tribute to their guitarist, who sadly died in 2016. The album, Eye of the Soundscape, features experimental material that was released over the past few years as bonus tracks on other albums and is like nothing they have done before; it is mellow and atmospheric, and totally instrumental. The good news is that the band will carry on, which is great for me because at the moment they are one of my favourite bands. Here is Machines:

Also, in 2017, I enhanced my collection of Devin Townsend albums adding four of them, all of which are completely different. Ghost is an ambient album featuring flutes and laid back songs that you can listen to with scented candles in a dimly lit room. Ki is more subdued but with hints of Devin’s metal mayhem. Epicloud is a fantastic album featuring a mixture of ambience, pop, rock and heavy metal but the craziest album is Deconstruction, which is 75 minutes of pure heavy metal mayhem that grabs you by the throat and screams at you. Here are two songs, one from Ghost and one from Deconstruction. Do you think it is the same artist? Believe me it is. First here is the title is a song called Texada from Ghost:

Now we have Juular from Deconstruction. The song is as crazy as the video.

And with the promise of four albums in 2018, I am looking forward to next year.

Veteran rockers, Deep Purple also released an album in 2017. The album may prove to be their last but it proves that they still have something. Here is Time for Bedlam:

Gary Numan is also still going strong. He was very prominent in the 1980’s when I was into electronic music and his new album, Savage: Songs From a Broken World, reminds me of that time, albeit with a much darker sound. Here is My Name is Ruin:

Supergroup Black Country Communion reformed for a new album, featuring Glenn Hughes, Joe Bonamassa, Derek Sherinian and Jason Bonham. The album, BCCIV, is an excellent collection of hard rock and blues rock songs. Here is The Last Song From My Resting Place – a truly beautiful piece of music:

Foo Fighters also returned this year with a new album Concrete and Gold.  And they didn’t let me down with some great songs, my favourite being Run with its highly amusing video:

You may not have heard of Neal Morse, but he is a progressive rock legend who was a founding member of a band called Spock’s Beard. Now he has a band called, unimaginatively, The Neal Morse Band that grabbed my attention because it features Mike Portnoy, the ex-drummer of Dream Theater. I decided to listen to an album they released a year or two ago, called Similitude of a Dream, which is a concept album based on The Pilgrim’s Progress. Neal Morse is a born again Christian and the album very much embraces this but that doesn’t detract me from enjoying what is a superb progressive rock masterpiece that I am proud to have in my collection. Here is Man in the Iron Cage:

I plan to investigate Neal Morse and Spock’s Beard next year.

Steven Wilson also released a new album this year and to me that is a major event. To the Bone marked a more pop oriented direction and he actually made a dent in the charts, forcing an appearance on BBC news as “the most famous British artist you have never heard of”. I hope this is the beginning of the recognition he deserves. The album itself is not as good as the previous masterpiece but still has amazing songs, my favourite of which is Detonation, a song about terrorism:

And finally – do you remember this pop song from the early 1980s?



The bass player in the band, Nick Beggs, has been playing with Steven Wilson for the past couple of years but has also branched out to form his own band called The Mute Gods. I picked up their second album called Tardigrades Will Inherit The Earth. I was amazed at how good it is – and it is a far cry from his Kajagoogoo days. Here is the title track:

And if you are wondering, Tardigrades are microscopic animals that are, apparently, indestructible, able to survive radiation, extreme cold and heat and have even survived in low earth orbit, subjected to the extremes of space. It stands to reason they will be around after we have destroyed ourselves and the planet. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen for a while.

I am truly looking forward to a musical 2018.

Happy New Year to each and every reader

Goodbye 2017

I wasn’t going to bother with my traditional summary of the year this year because, frankly, 2017 has been a stinker of a year, much worse than the previous year, which was bad enough.

However, despite the pain, there have been some highlights and it would be unfair to confine these to the skip. So shall we explore the mound of crap that was 2017?

Let’s do it!

1.What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

I reached the age where I can get my hands on my pension pot, should I be stupid enough to do so. I’m not ready to do that just yet.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I started off with a quest to be more positive and to be fair, it worked until March. I also enhanced my French a little and revisited German, a language that is fascinating but very difficult to learn.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year,

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes – but I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

5. What countries did you visit?

This year we had a massive family holiday to Corfu and also visited Majorca for a well needed week break in September. A bunch of us also revisited Amsterdam to celebrate a friend’s 60th birthday.

A flight arriving at sunset in Can Pastilla Majorca

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

No pain!

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Thinking positively, the week’s holiday in June – before the year turned to shit.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Nothing leaps to mind.

9. What was your biggest failure?

To remain positive all year. Fate is like that sometimes.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

That has to be my new Samsung Galaxy 8 phone, by a country mile. My poor old decrepit S4 mini survived for as long as it could before the weight of my expectation pushed it beyond its limits. My new phone is absolutely amazing.

What a beauty!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Nobody famous has done anything to deserve a PM award this year. However, I would like to single out Mrs PM who has been my rock during a time of hardship.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Donald J Trump – the biggest dickhead ever to be elected into the White House. I could spend a year ranting about this waste of humanity every day for the next five years.

Also, Harvey Weinstein and all similar horrific sexual predators deserve to be inaugurated into the hall of absolute shame.

Theresa May (and her government), Nigel Farage and Piers Morgan also deserve the title “Dick of the Year” too.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Same as usual – my house and holidays.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Nothing really. As far as excitement goes, this was a rather mundane year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2017?

I will sum up the music I discovered in a subsequent post but this song deserves a special mention:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

I am sadder (but improving), definitely fatter (but determined to go on a diet in January) and possibly a little richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

After a great start to the year in terms of blogging, I have definitely neglected it in recent months. I was thinking about giving up the blog altogether but I think I have decided to carry on for a while.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Again, I’ve had another angry year where the antics of politicians have made me fume. I wish I had stepped back from the precipice and ignored them more.

20. How will you spend New Year's Eve?

I’m not sure yet, but suffice it say, that Mrs PM and I will be somewhere that serves alcohol and has a dance floor playing cheesy music.

21. Did you fall in love in 2017?

No need. Mrs PM is still here with me.

22. What was your favourite TV program?

I have to say that the best new program I saw was Daredevil. Sorry – it is yet another Super hero series.

I also enjoyed Peter Capaldi’s last season as Dr Who.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Well we all know who I disliked last year and I still dislike them now. Add Kim Jong Un to that list.

24. What was the best book you read?

I thoroughly enjoyed the Atlantis trilogy by AG Riddle.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

A lot of established bands have been brilliant this year but I particularly enjoyed a relatively new Progressive rock band called the Mute Gods. More details in a later post.

26. What did you want and get?

My new phone.

27. What did you want and not get?

Common sense to prevail and for the government to admit that Brexit is such a huge mistake.

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

Two superhero movies (sorry):

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Mrs PM took me for a weekend away in Warwick. Photos of this wonderful little city and its amazing castle will follow in a future post. I was (and am) 55 years old.

30. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Bugger all.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Fashion? You’re funny. I’m 55 – what do I care about fashion (other than to mock the absurdity of it).

32. What kept you sane?

That honour goes to Mrs PM.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Having watched Wonder Woman, I have to say Gal Gadot is worthy of admiration.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The inexorable slide towards economic disaster that is Brexit and the constant barrage of insanity that is happening in the USA under Donald Trump.

35. Who did you miss?

I’m not ready to talk about that yet.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I met a few good people this year, so there were a few shining lights in the hellscape that was 2017.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

I’m stronger than I thought I was.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to 

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it? 

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to 

It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it?

And finally

Let’s hope 2018 is a better year. I know I said that this time last year, but I’m trying to be positive. I’ll start off by saying that I am planning to revamp The Plastic Mancunian blog sometime next year. 2018 sees the 10th anniversary of the nonsense I have been writing and the next month or two will hopefully see something different.

Of course, procrastination may kick in – but I hope not.

See you soon for a summary of the great music that crossed my path in 2017.

Top Ten Pink Floyd Songs

It’s been a while since I’ve written a Top Ten post so, for a laugh, and just in time for Christmas, I thought I would share my 10 favourite Pink Floyd songs. After the year I have had I feel the need to do something I enjoy and, though Pink Floyd don’t have anything directly to do with Father Christmas it makes me smile anyway. So here goes:

10. Don’t Leave Me Now (from The Wall)

I’ll start with a very depressing song about the pain of a relationship break up. If you haven’t heard it before, make sure that you’re in a happy mood before hitting the play button. Despite the obvious melancholy, this really is an enjoyable song, particularly when the guitar kicks in at around the 3 minute mark. And you can really feel the mental anguish of the singer as he pours out his pain. It’s depressing but it pushes a weird button in my head whenever I hear it. And yes, I have plenty of weird buttons.

9. Us and Them (from the Dark Side of the Moon)

Talking of weird buttons, this particular song pushes another. I’m not a huge fan of saxophone solos but sometimes they can add a wonderful moment to a song and such is the case with Us and Them. The song just wouldn’t be the same without it.

8. The Great Gig in the Sky (from The Dark Side of the Moon)



There are many amazing things about The Great Gig In The Sky. The opening piano is so atmospheric that I can imagine drifting along on the wind in the sky approaching a sunset. Even better is the amazing vocalist who uses her voice as a musical instrument. It’s one of those rare songs that is so full of emotion that there have been occasions when a tear pops out of my eye.

7. Sorrow (from A Momentary Lapse of Reason)

This is the only song in my top ten not to feature Roger Waters. I think Pink Floyd lost something after he left the band but, having said that, Sorrow is still a great song with a definite epic vibe to it. I particularly like Dave Gilmour’s excellent guitar playing. I hope you agree.

6. Run Like Hell (from The Wall)

Run Like Hell has a very distinctive guitar sound that makes it obvious from the first notes that this is Pink Floyd. It’s not dissimilar in texture to their most famous hit from The Wall, Another Brick in the Wall (Part Two). However, the upbeat nature of the song gives it the edge, for me, over it’s more famous counterpart.

5. Time (from The Dark Side of the Moon)

I can really relate to this song because ultimately it is about wasting time and not realising that time is running out for all of us and it contains some of my favourite lyrics in a Pink Floyd song, lyrics that epitomise my struggle with procrastination:

And then you find, ten years have got behind you. 

No one told you when you run; you missed the starting gun.

The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 

The time is gone, the song is over; thought I’d something more to say

4. One of These Days (from Meddle)

What makes this song great is the bass line that dominates the song almost from the very beginning. I remember when I first heard this song and I remarked that it was a Pink Floyd song you could actually dance to. I proved this one time at a student house party way back in the 80s when the host popped on a mix tape and, fuelled with a fair amount of red wine, I managed to find a space amongst the crowd where I could strut my funky stuff. At least a couple of people agreed with me and joined me in making a complete arse of myself. Happy days.

3. Money (from The Dark Side of the Moon)

Money is a song about greed and is yet another song featuring a decent saxophone solo that enhances its appeal, but that isn’t the best part. I love the key change and the amazing Dave Gilmour guitar solo in the middle of the song.

2. Comfortably Numb (from The Wall)

This song almost made it to number one. In my opinion it is the pivotal track on the Wall. Again it features an amazing guitar solo by Dave Gilmour. A word of warning – Scissor Sisters covered this song and utterly destroyed it. Mrs PM loves their version of the song even though I reiterate time and again that it is an abomination spawned in Hell itself. Don’t ever listen to it. It’s absolutely dreadful.

1. Sheep (from Animals)

It’s quite amazing that any band could write a ten minute song about sheep but that’s exactly what Pink Floyd did. Worse, it’s not really about chewing grass in a field – it’s much more disturbing than that – and I love that. Even better, the song is just amazing with one of my all time favourite guitar pieces at the very end of the song.

And Finally

That’s all folks.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and I hope Father Christmas brings you everything you want.

Pseudo-Intellectual Business

I’ve just discovered a link between two things I love to rant about. Actually I’m kicking myself for not spotting it before. The more I think about it, the more obvious it is.

The link I have made is this: People who use Business Bullshit are in fact a breed of pseudo-intellectual.

Regular readers will know that I love to bait pseudo-intellectuals and expose them for what they are – bullshit merchants who know several big words and like to quote philosophy in order to make themselves  appear better than everybody else. The truth is, of course, that they blind people with their vocabulary because ultimately they don’t actually say anything that makes any sense.

My favourite pseudo-intellectuals are people who stand in front of vomit stains in contemporary art museums and try to impress upon anybody who is willing to lend an ear that the piece of shit in front of them is something more than the shallow mess it actually is.

Another breed is the hipster who dresses like a nerd just to be different and “writes random poetry to express himself”, poetry that is truly awful and meaningless, I hasten to add.

It’s no real leap of logic to discover that a new breed of pseudo-intellectual lives in the upper echelons of high management and bombards his staff with weird business argon that nobody understands, and that his peers pretend to understand.

I am disappointed with myself because this type of pseudo-intellectual has been with me my entire working life. I have found myself in meetings with people from various companies, all trying to impress upon everybody else how important and intelligent they are,  while speaking utter jibberish to bamboozle us all.

In their eyes, their peers are thinking “Wow! This guy really knows what he is talking about. We must do business with him.”

The truth is rather sad. People actually think “What in the name of all that is Holy is this ballbag talking about? It makes no bloody sense.”

Such verbal diarrhoea is responsible for many a rant from yours truly but, more importantly, inspired Scott Adams, then a disgruntled employee, to create the now massively famous Dilbert cartoon series.

At this point, I have to add that some of my work colleagues have said in the past that I bear a striking resemblance to Dilbert – judge for yourself.

Dilbert

Plastic Mancunian

I have never met Scott Adams so their theory is nonsense.

Anyway, here are a couple of typical Dilbert cartoons that illustrate the point.

The idea of setting up a buzzword bingo card has appealed to me for years but the problem is that business bullshit is an evolving beast with new terms popping out of the bull with alarming frequency.  This means that lowly employees like me would have to keep on top of these new terms and this is a full time job that I don’t have time to pursue.

Here are a few new ones:

“I want to jump on your radar!”

“Thought leaders”

“Idea sherpa”

“Punch a puppy”

“Thought shower”

These are terms that make me want to cringe with embarrassment.

Many years ago, there was a comedy show called Drop the Dead Donkey in the UK that had a character called Gus Hedges who basically used bullshit to communicate with his staff. Some of the terms he used were laughable – and now over 20 years later, the terms he used actually sound more believable.

Here are some of his best lines:

“We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload, Joy. Am I making myself clear?”

“There is just something I'd like to pop into your percolator, see if it comes out brown.”

“I'm setting you free. Free to roam the high seas of enterprise as the buccaneers of our broadcasting future.”

“I'm in major cellular rejuvenation mode, fast-tracking my way to eternal biological viability.”

“I think we have a slight togetherness shortfall here.”

“You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature regarding the gooiness factor on the physical front.”

“Jill, could you come for a brief scuba in my think tank?”

“We're merely running our bulletins through the cappuccino machine of innovation, see if it comes out frothy.”

“Just a thought I wanted to pop into your fishbowl to see if it blows bubbles.”

“Problems are just the pregnant mothers of solutions.”

The good thing about Gus Hedges is that he is totally fictional. Sadly, there thousands upon  thousands of pseudo-intellectual managers who seem to have adopted him as a role model. Some pseudo–intellectuals like to quote philosophers; other like to quote Gus Hedges.

To conclude, I found a business bullshit generator that may act as inspiration for any pseudo-intellectuals desperate to climb the corporate ladder with no talent other than their use of meaningless vocabulary.

Here’s a couple I generated:

Synergistically streamline enterprise-wide collaboration and idea-sharing

Compellingly envisioneer standardized "outside the box" thinking

Uniquely reinvent sticky vortals

Have a go yourself – follow this link.

Look What I Found In My Head

Every day at work, I leave my desk at lunchtime, armed with my smartphone and my iPod and set off on a circular walk of just over two miles. My aim is fourfold:

(1) Get a little exercise.

(2) Escape the confines of the office.

(3) Enjoy some music.

(4) Clear my head.

I want to focus on item (4).

As I stroll around the streets, my mind wanders, replacing the inevitable stress and tedium of office work with a journey through my own imagination, accompanied by a musical soundtrack of songs that I love.

And that journey is usually quite fruitful.

The experience feels like I am in a room with thousands of doors. The journey begins when I open one of the doors and go through. The choice of door depends on my mood, the music I am listening to, the day I have had so far and random thoughts that have popped into my head based on conversations, news – anything really.

Ultimately I hope to find something interesting – like this idea for a blog post for example.

I am fascinated by the train of thought that eventually leads to the gems I find inside my own head. Sometimes they are good things but occasionally they are not do good. For example, if I am in a bad mood, or a little depressed about something, I find that sometimes it is difficult to drag myself from a negative path. In that respect I understand how depressed people think – I know this first hand because Mrs PM is prone to depression and in these situations it is difficult if not impossible to escape the irrational downward spiral that follows.

Happily, I have experience of seeing this is other people and can assist, if only to be the person who comforts them or to be a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. Of course, it is not as simple as that and, thankfully, Mrs PM is in control of it.

I don’t suffer from depression myself but if a negative thought threatens to enter my head and cause a negative cycle, I switch my mind to something that will distract it – like changing the song on my iPod of taking a moment to look around as I walk. This helps usually; rather like leaving the bad door alone and finding another more interesting one to go through. It doesn’t always work – and I have struggled sometimes in 2017 to be fair – but things are improving.

Sometimes, exploring my imagination can cause embarrassment. Here are a couple of examples.

Picture the scene. I am walking along oblivious to my surroundings and listening to a fantastic and happy song - a song such as this:

I find myself walking in step to the beat and imagine myself as the artist. The problem is that my step becomes jaunty and bouncy and on a couple of occasion I have actually started mouthing the words. If I have my headphones in, I can’t actually tell whether I am actually singing – I might be. In which case, it’s no surprise that I have acquired a few strange looks by people queuing up at a bus stop I have walked past.

On other occasions, a song has reminded me of a funny incident in the past caused an involuntary guffaw that is difficult to control and fuels yet more laughter, making me look like some kind of idiot marching along the streets.

Also, if I see somebody I know as I walk, I try to be polite and greet them as we pass. However, because of my headphones, it is more difficult to judge volume.

“Hi Dave,” they will say as we approach!

“HI ANDY,” I bellow at the top of my voice, in an attempt to drown out both the heavy metal song in my ears and the noise of cars, lorries and buses roaring past on the main road.

When I get back to work, I face the inevitable consequences.

“Why were you yelling at me in the street, Dave?”

Thankfully, this doesn’t happen very often and my walks are uneventful to watch.  The good news for me is that I have around 10,000 novel ideas as a result of my lunchtime walks. The bad news is that when I get back to work, I never write them down because the moment I sit back down at my desk, the shit hits the fan and I am plunged back into the abyss of the rat race before I have the time to write down a paragraph about invisible mutant aliens turning people into slaves.

However, I am certainly more relaxed and, for an hour or so at least, I find myself going about the daily grind with a smile on my face and a more relaxed approach to work.

I recommend you try it, dear reader. Once a day, grab hold of your own musical device and walk around the streets of your town or city for half an hour or so. Take off the chains of your imagination, walk through an interesting door and see where it leads you.

In almost all cases you will be amazed.

And for any Mancunians out there, if you see a greying blond nutcase singing or laughing as he walks – it might just be me.

Feel free to say “Hi Dave!” – I will try not to yell back at you.