300 Posts, 3 Years and 7 Deadly Sins

This blog has reached two milestones.

Firstly, in March, it was the 3rd anniversary of the creation of the Plastic Mancunian – a series of posts about gibberish.

Secondly, this is the 300th such post.

That’s an average of just about 100 posts of poppycock per year or around eight a month.

Scary isn’t it?

It’s hard to believe that I have managed to maintain this momentum, to be honest.

To celebrate (or commiserate from your perspective, dear reader) I thought I would attempt a meme, revisiting the seven deadly sins because it highlights some of the subjects I have been babbling about for the last three years.

I briefly contemplated them before (you can read about my wild musings) but this meme is a little different. And of course I have stolen it, adding to my reputation as a cyberthief.

Do I care? Not one jot! Here goes.

(1) Pride – Seven great things about yourself

My bum. From a female perspective, apparently I have a wonderful bum. I have never quite worked out why women are so drawn to men’s arses but that’s hardly surprising since I don’t understand women at all. I have been told on quite a few occasions that my bum is my best feature.

My eyes. I have wonderful blue eyes. If you can stomach looking at my face for long enough to scrutinise my eyes, apparently you will see a couple of sexy blue orbs that are quite attractive. A word of warning – please focus on the eyes. If you drift towards the rest of my face you might just cough up a little vomit.

Intelligence. I have an honours degree and my job is to make sense of technology and the hardware that accommodates it. My head is also stuffed full of useless trivia that only becomes useful during quizzes.

Happiness. I may come across as a grumpy old git but I rant with a smile on my face and have the desire to grab a hold of life and ride along shouting “YEEHAHHH!!!!”

My love of kids. It’s a shame that my own two lads have almost grown up. I am childish by nature and therefore find it easy to cast away adult seriousness and play with kids of all ages (resulting usually in kids telling me off for being TOO childish).

Mr Nice Guy. There’s a saying that nice guys finish last. I hate offending people, hurting people’s feelings, abusing trust or just being nasty to people. Maybe that’s why I hate my job so much.

Self-deprecation. I don’t take myself seriously. Why would anybody do that? Nobody is perfect and I enjoy telling people just how imperfect I am (mainly on this blog).

(2) Envy – Seven things you lack and covet

Great hair. I absolutely hate the sentient mop of wiry fluff that resides on my head. I have been at war with it ever since I can remember – and the hair is winning.

Money. I am comfortable but still dependent on a salary. In the next six years I have to help my two lads to find their way through university with soaring fees, soaring cost of living and soaring accommodation costs. My house is getting there but Mrs PM’s plans have turned it into a money pit. It is like a monster gobbling up all of my spare cash. And I love to travel but cannot always find the cash to do so. I really need that winning lottery ticket.

Perfect vision. I am both short sighted and long sighted and have to wear glasses to do just about everything.

Freedom. I am chained to the man (that corporate arse) who dictates the direction of my life; the man who tells me how to live, what to do and how to breathe. I hate the man and I want to destroy the chains that bind.

Youthful body. I look young for my age but now my body is beginning to show the signs of age that irritate me; aches, pains, flab, droops, slightly greying hair. I need to deflate my body and invigorate it with the energy of my youth.

Guitar virtuosity. I love rock music and the ability to play a guitar like any of my axe wielding heroes would be magnificent.

A good singing voice. Wouldn’t it be great to pick up my guitar with my new found skills and then be able to sing with a voice that didn’t render cats unconscious?

(3) Wrath – Seven things that piss you off.

What? Only seven?????

Pointless celebrities. Celebrities who have absolutely no talent whatsoever and have an army of morons hooked on their every move. The news is full of these people whose shallow idiotic lives are played out in front of us like a real life soap opera. There are magazines dedicated to their pointless existence. Why are they famous? WHY????

Politicians. Most politicians are hypocritical liars and I hate hypocrisy and lies.

The state of modern music. I plan to write a separate blog post about this so I will elaborate in due course.

People who hurt others and enjoy it. There is so much violence and anti-social behaviour in the world that it seems to be the norm these days.

January and February. These two months are the worst months of the year. Christmas has gone and in the UK we languish in the depths of the winter blues with freezing cold and dreadful weather and daylight that lasts only a few hours. They are depressing and awful.

Pomposity. There are people in the world whose arrogance is breath-taking. I loathe violence but when confronted by such a self-important dickhead all I want to do is punch him in the face. And I hate myself for that.

Television programmes for morons. There is so much shit on the TV at the moment that if I catch some of it by accident I find my IQ dropping every second. Who watches this crap?

(4) Sloth – Seven things you neglect to do.

Write a book. I am still battling with this – and losing sadly.

Learn French. I want to find time to learn French with a view to possibly spending more time there in later years. My job and procrastination combine to steer me away from it.

Jobs around the house. I hate DIY and I hate housework and I fight a constant battle with Mrs PM who tries to shame me into doing things to her schedule rather than mine.

Cycle to work. I am really going to try to push myself to do this next week – or perhaps the week after.

Sort out my junk. I am a bit of a hoarder by nature and tend to keep stuff rather than throw it away. Mrs PM is always nagging me to get rid of my junk. Sadly, her definition of junk differs from mine. For example she regards CD’s as junk. How dare she!

Cook. I hate cooking and I’ve somehow drifted into a rota with Mrs PM. I am always trying to avoid cooking (apart from when she’s not around – in which case I am deeply tempted to go to the chippy).

Ironing. Mrs PM hates ironing. She refuses to iron my clothes. I hate ironing. I refuse to iron Mrs PM's clothes. The result? A bedroom full of unironed clothes that only gets dealt with when it is physically impossible to get into the room.

(5) Greed. Seven worldly material desires.

A super car. I’m not a car person but I would LOVE to have a monster super car that made so much noise it woke the dead and then scared them back to death. One day I will drive like a lunatic around a disused airfield in a £500,000 rocket propelled super car. One day …

Gadgets. I love gadgets – even pointless ones. I would love to own every single gadget around at the moment, whether it is useless of not. It would keep me quiet for months.

First class travel. I want to travel the world in first class with my own private masseuse and champagne on tap. And when I get to my destination …

First class accommodation. I want to stay in the most expensive suites in the most expensive hotels – like the Peninsular in Hong Kong where for a few thousand a night you have your own butler.

Deluxe homes. Hotel accommodation can become tedious, even in the best suites, so I would like to own my own luxury house complete with pool and staff next to the beach in all the best places.

A football club. I am sick of Walsall being shit. I want to buy the club and inject obscene amounts of cash to buy the world’s greatest players and win absolutely everything.

Money. In order to get the above material delights I would of course require lots of cash – an endless supply of cash.

(6) Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.

Beer. I keep hearing bad things about beer and being a hypochondriac I struggle not to believe every word I am told. But then I sip that first pint after work on a Friday night and my worries are cast to the four winds.

Cheese. I am a slave to cheese. I absolutely love it (apart from Stilton and related rancid cheeses).

Bacon. Nothing beats the smell of bacon.

Steak. In South Africa I had a wonderful juicy medium rare T-Bone steak that was inches thick and the size of Johannesburg. I didn’t eat for days afterwards. But it was worth it.

Pork chops. Like Homer Simpson I love pork – to be honest its pork of any kind.

Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. I have been known to eat a whole tube of these in my stupid youth and I really suffered with bad indigestion. Still, it was worth it.

Fish and chips and mushy peas. Occasionally I wander down to my local chippy and order a large portion of fish and chips smothered with mushy peas and then devour them at home. Bliss.

(7) Lust. Seven love secrets.

This is easy – Mrs PM is the only one - and that's not exactly a secret. However, if we are talking pure lust then Mrs PM knows exactly what kind of woman makes my pupils dilate and turns me into a mutant dribbling puppy. But it is only lust – a pure and primeval desire that is never more than that.

And finally…

Please excuse the long post (I know I tend to go on a bit sometimes) but thanks for reading, even if you stumbled across this drivel for the first time.

The Plastic Mancunian will be back - sorry about that...

The Sinner

I am not looking forward to dying.

Apart from the obvious pain involved I think that I might just be in a bit of trouble when I finally meet my maker. Why? Because I have sinned.

Those of you who are atheists will almost certainly say:

“You are a stupid idiot. When you die, you cease to be. Remember that time before you were born? You can’t can you. Why? I’ll tell you why. You simply didn’t exist. And that is exactly what will happen when you shuffle off this mortal coil. You will cease to exist. Sinning is irrelevant.”

Those of you who are religious in any way will probably say:

“Why? What have you done? Surely it can’t be that bad. God will forgive you.”

I am a Roman Catholic. When I say “am” I really mean “was baptised”. I stopped going to Mass when I was sixteen and have only popped back for weddings and funerals.

I think the reason I did so was because I found it all terribly boring. When I used to go to church, the main High Mass on Sunday was at 11 o’clock and sometimes in Latin. I studied Latin at school but to sit there for an hour and a half listening to “Credo in unum Deum, patrem omnipotentem …” sung out of tune by an old priest who was out of touch with my youthful exuberance was just too much.

I almost fell out with my mother because of my rebelliousness.

Roman Catholics will probably tell me that I should renew my faith and go back to church to have my sins forgiven. I can imagine sitting there in confession:

“Bless me father for I have sinned. It is 32 years since my last confession. I hope you have a month or three to spare because boy have I got some stories to tell you.”

I can honestly say that I won’t do that. If Catholics are to be believed then I when I die I will face my maker who will sentence me to a stint in Purgatory where I will be cleansed of my sins with pain and fire.

In fact, as my soul is being cleansed in the punishment camps of Purgatory, somebody will probably read this blog post to me and tell me that I have sinned simply by writing it. The fact that I haven’t attended Mass for so long and have actually mocked my religion and made fun of priests will undoubtedly lead to a lengthier sentence.

But have I really sinned?

Let’s take a look at the seven deadly sins and see how I have fared.

PRIDE

What is pride?

Pride is extreme self believe or vanity or self obsession. From a religious perspective, pride is really focussing on yourself rather than God. Purists will suggest for example that if you pursue knowledge for the benefit of God or others then you are doing fine. However, if you learn for your own benefit only, to basically say that you are better than others then I’m afraid you are on the slippery slope to committing this deadly sin.

The sin of pride is a particular grey area for me and I personally believe that deep down every single person is guilty of it – myself included. I write this blog for example so that people can read it and be entertained or learn something. However, I also write it for myself because I want to practice my writing techniques so that, in an ideal world, I will write a book and obtain steaming great piles of cash and fame from being a successful writer. God doesn’t come into it. That’s why I am committing the sin of pride.

VERDICT: I’m stuffed on this one.

ENVY

What is envy?

Envy is the dislike of somebody who has something you don’t have, for example a possession or a job. If a mate of mine were to win the lottery I would be happy for him but, for a moment at least, I would hate him for it. Why? Because he would be free and be able to cast aside the chains that bind him to the interminable rat race that I am so desperate to escape from myself.

And I cannot believe that there are people out there in the world who do not commit the sin of envy. I frequently hear people say “I envy you” but the fact that they come clean and say it to make the other person feel better doesn’t detract for a second from the fact that their opinion of that person plummets even if it is only for a second.

I envy people and I admit it. I don’t hate them permanently but I am jealous. I am jealous of successful authors. I am jealous of people who can afford the Ferrari that (once again) Father Christmas failed to bring me on his overloaded sleigh.

VERDICT: I’m screwed on this one.

GLUTTONY

What is gluttony?

Gluttony is the need to consume excessively. This post has come so close to Christmas that I am still smarting from the vast quantities of food that I have forced myself to eat. On Christmas Day I ate a dinner that was so huge there was snow on the peaks. I followed this up with mince pie and then chocolates. At the end of the day I was laid on the settee and couldn’t see my feet over my huge wobbling belly.

Next day I was relieved to see that my belly had shrunk somewhat but then it all started again when we travelled to Blackpool to visit Mrs PM’s dad.

Why did I eat so much? Because everybody else did. I am not the only one. Thankfully I am really quite slim which I could say is evidence that I have not committed the sin of gluttony. It is, however, poor evidence, because I know that I have been a greedy pig and will be again – and I’m not just talking about Christmas.

VERDICT: Dear oh dear! I think the jury will scream “Guilty, your honour” for that one.

LUST

What is lust?

Lust is the excessive desire for pleasures of the flesh.

This particular sin is just plain ridiculous. Since the age of around thirteen my body has been betraying me in this particular area and I simply couldn’t help it – I still can’t. I craved sex from that age. I am a man and testosterone floods through my body creating a chemical reaction that has visible side effects. It is only will power and self control that stops me and just about every male from wanting their wicked way with attractive women. Men are driven by lust. There is no use denying it. Women too can be driven by lust (or so I’ve been told).

Maybe the key word here is “excessive”.

One thing makes me laugh. When people get checked into clinics for “sex addiction” I think to myself “Crikey! I must be a sex addict too.” If the sex police had injected me with a truth serum when I was eighteen years old and asked me “What do you desire more than anything in the world?” I would have blurted out “SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX!”. They would have carted me off to the clinic to cure me of sex addiction alongside every single other eighteen year old man as well.

VERDICT: They are building the gallows for me now.

WRATH

What is wrath?

Wrath or anger is a negative and potentially destructive emotion that inflicts every single human being on the planet – and most other creatures too.

There are quite a few things that make me angry. I am fairly laid back and on the rare occasions that anger overwhelms me, I try to control myself, mainly because I hate the consequences. That doesn’t mean that I will pick up the nearest blunt object and bludgeon the target of my wrath to within an inch of their lives. What I hate about anger are the arguments and the perpetuation of arguments.

When I am genuinely angry I tend to explode like a mini nuclear bomb and then get the hell out of there. Rather than letting anger take control of my body I allow a certain amount to erupt against the source of the anger (usually a tirade of abuse) and then I walk away and allow the rest to dissipate. In fact, I find that writing provides a great outlet. If I convert my wrath into vitriolic words, the anger flows out, enabling me to read about and process the source.

Others use different ways to get rid of their anger, some acceptable others totally unacceptable.

Every human being is different but the key thing here is that every human being gets angry and those that say they do not are liars.

VERDICT: I would be in the Tower of London now if Henry VIII was my judge.

GREED

What is greed?

Whereas gluttony is the desire to stuff huge quantities of food down your gullet, greed is the desire for material possessions. From a religious perspective the added caveat is that it is material gain for yourself while ignoring God and the spiritual realm.

We all want bigger and better things for ourselves. A lot of the time we want a bigger house, a bigger car, more money, a yacht and many other things that make our lives just that little bit easier. I have said, many times, that I want to win the lottery so that I can escape the rat race and live my dreams. I want to travel the world and write books about my exploits. Is that greed?

This is another sin that I think is a little nebulous. We all want material possessions – even priests.

VERDICT: The axe man draweth near.

SLOTH

What is sloth?

Sloth is the evasion of physical work. Moreover, from a religious perspective, it is the avoidance of spiritual work.

I am lazy by nature but I have a job which demands a lot of my time. When asked to do extra work I am usually willing to do so (to a limit) and have been praised for it.

Yet when it comes to chores around the house I am truly lazy. The only reason I do stuff is because the alternative is less desirable – an argument with Mrs PM.

VERDICT: I think the jury might be struggling with this one unless they look at spiritual sloth, in which case I am as guilty as a cat whose mouth and whiskers are covered in cream.

Well, dear reader, it looks as if I am going to be sentenced to a little fire and brimstone when my time on this little blue planet is over. A stint in Purgatory seems inevitable. I won’t really be able to argue because there are too many examples from my life to let me off the hook.

The good news is that I think I will be in good company because I reckon that most if not all of the human race will be by my side as I am purged of my sins.

My only hope is that people like Jeremy Kyle or Piers Morgan are next to me so that I can see the smug grins wiped off their faces as we all suffer.