An American Holiday

 

Welcome to a cloudy but mild and dry South Manchester on day 123 since Covid-19 restrictions were lifted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

This week my friends from across the pond are celebrating Thanksgiving, an annual holiday where families get together and eat lots of turkey. 

We don’t celebrate it here but we know all about it because we see it in a plethora of American TV shows.

And today’s Sunday Stealing questions are all about Thanksgiving, which is a strange thing for me as a British citizen to deal with. But, in the spirit of harmony, and because I like America and Canada, I shall partake. I have always had a great time when I have stepped over the big pond and I have yet to meet an American or Canadian that I haven’t enjoyed the company of. 

From the person in Florida who asked me “Why do all British singers sing in an American accent?” to the woman in Cleveland who asked me “Wow! You’re from England – have you ever met the Queen?” I have enjoyed discussing our cultural (but similar) differences. From explaining the rules of cricket to trying to explain why Monty Python is so funny, I have always had fun with our somewhat surreal conversations.

Before I dive in, I shall just say this: I hope you enjoy your holidays, guys and rest easy, knowing that I will be hard at work trying to tame wild computers in Manchester while you are eating turkey and having fun.

Questions, as usual, from Sunday Stealing: 

1. What teacher are you most thankful for and why?  What did you learn from him or her?

I have recently been writing a few memoirs and by lucky chance, I am currently looking at and re-examining my school life. I went to a really good school that required passing an exam to get into and the teachers and kids were all very clever – which was a shock to the system for me because up until then I was always top of the class. I found myself competing with some really intelligent boys and the teachers were totally dedicated to the academic success of their pupils as well has maintaining the excellent reputation of the school.

I didn’t really grasp that at the time but in retrospect it was obvious. Each and every teacher wanted each and every pupil to be the best that they could. And for me, being an obnoxious little git for about three of those years as a rebellious teenager, I pushed them to the limit of their patience sometimes.

The good news is that they stuck by me and when my rebellious phase had faded as I approached 17 years of age, I really pushed myself to succeed. 

There were two teachers in particularly who I thought were brilliant. My maths teacher, Mr P who guided me through O-Level, A/O-Level and A-Level maths, helping me to achieve the top grade required for university, and Mr N, my chemistry teacher and mentor who guided me to choose the course I chose (even though it wasn’t chemistry) and really helped me with A-Level chemistry which initially I struggled with.

Thanks guys.

2. What’s the season you’re most thankful for, and what’s your favourite part of each season?

I love the summer. In the UK, summer is amazing (though we do get a fair amount of rain) and the temperature is always very pleasant. The rain helps keep the UK the fabled green and pleasant land. That said, I usually travel to Europe in the summer too. I love Europe and it is a bit warmer than the UK the further south you go.

Favourite parts of each season?

Spring – After winter, it is wonderful to see foliage returning to its post-winter colour and splendour and, as the weather improves and the days get longer, I find my mood improving every day.

Summer – As I said above, I love the warm long days and the travel. It’s a pleasure to be outside on a long hot summer day.

Autumn – The colour of the leaves as they turn and start to fall. It is usually still pleasant weather during Autumn, particularly at the beginning.

Winter – Winter is my least favourite season, but the one thing I do enjoy is Christmas and New Year because, although it is cold, everyone is happy and in the mood to party with friends and family.

3. What electronic device are you most grateful for, and what does it add to your life?

That’s easy – my smartphone. I rarely use it as an actual phone to be honest but it has so many uses that even if I list them here and now, it wouldn’t do the device justice. Here are just a few things I use it for:

Learning Spanish, counting steps, keeping a calendar, sending messages, banking, watching videos, listening to music, emails, taking photos, keeping in touch with friends, watching TV when out and about, internet, weather, compass, satnav, time, fitness, books

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

4. What musician or type of music are you most thankful for?

Progressive rock and progressive metal. I love so many artists that I can’t list them all but I will single out three of my current favourites:

Steven Wilson:

Devin Townsend:

Mariusz Duda (Riverside):

5. What are you most grateful for that brings beauty to your daily life?

I look for the positive in everything life throws at me – even work (which I am completely tired of). In a similar way, there is always something of beauty if you do something simple, like go for a walk. Personally though, I like to see something that makes me laugh or at least smile. There is nothing more beautiful than laughter.

That's one of the reasons that Monty Python is funny.

6. What philanthropic cause or organization do you feel thankful for?

Every single on of them. There are far too many to list here.

7. What foods are you most thankful for?

Cheese. I can’t imagine a world without cheese. I am looking forward to a ham and cheese sandwich for my lunch after I have finished writing this post.

8. What local store or restaurant are you most grateful for?  How does it contribute to your quality of life?

Again, it is difficult to single out a particular local shop or restaurant. I am quite lucky to live in an area where there are several good places within a short walking distance.

I will mention our local Indian restaurant though. I haven’t been there for a while and I think I am overdue a meal there.

9. What book are you most grateful for, and why?

I can’t honestly say, with my hand on my heart that I am grateful for a book. I enjoy a good novel and I have enjoyed most of them. When I read a novel I enter wholly into the universe created by the story and that provides a form of escapism from normality – a bit like taking a holiday in your own imagination. It’s good for the mind.

10. What act of kindness has made the greatest difference in your life?

Again there are two many to single out one particular act of kindness. 

11. What challenging experience has ended up changing your life for the better?

I’m a fairly positive person and when I see or experience a problem that may seem difficult to overcome, I will usually try to have a go at taking it on. When I was younger, I was painfully shy and decided when I went to university that I was going to declare war on what was effectively social anxiety. It is a conflict that I hurled myself into and I forced myself to explode out of my comfort zone. It was difficult at first and after a few years, I feel that I conquered it. 

Fast forward a couple of decades and shyness is still with me but I manage it very well and when people get to know me they are stunned when I admit to being shy. I guess that means I have won the war.

12. What vacation are you most grateful for?

I love travel and there are many places that I have thoroughly enjoyed. The most recent big holiday that left its mark on me has to be my trip to Japan about eight years ago. I enjoyed the experience so much that I am desperate to get back there. Sadly, it won’t happen for a few years yet as our next jaunt to the Far East will take us to Malaysia – but after that I will be pushing for a return trip to Japan.

13. Name three days in your life that you feel especially grateful for.

The day I made my entrance into the world way back in the early 1960’s in Walsall of course. 

The day I graduated from Liverpool University. I was sad to leave the city, having spent three wonderful years there, but it was an amazing experience and I had to move on.

The day that Mrs PM declared her feelings for me in Causeway Bay, Hong Kong. I have never looked back. That was 23 years ago.

There are many more than three.

14. What product do you use on a daily basis that you most appreciate?

Again the list of products I use on a daily basis is vast and it is difficult to pinpoint one particular item.

Perhaps I shall say clothing because that means that I won’t scare the whole of Manchester by walking around naked (sorry for the terrible image this will conjure up – I’ve seen myself and it isn’t pleasant).

15. What, from this year, do you feel most grateful for?

I am grateful that almost all Covid-19 restrictions have gone and that I have been able to return to something like normality – at least for now. 

Those Covid-19 vaccinations and then people behind them are heroes.

Dear America

Dear America,

How are you all doing? How is Uncle Sam? How is the lovely Oprah?

It’s been a while since I’ve been over to visit you all, so I thought I would write you a letter just to let you know that I am still alive and thinking about you all. Last time I was over there, you offered me your spare room in Alaska, rather than somewhere warmer. 

Still, I got to visit Seattle for a day on the way – it’s just a shame that Frasier Crane wasn’t around Bill Gates conveniently had to be elsewhere. I had a few things to say to him about Microsoft (again).

Why do you think he keeps ignoring my emails?

Actually, now the pleasantries are over, I have a confession to make.

I have an ulterior motive.

I think I might have annoyed you – by accident of course. I love you guys and, being British, I like to poke fun at people I love. It’s just the way we are across the pond. Anyway, I’m also keen to make things right and explain my actions.

Here are some of my "sins":

Correcting Your Language

I know somebody has probably told you that whenever I watch an American programme or film (that’s “movie” to you), I stand up, ranting, and say things like:

Stop saying "Do the MATH"! It’s MATHS! And while we’re on, it’s ALUMINIUM not "ALUMINUM". And what the hell is a DIAPER and a FAUCET?

I’m just joking. I know what these things are – I’m just trying to impress any fellow Brits who might be listening by convincing them I can speak a foreign language fluently.

Mocking Patriotism

Listen guys, I can explain what happened on that fateful day in Florida. I was one of three British people waiting to see the Hall of Presidents and I honestly did not mean to say what I said. 

Looking back I should have just stood up and looked around instead of staying seated and cracking a joke.

When the folk band played your National Anthem I did not expect everybody to stand up and put their hands on their hearts and start bellowing the words. When I said “Spot the Brits!” while remaining seated, I was not being disrespectful. Nor was I being facetious when I giggled and pointed at a man who was clearly overwhelmed by the song, with tear-filled eyes and a voice so choked he could barely utter the words “Oh, say can you see …”.

  

It’s just that, as Brits, we are proud of our country but don’t blubber and stand there with our hands on our chests when God Save The Queen comes on. In fact, quite the contrary – it’s a dreary song and I think the Queen is so wealthy she could probably save all of us.

Furthermore, my joke about the ubiquitous nature of the American flag was not meant to offend. I was not actually going to steal one. What would I do with it?

Finally, I know you Americans are under the impression that you live in the greatest country in the world. I really did not mean to upset the poor pastor when I questioned this statement on his pompous blog. I was just having a bad day and all of his talk about how God loves America more than any other country just wound me up. I apologise to the pastor and all of his sheep who may have read my comment claiming that Britain is a far better and safer place to live than America. 

Mocking Stupidity

I laughed at these videos and I apologise:

I also have to laugh when asked stupid questions like “Do you celebrate 4^th July in England?”

And yes, I really have been asked that question.

Moaning About The Slow Invasion Of Britain By America

Every year, a new American tradition seems to find its way across the Atlantic Ocean and wangle its way into our culture. It started with Hallowe’en, which means that every year I am supposed to buy bags of sweets and face armies of kids dressed up as ghouls and ghosts as they bang my door with the words that make my blood boil: “Trick or Treat”.

And then I noticed that the School Prom was the next invader. Both of my lads have dressed up in suits, jumped into a limo and attended a prom – just for leaving school. That did not happen in my day. 

And then the final straw, when, this year, a large percentage of British people went crazy on a day called Black Friday. Shops were invaded by crazed idiots desperate for a bargain, fighting over televisions and other expensive items that had had their price reduced. I don’t want to see my country descending into anarchy because of an American tradition.

What’s next? Will we end up celebrating Thanksgiving?

I’m not being awkward or funny. If I want the things above, I will visit America again and enjoy them with you guys.

Calling America "The Colonies"

What else was I supposed to say? 

Picture the scene. Mrs PM and I were on an old ship in Boston, that had taken part in the War of Independence. We were part of a tour group and were told some very interesting facts about the part that the ship had played in the war against the British over two hundred years earlier. 

“Is there anyone from Britain?” asked the tour guide.

Of course, being proud of my country, I put my hand up with a gleeful smile – and then I was roundly booed.

Listen, this war happened many years before I was born and I didn’t spot any people in the tour group who were that old. My response was simply a natural gut reaction – to inject a bit of humour (as opposed to "humor") into the situation:

“Well, I’m glad to see you’re looking after The Colonies for us until we get it back in the near future!”

There is no plot for the UK to invade America. Just because we are British doesn’t mean that we are all megalomaniacs and evil monsters, as depicted in films (or "movies").

It was a joke. 

And Finally ...

There are lots of other ways I may have upset you guys and if so, I am sorry. 

America is basically like a good friend to me, somebody who provides lots of fantastic films, brilliant music and, even though a lot of you don’t get irony, lots of great comedy.

I do plan to visit again soon but this time I will try not to take the piss out of religion, accents, words, history or the stupid people who live in your country.

Don’t forget, there are stupid people everywhere – including Britain.

Take Boris Johnson as an example:

This man is Mayor of London!! Yes – we REALLY DID elected him!

Actually, that’s not quite true; the population of London did. And there is talk that one day he may become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

If that happens, I will be over the pond in a flash.

Actually maybe not. You guys elected George W Bush didn’t you?

Not once but TWICE.

Oh dear – I’ve annoyed you again haven’t I?

Yours Sincerely

Plastic Mancunian

P.S. It’s great to know that you guys hate Piers Morgan too. I’m really sorry we inflicted him upon you – please don’t blame me personally for that!