Funny Questions

Welcome to sunny South Manchester, a place that is experiencing a Covid-19 spike because students are back at university and caused the rates to go up quite significantly in the city. There are several hundred in quarantine at the moment. The district where I live is a couple of miles away from the main area where students live and study and, thankfully, we’re not too bad but the counts for the city all count against us. We are already under additional restrictions and I don’t see them lifting any time soon, especially as the infections rates are rising in the whole of the UK generally. 

I can safely say that I am officially sick of this virus now, if you will pardon the pun. The year 2020 needs to be over as soon as possible and to take the coronavirus with it.  

Let’s lighten things up a bit with a few silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could use a time machine to go back in time to fix one thing or go to the future to see what it is like which would you do?

I would definitely go to the future. The past is the past and it is over and, as a technophile I would love to see what new tech is available in the future. I would also be intrigued to know what is happening in the world or whether we have explored the solar system yet. Of course there is always the danger that I could materialise in a dystopian future, in which case I would come right back and start preparing for it. I think I would hop forward about 5 years at a time, continuing until things started to get bad. Hopefully they wouldn’t and I would witness a new age for humanity.

2. If all of a sudden there was a depression or there were no stores to buy food, clothing, etc. how would you manage?

I would head out to the countryside in search of food I reckon. Clothes? I’ve got plenty and I wouldn’t mind them becoming scruffy or out of date (I am not a dedicated follower of fashion).

3. Are you concerned with what other people think about you?

Not at all. I used to be but as I’ve grown older, I care less and less what people think of me. I am quite likely to ask why people think the way they do and have done so in the past, particularly when it comes to people judging me based on my political views. It says more about the person judging than me to be fair. I like to think that if people don’t like me for whatever reason then it is their problem not mine.

They are the ones missing out, not me.

4. How do you handle people you don’t like?

I like to think I am a nice chap and I just tend to avoid people that I don’t like. But, if I can’t avoid them I will still be pleasant. Life’s to short to be nasty.

5. What do you think of garden gnomes?

I believe that garden gnomes are plotting the downfall of humanity. They sit there in their gardens, trying to look innocent but when night comes and people are asleep, they wake up and gather together conspiring with each other. If you are unfortunate enough to own one or more garden gnomes, this is my advice. Get rid of them – you will be the first to suffer their wrath. They are loyal only to each other not to their “owners”. If you can’t get rid of them, I would suggest measuring the distance between each one and your back door – to see if they are moving closer. Failing that, install a CCTV system and watch them at night. The reason we don’t know about this is because people do not believe they could do this. I know, dear reader. I’ve seen them – particularly when I have had several pints of beer. Be warned. They are evil.

6. You’ve been given an elephant. you can’t give it away or sell it. what would you do with the elephant?

I would first build a shelter for it in my back garden and then charge people to come and see it. I would use that money to buy some land and transport the elephant there so that the creature had more room to wander about. Eventually I would acquire another elephant as a mate and then in due course open a zoo or an elephant sanctuary. And then I would have an army of elephants which I would use in the coming war with garden gnomes. Imagine the damage an army of elephants could do to garden gnomes?

7. How would you design a spice rack for the blind?

A spice rack for the blind would have to have something for a blind person to be able to identify the spices themselves using their sense of smell. Perhaps easily liftable lids to make it easier.

8. How lucky are you and why?

I have had some luck in my life so far but I wouldn’t say that I am lucky. If I were I would gamble more and I know for a fact that when it comes to such endeavours my luck runs out. 

For example, the very first time I went to a horse race, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or which horses would win each race, so I just blindly picked one. My plan was to spend a maximum of £5 on each of the 8 races. I lost the first one but picked the winner in each of the other 7 races. I won a total of £180, annoying everybody who was with me. I am a generous fellow so I paid for a large round of drinks in the pub afterwards. I have since been to about ten race meetings (we try to go every year) and my philosophy is still the same. However, I have never done as well as that first time and on only one occasion since have I broke even. The remaining times I have made a loss. I guess I’m not that lucky thinking about it. 

9. What’s your biggest kitchen fail?

We once had a dinner party and Mrs PM tasked me with making dessert. She provided me with a recipe and all of the ingredients and I set about the task. The result was disaster, so much so that I popped out and bought a replacement from the local supermarket. I’m not usually a bad cook but that particular dessert (I can’t recall what it was) exposed any limitations that I have when it comes to cookery.

10. What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in school?

I could write a book about embarrassing things that have happened. I would say one of them was when I was about 6 years old. I told the class that my dad was a fireman. He wasn’t. The teacher believed me and saw my dad when he came to pick me up and asked him if he could come into class in his fireman’s uniform and tell the kids about his job. My dad thought it was hilarious and I was made to look a complete fool in front of my schoolfriends. 

11. If you could kill off any character from a current television show, who would it be?

I always hated Neelix in Star Trek: Voyager as well as Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation so they would have been the first to go if you had asked me in the 1990’s. No character has recently had such a negative affect on me since, I don’t think.

12 . If you could make a rule for a day and everyone had to follow it, what would it be?

I would wait until the next election day and make the rule that no person is allowed to vote for Boris Johnsons’s Conservative Party – but that they still had to vote.

13. Would you rather be a hobbit or an elf for 24 hours?

I think I would rather be an elf because hobbits are weird little creatures with weird feet. And I do not like feet.

14. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I did it to keep Mrs PM company and I thought that it would help vanquish my fear of heights. It didn’t. I was terrified for four hours. It is coincidentally the most stupid thing I have ever done.

15. Would your rather shoot spaghetti out of your fingers or sneeze meatballs?

I would rather use an army of elephants to help me vanquish the threat of garden gnomes.