Saturday, 20 May 2017

Being A Guy

I often hear women saying things like “You don’t know how lucky you are being a man.”

I kind of agree with this because the truth is I absolutely love being a guy.

I have been a guy for 54 years (and counting) and I have loved every second of it. Mrs PM also claims that being a woman is fantastic – but I have no experience of that so can’t possibly comment. Besides, I wouldn’t want to risk the wrath of an irate Mrs PM.

Having said that, I may just risk that with this post. I recently rediscovered a humorous list from the 1990s which listed 100 reasons why it’s great to be a guy. Whilst it is meant to be a joke list, there are some elements of truth in it.

I thought I would share some of my favourite reasons from that list with you.

1. Phone calls last only 30 seconds.

This is true. When Mrs PM talks to her mum she is on the phone for what seems like hours. I don’ actually know what they talk about but I daren’t ask. If I were to ask she would reproduce the entire conversation to me including her thoughts, her mum’s thoughts and, worse, she would ask my opinion on everything – which could lead to danger if I said something wrong.

Conversely, when I make a phone call I am short and to the point – as is the man on the other end of the phone. If happens to be a woman then I can struggle to make the call last 30 seconds. Either way, Mrs PM usually wants to know exactly what was said, my thoughts, the other person’s thoughts etc.

I have no idea why. And if I say “don’t be nosey” I can get into serious trouble.

2. A five day holiday only requires one suitcase.

I only pack what is necessary for the holiday, which usually means that I have the minimum packed away. If I run out of stuff, I can buy some more. I don’t plan what I am going to wear every day – I just wear it.

Women on the other hand pack their entire wardrobe into the suitcase (or suitcases) and are oblivious to weight limits on aircraft. The argument seems to be that they don’t know what they are going to wear so they have to have a choice – for every single day. Worse, the entire contents of the cosmetic bag and bathroom have to fit in too – as well as the army of shoes.

I once travelled abroad for business with a woman and we were going for just two days. I had a tiny suitcase that I could take on the aircraft as hand luggage. She had a huge suitcase that had to be checked in. Being the gentleman that I am I also hauled the bloody thing around when we arrived.

I didn’t dare ask what she had in there – in case she either thumped me or listed the contents and the reasons why she felt the need to pack her entire house into a tiny suitcase.

3. Haircuts are cheap.

When I get my hair cut I usually say “Short at the back and sides and slightly curly on top please.”  The whole thing is over in about five minutes and costs about £8.

Women, on the other hand, are totally ripped off even if they want a trim and can expect to pay at least £20, rising up even more if something more sinister is involved, like dye.

I once went to a unisex hairdresser with my ex-wife. All she wanted was a trim the same as me. She paid about three times the amount that I did.

Why is that?

4. You can get ready in ten minutes.

If Mrs PM and I are going out, she usually starts getting ready an hour before we are due to leave, leaving me downstairs watching TV. As she is preparing herself, she shouts downstairs at ten minute intervals.

“Are you going to get ready?”

Finally, ten minutes before, I go upstairs, take a quick shower and change. I am ready before her as well.

This infuriates her. I love it.

5. Hot wax never comes near to your body.

At work, for charity, we persuaded my boss to have his legs waxed for charity. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. He flinched and grimaced and yelped as his leg hair was ripped from his skin with maximum prejudice.

The women we work with had front row seats and kept saying “Now you know how we feel.”

I can safely say that this will never ever happen to me.

And, I have to ask, why on earth would any human being put themselves through such a traumatic experience?

I think that’s enough for now – but bear in mind there are 100 in total. I may share some of them with you in future.


Grace said...

The first three apply to me - I hate telephones and idle chatter, email was the greatest thing ever invented as far as I'm concerned. For over 40 years now I've traveled with the same smal black bag, it fits under the seat on a plane with room to spare - one smallish suitcase does for both my husband and me, and yes, my haircuts are inexpensive because I cut my own hair. I used to do the waxing thing but only my eyebrows, as effective as a face lift but cheaper. Now that I no longer bother with makeup it takes me 20 minutes to get ready to go out, make-up would add 10 minutes to the routine. 10 minutes to shower and dress has to be a world record.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Grace,

Yes - say it in an email!

I would love to cut my own hair but Mrs PM would never let me. If it were up to me, I would have it permanently short with just a razor thing to maintain it.




Elephant's Child said...

An interesting selection. I don't do the waxing thing. And dislike telephones. And both of us travel light. Motorcycle travel set the habit in place.
Sigh on the haircut thing though. It is sadly true. We are robbed.

River said...

#1; my ex can talk until my ear drops off. Usually he talks so long my phone battery dies, at which point he gets cut off and thinks I hung up on him. A few times I have actually hung up on him and told him later the phone died and I had to plug it in. Now he knocks on the door and sits on my couch yammering until my eyes cross.

#2; one small suitcase for me and a backpack for a book, the camera and the computer if I'm taking it. I dress in tshirts and shorts for the summer, tshirts and jeans for the winter, all I need to pack is underwear and socks plus a couple of extra tshirts. My sneakers are already on my feet.

#3. haircuts? yes we are ripped off. You men walk in, get the hair sprayed to dampen it and then trimmed. We get the shampoo, the conditioner, the discussion on style, the cut, added product and if there's a dye job done that stretches the time and the price. I can shampoo my hair at home and just get the spray and cut, but it still costs too much.

#4; I rarely go out and depending on where I'm going, I can be ready to walk out the door in 15 minutes. If I'm going somewhere that requires dressing up I need longer, maybe 40 minutes, but mostly I avoid those places.

#5. why do we wax? because waxing tears the hair out by the roots, so we get a smoother finish and the hair takes longer to grow back. I don't wax much, maybe once in a blue moon, I find it far easier to shave even though the hair grows back faster. But I'm not hairy, so I skip leg shaving all winter, and just do the underarms in the shower. Takes about a minute.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC,

It does seem that not all women are the same. However, in my experience, particularly the phone and suitcase items, there is something in it. For example, if either of my two sisters calls me on the phone, I can expect to be on for an hour - at least!!




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

#1. That sounds like my two sisters.

#2. Me too - apart from in winter, we need jumpers and a big coat. You are so lucky down there.

#3. I know - but why is that? I still don't know. I will have to ask a hairdresser.

#4. The most I have ever needed is 15 minutes - and that usually involves cufflinks cos I can't put the buggers on!

#5. I know what waxing does. I just want to know why women suffer the pain because, apparently, it hurts like hell!