Saturday, 8 February 2014

Room 101 (Part Three)

A new series of Room 101 has started on BBC1, a show where famous people can banish things those things that annoy, irritate or simply horrify them so that the human race never has to see or experience them ever again. 
I have written two previous posts in a similar vein and so far have expelled twenty items,into that dark gruesome place including one or two people.
You can read about them here and here.
Now it’s time for ten more horrors to be cast into that room. 

Psychic Mediums
Psychic mediums, or charlatans as I prefer to call them, are basically con artists who prey on the vulnerability of people desperately struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one. I wouldn’t mind if there is any truth in what they claim. 
There isn’t - and to me it looks like The Emperor's New Clothes. Nobody can see it. 
Just look at this pile of crap and then dare to disagree with me.

Derek Acorah – please lead your fellow charlatans into Room 101.

Cold Callers

When somebody knocks on my door, I feel a surge of dread. Many people hope for a friend or a postman bringing a parcel or something equally pleasant. Sadly, most of the time it is a door to door salesman, somebody trying to shame me into giving yet more money to charity, a Jehovah’s Witness, somebody trying to persuade me to change my electricity supplier, a bunch of trick or treaters, a load of carol singers  or, worst of all, a politician canvassing for my vote.
The last doorstep pain in the arse was a Liberal Democrat party activist asking me what I thought about his party and whether or not I would be voting for his boss, the local Member of Parliament. I live in a marginal constituency and am therefore a prime target for these buggers. I told him what I tell them all:
“No! I don’t want to vote for your boss or your party. Goodbye!”
Good riddance to all of them.


McDonalds really irritates me, because they are ubiquitous and have been for seemingly decades. Worse, the burgers are unpleasant and don’t look anything like the pictures you see at the counter. 
Worse still, the food is horrifically unhealthy, as proven by the movie Supersize Me. 
Worse, still, I have had to explain to my kids again why we are having a healthy meal instead of visiting the McDonalds that was over the road from where I used to live. 
Worse still, they are trying to change their image by selling salads as if they now realise that they are contributing to the massive obesity epidemic in America and Europe. A
And the crowning turd in the toilet? 
“I’m Lovin’ It”? 
Into Room 1010 you go.

Clive Tyldesley and Andy Townsend

Foreign readers will not know who these jokers are. Let me introduce you to them.
Clive Tyldesley is a football commentator on ITV. He has the most irritating voice in Great Britain. His football knowledge is zero. His jokes are totally unfunny. He is obsessed with his own ridiculous opinions. 
Andy Townsend is an ex-footballer who is Clive Tyldesley’s sidekick – or as I prefer to call him – partner in crime, the crime being ruining my enjoyment of the game with their inane, pointless banter, flawed opinions and irritating voices.
These two men make me think twice about watching football. Usually I turn the volume down – it’s better that way.
Begone – the pair of you!

A friend of mine who is into hip hop tried to explain the culture behind his music. And it was extremely and gave me a fresh insight into the main artists, the music and the philosophy behind it.
But I have to stay – rapping ruins songs – and I still hate it.
I’m sorry to any readers who love to “spit lyrics” and effectively just talk their way to musical stardom but I just don’t get it – and I never will. Now while I am fine leaving rap lovers to their own genre, what I really hate is when it invades other musical styles – in particular rock music. 
I blame Aerosmith. I love Aerosmith by the way but I hate this song because of the rapping:

If rapping goes into Room 101 then it will no longer invade the music I love.

Traffic Wardens

If I ever lose my job, and find myself faced with a life without work, the last job I would look for is that of a Traffic Warden. These people are universally hated and spend their time strolling around town centres, scrutinising parked cars to see if they are violating any parking regulations. It seems to me that when you enrol to be a Traffic Warden, you have to learn to adopt the grim face of a jumped-up jobsworth. You have to have the gene that shows mercy surgically removed from your body and master the art of a smug smile when you hand over a parking ticket to a little old lady.
Begone you evil subclass of humanity and let me park in peace.

Katie Price
If you have never heard of Katie Price, or Jordan as she is also known, let me tell you about her.
She is a topless glamour model, an author, a reality TV star, a singer and a producer of a range of lingerie and beauty products as well as perfume.  She has even tried to be elected as a member of parliament here in Manchester. Her manifesto was “free plastic surgery for all”.
Basically she is an ex tabloid topless model with big boobs who has used her fame and figure to irritate everybody in the UK (and probably beyond) and corrupted a load of young girls who want to be just like her. Her novels are ghosted and her music is awful. She tried to represent Great Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest and failed miserably – she is that bad.
Here she is “singing”:

Go away! Just GO AWAY!!

Eurovision Song Contest

Talking of Eurovision, this joke of a contest that has been around for decades should be cast into Room 101 immediately. Basically what happens is every country in Europe, ours included, writes a song and they all go up against each other in a contest that is broadcast all over Europe on a Saturday night. The winner is the song with the most votes as voted for by each country.

The contest in the past has had good moments; Abba suddenly found themselves thrust into the limelight in the 1970s with Waterloo.

Now, however, it is a total joke. The music and performances, ours included, are shit. The voting is equally contrived with countries only voting for their mates.

Take a look at this – if you like it then you belong is Room 101 too.

British Weather

We are suffering at the moment because of something called the jet stream which has altered its position, causing Mother Nature to dump the Atlantic Ocean over our entire country. The entire south of England is underwater – and has been for two months.

This happens a lot and it doesn’t matter what time of year it is.

I am sick of it. Please let us have some sunshine.

Bad Taxi Drivers

On my travels I have encountered many taxi drivers. Most of them are okay (although they charge the earth to get me from A to B) but some have been terrible. Here are the worst offenders:

The taxi driver at Manchester Airport who was happy to let me into his cab after I had returned, jet lagged, from Toronto and then, when I told him that I only wanted to go 5 miles instead of 35 miles he accused me of queue jumping, threw my suitcase out of the cab and told me to piss off. I reported him – I hope you got the sack!

The Chinese taxi driver who took us to the wrong hotel in Chongqing having almost killed us on the motorway by driving for about a minute with no hands on the wheel and looking back at us as he tried to double the price we had agreed at the airport.

The New York taxi driver who was Romanian and tried to convince me that he had played for Tottenham Hotspur – in the hope that I would give him a massive tip.

The South African taxi driver who diverted off the motorway to show me a Township and then demanded a tip at the airport.

Into Room 101 you go – and let the good taxi drivers prevail.

Do you agree with my choices dear reader?


jeremy north said...

Psychic mediums YES

Cold callers YES if they are after your money. Leave JWs alone they are good people.

McDonalds No, you don't have to go there,The food is crap so I don't. Their tv adverts are sometimes funny.

Tyldsley and Townsend YES YES YES, you could have added Jim Beglin who is another terrible pundit. Sound is definitely OFF, put the radio on instead. Even though the picture is not quite in sync it is far better. Simpler to say ITV ruins football

Rap YES. In the late 70s it seemed a fun novelty, since which it is pointless, and the content is usually vile.

Traffic wardens no. They should simply allow free parking everywhere

K Price YES bimbo

Eurovision YES total sh*t

British weather no brainer YES

Taxi drivers, YES if they are minicabs, they are all terrible on the road. They think that because they are paid, they are PROFESSIONAL. Well they are strictly speaking, but usually they are terrible drivers who can't get any other work.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jeremy,

Actually, I don't mind JW's - its fun to chat with them about our religious differences and they appreciate not having the door slammed in their faces.




Big D said...

Good list, old chap.
1. Psychics - I believe in a lot of weird, Fortean shit but having a dead person pop up to talk in a voice that sounds uncannily like the medium - only with a bit of a cold -Nah. Blatant milking of the credulous and/or grieving.
If there is an afterlife I have this vague hope that the pisstaking gits get a reception committee of angry spirits armed with pointed stick, hoping to have a few words.
2. Cold callers. No I don't want to talk to you about double-glazing. And why do you bastards always ring me up when I'm having my tea?
3. McDonalds - Weirdly enough i prefer the KFC knockoff down the road. (Ken's Fried Chicken) Don't judge me.
4. Tyldesley & Townsend - Something to do with sport? I have no idea who these people are but judging by the pics, they look a right pair of wazzocks.
5. Rapping - Dropping rap segments into defenseless songs is a crime against music. Even Rush did it once. No. Cease and desist.
6. Traffic Wardens - I harboured no particular resentment against them until I found out about some of the tricks they use against the public. There's no way I could do that job. I know who both my parents are...
7. Katie Price - By all accounts a decent mother and switched on business-wise. I might actually respect her if she didn't have the warmth and charm of a Tiger Shark.
8. Eurovision - Essential viewing in my house. Sorry. Although I'm convinced the dodgy results are purely because Slavs have shit taste in music.
Lawnmower Deth for Eurovision 2014!
9. British weather. I saw the sun today and stood at the window staring at it in wonder. Then a hailstorm started. Says it all.
10. Taxi drivers - Christ, I have nothing to compare to your list.
How are you not terrified of setting foot in a cab?

All the best, old chap.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Big D,

I love a bit of weird too - but the likes of Derek Acorah deserve a slap.

I've not had KFC for years - and I remember it being very tasty.

Rush rapping - OH GOD! I KNOW!!!! I HATE that song!!!

Eurovision is not worth the effort the UK puts into it. I howled in delight when Lordi won it - but that was just as mad, in reality, as the Russian grannies. It needs to go into Room 101, Big D, mate - it NEEDS to go into Room 101.




Drb said...

I agree with all except one!

I love McDonalds but I have to agree that McDonalds in UK is horrible! Your mcnuggets is some unrecognisable paste coated in batter and fired.

When you come to Oz, try our juicy mcnuggets made from real chicken breast meat, try our angus beef burger.

Furthermore, Maccas is not bad for you if you reject the supersize, or fries, or sugary soft drinks.
Don't believe me, go to this link

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi DrB,

The jury's still out on McD's to be honest. I haven't been there for years - and I have no intention of going either.




Chrissy Brand said...

With you all the way on all of them, esp. McMurder. Would also add much of TalkSport Radio to go with Andy townsend- presenters all cloned from the same mettle...

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Chrissy,

Oh yes - TalkSport Radio (MUST NOT RANT!!!).