Saturday, 13 October 2012

What Women Want

I don’t read women’s magazines. I need to state that at the beginning of this post.

Occasionally, however, Mrs PM does buy such magazines and leaves them within reach (perhaps on purpose).

Regular readers will know that I simply do not understand women, but strive to do so. And in order to research what makes women tick, I sometimes take the bait and pick up one of Mrs PM’s magazines to see if I can get inside the female brain in my quest to discover the key to the secret.

On Sunday I picked up such a magazine and found an article that made me laugh.

It was entitled: The Good Husband Guide and it listed 10 things that men have supposedly learnt to keep their women happy. I thought it would be a bit of fun for me to comment on each and every point – from a male perspective.

Feel fancied

According to the author, women want their husbands to fancy them. Even though they may feel under the weather, bloated, bad time of the month etc., apparently nothing makes a woman more happy then the knowledge that her man is like a coiled spring, fighting a constant battle with himself not to tear his clothes off and ravage her because she is so utterly attractive.

While this may be something that can keep a woman happy, the phrase “No – I’m too tired” or “No – I’m not in the mood” or “Put your clothes back on, you arse; my mum’s coming round in 10 minutes” do make a man feel rather inadequate.

Talking Is Important

This highlights for me one of the main differences between men and women. Women love to talk, to analyse every nuance, every small piece of information available, every scrap of insignificant news and every aspect of every feeling that is going around inside a man’s brain.

Men don’t talk. Men don’t like talking.

To a man, such conversations are pointless.

If you want a man to have a decent conversation, try talking about sport, cars or books – and not about why Susan’s been feeling low this week.

Never criticise

When shopping with Mrs PM, she sweeps out of the changing room with a new dress and says “What do you think? I want you to be brutally honest!” 

I am under pressure because there are other women present and watching with interest as well as other men, also suffering from my predicament, who are chuckling inside knowing that there is no correct answer to the question.

It is like being asked: “Do you want me to stab you in the chest or shoot you in the nether regions?”

Each answer involves extreme pain.

I trust Mrs PM and have foolishly been brutally honest:

“It makes you look like an old woman. It is more like a sack than a dress. You are in your early 40’s not early 60’s. Put it back.”

The fact that I am still here today typing this is due to the fact that I can run faster than Mrs PM and I have threatened to sell the cats to our local Cruella De Ville if she hurts me in any way.

Don’t back us into a corner

The question in the previous list item is a superb example of women backing men into a corner. Why shouldn’t we do it back?

The author’s point here is that men shouldn’t be flippant over serious issues. I use humour to dissolve tense situations generally but apparently I should stop doing this. And under no circumstances should I say something like “Calm down. It was only a vase!”

That is a sure fire way to pain.

Don’t be a total pushover

Men should fight back and not let women completely dominate them – at least that is what the author is saying.

To me, this seems a difficult thing to achieve, particularly since women are unpredictable – at least that’s what I think (yes – I am that stupid). Mrs PM is very sure of herself and extremely confident. I, on the other hand, am a stubborn, grumpy old git and for the past 20 years or so I have never let anybody push me around.

I think Mrs PM knows how far she can push before I get my soapbox out. The prize of getting her own way sometimes comes at too high a price, particularly when I mutate into a ranting leviathan.

Some things are just not worth it.

If you can’t be romantic, don’t be unromantic

What is it with women and romance? I am romantic but my definition of romance simply does not match the definition of the word in a woman’s dictionary. If Mrs PM wants some romance in the middle of the big game on TV – what should I do? Should I switch off the TV, put on some romantic music and cuddle her, whispering sweet nothings into her ear?

I don’t want to appear selfish but there is a time and a place for everything.

Romance, in my view, is fine, but when the urge for such activities clashes with man stuff – we need a bit of give and take.

Balance is the key ... except some women don’t always see it that way.

Have the same attitude to money as we do

Excuse me but no. I am very careful with money and even though I occasionally go out and buy a gadget, I don’t own more than four pairs of shoes, have a wardrobe full of clothes that I will only wear once, or a room full of cuddly toys that are “too cute to resist so I had to buy them all”.

I will spend money on Mrs PM – but I won’t break the bank. That would be stupid. Thankfully, Mrs PM is also fairly sensible with money.

Be prepared to play the “Daddy” role

What? WHAT?? WHAT?????? 

When I first read this I thought the author was a pervert – but it means that women expect men to take control when it suits them.

This is a bit rich. What it means really is that women want to be in control – until they say we can have a bit of power.

It’s like saying “I have your spine – you can borrow it to sort out the mortgage – and then I want it back - IMMEDIATELY.”

Again – balance is the key.

I am in charge of my relationship with Mrs PM – as long as she says I can be.

Be the sort of bloke who can shop in Ikea and watch the Twilight Movies

My punishment for dragging Mrs PM to see The Avengers earlier this year, is to accompany her to see the fifth and final Twilight film. I haven’t seen the fourth one yet – which means that I have to go the DVD rental shop, rent it out ON MY OWN, watch it ON MY OWN and then go to the pictures with her to see it.

I HATE the Twilight films. They make vampires look like fluffy declawed kittens that have had their teeth removed.

But I will do this because I am a man of my word – and there are a few other movies I want to inflict upon my beloved Mrs PM.

As for shopping at Ikea – FORGET IT!!

Be Reliable

My name is Plastic Reliable Mancunian. I will never ever let my beloved Mrs PM down. She knows that.

And that is all that counts.


What I found incredible about this article was that it appeared in a women’s magazine. Surely, if women want their men to change, to be more romantic, to be a reliable “daddy” who never criticises and gushes over toothless vampires while shopping at Ikea, surely the best thing to do would be to publish it in a men’s magazine between an article on the latest super car and the latest must have gadget.

Men might actually take notice.


MedicatedMoo said...

Love Chunks might be a better source of 'women lessons' than the magazines, PlasMan, as he said, "All you have to do to get a bloke's attention is show up naked with some beers under your arm. We're no more subtle than that.'

Mind Of Mine said...

'why Susan is feeling low'

Absolutely hilarious. Excellent post.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

Love Chunks is absolutely spot on.

And EVERY man knows that!




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Mom,

It's true though. Mrs PM comes in and says "Guess what? Susan has had trouble with her sister this week. Do you know what she said? She ..."

And this is usually when I am watching football.

I have almost mastered the art of grunting at the appropriate time without listening to a word she says ...

Don't tell her though.




River said...

Never say "it was just a vase".
Always say, oh no! did you cut yourself? were you hurt? Show me your hands! and then kiss them. Mrs PM will be the one saying it was just a vase, and I'm okay, aren't you sweet!
Substitute anything else for the vase scenario.
If Susan is feeling low, she probably needs another pair of high heels.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

Good advice River.

BTW Are you confirming that the way to a woman's heart is via the shoe shop?




Jackie K said...

You are quite right PM, most of that stuff is silly. Reliability is very, very important!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jackie,

Of course reliability is most important.

Men and women are too different generally anyway - we will never see eye to eye.

As long as we are there for each other, that's all that counts.




Pandora Behr said...

A cuddle and a cup of tea. And never presume. Women are easy. Men on the other hand. Contrary buggers.

You're doing well, PM.

drb said...

Get a TiVo Mr PM, or something similar that can pause or rewind Live TV. That certainly resolved the tension between Rob and I, otherwise I had to talk to the very annoying hand when he is watching live sports.

The first sentence is completely not true. If you did't read women's mag, how did you peruse the said article? I think you should correct it to 'I don't buy women's magazine.' ;-)

Honesty is good but not tactless!! Poor Mrs PM. Under no circumstances should you announced your partner's age in public! I cringed when I read what you said. Oh Dear!

I would never go shopping with Rob, don't trust his taste and don't want him to know how much the dress actually costs.

drb said...

BTW, we just had a spat the weekend before because Rob would not pay $69 for a seafood buffet and would rather eat at his favourite 'restaurant' mapo tofu dish ($8.80). Almost ruined our weekend, totally violating his mantra "Happy Wife, Happy Life".

However, he made up for it this weekend, organised a minibreak in a fancy 5-star hotel, complete with a fancy dinner for 2 and Dance Performance.

For his good karma, even find a free parking spot just outside the hotel.

Happy Wife, Happy Life indeed. :-)

Anji said...

You did make me laugh.

I think you show a pretty good understanding of all the points there. Practice makes perfect.

Rob has a 'wonderful' way of saying "Why did you break that?" rather than "It's only a vase"

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

Men are easy to understand - honestly.

I certainly am anyway.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

"Happy wife - happy life"

It works the other way too, I guess. It's all about balance - like I said in the post.

BTW I didn't say those words to Mrs PM in public - I just shook my head and said "Nah!".

I did however, say them in private and got a thump.

"What about being brutally honest?" I said.

"WHAT ABOUT IT?" said Mrs PM.

See? These are the things I don't understand.

It looks like Rob knows you pretty well and has taken the mantra "Happy Wife - Happy Life" to heart.

And all with a free parking spot.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

I am definitely still learning - and improving - apart from the odd hiccup.