Friday 16 March 2012

Golf Is Rubbish

It’s official – golf is rubbish!

I apologise to any Scottish people who may be reading or any sad individuals who love to watch or play this so-called sport, but that’s the way I feel.

I’ve always wondered what the point of golf is and in order to educate myself I’ve done some research.

My conclusion?

Golf is DEFINITELY rubbish.

First of all, golf is described as “sport”. But it isn’t really a sport, is it? If you describe the act of walking around a golf course with a bag full of bats, occasionally whacking a little white ball in the general direction of a little hole in the middle of a mown area of grass, anything other than utter tedium then you are quite frankly delusional.

So what is golf? What do you need to be a golfer? What qualities should you have to be able to endure watching or playing this monotonous, mind-numbing, dreary and pointless activity?

Here are some things that golfers need to know:

An expensive set of golf bats

Golf bats (or “clubs” as golfers call them) are just metal sticks with a lump at the end that is needed to hit the ball. These bats come in different forms:

A wood – a bat with a wooden stump for whacking the ball a long distance.

An iron – a bat for hitting the ball smaller distances.

A hybrid – an abomination produced by the union of a wood bat and an iron bat – for Libran and other indecisive golfers.

A wedge – a bat to hit the ball short distances from sand for example (a sandwich or is that "sand wedge"?).

A putter – a bat to hit the ball into the hole – “put” the ball in the hole if you like.

Golf bats cost a bloody fortune and they usually come in a big heavy bag. It might be good exercise to carry such a bag around a golf course – but golfers, being lazy old men, usually employ what’s known as a caddy (or “slave”) to carry them round for them.

Stupid clothes

People who like golf have no dress sense whatsoever. These men and women wear the most ridiculous trousers – presumably so that other golfers can aim at them on the golf course.

Golf balls

Golf balls are tiny and difficult to hit. When you hit them up towards the sky you can no longer see them. Neither can TV cameras. All of a sudden you see a golfer swing his bat and the next then, spectators (and the golfers themselves) are searching the clouds for any trace of their ball. And then, when the ball lands (amongst other lost golf balls) the golfer can claim that the one nearest the hole is his, even though in reality, the one he hit is probably stuck in a tree or has landed in the middle of a lake that is conveniently located in the middle of the fairway.

All golfers are therefore cheats.

Lots of money

Golfers are usually businessmen who like to grease each other’s palms and give each other funny handshakes while strolling around batting balls into little holes and cheating. To become a member of a golf club you need to wait for approximately one year on average and then pay a fortune to stay there.

Knowledge of weird words

Golf terms are funny. Here are some I discovered, with translations:

Par – apparently each hole has a an average number of shots taken to bat the ball into the little hole. This is called the par – for example – this is a par three hole.

Fore – when aiming at the other golfers, you are supposed to shout “FORE!” to them to warn them that you have batted the ball in their general direction. I think you are supposed to do this before the ball actually hits them.

Bogey – one over par for the hole – NOT something that comes out of one nostril.

Double Bogey – two over par for the hole – NOT something that comes out of both nostrils.

Birdie – one under par for the hole – NOT a little bird.

Bunker – a conveniently located lump of sand meant to trap balls – NOT somewhere to hide.

Albatross – three under par for the hole – NOT a big bird with massive wings.

Driver – A big bat for clobbering the ball – NOT a man to drive lazy golfers around the course on those little buggy things.

Follow through – Part of the action when a golfer bats the ball – NOT an accident when farting.


Clearly some people like golf. These people have lots of patience or are excited by watching paint dry or studying grass as it grows.

Normal people think it is a waste of time. I have had to endure a golf championship in the company of Mrs PM’s dad who likes golf. I was comatose by the end of it. Some guy called Tiger Woods won it – I thought he was just a rich man who had been caught doing naughty things – I didn’t realise he was a man who spent all of his time whacking balls and being paid a fortune for it.

“What do you do for a living Mr Woods?”

“I hit little white balls in the general direction of other people on a nice patch of grassy land and then at some point put the ball into little holes. I have a big leather bag full of sticks (or “bats” if you want to use the technical term). I also wear stupid clothes and am paid enormous sums of money for it. And I get the odd birdie – but that’s another story.”

Crikey – how hard can that be? And he earns a bloody fortune.

I think I may take it up.

Actually, on second thoughts, I won’t.

There is no way that Mrs PM would let me wear those ridiculous trousers.


Anonymous said...

Funny story about golf - sorta. My mother used to watch golf on television. Every Saturday afternoon the tv was tuned to whatever golf match was on. My mother wouldn't know a golf club from a club sandwich so we asked why she always watched the matches. Her answer? "I like to watch those guys wiggle their butts"...That's as good a reason as any to watch golf -

Elephant's Child said...

Oh yes. Golf is indeed rubbish. Except. Except that it keeps the sister in law from hell out of my way. Often. So even golf has a good side.

Pandora Behr said...

Could not agree more. The only sport more rubbish than golf - tennis.

Very, very good post.

(Says she who got a nine iron to the eyebrow aged eleven and hated it ever since)

River said...

I've learned something. I always thought a birdie was when you hit the ball almost straight up in the air by accident. My first ex used to pretend to be a golfer, he'd pay enormous amounts of money for left-handed clubs, then rarely go out to play and when he needed cash in a hurry the clubs were pawned. a few years later he'd repeat the process. He never did get a pair of those awful pants though.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Grace,

Ha ha - that's a reason for me to watch women's golf.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC,

No good sides for me - unless perhaps it were to keep Piers Morgan off the TV.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

Ooh! Nasty. Actually, I do like a bit of tennis - particularly when nice ladies are playing.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

Of course - I guess the bats are a bit weird so you might need left hand versions.

And there's no way he would have been able to pawn golf pants.




Anji said...

I'm impressed by your knowledge of golf. It's dangerous too.

I think most people play to get into the bar afterwards

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

My knowledge of golf stems purely from the ten minutes research I did.

I can understand the desire to get to the bar - I think I would just omit the walking bit.




drb said...

I guess playing Golf is a status symbol. For example my friend was hired by the Shek to convert the desert into golf course. Similarly, there is a golf course in the Death Valley, the hottest place on earth.

I think it is an old-man sport - for those who can't run anymore and found that just taking a stroll is too boring.

I do love playing tennis.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I've played tennis - but I've never played golf - and I have no intention of taking it up either.




DelGal said...

Dearest PM -

I saw the weirdest/laziest golf equipment on Earth a few years ago. It was an automated golf bag on wheels - like a robot of sorts, when you push the go button, it goes to the next putting area and waits for you.

The only acceptable form of golf is mini golf in my opinion :)
(I also think baseball is horridly boring too.)

Plastic Mancunian said...

Dearest Lady from Delaware,

Mini golf or crazy golf is OK - that should be the limit.

Robot golf bags just sums up how awful the sport is - it is not sport at all really.

I've actually watched an entire baseball match on TV when in the US and it was far more interesting than golf. It reminds me of cricket in a way (though they are completely different). Both count as a sport because they involve running and certain amount of flexibility, whereas golf requires walking, cheating and laziness - therefore (again) not a sport.




DelGal said...

Hello again!

Forgot to mention since you are a KISS fan, KISS opened up a crazy golf course in Vegas a few weeks ago, complete with Gene's long tongue as the last obstacle and a wedding chapel on the premises.

We're going to Vegas in June so we may end up checking it out if time permits.

PS - it seems I was unaware that you have mini and crazy varieties of golf in the UK, whereas we only have the crazy variety here. Mini sounds boring coz there aren't any obstacles.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Lynette,

A KISS crazy golf course is my kind of golf course.

Make sure Mark spends loads of money on you in Las Vegas. Been there - great place.




Anonymous said...


I find your post very amusing as I love to listen to people who are stupid and delusional and say things for attention.

I find that people who talk in this manner about golf have the hand eye co-ordination that is tantamount to a sloth.

You also say that golf is only played by old people, this is as stupid statement due to the fact that there are thousands upon thousands of professional golfers out there that are well under the age of 40.e.g Tiger woods and Rory Mcilroy.

Your biggest fan