Saturday, 18 February 2012

The Art Of Bullshit

Welcome the best weblog in the world. If you are new here, where have you been?
Never mind, you are here now and I guarantee you a rollercoaster ride through the very nature of existence.

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll never be so high.

The Plastic Mancunian will clarify the very essence of life and transform the course of your continued existence into an enhanced, extraordinary and exceptional paradigm of precision and pleasure.

I can do that for you.

What a load of old codswallop that was. I am not very good at spouting bullshit as you can tell, which is why I don’t work in marketing .

If I did, I would be sacked for driving people away from the product I was trying to sell.

I work in IT and often receive emails from various software companies using catchy slogans and false promises in order to grab my attention. There are stock phrases and words that crop up repeatedly using expressions conceived in other disciplines – like motor racing for example.

If you sit and watch a motor race, marvelling at the speed of cars as they race around the track it is possible to enter bullshit mode and immediately think of catchphrases based on what you are seeing, that you can apply to even the most mundane garbage.

Here’s another thing I could cough up, like an annoying extra sticky piece of sputum, to make this blog seem worthy of your attention, based solely on racing:

The Plastic Mancunian accelerates your entertainment to new levels, fuelled by sharp, cutting humour that leaves all others behind in the race for excellence.

Does it bollocks! All this blog really contains is the inane ramblings of a grumpy old fool.

We could try X Factor references. How about this?

The winning blog, The Plastic Mancunian, will lead you on a journey to fulfilment, leaving you wanted more. It is so relevant that you must take the risk; it will pay off. I can guarantee this, one million per cent.

Or how about from music adverts or reviews?

The Plastic Mancunian writes from his very soul, leading you into a world of pure ecstasy that will leave you gasping. It is the most poignant and moving masterpiece and guarantees to make your heart weep and plead for more.

More horseshit!!

Clearly I haven’t mastered the art of bullshit. But what amazes me is that we are all seduced by such crap – me included.

I am very cynical and yet I might consider a software product that offers to “accelerate my innovative success” or will “take conceived technological miracles and make them reality” over something that just does the job I want.

No more.

I am fed up of people sugar-coating crap in order to sell it to me or make me buy it in preference to another piece of crap that has a slightly less annoying slogan.

I may not be able to master the art of bullshit but I can certainly recognise it.

That’s why you won’t see any on this blog.

Instead, it will provide a fast-track to a celestial plane of innovation and intelligence.

And that’s the honest truth.


Elephant's Child said...

I am really looking forward to being on the fast-track to a celestial plane of innovation and intelligence.

I suspect that if cats could talk they would all be in marketing of one form or another. And if they had opposable thumbs we would be in it to our necks and beyong.

River said...

Well, I won't be rushing to brush the off my blog just yet. I like things sweet. Besides, I need all the readers I can get, because I love comments!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC,

So am I - not sure how I am going to do it yet ;-)

I would love to be able to communicate properly with a cat.

I shudder at the thought of my hellcat having opposable thumbs.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

I love comments too.

And sweet blogs are good.




Anji said...

Wow, all that in one blog - there's value for money.

ExposeYourBlog! What else?

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

I know - I should charge three times the amount, for my dear readers, shouldn't I?




drb said...

Oh Mr PM,
You won't believe it but the art of BS is so critical even in the field science, we call it "grantsmanship". The oz government believe that the cream will float to the top (but forgetting that BS do too) will fund only the top 20% ranking grant applications (ranked by fellow scientists competing for the same pot of money). You will not be surprised that the most recent Australian noble winning research (gastric ulcer is caused by a bateria and not stress) was not funded by the government as the application was given a thumbs down by peer-review.
Back to BSing...

Kath Lockett said...

I might actually start using 'the fast-track to a celestial plane of innovation and intelligence' for a variety of things in my life.

Like trying to convince the person who rang my mobile phone five minutes ago that no, I can't speak French, German or Italian, so Naxoo phone services have a long way to go before they even reach the front GATE that leads up the path towards the 'the fast-track to a celestial plane of innovation and intelligence'.....

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I don't doubt that for a second. BS is rife everywhere - its just a question of being able to recognise it.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

You could do with a French language course that helps you cope with bullshit.

Google translate gives you:

"Je veux prendre la voie rapide à un plan céleste de l'innovation et l'intelligence".

Sounds much better in French doesn't it?




Jackie K said...

Oh too bad, I was getting very excited at that first paragraph!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jackie,

Alss - it is not the best blog in the world.

If it were, I think *I* would be excited.