I Got Biorhythm

I usually walk into work sit down and scan the office searching for the giant turd that is going to hit the fan and spray a colossal amount of crap in my direction.

Some days I don’t see the turd – those are good days.

Other days the turd is so huge that you see its shadow before you see the turd itself and when it hits the fan, all hell breaks loose.

A couple of years ago I was having a particularly bad day; a fleet of giant turds had repeatedly hit the fan.

Problems were mounting up faster than I could resolve them; emails were pouring into my inbox like a herd of cows crapping through my letter box; the phone rang incessantly. I even managed to pour the entire contents of freshly made cup of tea onto the floor. I was tired because I had been woken up by the cats and then had to deal with a support call in the middle of the night.

To cap it all, it was pissing down with rain and I felt ill. My nose was running like Niagara Falls and I was coughing like a barking seal.

I was shell shocked and in desperation, I howled:

“What the hell is wrong, today? Is this “I hate Dave" day? Have I upset God?”

A female work colleague heard my anguished rant and asked “When’s your birthdate?”

“My birthdate?” I said, incredulously. “Why? Is today the day when all Librans are cursed?”

“Let me check your biorhythms,” she said.

“My what?”

Curiosity got the better of me and I told her my date of birth. She put the details in an application on her mobile phone, waited a minute or two and then nodded sagely.

“Your biorhythms are all at their lowest point,” she said and showed me her phone.

I saw a chart with three graphs, all sine waves, and each one was at its lowest point.

“You’ll feel better tomorrow,” she said. “Just get through today and everything will be fine.”

I was about to launch into a rant about pseudo-scientific mumbo jumbo but decided that I had enough on my plate and got back to work.

And she was right – things did improve (well they could hardly get any worse).

Not long afterwards, I was having another particularly bad day at the office. I saw the same female colleague and, out of curiosity, asked her about my biorhythms. She obliged and, hey presto, I was at my lowest ebb again.

I thought nothing else of it – until last week.

On Thursday, last week I had had a bad day at the office. I came home to find that our new cat, Liquorice, had had another run with one of the other cats. I noticed here peering out of the lounge door and then scratching the carpet.

Foolishly, I shooed her out of the lounge and she ran upstairs into our bedroom, her sanctuary from the other two cats. After twenty minutes or so I decided to go and look for her. I walked into our bedroom and was assaulted physically and mentally by the worst stench imaginable – cat shit.

And it was sitting there in the middle of our bed.

And Liquorice was on the floor staring at me as if to say “Look what I’ve done?”

I almost vomited.

I shouted Mrs PM who took pity on me and cleaned the mess up (I cannot stand the sight or smell of shit – especially the feline variety).

But it got worse – later, Mrs PM went upstairs and announced that Liquorice had decided to add to our trauma by pissing on the newly cleaned bed.

I was furious and almost – almost – hurled her outside with a view to locking the cat flap and making her spend the entire night in the rain. I saw her face and relented. She was purring and I simply couldn’t bring myself to upset her.

Instead I decided to check my biorhythms.

According to biorhythm theory, there are three predictable aspects of human life that follow simple mathematical cycles.

The first is physical, following the mathematical formula sin(2πt / 23) (where t is the number of days since your birth).

The second is emotional , following the formula sin(2πt / 28).

The third is intellectual, following the formula sin(2πt / 33).

All this basically means that your physical ability cycles every 23 days, your emotional ability every 28 days and your intellectual ability every 33 days.

On a good day, all three aspects reach a peak at the same time and the world is your oyster. On a bad day, all three aspects plummet to the depths of a trough and the only thing you should do is hide under the duvet.

I checked my biorhythms last Thursday and this is what I saw:

The day the cat shat and pissed on my bed was a GOOD day.

I have just checked my biorhythms for today:

If there is any truth in this pseudoscience then I am about to plunge into the depths of misery for the next few days.

I have THREE cats – can you imagine what could be the worst that can happen?

To be honest, I don’t take this seriously.

Unlike astrology, there is a little science and maths behind biorhythms so although it might be bunkum, it is slightly more believable than a twelfth of the population all believing that they “need to make up with a loved one today”.

Having said that, it could still be a load of old codswallop invented by a pseudo-intellectual who knows a little maths.

In the interests of science (or should I say pseudoscience) I am prepared to be a guinea pig for you, dear reader. I shall monitor my life over the next few days and let you know:

(1) How many cups of tea I pour onto my desk at work

(2) How many times I have to suppress the urge to have my work PC to bits with a sledgehammer.

(3) How many piles of cat shit I have to dispose of from my bedroom.

Wish me luck – I think I might need it.