Another Royal Wedding

My beloved country has gone mad.

The rest of the world probably regards Britain as a bit of a weird place most of the time but for the past few weeks the eccentricity has reached new heights.

Why? It’s all because a man and a woman are getting married on Friday.

It’s not just ANY man or woman though; the couple in question are Prince William and Kate Middleton. 

They are driving me insane. That’s not quite true – the media are driving me insane.

 Every time I switch on the TV there is a reference to “Will and Kate”. The news is full of it.

“And now the latest on the wedding of the century!”

Allow me to just have a spontaneous micro-rant.

I DON’T BLOODY CARE! I KNOW THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED! LEAVE ME ALONE!

To me, the royal family are just one of many eccentric families in the British Isles. The only difference is that these guys are always on the news. It’s like most people are high on drugs. The entire country has gone bananas.

“What will she wear?”

“Who will be there?”

“Isn’t she beautiful?”

What they SHOULD be asking is:

“Will Prince Harry embarrass himself?”

“How many people will Prince Phillip offend?”

“Does anybody really care?”

I am an old cynic and I’ve seen this all before. Royalists in my country want to spend every second of the day absorbing every single trivial detail about the wedding. Even TV channels that have nothing to do with the news are cashing in on it.

I was flicking channels the other night and at least three music channels had used the wedding as an excuse to play all sorts of romantic drivel. I swear I am not making this up. We had:

“Kate’s Top 50 Hen Night Songs”

“Will and Kate: A Romantic Countdown”

It’s crazy. It’s as if everybody has taken their brains out.

I am totally neutral when it comes to royalty. I don’t love them and I don’t hate them. If the Queen were to come to Manchester I wouldn’t go out of my way to wave to her but I if she was passing I would say "Hello".

The problem is that the wedding coverage in this country is turning me against them. Sure, it is a reason for some to become excessively patriotic and run around the streets waving Union Jacks while wearing Union Jack shorts, Union Jack shirts and Union Jack underpants – and I’m happy for other people to do that.

I just don’t want to do it myself.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my country but, to be honest, I don’t know why so many people are getting worked up and excited. Just because I am not jumping around like a mad fool doesn’t mean that I am not patriotic.

I’ve seen it all before and that’s why I am cynical about it. Let’s face it; most of the last few royal weddings have ended up as total disasters.

Rewind to 1981 when Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer.

It was lovely; it was romantic; it was gorgeous; they kissed; they loved each other more than any other couple had ever loved each other ever.

Look at what happened: bitterness and divorce.

Almost inevitably, this wedding is being compared to Charles and Diana’s wedding and Kate is being hailed as the new People’s Princess.

Poor Kate.

Let’s just hope for both their sakes that it doesn’t end up the same way.

And it’s not just Britain that’s going bonkers. Apparently coverage in America will rival our own. I’ve seen interviews with loads of American tourists (on the news of course) who are wetting themselves about it all.

“We don’t have a princess back home. This is every young girl’s dream.”

Thankfully (hopefully) times have changed in Britain so I won’t be hauled over the coals for daring to be cynical about Prince William and Kate’s big day. In days gone by I might have suffered extreme medieval torture for writing a post about the royal wedding that wasn’t full of sugary syrup and praise for the monarchy.

Can you imagine what Henry VIII might have said if I had posted:

Well the fat old loon is at it again. This time the dirty old goat is marrying a young girl. How many is that, Henry? Five? I’m losing count. I wonder whether she’ll lose her head?

My arse would have been hauled to the Tower of London faster than you could say “anarchist”.

Anyway, that’s enough moaning. I will end on a positive note.

I wish Prince William and Kate Middleton all the very best on their wedding day and I am happy for them both. I think Kate Middleton is a lovely woman and William is a very lucky man.

However, I regret to inform you both that I will not be watching the wedding on TV and I will do my very best to avoid any coverage whatsoever. Having said that I realise that at some point during the day I will almost certainly catch some of the media insanity.

And thanks for the day off. It’s a shame I’m on call and can’t get drunk at a street party.

By the way – what happened to my invitation? I assume it was lost in the post.