Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Survival Of The Drunkest?

The human race is evolving and it is all down to alcohol.

You may think that I have lost my mind, dear reader, but if you read on you will find yourself agreeing with me.

I am certain of this.

Well, there is an element of doubt.

Okay – you may NOT agree with me and you might end up considering me to be a weird arse. Nevertheless, please indulge me because I know I’m right.

Well maybe – perhaps!

Picture the scene. You have been invited to a major event that will involve drinking, dancing and generally revelling in a night club, or some similar debauched establishment, and you are preparing yourself.

You want to turn heads.

You want members of the opposite sex to fall in love with you.

You want the world to be talking about you tomorrow.

There is only so much you can do, physically. If, like me, you look like a decrepit old grape, then the task is almost impossible. If you are a woman, no matter how wonderfully attractive you are, you will still want to spend approximately six hours perfecting your appearance.

That is a given and has nothing to do with evolution. That is human pride and the need to be loved. And we all need to be loved (well, apart from Piers Morgan or Sarah Palin perhaps).

The evolutionary part is the way our bodies have developed to cope with the effects of imbibing too much alcohol. Some of these evolutionary traits are harmful - so I guess maybe you could say that there is a paradox here – we are evolving and regressing at the same time.

Of course, not everybody goes out planning to drink a lake of beer and wine. Most people know their limits and can enjoy themselves responsibly.

However, there are those who opt to break the record for the largest amount of alcoholic beverages ever consumed and there are also those who forget about responsibility and simply go with the flow without realising that they too are consuming a small river of beer.

And this is where evolution kicks in – and also regression.

The evening has started and you are surrounded by your friends. Everybody has had a couple of beers and the conversation is flowing. This is when the first evolutionary trait suddenly kicks in – the Beer Brain.

The Beer Brain is responsible for unleashing that inner potential that exists in all of us. When the Beer Brain is activated, entrepreneurial ideas that exist in a dusty old chest within our minds are suddenly released. The fact that this chest has a sign on it saying “DO NOT OPEN – EVER!!!” is completely ignored. Alcohol gives us the ability to shatter that lock and unleash all of our potential on the unsuspecting crowd. There will be those who are sceptical about this – but I am certain that in that chest there is a massive idea waiting to be implemented.

Something like, perhaps, the spaghetti mask. When eating spaghetti and you slurp it up, the end flies around spraying tomato sauce all over the place and, more importantly, all over your glasses (this is painful for me I can tell you). So you wear a metal mask with a mouth hole that takes all the spray as you slurp.

What about a homing sock? Each pair of socks comes with a remote control and an in-built locator device. When the button is pressed on the remote control, the sock comes to you – you will never lose a sock again.

Maybe a pair of underpants that you can turn into a toilet at the push of a button (something like this would be useful for me on my forthcoming trip to China).

How about an ironing machine? All you have to do is throw you clean but frazzled clothing into a machine, wait a while and extract the neatly ironed product. Some men may say that they have a device that goes the whole hog – called a washing basket. All they have to do is pile their dirty washing in the washing basket and, hey presto – in a couple of days it is hanging up crisp and clean in your wardrobe. Sadly, I don’t own such a basket and have to endure the full manual cycle – including the ironing.

After the Beer Brain, comes the Beer Ego. The Beer Ego transforms you into the greatest person who has ever lived – all it takes is a little more beer. Suddenly, when the Beer Ego detonates, you are the world’s greatest dancer, the world’s greatest conversationalist and the world’s most attractive person – all rolled into one. You can do no wrong. Eyes turn whenever you hit the dance floor and every member of the opposite sex wants to have your babies.

What about this poor fella?

Yes - that is me under the influence of the Beer Ego playing my guitar to the Drifters at New Year.

And, of course, there are the Beer Goggles that help you to select an equally attractive mate. The most hideous creature known to man can in an instant become the most attractive person on the planet:

Somebody once told me that Beer Goggles help ugly people get partners. It clearly didn’t work in my case, because Mrs PM really is lovely (mind you – I think she wears her Beer Goggles permanently).

Anyway, having solved the world’s problems with your Beer Brain, charmed everybody with your Beer Ego and used your Beer Goggles to grab yourself a date with a member of the opposite sex, it is now time to go home.

The amount of beer it takes to activate the Beer Brain, Beer Ego and Beer Goggles does take its toll and here, dear reader, is where the final evolutionary miracle occurs. You have two choices:

(1) The Homing Device – this is a built in six sense that somehow manages to inform your addled brain that you have, perhaps, consumed just a little bit too much alcohol. This fabulous mental device guides you in the direction of the exit, fending off all cries of “You can’t go yet, Dave,” with a dismissive wave of the hand and a heartfelt “OMGUWINUM”. This ingenious evolutionary part of your brain can direct you out of the pub or club and start you off on your way home. Mind you, it isn’t totally dependable, in which case a second ingenious evolutionary advancement comes into play:

(2) The Beer Scooter – The problem with the Beer Scooter is that nobody knows exactly how it works. The Beer Scooter is a miracle. Why?

(a) The Beer Scooter obtains fuel automatically (usually in the form of a large Donner Kebab).

(b) The Beer Scooter gets you home, no matter how much cash you have left after your night out on the town. Some sceptics say that taxis or The Nutty Bus are involved – but I don’t buy it.

(c) The Beer Scooter not only gets you to your front door; it gets you in the house, undressed and into bed. Some advanced humans sometimes even find that the Beer Scooter has provided water to help minimise the inevitable cost of your depraved evening.

So there you have it, dear reader; my theory of evolution due to alcohol and in the past, I have taken advantage of all these evolutionary enhancements. Sadly, they have dulled with age – even my Beer Goggles have stopped working.

Alas, so has my Beer Scooter, though I have found a half-eaten Donner Kebab in the fridge on occasion so perhaps it still works - a bit.

Actually, thinking about it, why on earth would anybody put a half-eaten Donner Kebab in the fridge? If anything is going to induce a violent reaction when you have a hangover it’s going to be a cold half-chewed scraggy lump of unidentifiable meat wrapped in cardboard and covered in “all the dressings – especially the monster strength chilli sauce”.

Perhaps we are regressing back to being apes after all.


Kath Lockett said...

And you mustn't forget two other key things that the Beer Brain thinks:
b) that you are very, very rich and the kindest, most generous person in the entire world. IT'S MY SHOUT - LEMME BUY EVERYONE IN THE PUB A BEER - NO, THREE!

....love the idea of the homing socks and toilet-converting underpants. Get onto that Dave and it could be your ticket to Mark Zuckerberg-like fame and fortune.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Agreed - mustn't forget either of those two - and thanks for pointing them out.

My personal favourite "invention" is the ironing machine. I reckon I could make millions if I can invent one of those.

The toilet pants are slightly more pressing though...




drb said...

Totally agree with the "Homing Device" Theory. I have only been drunk twice in my life - once at home and the other time was pub crawling/drinking competition in New Orleans with Scottish friend on Burbon St. To this day, I have no recollection of how we managed to get back to our hotel room without getting lost or losing our room keycard. It scares me a bit and so vowed never to get drunk ever again. The only saving grace is that he more hungover than me the next morning and conceited defeat!!

Pandora Behr said...

Ah, you have the Beer Scooter - I've had experience with the Beer Bike and the Beer Fairy - which sounds a lot like the Beer Scooter, but it doesn't need fuel, there are no kebabs and somehow, for some reason, you get in your front door, which is locked behind you and there is evidence that the beer bike - probably driven by the beer fairy, has got a pint of water and two asprin in you before putting you in bed (sans makeup). The beer bike also leaves you with bruises you can't explain. Probably that's the fare...
Great post.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

A sensible choice :-)

I've been slightly merry in New Orleans but had I gone with one of my Scottish brethren I might have been in the same boat as you.

They like wee dram the Scots.




The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

I've not encountered the Beer Fairy but the Beer Scooter is so magical that nobody knows how it works - which leads me to conclude that it is driven by the Beer Fairy.

Yes - the bruises sound familiar but I don't wear makeup so the Beer Fairy has an eaiser job with me (unless Mrs PM has painted my face to look like Gene Simmons though).




River said...

Is it the Beer Brain or the Beer Ego that makes men buy pizza on the way home, then fall UP the stairs and land in the pizza because they've opened the box and started eating it already?

bingkee said...

It's only in the US that I've heard of Beer Goggles. And also this reminds me of the song that I've heard on TV that goes on something like this; "The girls look prettier, the girls look prettier, when you drink beer."

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

That's probably the Beer Fairy (courtesy of Pand) who has given up.




The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Bingkee,

No Beer Goggles are famout throughout the English speaking world and I imagine there is an equivalent in most other languages too.




Anji said...

Now I understand why my son leaves half eaten Big Macs in the fridge

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

HA HA HA - Brilliant - yet oddly disturbing ...




JK said...

Would like to order 4 spaghetti masks and one ironing machine please. Can't find the shopping cart symbol on your site so assume these are still in development?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi JK,

The spaghetti masks are almost there but the ironing machine is proving quite difficult and expensive. I think another session at the pub might be required to kick start the Beer Brain ...