Monday, 26 July 2010

Aggravators Incorporated

Aggravators Incorporated is the ideal company for employees who despise laziness. We believe that any form of indolence, no matter how fleeting, is an absolute sin, punishable by a life sentence in jail.

We are an excellent company that thrives on the excellence and diligence of each and every employee. Our recruitment techniques have won awards. We refuse to allow anybody to become an employee of Aggravators Incorporated unless they pass a series of gruelling interviews, terrifying aptitude tests, bloodcurdling personality tests and survive two days with our ex-SAS sergeant major who thrives on inflicting dangerous team building challenges involving karate, knives, guns and medieval instruments of torture.

Only then can an employee be deemed suitable for a position at our company.

For those who make it (and there a few) we demand 1000% commitment. Anything less will result in severe disciplinary action.

Our working practices have been described as “impossible”, “insane” and “illegal” by indolent observers, yet we thrive on achieving the impossible.

Our employees have been described as breathtakingly arrogant, pompous beyond belief, subhuman psychopaths and crazy, yet we still surpass all of our targets.

And now we plan to push those boundaries even further.

We are already the best of the best of the best of the best. We are campaigning to have the word “excellence” redefined in the Oxford English Dictionary to refer exclusively to the achievements of Aggravators Incorporated.

But we want more.

Why strive for 1000% when there is a higher target? We can achieve 2000%.

The challenge has been laid down. We have thrown down the gauntlet to corporations and governments. We have licked the arse of the "Working Time Directive" and stuffed a custard pie into the face of "Employee Rights".

We will prevail. We always do. We love a challenge and in order to increase our productivity we are taking the following measures will will help us to achieve our new so called “unattainable” targets.

(1) Holidays – At the present time we have bowed to UK and European corporate law and allowed our employees to take holidays. How can we achieve excellence if we allow our staff to take time off to “be with their family”? Almost all of our employees have no family. And we are certainly assisting the others to dispense with next of kin by encouraging divorce. After all, families encourage laziness and at Aggravators Incorporated we loathe laziness of any kind. Our first step therefore is to phase out annual leave over the next year. From January 1st 2011, employees who ask for annual leave will be dismissed immediately and sued for causing the company to lose an asset. How can we achieve our projected profit margins if we lose assets?

(2) The Working Day – The average working day in the UK is from 9am to 5pm. What craziness is that? How can market leading, ground breaking companies at the forefront of their industry be expected to keep their share holders in the lifestyle they are used to by only working eight hours a day? Are employees expected to wallow in sloth for the remaining sixteen hours? We think not. Therefore, from 1st January 2011, employees will expected to work from 8am until midnight, allowing eight hours sleep. It should be noted that our employees are so wired on a cocktail of extra-strong triple strength coffee and Red Bull that they require much less sleep. So from 1st June 2011 the working day will be extended further from 6am to 1 am.

(3) The Working Week – Laziness is encouraged in the western world by allowing employees to rot in their own filth for two days every week. Those who do not slob around in their pits of apathy are encouraged to pursue pointless activities such as visiting family, extra-curricular activities, such as hobbies, and socialising and having fun. At Aggravators Incorporated we hate this kind of meaningless pastime – why should people be allowed to have a life outside of work? What can they possibly achieve? How will it help our business? It will not. Therefore, from 1st January 2011, the working week will be extended to seven days.

(4) Bank Holidays – Why are these pointless days called “Bank” Holidays when they lose money for corporations such as ours? Money cannot be earned having a day off decreed by a lazy government that encourages apathy amongst its citizens. We therefore defy the government and will from 1st January 2011 ban Bank Holidays including Easter, Christmas, New Years Day and those idiotic pagan days dreamt up by indolent peasants in the past.

(5) Sleeping – We acknowledge that our employees need to sleep (despite our attempts to keep them awake with caffeine and drugs) so we propose to install beds in all of our offices to maximise efficiency. The beds will in fact be chairs that can be tilted back. Furthermore, these beds will have built in alarm clocks that are preset to wake up the occupant at precisely 0558. Employees must log on within two minutes and start selling or they are given an electric shock. When the employee is alert, assistants will be on hand to complete the waking up process with copious amounts of monster strength coffee and Red Bull. This takes effect from 1st June 2010 because we have to wait for delivery of the chairs from a company that is so unreliable they allow their employees to work part time. Such practices should be made illegal.

(6) Toilets – Another source of inefficiency amongst employees is the need to answer the call of Mother Nature. Even we cannot combat this inefficiency in the design of the human being which means that we have to adjust our business practices to accommodate this flaw. Unfortunately the building we occupy is badly designed and the toilets are quite frankly too far away from the average employee. Sometimes it takes as long as ten minutes to use the facilities. How can a company make profit with such poor working practices? We are fighting back by installing toilet facilities inside the chair-beds described above. A strategically placed hole will be provided to allow employees to continue working while answering the call. Interruptions will be eliminated. Unfortunately we must wait for the apparatus to be installed – it is a travesty that we simply have to deal with these appalling companies. In the meantime, therefore we will be installing power points, wireless routers, fax machines, printers and video-conferencing facilities in all of our toilet cubicles until the chair-beds are adapted towards Quarter 3 in 2011.

(7) Coffee Breaks – We positively encourage our employees to consume as much coffee as possible to maintain their optimal brain capacity and processing ability throughout the working day. However, the act of preparing coffee is inefficient not to mention the time taken to walk to the kitchen. Furthermore, thanks to CCTV cameras installed in the kitchen, we have discovered that certain employees have been talking about subjects other than work. That is quite frankly scandalous and must be discouraged before it mutates into other fruitless pursuits such as discussing sport or the weather. Thankfully these skiving, lazy sub-humans have been dismissed and prosecuted for stealing resources from the company. To combat this, we will employ a system that delivers coffee and Red Bull on demand to the desk. To save even more time, a tube will be inserted into the employee’s mouth and the liquid fed in, eliminating the inefficient practice of picking up mug, thus making the employee even more capable. We hope to install the apparatus by June 1st 2011.

(8) Food – Another flaw in nature is the requirement to eat. This flaw is very damaging and encourages alarming inefficiency at many levels. We will therefore be installing a human based system that will allow employees to be spoon-fed three times a day. Sadly we have to employ lesser humans to fulfil this purpose – at least for the short term. Nevertheless, we are hoping that our innovation department will complete the design for the robot slave as soon as possible. The human food providers will be employed on January 1st 2010. The date for the robot slaves is unknown but initial estimates are encouraging – 1st January 2012.

(9) Sickness – Sickness is not permitted. Anybody who is so sick that they cannot achieve our 2000% targets will be dismissed immediately - unless they make up the hours.

(10) Profit – Profit is the goal of Aggravators Incorporated. We work, we earn and we aim to be the biggest global company generating the most cash for our shareholders. We have several schemes to claw in as much cash as we can get our hard-working hands on:

(a) Our customers are royalty and must be treated as such, with money being no object. However, we simply cannot encourage our employees to waste company money by splashing out on expensive meals, copious amounts of alcohol, cigars and lap-dancing bars for these scrounging thieving sub-human arses. Our employees must therefore pay for all entertainment costs themselves, while at the same time spending as much money as possible to encourage our customers to give us their cash. This new expense regime comes into effect on 1st January 2010.

(b) Employees are sometimes sent away on business and while this is a necessary part of corporate life, we simply cannot allow such practices to gouge a massive hole in our finances. Therefore from 1st January 2010 all employees who are expected to go on business must pay for hire cars, petrol, fuel, flight tickets, taxis, food, hotels – everything in fact – from their own pockets.

(c) Our company is the best company in the world. Our employees earn an average of £200,000 per annum. However we feel that our employees are fortunate to work at Aggravators Incorporated and therefore must pay for the privilege. We therefore charge each employee the sum of £150,000 per annum for the privilege. We propose to increase profit by raising this employee contribution to £175,000 starting from January 1st 2010.

As you can see, we aim to become the most profitable and richest company in the world. Aggravators Incorporated is already a household name and you can perhaps see why we are such a wonderful company.

Please come to work for us. We are struggling to recruit for reasons that we cannot fathom.

We’re desperate …


River said...

> <

That is all.

Kath Lockett said...

Crikey! I didn't realise my old employer had expanded to the UK!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

'nuff said.




Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Thankfully I don't work for Aggravators Inc. - but I know people who do ...