Monday 7 December 2009

Never Trust ...

Never trust people who have a single eyebrow

Never trust people whose eyebrows are a different colour from their hair

Never trust politicians (particularly when speaking)

Never trust anybody who gives you a “vote of confidence”

Never trust anybody who doesn’t like garlic – they may be a vampire

Never trust a skinny chef

Never trust a man who says your wife is beautiful to everybody but you

Never trust a cat with a wagging tail

Never trust anybody who wants to climb the corporate ladder in record time

Never trust those who blame everything on global warming

Never trust Alsatian dogs

Never trust a banker

Never trust an art critic

Never trust Simon Cowell

Never trust anybody who has anything to do with the legal profession

Never trust anybody who tries to give you something for nothing

Never trust a spider, particularly if it is in your bedroom as you are about to sleep

Never trust a car salesman

Never trust a hairdresser with mad hair

Never trust Captain Kirk when he suggests visiting a new planet, particularly if you are wearing a red top (unless your name is Montgomery Scott)

Never trust a your boss when he says “can I have a quick word?” at 4pm on a Friday afternoon

Never trust a celebrity who has to go on a reality TV show

Never trust a fat dietician

Never trust a man who wants to buy you a beer on your stag party

Never trust a smiling traffic warden

Never trust anybody who says “trust me – I know what I’m doing”

Never trust an offer that is too good to be true

Never trust a vegetarian who chastises you for being a carnivore

Never trust weathermen

Never trust anybody who insists on giving themselves a pretentious job title (e.g. a painter who calls himself a “Colour Distribution Technician”)

Never trust a wasp – it WILL sting you. Kill it!

Never trust an email that offers anything free

Never trust a fart

Never trust a snake

Never trust a gambler

Never trust the Joker

Never trust a TV chef

Never trust anybody who has a double-barrelled surname like “St John-Smythe”

Never trust a man whose name is pronounced differently from the spelling (for example Menzies Campbell insists his name is “Ming” - and never trust Ming the Merciless either)

Never trust a person whose TV is bigger than their lounge

Never trust anybody who is over ten years older than you

Never trust those who moan all the time

Never trust someone who smiles when giving you bad news

Never trust an estate agent

Never trust Wile E Coyote

Never trust a smiling viper

Never trust a person who uses phrases like “step up to the plate”

Never trust a dentist with bad teeth

Never trust a man who wears pink to “stay in touch with his feminine side”

Never trust a person who refuses to look you in the eye

Never trust anything you read in a tabloid newspaper

Never trust a woman who begins a sentence with “I’m not being funny but …”

Never trust a person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every couple of months

Never trust your eyes when it is dark

Never trust a Klingon, unless he is called Worf

Never trust a lion

Never trust anybody who doesn’t like a good curry

Never trust Darth Vader

Never trust a tall man with a squeaky voice

Never trust a bear

Never trust a person who takes life too seriously

Never trust a Plastic Mancunian

Always trust yourself


Kath Lockett said...

Never trust a list

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Kath,





River said...

"never trust a person who refuses to look you in the eye"
Hmmm, I have terrible trouble making eye contact, especially with people I don't know who insist on getting right in my face when speaking to me. It goes back to when I was very small and my mum insisted on looking into my eyes claiming that there was a tiny man in there who danced around if I was lying. Since I "enthusiastically expanded" most of my stories of what I had done that day, I usually avoided eye contact.
Never trust a person who says "you choose"
Alsatians on the other hand are fine. I've lived with 4 of them in my lifetime so far. You do mean the dogs? Not people from the Alsace region in France?

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

I have a confession to make - I really struggle to make eye contact too - but that's because I am fundamentally shy. I force myself to do so though but it is uncomfortable. See? Never trust a Plastic Mancunian.


As for Alsatians - I mean the dogs! I've had five bad experiences with dogs in my life and four of them were with Alsatians. I don't trust them and I never will.

I DO love most other dogs though.




Reviewer11 said...

LOL I remember that show. "Sledge Hammer." My brother used to love that show.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Reviewer11,

Yes - Sledge Hammer was so funny. One of the better comedies to make it to the UK from across the pond.




bingkee said...

Oh I was just joking when I said, "never trust this list"---sorry if that offended you. I thought you could get that joke as what also Kath Lockett (your 1st commenter) joked.I'm sorry about that. I thought it was kinda humorous to say, "never trust this list" as because your list was also full of humor.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Bingkee,

The list is meant to be funny and I rarely (if ever) take offence at anything. I'm so laid back I end up lying down most of the time ;-)

As I said - "Never trust a Plastic Mancunian"




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Bingkee,

The list is meant to be funny and I rarely (if ever) take offence at anything. I'm so laid back I end up lying down most of the time ;-)

As I said - "Never trust a Plastic Mancunian"




A Blog In The Rough said...

Dear Mr P Mancunian,

I've got a problem with your list, you see my bf is 11 years older than I, now what do I do?!

-signed The Delawarean

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi there Lady from Delaware,

How are you?

Hmmm I didn't realise Mark was 11 years older than you. But what's a year anyway?

Also, as I have said, there are two reasons why you shouldn't trust me:

(1) I am the Plastic Mancunian (penultimate item in the list)
(2) If Mark is 11 years older than you, that makes me 13 years older than you, making me even MORE untrustworthy.




Mind Of Mine said...

HAHA I fucking love this.

I have been looking for decent Manc blog..


Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Mind Of Mine,

Thank you very much.