Wednesday 11 November 2009

Astrology For Pets

My cats are fish.

Actually, that absurd statement is slightly misleading. Allow me to clarify it; my cats, Jasper and Poppy are Piscean cats.

When we acquired our cats, from the Cat Protection League, the woman who handed them over to us (after reading us the riot act and lecturing us on how to look after cats) told us that they were born on March 16th.

Of course, I couldn’t give two hoots but Mrs PM remembers their birthday every year. Why? Beats me! If we bought them a present, they would simply ignore it anyway. However, she does appear on the morning of their birthday and sings “Happy Birthday To You” to our stunned pets.

I’ll bet you are wondering why I am telling you the star signs of my feline masters? Why would you care?

I do have a reason; the other day I stumbled across the concept of pet horoscopes.

I am not joking and I swear I am not making this up. I discovered several web sites that tell you what’s in store for your pet dog or cat based on its date of birth. When I first saw it, I honestly thought it was a complete wind up. And I laughed. Boy, did I laugh. In fact, I’m still laughing at the moment.

Are these people serious?

I don’t want to regurgitate the exact words in case I breach some bizarre copyright but here are a few personality qualities for Piscean pets:

Your Piscean cat must have a diamond studded collar.

Piscean cats are very intuitive.

Piscean dogs are very confused.

Piscean dogs love walking on the beach.

Piscean cats are had to predict and are a wandering whirlwind of fur.

Take your Piscean cat to a beauty parlour.

Piscean dogs are excellent judges of character.

Piscean dogs are accident prone.

Your Piscean cat loves water

Your Piscean pet is often ill.

Your Piscean cat lives in a fantasy world of his own and has a vivid imagination.

Piscean cats are philanthropists

Piscean cats are full of self-sacrifice

Have I entered a crazy parallel universe? Who believes this nonsense? Am I alone in thinking that all this is the warped fantasy of a mind almost as weird as my own?

I would say words fail me but I am so incredulous that I can’t help pouring scorn on this bilge.

How on earth can Piscean cats love water? Cats absolutely detest water. This is an irrefutable fact that has been documented in many cartoons.

Are these people trying to tell me that roughly one twelfth of the cats in the world harbour a deep primeval desire to hurl themselves into the nearest river?

What utter nonsense.

As I stumbled through these predictions, I began to wonder whether cat horoscopes were restricted to the domestic variety. What about the big cats?

Can you imagine an accident prone lion? How about a panther with a vivid imagination? An intuitive lynx? Can you picture a tiger that loves a swim? A leopard who is a philanthropist, perhaps.

It is beyond belief.

Here is the horoscope for this week for Jasper and Poppy. And I say again – I am not making this up (again paraphrased):

How fantastic it is to dream about your fantasies and the plans to turn them into reality both for yourself and your loved ones. You will need your owner’s assistance but, be warned, everyone is in an extreme mood so you may fall at the first hurdle. Don’t worry about such delays as friends are anxious to deal with situations that they feel strongly about. Your turn will come. Your housemate has his own dreams and he needs to concentrate on them for the time being.

We’re talking about cats – bloody cats for crying out loud. If either of my cats could read, they too would dismiss this crap. I am certain of that. I can just imagine the cat conversation:

Jasper: Pops – have you read our horoscope.

Poppy: What’s a horoscope?

Jasper: I don’t know but I was trying to get that tight-fisted arse who blunders around our house to give me some more food, when I spotted him laughing at that computer thing he’s always messing about with.

Poppy: That scary thing, you mean?

Jasper: Everything’s scary for you. Anyway, I started to read over his shoulder and it said that I need his help to make my fantasies come true.

Poppy: You don’t mean ...

Jasper: Yes - my dream to fill this house with an endless supply of tuna fish and catnip and for that great oaf to let me sleep for 23 hours a day instead of the 20 hours I have to live with at the moment. I yearn to hunt mice in the house and consign that dog next door to the great kennel in the sky. And I want to be able to crap in the house - preferably on the oaf's bed.

Poppy: Dream on, you fat idiot. The only thing the oaf does is wobble about the house like a pink elephant, scaring me and ranting about those little people he sees on that big box in the lounge. He’s useless. He wouldn’t help you even if he could.

Jasper: That’s what I thought. Horoscopes are utter bilge aren’t they?

My star sign is Libra and apparently I’m a romantic, indecisive flirt. All this twaddle has made me wonder whether Libran cats are as indecisive as I am, or whether male Libran moggies are romantic and buy flowers for their ladyfriends. I can’t help but picture that Tom and Jerry cartoon where Tom falls in love with the beautiful she-kitty next door. I am willing to bet that Tom is a Libran cat.

Also, would a Libran cat sit there in the garden watching a bird and a mouse and consume hours of time trying to decide which one to catch? I very much doubt it – a Libran cat would probably starve to death.

I struggle to believe my own horoscope so imagine my reaction to this craziness.

I’m sure that some people assume that it is a bit of fun – and maybe it is. I certainly had fun reading these horoscopes for pets, mainly because I am certain that there are people in the world who believe that their moggy can be adversely affected by the moon rising in Uranus.


Kath Lockett said...

It's all utter vomit. I absolutely refuse to believe (despite being a sexy, ruthless Scorpio) that I'm the same as one twelfth of the population.

Same goes for Chinese New Year animals too. There is NO WAY that I am like every single other person in my year at school! I didn't eat boogers off my finger, MATTHEW did!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Kath,

I absolutely agree. Sadly, Mrs PM believes this tripe and frequently uses the so-called personality traits of Libra to "predict" and "explain" my weird behaviour.

And now she's started doing it for the cats!!




P.S. I believe you about the boogers! ;-)

River said...

I don't believe this stuff either, but I read it everyday anyway. It's good for a laugh at least. All the bad stuff predicted isn't for me anyway, it's for every other Leo out there.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

I'm looking forward to a horoscope that is so awful for Librans that 1/12 of the population of humans, cats, dogs and other creatures who share my star sign have no choice but to stay in and hide under the duvet.

Sadly it won't happen.




Robin Easton said...

Hey dear PM, This is hysterical!! And so so true. I have friends who leave messages on my answering machine and they are in tears and freaked out because they just read their horoscope in the morning paper and take it as the literal truth.

Rubbish, I say! LOL!!

I avoid news papers and horoscopes and go about my life embracing all the folly of the wild and crazed Sagittarius that I am. LOLOL!!! I refuse to be harnessed into a mere 3 line horoscope from a rag mag.

Aaah, the freedom of being horoscope ignorant!! I LOVE IT!!! :))))

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Robin,

You've expressed my feeling so well.

On the odd occasion when Mrs PM reads my horoscope to me and its bad ("Don't Leave Home, Librans") - I say "Bring It On!" and leap into the world with added gusto.

It's all poppycock!!!