The Female Of The Species (Part Two) - Products

I am holding a tiny tube of goo that looks like toothpaste. On the tube it says “Exfoliant Visage Active Face Scrub”. The goo is white and it smells slightly of perfume. Mrs PM gave it to me a few months ago. I remember the conversation we had.

“What is it?” I said.

“A free sample I got when I bought some moisturiser,” she replied. “Take a closer look.”

I spotted two words that sent a shiver of dread through my entire body; “FOR MEN”

The fact that it was a free sample that came with moisturiser told me that it was a “product”; and Mrs PM thinks that it is time that I started using “products”.

At my age? Is she serious?

Thankfully she has forgotten about the tube of goo and it has gathered dust at the back of the bathroom cabinet safely hidden behind the million other “products” owned by Mrs PM. I have not used it yet and I have no intention of doing so. I am risking life and limb to write this post; if Mrs PM comes back and catches me holding the goo she will make me use it.

Anyway, the goo comes with a leaflet that tells me how to use it. I mean COME ON! It’s goo that, presumably, you rub on your face. How do I know? Because the name of the goo has the word “Face” in its description. As for the other words …

“Exfoliating” – I don’t even know what that word means. Hang on – I’ll look it up. Here we go. The verb “exfoliate” means “to remove in flakes or scales; to peel”. So this stuff is used to help me peel layers of skin from my face? And the stuff is described as “Face Scrub”? So does that mean that if I use it I will end up scrubbing layer after layer of flesh from my face? If I sit in the sun for three hours I can burn skin off my face – albeit two days later.

There is obviously some confusion on my part. Thankfully the tube of goo has a user guide for ignorant men like myself (because after all we are all thick aren’t we?). Here’s what it says:

(1) WHY? To give skin a fresh “new” feeling. Double action resurfacing and polishing microspheres lift impurities while Grindelia extract helps restore its natural balance.

What on earth are “polishing microspheres”? I feel like I’m reading the instructions for removing barnacles from the bottom of a boat. And what the hell is “Grindelia”? This is what Wikipedia says:

Grindelia is a genus of plants native to the Americas with bright yellow flowers indigenous to much of the United States. It is commonly called curlycup gumweed.

Curlycup Gumweed? Are they serious????

(2) WHEN? Use once or twice a week for clear healthy-looking skin. For all skin types.

I don’t even know what my skin type is. Pale white and a little wrinkly

(3) HOW? Apply to damp skin, avoiding the eye area. Gently smooth across skin without pulling. Rinse with warm water.

There is no way I would allow “polishing microspheres” to come within a foot of my eyes thank you very much.

Mrs PM’s bathroom cabinet most of our bedroom in fact are full of “products” and contraptions for applying the “products”. There are tweezers, scissors, plastic blobs, huge quantities of cotton wool and tons of makeup. There are bottles of liquids, tubes of gunk and all manner of sponges and even rocks (Yes guys – ROCKS!). Here is a small list of the gunk in our house:

Facial scrub, deep cleansing lotion, some kind of weird rock, shampoo, conditioner, mineral bath, body scrub, revitalising smoothing masque, deep cleansing clay masque, bath soak, baby lotion, eye make-up solvent, alcohol-free toner, body lotion, toning cream, lip balm, complete care day cream, moisture surge treatment, turnaround cream, deodorants (plural!), all-in-one face base, face brush, blush, make-up base, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, various odd sized and shaped sponges, lipsticks (hundreds of them), cream shadow, sun cream, perfume (again hundreds of them), styling mousse, energising body spray, firming cream, bust beauty lotion, hair gel, hair wax, hair spray and a mud mask.

And that's only a partial list!

What's worse is that I can't even begin to tell you what most of these things are actually for. What on earth would you use turnaround cream for? Whenever I think about it my imagination runs amok.

If Mrs PM had her way she would have me using the new “products” that cosmetic companies are trying to shame men into using.

But I don’t want to. I don’t want to exfoliate my face with scrubbing cream. I don’t want to moisturize my crow’s feet with a rock. I don’t want to use turnaround cream or expose my flesh to a moisture surge. I have survived 45 years without them and I plan to do so for the next 45 years, by which time I will no longer care whether my face looks like an explosion in a wrinkle factory.

Anyway, I’d better go and hide this goo before Mrs PM gets back, otherwise I may be posting next time with an exfoliated face, in which case you probably won’t recognise me.