Brilliant!

Sometimes I can be a bloody idiot and when that happens I get really frustrated. For example, when I break something, lose my keys or forget something important. I am a little bit of a perfectionist and when such things happen I chastise myself for my carelessness and stupidity. 

And then I tell everybody about it either on this blog or in real life. 

Why do I do this? Because I like self-deprecation and I find humour in it, including when the perpetrator of such misdemeanours is myself. I used to entertain people in my office with such antics, either accidentally or sometimes on purpose. 

Picture the scene. 

I am working in a peaceful open plan office, which incidentally includes my boss. Everyone is working away in pure silence, the levels of concentration are so tangible that you could shake their hands.

For my part, I am staring at a piece of software that refuses to cooperate. Every time I run the code, it misbehaves and throws up an error. I have drunk countless cups of tea and as the hours have passed I have been metaphorically (and maybe actually) pulling out bits of hair. I have stared at the code, looked at the software environment and even thought about blaming others (something I try not to do). 

What on earth is wrong? Why can’t I see it? 

And then suddenly, out of the blue, I see something. I see a typing error where I have accidentally written a zero instead of an “O”. This is an easy mistake to make even for the most brilliant programmer.

Now you would have thought that I would be happy with that – and the truth is that I am. However, I have temporarilyy lost my sanity, my sense of perception and forgotten where I am and possibly even who I am. 

“YOU BLOODY IDIOT! YOU ABSOLUTE MORONIC CRETIN!” I bellow at a high volume, thrusting my face into my hands.

These words shatter the silence and when I hear my own words my sanity returns hand in hand with my perception and I know exactly where and who I am. My dignity flies off in a different direction to hide for the rest of the week. 

 I slowly lower my hands and look at the office. Every pair of eyes is staring at me. Some are chuckling; some have a look of concern and others are aghast with incredulity – including my boss.

“I’m so sorry,” I say with genuine contrition.

Most people roll their eyes and shake their heads before going back to work. The chucklers immediately start ribbing me. 

“We’ve been telling you that for years, Dave”.

“It’s taken you this long to find out?”

“So you’ve found one of the many bugs in your code then have you, Dave?”

I can take it. I know they are joking and I also know that I am blushing slightly which, for a person as pale as I am is a significant event. I look like a bright red Belisha beacon with glasses. 

Really it makes me think that perhaps I was too hard on myself. Of course I know that I am not really an idiot, a moron or a cretin. I know that I have done my job for forty years and generally (apart from a few cock-ups) I have done okay. 

In fact on quite a few occasions I have been brilliant. 

The truth is that so have most of my work colleagues. I have been in awe of the some of the people I have worked with over the years and each and every one of them (with a few notable exceptions) has done exactly the same as I have and questioned their own intelligence in the most derogatory displays of self-deprecation I have ever witnessed. 

There is something about certain people that prohibits them from singing their own praises. I am very guilty of this. I genuinely don’t say “I am brilliant” and I don’t think I have ever uttered those words. I used to work with loads of people who were the same as me. 

Of course I have worked with people who consider themselves to be the best of the best, even when they aren’t and such people are the complete opposite of me. 

I would never do that. 

When somebody blows their own trumpet constantly and never admits that they are wrong I am always suspicious of whether they are just arrogant or just narcissistic. Some of them are both. 

In recent years I have always given praise where praise is due. I’ve said things like:

“You are an absolute star!”

“Thanks so much for helping me; I wouldn’t have worked that out in a million years!”

Sometimes just a simple “Oh thanks man! That’s really helpful!” is all that is required. 

I’m a fairly modest guy but when people say such things to me, I get a little warm feeling in my core that brings a faint smile to my face. 

I don’t think that people show their appreciation of others often enough. There are certain industries that are exceptions, such as actors who love to say things like “Oh you were wonderful daaaaaarrrrrrrllllllingggg!” but in my former industry it was a rare occurrence. 

Managers are the worst offenders and really they should be the ones who do this the most to make their subordinates feel good about themselves. There are exceptions of course  (and if you are reading this and know me – you know exactly who you are) but I have always found such people to be a rarity. 

And while it is good to tell other people that they are brilliant, it is also good to realise that you yourself are brilliant. This is a major flaw of mine because I rarely admit that sometimes I am quite good at what I do. I am more likely to say the opposite even though others have endorsed my skills and appreciated them. 

I must try harder to tell myself that I can be brilliant. I will continue to tell others that they are brilliant too (unless I am taking the mickey of course). 

The caveat of course is that I will also continue the self-deprecation because I find it amusing myself. 

I’ll leave you with somebody who finds everything brilliant. 

Goodbye 2024

As we approach the end of 2024, it is time for me to reflect on the year just passed and think ahead to the new year and 2025. It’s quite amazing when you consider that it has been 25 years since the turn of the millennium. That year was iconic in many ways due to it being the end of a millennium, the end of a century and a year where certain ill-informed people thought that a computer bug was going to bring about utter chaos and the world was going to end with aircraft falling from the sky and all of your electrical and electronic equipment trying to murder you in scenes reminiscent of the Terminator. 

Of course none of that happened and people like me who worked with computers for a living knew it wouldn’t happen. 

What is even more surprising is that it was all a quarter of a century ago. I was a young man (if you count 37 years old as young) and 2025 was so far ahead that I barely gave it any thought. Nevertheless, a lot has changed in those 25 years; for example I am now an old git aged 62 years. 

Anyway, I digress. I am resurrecting some questions that will help me both summarise the past year and look forward to the next one. 

1. What did you do in 2024 that you’d never done before?

I retired. I know that people only retire once, usually, but this is significant because 2024 marked 40 years since I left university and keenly (and naively) joined the rat race like an excited young puppy. Those 40 years had their ups and downs and I can now look back on them with a mixture of happiness and gratitude. Granted, the last few years were not that fulfilling and I moaned like a grumpy old man as I approached the end. The company didn’t really want me to retire and I was asked to delay it a couple of times but my mind was made up.

I am also a bit of a perfectionist and I waited until September so that I could retire exactly 40 years after I started. 

During my retirement speech (it wasn’t a big one) I was positive about me career, saying that although I really wanted to retire, a big part of me would miss the people I worked with and the opportunities it gave me. And the words I spoke were true and sincere. 

Nevertheless, I am delighted that I did it and I am looking forward to 2025 with renewed vigour.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did keep most of them but it was easy because really it was more of the same things I have been working in. I won’t bore you with what they were as I have mentioned them numerous times. 

For 2025, I have a slightly different plan which I will be reviewing in the next week or so but involves a more refined routine given that I now have more time on my hands. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year although some friends of mine became grandparents again.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, I have had a year free of funerals. 

5. What countries did you visit?

It was quite a good year for travel this year. I went to Spain twice (Gran Canaria and Menorca), France (Nice),  Greece (Skiathos), Hungary (Budapest) and Czechia (Prague). 

I enjoyed all of them.

6. What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024?

It would be nice to have a better summer than the past year or two. Global warming means that we have decent temperatures but that combined with the UK’s geographical position means that we end up with more than our fair share of rain generally. We do have great years where we have hardly any rain but my nation is never happy. When it’s too hot and sunny people say “I wish we had more rain!” and of course when it rains they say “What happened to our summer?”.

Make your minds up, fellow Brits. 

7. What dates from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Thursday 12th September – the day I retired.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don’t want to labour the point but I think retirement is a bit of an achievement. You could argue that it isn’t really because people have to retire eventually but looking back I am proud that I managed 40 years in the rat race without going completely bonkers.

Also, I’ve tried to be more positive this year and it has worked. My method? Simple – do not get involved in or think about politics!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Okay – I will come clean. Despite my answer to the previous question I have thought about politics once or twice and ranted mercilessly. I’m getting better though. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had a rather nasty virus a couple of weeks ago that resulted in a totally blocked nose and chesty cough for about two weeks. I was fine but it was very annoying and was a little too close to my trip to Prague. Thankfully I recovered in time. Sadly it jumped to Mrs PM shortly after our trip and she wasn’t best pleased. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A synthesiser. I mentioned it in my previous post so I won’t go into too much detail. I am looking forward to playing with it in 2025. 

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

As usual, I award Plastic Mancunian Knighthoods to those heroes who dedicate their lives to helping others without wanting the plaudits that many more famous people crave.

I salute you all - you know who you are.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Okay – I said above that I don’t want to mention or get involved in politics but I will try to hold myself back. Basically we managed to finally get rid of the Conservative Party in this year’s election but Nigel bloody Farage was still around and managed to con a constituency into electing him as an MP. 

And Elon Musk I have a message for you. Keep your big nose out of British politics.

The less said about Donald Trump the better. 

Oh – and of course mad Vladimir Putin.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Holidays as usual. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I wasn’t particularly excited about anything other than going on holiday and seeing a few bands around the city. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2024?

The new song that will remind me of the year is Powernerd by the great Devin Townsend. 

However, two older songs by rediscovered artists that I have ben into this year are worth a mention too. The first is Breathe by The Stranglers:

The second involves Alison Goldfrapp (from the band Goldfrapp) working with Norwegian electronic duo Röyksopp to produce this lovely tune called Impossible:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

I am much, much happier. 

I am about the same in terms of weight and body shape (perhaps a little greyer I think with a couple of more wrinkles).

I am probably less well off – but I don’t care.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I was quite happy with the balance struck this year to be honest. I have got myself into a new routine and it seems to work. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. I was a little perturbed about retiring until I actually did it. I had nothing to worry about but that’s easy to say. 

20. How will you spend New Year's Eve?

We are going out with some friends for a New Year’s Eve party. It should be fun.

21. Did you fall in love in 2024?

I was already in love. 

22. What was your favourite TV program?

There are quite a few that I liked. I saw enjoyed the three new Walking Dead spin-off series, the Boys, Sense8, Snowpiercer and I am currently enjoying reruns of Stargate SG1 (I have never seen it before) Also I am watching reruns of a comedy show in the UK called Taskmaster which I have also never seen before where a group of comedians take on ridiculous and humiliating tasks in the name of humour. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I struggle with this because I don’t believe in hatred of a human being. I have to say that Nigel Farage pushes that belief to the absolute limit and the worst thing in the human frog is still around. And Donald Trump tests my resolve too.

24. What was the best book you read?

I’m currently about to finish a post-apocalyptic science fiction series called Under the Breaking Sky which is quite entertaining. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I’ve been listening to a lot of songs by a prog band called The Pineapple Thief having discovered them towards the end of 2023. However, this year has been a year of rediscovery with artists like The Stranglers, Ayreon, Goldfrapp, Queensryche (post Geoff Tate) and Rob Zombie.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted a synthesiser and got one (but slightly earlier than I had anticipated). 

27. What did you want and not get?

More holidays? I spent too much money on travelling as it is but I could have done more. 

28. What was your favourite film of this year?

I really enjoyed Deadpool and Wolverine. It was a good laugh.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 62 years old. I ended up in Budapest with my old university buddies just before (the timing was perfect for that I guess) and when I returned I went out for a meal with Mrs PM on the day itself.  

30. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Do I have to say this again? Retirement. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024?

Non-existent. I do not understand fashion at all and my fashion sense is dictated by two things.. First, Mrs PM has the final say on things I wear because (and I quote) “I’m the one who’s got to look at you and be out with you – even if you DON’T care!”. Second, the shops themselves. The places I buy clothes do tend to follow the latest trends so I would have to go out of my way to buy something eccentric and weird if I was that way inclined. 

32. What kept you sane?

Mrs PM keeps me sane. 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

The same ones as the last few years. I am a man of simple taste but too old to care too much. 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I am trying to avoid politics but as I said above I was delighted that we finally have a new party in government even if Farage is still hovering around like a putrid smell. 

35. Who did you miss?

Nobody leaps to mind. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Again, nobody leaps to mind. 

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024.

Always plan your retirement. Mine took several years and I think I timed it perfectly. 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I love my coffee I drink it to keep sane

If I cannot have it then I cannot play the game

Will not play the game

'Cause the game is just fucking stupid

And finally...

I wish everyone who stumbles across this blog post a very happy and fruitful 2025. May all your wishes come true – unless your name is Nigel Farage.

The Music Monkey

I have a new enemy in my war against procrastination – my piano. 

I once read a book that suggests that in order to motivate yourself you should make claims about yourself to motivate you to be the person you claim to be. I think that is nonsense, because by that token I can claim to be a pianist. 

I am not a pianist. What I can say is that I am a very bad pianist who can play very simple tunes but mostly makes silly mistakes that frustrate me to the point where I feel like getting up and walking away forever. 

Nevertheless, in my war against procrastination, I have managed, somehow to find some willpower that I didn’t think I possessed. When I walk upstairs I see the back room and there, taunting me, is my piano and I can see it through the open door. It says to me:

“Come and have a play if you think you’re good enough”.

And to be fair, I have started doing that more often. I am a big fan of routine and habits and this has helped me in my battles with procrastination. One habit I have created is to play the piano daily – and it works. Well – when I say “play the piano daily” what I really mean is “try to play the piano daily” or “play the piano like a blind baboon daily”.

It is working. Slowly but surely, I am actually improving. I can play simple versions of tunes like “Greensleeves”, “O Sole Mio”, “Little Brown Jug”, “The Can-can” and “Scarborough Fair” – sometimes without any mistakes. 

Learning to play the piano was meant to be a retirement hobby but I got so excited by the idea that I started three years before I actually retired. Mrs PM can play a little too (she had some lessons as a child) and she plays fairly regularly too. She is much better than I am. 

And now that I am retired, I can in theory spend more time learning. 

My big plan and goal was to learn the piano and perhaps start creating some music of my own. I consider this to be a project rather than anything more serious. And before I retired I thought at some point I could invest in a synthesiser and perhaps have some fun making mp3’s via my laptop. 

Then two things happened. 

First, I have a friend, an ex-colleague who retired some years ago who told me that he his making music. I was interested and then amazed when he told me that he had published it on Spotify under the name Methyl Orange. I went home and discovered that he had recorded two albums at that point. And now he has a total of four albums. 

Here is one from his latest album:

The second thing that happened was that my company decided to buy me a retirement gift. I opted to leap ahead and I chose this little beast:

I have spent some time in the last three months getting used to it. It is a surprisingly complicated device with a program menu that you can easily get lost in. I also know nothing about the various electronic music terms that are required to use such a device, things like MIDI, “Attack/Decay/Sustain/Release”, Envelopes, Gain, Oscillators – the list goes on. 

But, dear reader, I am getting hooked. And I think I need to sit down and learn the terminology before I can get further anyway. That said, I have had a play with my new gadget and my knowledge is increasing to the point where I have managed to produce some weird musical snippets that actually sound okay (in my view). 

Being a technophile, I now need to wrestle with the geek within who wants to blindly dive into the world of electronic music, and the creative person who wants to learn the piano, I am sensible though and I realise that learning the piano is the mandatory precursor to learning the synthesiser. I can however work in parallel to a certain extent. To be honest, anybody can make a synthesiser tune with little musical knowledge but it is so much better if you have the musical knowledge of how to play the piano. 

You may think that this is where the story ends. It’s not. 

There is a third component that is also important. This is software that runs on your laptop and is called a Digital Audio Workshop (or DAW for short), which enables you to record songs, mix songs and add even more effects. You can do things like play a guitar via your keyboard, the guitar being a “virtual instrument”. This opens up a whole universe of music creativity. Also there is so much to the DAW – it is a complicated tool. 

Here is a demo of a DAW:

I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface yet. I need to improve my piano playing as a priority, I need to learn how to use my synthesiser properly, I need to get to grips with electronic music production, effects etc. and I need to learn about DAW that I have installed. 

I am quite pleased that I have a technical background. I think I’m going to need it. 

Mind you, AI could come to my rescue. I posted about the possibility of becoming a lazy blogger by allowing ChatGPT to write my blog posts for me. You can read about it here:

The Fake Plastic Mancunian 

There are websites out there that will write songs for you that you can use on podcasts, websites etc.

I did try a demo on a website called Soundraw and asked it to write an ambient song. It actually wrote six of them for me. Had I not been a tight-fisted old git and actually put my hand in my pocket I could have paid for the songs and shown them to you. 

You can of course try it yourself for free to see what I mean.

I will post my progress on this blog whether I succeed or not. At the moment I want to try to create something myself rather than trying to be lazy and letting AI do it for me. 

It's quite exciting and a little bit scary because what I thought of as a simple  and this project of my has, in the words of an ex-colleague of mine, “grown arms and legs”. 

How am I going to find time to write, learn languages and create music? 

It’s a tough dilemma to have – but an enjoyable one. 

More Me

Welcome to a quite warm but wet South Manchester on a late Sunday afternoon. Let’s just dive into a couple of silly questions from Sunday Stealing, shall we? 

1. What was the last song you listened to?

That would be a cover of the Rolling Stones song, Sympathy for the Devil. The band covering it is Motörhead and it is actually very good.

2. What is your favourite thing about the place you live?

Manchester is a vibrant city with great people and I love it here. I live in the south of the city and it is not far from the Cheshire countryside and easily commutable via train or car to other great places like Chester, Liverpool, the Lake District, the Peak District, Wales and Yorkshire. 

We also live not far from Manchester International airport from where we can fly to many places directly. 

Also, if we fancy popping down to London, it is about two hours on a fast train. 

I like the convenience of the city and the fact that we can escape to the country in a short time – and even further afield via the airport. 

3. What is your earliest childhood memory?

That’s a tough one. I remember a few things, like some of the early toys I was bought and a giant inflatable plastic thing that looked like a punch bag. It used to sit next to my pram apparently but we had it for years and both my sisters inherited it from me. There are so many things but I can’t quite put a timeline on them. 

Here, for your amusement, is a picture of my and my massively blond curls when I was probably about 2 years old. My mum’s parents lived next door so we spent a lot of time there, as you can imagine. In the photo I am outside an outside workshop that my grandad had built all by himself. At the time he was a retired bus mechanic and he basically couldn’t stop building and making things and that workshop was where a lot of the magic happened. Incidentally, somewhere out there a friend of my mum’s had a lock of that fuzzy mass in a presentation case because she thought my hair was “beautiful”. I wonder what happened to it?

3. If you could be any animal, what would you be?

I would probably opt to be a seagull. They are big birds and they live by the sea – but best of all they are famous for stealing food from people. I would have a lot of fun.

4. Who do you trust the most in your life?

Mrs PM and my sister.

5. How many languages can you say "hello" in?

English, French, German, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, Russian, Czech, Chinese and Japanese (and possibly more?).

6. What is your favourite kind of weather?

A sunny day with a few clouds in the sky and a temperature of between 22 and 30 degrees Celsius (72 and 86 degrees Fahrenheit).

7. How did you discover that Santa wasn't real and how old were you?

I recall seeing my dad sneak into my room on Christmas Eve with a bag full of presents when I was about five or six. The next day he tried to pretend that Father Christmas had left them downstairs because there wasn’t a chimney in my bedroom so he had had to bring them upstairs. I had already been asking questions like “How does Father Christmas get around the whole world in one night?” and this episode was one step too far.

8. What is the best feeling in the world?

Sitting on a balcony overlooking the sea next to a deserted beach in a foreign country with temperatures within the goldilocks zone mentioned in question 6, sipping a cold beer with a few nibbles next to me, whilst listening to some great music. 

9. What is your favourite colour?

Teal.

10. Is there a language you would love to learn?

I am currently learning Spanish and refreshing my French. I would love to refresh my German and also have a go at Italian. I think Italian sounds amazing. 

11. How do you feel about reality TV?

I hate 99% of it. The only show I can tolerate is the British version of The Apprentice. The British equivalent has Lord Alan Sugar doing the honours and the only reason I watch it is to see pretentious wannabe entrepreneurs with egos the size of Wales trying to lie and fumble their way (badly) through tasks. During the later, the candidates that are left are interviewed by Alan Sugar’s “trusted advisors” and those interviews are brutal, particularly when they involve a guy called Claude Littner. Have a look and a laugh at this:

12. Did you ever skip school when you were a kid?

No. My attendance was perfect apart from when I was poorly. 

13. What is your least favourite food?

Rhubarb. It is disgusting and even typing the word out makes me feel nauseous. 

14. Do you have a good luck charm?

No – I’m not a superstitious person at all. Such trinkets will make no difference at all to your luck. 

I don’t mind people having them though. If you are such a person and you believe in good luck charms and you think they actually bring you good luck then that’s absolutely fine by me. 

Me, Myself and I

Welcome to another dull Autumn day here in South Manchester. It was a bit drizzly on my walk this morning but now the weather seems to have improved; I can actually see the sun and some blue sky. 

Let’s dive into some silly questions from Sunday Stealing, shall we? 

1. When do I feel most authentically myself

That’s a good question and one that it difficult to answer. I guess it is when I am with close friends and of course Mrs PM. They all know exactly what I am like and they all accept the real me so I can let the barriers down to a certain extent to allow them to see the real me. Don’t get me wrong, when I am in the company of other people who I don’t know so well, they usually get a glimpse of the real me but I am a little reluctant to unleash the real Plastic Mancunian on them – at least until I get to know them better. 

2. What I'm thankful for today

I am thankful that I am retired. I am enjoying it. 

3. A memory I hope I never forget

I have a fairly good memory despite the fact that I am getting older. Mrs PM is always remarking upon trivialities that I recall. I don’t want to forget any happy memories, whether that means my kids, holidays or past events that have made me happy. No particular one memory leaps to mind; they are all important.

4. Other ways I connect with long distant friends

I usually connect with people using WhatsApp these days. I do use things like Facebook and occasionally I connect with long distance mates that way – but rarely. I never write letters and I rarely call people unless it is an emergency. I do have one university mate who I call the Luddite because he still has a phone from the 1990’s – one of those indestructible Nokia 3310 phones that apparently you can still get.

I contact him via text or via email and despite trying to persuade him for years to get a smartphone, he refuses to do so. 

And this guy used to work in IT too. I don’t understand. 

5. How I reconnect with myself when I feel lost

I put on music. 

Music takes me away from life’s problems and ironically when I get lost in the music, I find myself. 

6. What would be my signature drink if I owned a café

I’m boring when it comes to tea and coffee. I have black decaf coffee with no sugar and decaf tea with a hint of skimmed milk and no sugar. I think it would have to be a pure fruit smoothy made of oranges, apples and possibly peach, nectarine or mango. 

7. Something I’ve let go of, as I’ve grown older

I am still a little immature sadly – even at my age (regular readers may well have already guessed this) so I haven’t really let go of anything. I still play PS4/PS5 games for example, I still go to gigs, I still act like an idiot and I laugh at puerile things. 

I guess the only thing I have let go of is doing things that require a burst of adrenaline. Also I don’t play sports now – I just walk. 

8. The things I’m most likely to lie about

I am not that much of a liar (honestly) but there are occasions when I have fibbed about the reasons I don’t want to go out. The truth is that I am too tired but the lie is that “I have stuff to do”. 

9. What’s something I wish I had more time to learn

Everything. People say that it is never too late to stop learning and they are right. But as I pursue Spanish, French and the piano, I honestly wish that I had started about 20 years earlier. I would have been much better now. 

10. Social media trends that puzzle me

“Influencers”.

I’ve seen one in action. We were in Spain having a coffee and this rather attractive lady appeared next to the beach in front of us with a bag full of clothes and a stand. She then changed in the toilet in the café and mounted her phone on a stand taking photos of herself pouting with the sea behind her, while posing in the clothes, before changing them and then repeating. We watched her for about forty minutes. 

She had been either sent clothes or bought them and was posing for her Instragram feed. 

I also heard of an “influencer” who tried to get a free meal at a restaurant saying that he would write a good review on his food because he had several hundred thousand sheep – er sorry people – following him. 

The owner of the restaurant told him to bugger off and this “influencer” threatened to write a bad review as he stormed out. 

The other thing that puzzles me is people posting endlessly about their lives on things like Facebook and Instagram. Do I really want to see what Fred Bloggs is having for breakfast? Or that he feels a little “blessed” today? Or that he is staying in to watch Masterchef instead of going to the pub with his great mates? 

The answer is no!

I do realise that I own a blog and that I sometimes post crap about myself but these guys are in a league of their own. Everything they eat, say and feel is posted ad nauseam every ten minutes so that we can live our mundane meaningless lives through them 24 hours a day. 

Sorry for the minor hypocrisy, dear reader, because I realise that posting about myself on this blog could be construed as this kind of activity. 

11. Local phrases and terms I use often

I don’t really use Mancunian slang because although I have lived here for 40 years I didn’t grow up here as a child. Nevertheless I have picked up a few phrases and words that the folks of Northern England use. 

For example: 

“Butty” which means “sandwich”. 

“Hi, y’alright?”  which is a greeting. 

“I’ll have a brew” which means “I’ll have a cup of tea”

“I had to leg it for the bus” – “I had to run for the bus”.

“Nowt” which means “nothing” (as in “What are you up to?” – “Nowt”). 

“Scran” which means food. 

12. If I could only wear only three colours, I’d pick these...

Any shade of blue, black and red. 

13. Favourite books, music, tv, movies, and media this month

Book: I’ve recently finished “The House at the End of the World” by Dean Koontz

Music: I’ve been listening to the brilliantly titled Powernerd, the new album by Devin Townsend. The title track is quite entertaining (as is the video):

TV: I’ve been enjoying a very good Netflix show called Sense8:

Movies: I haven’t seen any new movies this month so I will just mention the one that I saw last at the cinema (a couple of months ago): Deadpool & Wolverine

Media: Okay – I guess by media, you mean You Tube or something like that. I visit You Tube quite often just to see what is going on or to look at music videos. One of my favourites is a comedian called Tom Walker who has invented character called Jonathan Pie who hates the Conservative party and appears in five minute videos on You Tube showing “outtakes” where he is professionally reading the news but then when they link back to the studio, he embarks upon a five minute expletive filled rant about what he really thinks. Here is his reaction to the UK election that happened four months ago. 

Forrest Trump

Welcome to a dull, grey but dry South Manchester. The sun was shining earlier but now it’s hiding behind a blanket of cloud. 

First of all, can I just ask a question? 

America - what have you done?

Although I suspected that it might happen, I am still shocked to discover that the new president of the United States of America is the same orange malignant narcissist who was kicked out last time. This man is a convicted criminal, a liar and tried his best to incite a riot and stamp all over democracy. He tells lies that would make Boris Johnson blush and somehow people believed the crap coming out of his mouth, crap I hasten to add that people over here laugh at. I wonder how our Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, is going to deal with him. It will be like trying to reason with a toddler. 

Rather him than me, I can tell you.

I’m sorry, dear American readers, but I can’t believe you elected Trump AGAIN! 

Still, I may have some material for future blog posts when the buffoon screws up. 

Shall we answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. Hobbies I've learned from a friend

I don’t think I have learned any hobbies from friends really. I decided to try my hand at writing on my own and I am teaching myself how to play the piano. Sadly I don’t know anyone else who can play the piano, apart from Mrs PM who is better than me but not much better. I would like to have a Spanish pen pal I guess as I think that would help a lot with Spanish. An American friend of mine suggested a web site for this, so I may well pursue it in future. 

I guess I could say some music that I have discovered over the years is due to a group of lads I go to gigs with – does that count?

2. My physical activity preferences

I used to run, play football and swim but now, as an older gentleman, my physical activity of choice is walking. This is mainly because it wouldn't be easy pursuing such activities at my age. 

Since retirement I have increased the distance I walk and last month I averaged over 10,000 steps per day. I will try to maintain those dizzy heights providing I can find some willpower over the winter months. It helps not having to get up at 6am to be honest. 

3. Music I think is essential for everyone to hear

Progressive rock. Progressive rock typically comprises a musician or group of musicians who play rock music but also experiment with different sounds and different genres. Some people say that it is self-indulgent and while I can see their point, some of the music that springs forth from their creative minds is incredible. 

Here are a couple of examples. First Rush – who introduce a little reggae into the proceedings:

Devin Townsend praises coffee with a little country and a soupcon of heavy metal. 

Dream Theater with some throat singing and a choir and of course some heavy metal:

4. Something I have to relearn every time I do it

As I advance in Spanish, I am trying to get to grips with some of the more complex grammatical rules, particularly some of the idioms and the use of the subjunctive, which seems to be more prevalent in the language than it is in English. 

I have to keep reminding myself of the rules. 

5. When I start thinking about holiday season planning

The term “holiday season” seems to be an American one that includes Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year. In the UK we only have the latter two of those. I usually start thinking about Christmas in vague terms in September, i.e. where am I going to be? Where do we spend Christmas Day? What about New Year’s Eve? So far we know what we are doing over the Christmas period but New Year is still in the dark. 

6. Quirks & preferences I have about writing letters

I don’t write letters. However, if I were to write letters then I would try to make them light-hearted, funny and interesting; something I like to experience myself when I read letters. 

7. If I had to limit my reading to only 3 genres, I’d pick...

I am going to assume you are talking about fiction genres. 

I would select horror, science fiction and political thrillers in the style of Robert Ludlum. 

8. When joining teams, would I rather lead or follow

Both. 

I am quite happy being a follower when the so-called leader knows what he is doing. But over the years I have been frustrated when such people go in the wrong direction (in my opinion) and that is the time when I felt like, and sometimes did actually take over. 

9. What’s my dream concert, and who would be performing

I am going to assume that you mean right now, i.e. not including artists who have retired or passed away- bands that are still performing. The concert would be a festival with each band playing a two hour set. There would be four bands . The openers would be Dream Theater (from 12:00 to 14:00):

I would then unleash Devin Townsend onto an unsuspecting audience (from 14:30 to 16:30)

Next would be Steven Wilson and Porcupine Tree (from 17:00 until 19:00):

The headliners would be Riverside playing from 20:00 until the curfew. 

10. The funniest, weirdest, silliest, animal/pet I’ve ever met

That would be have to be one of my current cats. Her name is Star (short for Stardust) and she is funny, weird and silly. 

We had to buy a fireguard to stop her from climbing up the chimney and also, from trying to attack the flames of the fire. Even now, she tried to pull the fireguard over. 

When she comes in, she demands attention and miaows until you stop what you are doing and give her the fuss she deserves. 

When I was working, she would walk onto my desk and lie down just in front of the keyboard and sprawl across my arms, making it really difficult to type. She has also sent emails on my behalf. She has even joined me in meetings much to the amusement of my work colleagues. 

Every day, she has several mad moments where she and her brother Ziggy race around the house like cats possessed. 

The scary thing that she does is wanders quite far. There is a school at the end of our road and one day I walked past and saw here in the playgorund. She recognised me and came running over, miaowing. She then followed me all the way home, trotting behind me, miaowing indignantly. She was like a dog. 

Also, she has set off behind me when I have been for walks. I've had to turn back so that she would follow me back home before setting off again. 

Here she is with me on my desk last year:

11. How has love changed for me over the years

I don’t think it has changed. I think these days I am far more content and therefore I feel love for a lot more people and things than I used to as a younger man. 

12. A book, movie, or song that brings me a sense of peace

I read books and see movies to escape the real world and in a sense that provides peace. No book or movie in particular does that specifically. 

However, music is amazing for that. One of my go to songs is an ambient masterpiece by French electronic duo Air. The song is called “La femme d’argent” and it is beautiful. No prog or heavy metal in sight. It’s an interesting video too. It’s not the official video, just something that somebody made. It shows the view from a  tram going down Market Street in San Franscisco in 1906 just four days before the great earthquake hit that wonderful city. 

13. Names I like but wouldn’t suit me

There is an English football player who has a brilliant name: Max Power. I would love to have that name but it wouldn’t suit me at all. Here are some other names I like that simply would make me look ridiculous if I introduced myself with them:

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Bastian Schweinsteiger

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Rip Torn

Freddie Mercury

Boris Karloff

Wolf Blitzer

14. What’s a part of myself I’m still working to understand

I am still working to understand every aspect of myself. I am a walking oxymoron, a paradox personified. I know the kind of person I want to be and I sometimes take steps to become that person before slipping back into the odd weirdo that I am. 

Don’t get me wrong; I like myself think I’m a great person but I don’t understand some of my own foibles. They don’t make sense to me. Now I have taken steps to try to eradicate some of my quirks and it has worked. The problem is that other new quirks pop up to replace them.

I guess I am destined to be weird. 

And I don’t understand why. 

It’s fun though. I guess I will always be me.

15. Something I love about myself today

Having answered the last question, I am very happy that I have the ability to be self-deprecating. We are all human and some people refuse to acknowledge their flaws. I share a lot of mine on this blog (not all of them) and usually have a laugh doing so. I think people like honesty and I try to be honest. I’m not perfect at all – as I have said – I am weird. In fact one of Mrs PM’s favourite things to say to me is “Don’t be weird!” because she sees me in my natural state, warts and all. 

And I am happy with that. As I am to share this with you dear reader. 

I mean what kind of pillock would call himself Plastic Mancunian?

November

Welcome to a dull and overcast South Manchester. It’s not raining thank goodness but it isn’t the greatest day we’ve ever had. Last week the clocks went back one hour so now it gets dark earlier, which means those nights are drawing in. 

Last night it was Hallowe’en so Mrs PM and I strolled to the pub to avoid the kids banging on our door shrieking “trick or treat”. As we walked, we did see them out and about and some of the costumes were entertaining. In the pub itself Hallowe’en decorations were up and the bar staff were also dressed up. 

I’ve moaned about Hallowe’en before on this blog. The thing I object to is the commercialisation of it. To me the commercialisation of it is an American thing and, as a nation, sadly, we are slowly embracing this commercialisation. As I walked down our street I saw several houses where the owners had decorated with pumpkins, spiders webs, skeletons and various other bits and pieces from horror movies. We never used to do that in the UK. There were always stories and stuff like that but giving out sweets and dressing up is something from the States. 

Still – each to their own. I enjoyed my pint of ale. 

I’ll stop being a grumpy old git now and answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Local events, parades or festivals – either in your hometown or state

We have loads of events and parades and events in Manchester throughout the year. Here are some of them:

Manchester International Festival – includes art, performances and music throughout Manchester for a couple of weeks in July.

Manchester Pride – a famous weekend in August that celebrates LGTQB+ with parades music and general fun. I’ve wandered around the city when this happens and it is a fun experience.

Parklife – A huge music festival held annually in Heaton Park. Sadly, it’s not my kind of music but it is a huge event for younger folks. 

Sounds of the City – a series of headline gigs from a variety of established musical artists in the Castlefield area. I have attended one of these – Porcupine Tree last year. It was excellent. 

Oktoberfest – a beer and food festival in a similar vein (but much smaller scale) to the Munich Oktoberfest. We have been for the last two years and it is amazing fun.

Chinese New Year – a huge parade to celebrate Chinese New Year always occurs in the city centre. I’ve been a couple of times and it was great fun, with great food too. 

There are more and even locally to me. For example, last week we went to a beer festival for our local area and in attendance was the Mayor of Greater Manchester himself who Mrs PM accosted for a photograph. 

There’s always something going on. 

At Christmas, there will be a Christmas parade and the Christmas Markets will be erected for a month. That’s always fun.

2. Life update – what’s happened recently, moving house, family wedding, vacation, new pet, visited with a friend, and so on.

The only significant thing that has happened recently is my retirement. And I love it. 

3. Do you have any family traditions this month?

Not really. November is one of the weirdest months of the year for me. Winter is coming and it gets darker quicker, as I said above, so I should find it slightly depressing. However, the countdown to Christmas has already begun so I find myself buoyed by that, rather than November itself. We don’t typically plan anything this month because December is always very busy. 

4. The holidays are about two months away, do you begin shopping or creating now or wait until December?

I prefer to start in November because I hate shopping. Shopping in December is pure madness because the shops are rammed full of manic shoppers.

5. What is your favourite November memory?

I’m struggling to think of one to be honest. It’s a bit of a boring month. 

6. Now that the weather is getting cooler do you prefer? Staying indoors or going outdoors? What do you do?

I like to go outdoors still. I walk every morning and at lunchtime too usually. It’s still autumn and at the moment the parks are full of colourful leaves and it isn’t too cold just yet. That will change as November goes on but I will still brave the weather as it gets worse. Winter tends to be a time when I spend more time indoors generally; it’s cosier. 

7. Describe your favourite local restaurant

We have a couple of decent restaurants within a ten minute walk. There is a Nepalese restaurant that has won awards, a couple of decent Italian restaurants, two local English restaurants that are quite expensive for special occasions but the food is divine, a Turkish restaurant, a Chinese restaurant and others that I haven’t tried that have good reputations. We don’t have to go to the city centre to get a good meal. Typically If we go for a meal, we will pop to the pub first for an aperitif and then have our lovely meal. 

8. Thanksgiving or Friendsgiving?

I’ve never heard of Friendsgiving but I believe it is related to Thanksgiving. Either way it doesn’t happen in the UK so I would say neither for me. One day I may be in the US during Thanksgiving and if so perhaps I could learn more about it. 

9. If you could take any class, what would you select?

I am thinking of going to a Spanish class next year. I would also consider a creative writing class. 

10. To celebrate November would you rather enjoy pumpkin pie or sweet potato?

I don’t like sweet potato on its own. However, I have had a mix of sweet potato and normal potato mash, which is quite nice. I have never had pumpkin pie. 

11. How do you handle setbacks and failures?

They annoy me but not for long. I have learned from such things in the past and while I find them irritating, I recognise that they can improve things ultimately. 

12. If everything in your house had to be one colour, which colour would you choose?

That colour would be blue, assuming I were allowed to have different shades of it (and I was allowed to include teal which is a kind of green-blue).

13. Who or what would you haunt if you were a ghost?

I would haunt the entire world. Part of me hopes that when I eventually shuffle off this mortal coil, I will become a ghost that has access to everything and everyone. I would basically become a stowaway and visit the places in the world where I hadn’t made it to in real life. 

14. Have you ever worn clothing with the labels still attached?

Yes – once or twice. I recall being at university and a girl I liked said “New trousers, Dave?” I was delighted because she had noticed me but then I saw the reason why – and was totally embarrassed.

15. What's something weird that you recommend everyone try at least once?

Play the air guitar. 

Here is a couple of photographs of me at a wedding from several years ago (2013), trying to emulate Slash when Paradise City was played. I hasten to add that the inflatable guitar wasn’t mine. The groom was a huge fan of rock music, Guns'n'Roses in particular, and came armed with the guitar and top hat. It was weird but great fun. I would recommend it. 

Do you think Slash considers me to be competition?

See if you can spot the real Slash from the photos below.