Billy No Mates

I have been Billy No Mates in the past.

You might wonder whether this is just another silly name I have invented for myself. It’s not really.

In the UK (and possibly other places) becoming “Billy No Mates” refers to situations where you find yourself on your own in a pub, in a restaurant, at a gig or some other social gathering potentially feeling self-conscious because, in your head, you think that everybody else enjoying the company other people and when they see you sitting on your own in the corner, they will laugh or feel sorry for you. 

“Look at him. He’s got no friends. HA HA HA!”

“I feel sorry for old Bill No Mates in the corner there on his own.”

The thing is that work sometimes made sure that it was difficult to avoid becoming Billy No Mates before I retired. I may have mentioned that I used to work on airport IT systems, which meant that I was often asked to fly abroad for days and sometimes weeks at a time to work with the system on site. Most of the time, I travelled with colleagues and a lot of the time, I was entertained by the customers concerned. I don’t mean that they got up and started singing and dancing – they just took me out for meals. 

However, sometimes it was just me. 

When I started travelling abroad I was still quite shy and reserved and if I ended up on my own in those early years, I was tempted to simply go to McDonalds and take my Big Mac Meal back to my lonely old hotel room and sit there on my bed munching away and feeling sorry for myself. The problem was that I had a meal allowance and as time went on I started thinking to myself that perhaps I should take advantage of this and go out to a restaurant. 

And so I did and over the years, as Billy No Mates, I’ve actually just enjoyed meals in sometimes crowded places, watching other people, listening to other conversations and not feeling that self-conscious at all. There comes a point when you realise that being Billy No Mates in such situations is fine and also can be enjoyable. 

Initially, when I plucked up the courage to do it, I used to take a book with me and read it while I was waiting for my meal. That all stopped on a trip to Toronto, Canada. I had the weekend off so, as Billy No Mates, I decided to spend Saturday exploring Toronto and Sunday exploring Niagara Falls. On Saturday, I forgot my book, which was annoying at first, but then I realised that having lunch in a coffee shop and a lovely evening meal in a lively Toronto restaurant was actually just as enjoyable as getting lost in a good book. The restaurant I chose in Toronto had a lively bar attached to it, and I thoroughly enjoyed sampling a couple of Canadian beers and just people watching as I ate. Nobody stared at me and nobody laughed. In fact, the waiters and waitresses stopped to chat a couple of times. 

On Sunday, I spent the whole day in Niagara and had a great lunch. On the way back, an old lady sat next to me on the bus (which was really a special airport taxi) and gave me her life story. She was going back to the UK for the first time for fifty years and was very nervous about it. I did my best to reassure her and, when we arrived at the airport, where I was also staying, I took her to the check-in desks and made sure that she got a boarding pass. She took me for a coffee by way of thanks and I escorted her to the departure lounge. She was most grateful.

I’ve even been on my own in Moscow in the middle of winter. During the three week trip, I was staying at an airport miles away from the city but close enough to get there by train. Armed with my Russian phrasebook, I managed to catch a train and navigate the amazing underground subway system. I found a Mexican restaurant I had been to before with a colleague on a previous trip, and I enjoyed a lovely Mexican meal while watching a live Russian band performing rock music, all washed down with a couple of Baltika beers. There was even an argument in there between a couple and although I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying, it was entertaining. 

All this brings me to the point of this post, which I am reaching in a roundabout way. 

One thing that helps if you find yourself on your own in a pub or restaurant, whether you are actively being Billy No Mates or just waiting for somebody who is delayed, is to have your phone with you. I recall one night when I was in Hong Kong alone, again on a work trip, when I decided to go to a couple of places where Mrs PM had been to when we lived there for three months. In fact it was my very last work trip to Hong Kong. This was not a smartphone but it had a camera and a couple of games so it kind of passed the time. Mrs PM and I would go to a bar called Delaney’s in Wan Chai and then have a meal in a Mexican restaurant called La Placita in Causeway Bay. For old times sake, I wandered into Delaney’s only to find that the bar had moved. I sat at the bar with a beer and chatted to Mrs PM via text. It felt like I wasn’t alone at all. Later, I went to find La Placita but it too had closed. Instead I went to an American diner we had visited a couple of times and again, I chatted via text to Mrs PM, saying how disappointed I was that La Placita was closed. And I was barely aware that I was Billy No Mates – even though I was. 

Since then, phone technology has exploded and just about everybody you see has one. They are far more than just a phone and almost everybody has become reliant on them – myself included. However, this appears to have had a negative effect. What you see now is people in bars and restaurants spending their time engrossed in their phones even when they are with people. It seems a lot of people want to become Billy No Mates, ironically even if they are with their mates. 

I’ve mentioned this before but there was one recent example I saw in a local pub. Three young people were sitting at a table and they were clearly together. All of them were totally absorbed in whatever was on their phones and nobody was talking, that is until one of them ran out of beer and asked whose round it was. They all chose to be Billy No Mates even though they were together. What was the point of being out with friends if all you can do is spend your time on your phone?

It’s crazy. 

I still become Billy No Mates occasionally these days and when I do I use my smartphone to entertain me if necessary. But if I am waiting for a friend in a pub, say, the phone is returned to my pocket the very moment they arrive. 

These days, the only time I become Billy No Mates is when I am waiting for somebody or on public transport on my own. That said, I am quite happy to go to the cinema on my own for example. The same applies to rock concerts. I have a group of mates who all love a bit of rock music and we tend to all go together but occasionally I have to go on my own if the band concerned is more progressive. And I don’t mind that either. For example I have in recent years happily become Billy No Mates to see Riverside, Rush, Porcupine Tree and Dream Theater because I’m the only one out of our group that likes them.

I guess the moral of the post is that It's okay to become Billy No Mates but I’m not sure that becoming Billy No Mates when you are out with friends because of your smartphone is cool really. 

You can’t beat a real conversation with a human being. 

Truth or Dare

Welcome to a cloudy but warm South Manchester. According to the weather forecast the weather is going to improve further next week so that’s something to look forward to. I’m off to a see a David Bowie tribute act tonight, which should be fun. I had the chance to see David Bowie in person way back when he did his Glass Spider tour and, like an idiot, I decided against it. In terms of gigs, it is one of my biggest regrets. 

Shall we answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Did it take physical or emotional courage?

I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge and it took a lot of courage because I am terrified of heights. This was back in 2005 and we were in Australia with Mrs PM’s mum and her other half. Mrs PM said she was going to do it on her own but Mrs PM’s mum suggested that I go with her. I resisted at first and when Mrs PM’s mum tried to persuade me more, I suggested that she go instead. 

Mrs PM is a very determined woman and once she has something in her mind she will almost always follow through. She was going to go anyway. Mrs PM’s mum eventually succeeded in making me feel guilty and all the way there I was having second thoughts. Mrs PM told me I didn’t have to go but I was stupid and went for it. After all, my insane mind told me, this is an achievement that I can boast about. 

Except I haven’t boasted about it at all. Whenever I tell people about it, I tell the absolute truth. The whole experience terrified me and if I could go back in time, I would never do such a stupid thing again. 

The worst thing about it was that they had to cater for various levels of fitness so the whole thing took three hours. I was quite fit at the time and it frustrated me that we were going so slowly. I would have preferred to just climb it in my own time but we kept stopping and looking around, which made my heart almost explode from my chest every single time. 

Did it take physical courage? No – not at all. It wasn’t difficult physically and even now, 23 years later, I feel I could easily endure the physical side of it. 

Did it take emotional courage? Absolutely. I was shitting my pants all the way up to the top and all the way down. I gripped Mrs PM’s hand and shoulders all the way (except for when we were climbing ladders). I told the guide that I loved the experience, lying through my teeth, and told him repeatedly that I was perfectly fine. The reality was that my apparent cool and calm exterior hid a mess of terror and adrenalized insanity. 

I hated every second of it. 

And when it was all over and I found myself on solid ground again, I grabbed Mrs PM’s hand and dragged her down to the nearest pub I could find, in The Rocks area, near the bridge. I pushed in at the bar and said “Give me a beer – any beer – and a BIG ONE!”

And armed with a cool beer, my fear gradually dissipated with the adrenaline, and this song came on the juke box:

At that moment, sitting there with a cold beer and Mrs PM, who was actually quite worried about me for a while, I felt more relief and happiness than I ever have. 

And “Hey Little Girl” reminds me of that feeling. It is one of my favourite songs of all time. 

Am I glad I did it? Yes – just to say I achieved it – but I will never ever ever EVER do anything so stupid again in my life.

2. Where did you meet the love of your life?

Mrs PM and I worked together for a couple of years. We were on the same team working on a project for Hong Kong’s Chek Lap Kok airport and eventually we ended up on in Hong Kong together. I had visited Hong Kong many times before this particular trip but it was Mrs PM’s first trip abroad in a working capacity. We were there for three weeks and the inevitable happened when she told me her feelings. This is why Hong Kong is a special place for us and why we try to go back there as often as we can.

3. What brand/flavour of coffee are you drinking these days?

I don’t drink that much coffee to be honest and when I do it is decaffeinated. An Australian friend of mine calls it “What’s the Point?” as in what’s the point of drinking decaffeinated coffee. I am weird in the sense that I still like the taste of coffee. 

Usually I drink Kenco instant coffee but if I fancy a cup of the real stuff I will choose Lavazza Italian decaffeinated coffee grounds. 

4. What's the coolest place you've ever visited and how did you get there (car, plane, motorcycle, etc.)?

I have travelled to 40 different countries and to be perfectly honest with you it is very difficult to select a coolest place from them all. I have seen many different cool things all of which have been amazing. 

It would be remiss of me to pick just one, but I have to say that when I consider weirdness, culture shock, slightly eccentric and just exciting in so many ways, I will say that Japan is probably the coolest place I have been. 

I love the Far East and we are planning to go to Malaysia next year, with a trip possibly to South Korea and Japan again a couple of years after that. 

How did I get there? I walked. Not really, I flew from Hong Kong to Tokyo, having spent a couple of days in Hong Kong, which we reached in a plane but this time from Manchester via Munich in Germany. 

5. What's the best concert you ever attended?

This is another difficult question because I have been to countless concerts. My favourite genre is Progressive Rock but I also like Heavy Metal and my eclectic taste stretches to pop music, electronic ambience and even classical music. 

I have seen bands as diverse as Rush, Metallica, the Stranglers, the Human League, Bruce Springsteen, Gary Numan, New Order and Alison Goldfrapp.

When I looked at this question I decided to list the first concert that came to mind and that was German Industrial Metal Band, Rammstein.

The band sings in their native German and despite that, they are very popular amongst the metal community worldwide, selling out concerts in Europe, the UK and America, playing in vast arenas to thousands of people. Their shows involve huge pyrotechnics that make the show incredible even if you aren’t into the music or don’t understand the lyrics. In their native Germany they are very controversial because they sing about very provocative topics. For example, here is an amusing video about the cult of plastic surgery and body enhancements in the world or celebrity:

I have seen them three times but the best one was the last time in the Manchester Arena for their greatest hits tour. I speak a little German and am currently trying to improve it, so I understand why they are so controversial.

When they are live, there is fire everywhere, even on the band members themselves. Here is an example. This song is called Benzin and if you fast forward and watch from about 4:00 you will see what happens to a man in a hoody who “invades” the stage.

And that is one of the less controversial things they do. 

All round good entertainment for people who love that kind of music. 

Bubbles

Like all human beings on Earth, I live in a body that allows me to physically move around the planet. At the moment this fleshy vehicle is still in working order although it is quite old and slightly world-weary (it is 62 years old after all). Nevertheless, it is useful for getting me from place to place and is still good enough to do so with minimal trauma, as long as I don’t try to overdo it. 

Similarly, and again like all human beings, I live in a mental bubble. This bubble allows me to take in inputs from a variety of sources and compute the best reaction and also dictate what I do. It contains my view of the world, my opinions and helps me navigate and utilise my body. 

I like to think that I am aware of the veracity of the information contained in the bubble and that by and large everything in there is based on the truth as perceived by my intelligence, awareness and how I process the vast quantities of information that have to be processed within on a second by second basis.

In this regard, in the same way as our bodies, no two individuals have the same bubble. Every person has his or her view of the world based on how the information has been processed. Yet, we all think that our own view of the world is the only one that is one hundred percent correct. I am guilty of this and, unlike some people, I like to think that I could possibly be wrong about some things. 

One of the biggest challenges to most people is social media which gives everybody who embraces it access to what is going on inside the bubbles of other people. I struggle with this sometimes because I don’t like to be swayed by things for which I have no proof. I would rather spend my time learning about facts and judge things based on them. 

A good example of what I am talking about is music. I always chuckle when an album is released by an artist I have never heard of that is portrayed as the best thing ever recorded: 

“The greatest singer/songwriter of our age bares his soul in a soaring new release”. 

Really? I am willing to listen to such albums out of interest but I would never spend money on such a thing unless I actually liked it myself. 

It’s the same with movies: 

“This movie is a phenomenal triumph”

Really? Why did it only score 1.6 on IMDB?

Ultimately it is all a matter of personal choice. 

What I don’t understand is the concept of “influencers”. I have seen people describe themselves as “influencers” and I daresay that there are some people who really are influenced by them but I don’t get it. I certainly don’t let such people influence me. There are a lot of people who I admire for being good actors, musicians, singers, authors etc. but I don’t follow their life choices or allow my own bubble to blindly be manipulated by the so-called “truth” that comes from their bubble. A lot of people allow this to happen and I find that bizarre. 

I can’t be a copycat for a rock star for example. Some of my musical heroes have been wild men who think they are indestructible and abuse their bodies in ways that are shocking. For example, I admire Ozzy Osbourne because of his music, yet if I had adopted his hedonistic attitude towards drugs and booze, I probably wouldn’t be here to write this post. Besides, I don’t like all of his music, just certain aspects of it. 

I know people who have followed “influencers” and adopted aspects of their dress sense, their musical taste and their political views. Some “influencers” also spread bullshit about everything from finances, health and conspiracy. And gullible people buy it all. 

As I was approaching retirement, I started looking into potential new hobbies that I could take up over the next few years and I have a list of some very interesting ones such as genealogy, wine tasting, photography etc. and I have several that I probably will take up when I get bored of my current hobbies. 

One caught my eye and it made me laugh: become a social media influencer. 

Really? At my age? I did some research on this and discovered to my amusement that there really are old influencers who have decided to use their life experiences to earn money from social media. I can partly see the point of that if they are offering their experience as a guide and, to be honest, I think that there is probably some wisdom from people my age who have seen and done a lot. 

I would never do that. But then again, isn’t blogging a form of social media. I have been blogging since 2008. Mostly the stuff I hurl out there into cyberspace is total horseshit – but am I trying to influence people – even subconsciously? 

Is my little bubble casting out a net in order to ensnare other more gullible bubbles and lead them stray? 

Am I a colossal hypocrite? 

The answer is of course, no (although the caveat to that is that I am a hypocrite in other ways; I’m just not an “influencer”). 

My aim is to fling my nonsense into cyberspace in the hope that my words will cheer somebody up or bring a little smile to somebody's face. 

That is all. 

The thought of myself being an “influencer” fills me with horror and makes me laugh out loud. If, as a result of reading this blog, you become a weirdo who wants to travel a lot, move to Manchester, listen to progressive rock and metal, rant a lot about politics and many other subjects while supporting a useless football team in League Two then you probably need help. 

Having said that, based on some of the comments I have received over the years, most people who stumble on this blog disagree with a lot of the aspects of my thought processes.

And that is the way it should be, dear reader. 

Be the unique person you are and be yourself. 

Don’t let anybody burst your bubble.

I’ll leave you with a song by Steven Wilson about following “Influencers”.

Old Man Hoodie

Welcome to a beautiful day in South Manchester. The weather has been odd recently because we have had wall to wall sunshine in the last two weeks with higher than average temperatures. This has made my morning walks very enjoyable indeed. Sadly it will end on Sunday when rain is forecast. 

Last weekend we were in York with my two lads and the weather was fantastic. I love York and we don’t go there often enough in my opinion. We were pure tourists on Saturday, walking along the Shambles, visiting bookshops, sight-seeing and taking photographs of the Minster as well as throwing ourselves into the Jorvik centre where I gazed upon what York was like under Vikings in the year 1000. I am blond with blue eyes so maybe my ancestors were Vikings. I must make a mental note to get my DNA tested. 

Shall we answer some daft questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. Do you own a pair of cargo pants?

No – I own two pairs of cargo pants. I must admit that I only bought them recently with a view to wearing them around the house instead of jeans but I do like them, I have to say. I think perhaps they are more fitting for a person younger than me but they are comfortable. 

On the same subject, just before I retired, the company insisted on giving everybody a company hoodie. I was leaving so I respectfully declined it. They insisted that I keep it so I reluctantly took it, vowing never to wear it. I planned to put it in the loft as a souvenir of working there. However, for a laugh, I wore it on my last day in the office and I have to say that I thought it was amazing. It was comfortable and really warm. 

And now, seven months after I retired, I still wear it around the house (I would never wear it outside because it advertises the company and makes me look like a huge geek). Moreover, I liked it so much that I bought two more hoodies. 

I have a couple of mates who I go to gigs with, one in his sixties and one in his fifties, and both of them wear hoodies with band logos on them. I think they look okay but one of them has been chastised by his wife for wearing a hoodie and cargo pants. “You look like a ten year old!” she said. 

I say – who cares? 

2. Which of these gifts from a romantic partner would please you most: a) jewellery, b) wine, c) a book, d) something grown in his/her garden?

I have bought jewellery, wine and books for Mrs PM over the years. 

Books and wine are easy because I know what she likes. However, buying jewellery for her is a nightmare. Her mum once bought her a ring and when she unwrapped it, I must admit I thought the ring was really nice, so much so that I told Mrs PM. She looked at me as if I had just crawled out of a primeval swamp. 

“It’s horrible,” she said. 

I was aware that I had bought her jewellery in the past without showing it to her first and I know that was a mistake. It was a response to “Surprise me!” when I asked what she wanted for Christmas. She still has the surprise jewellery that I bought her but I don’t think she wears it often. As for the ring, she gave it back to her mum to change and her mum ended up keeping it. Despite what Mrs PM said, I still like it and I backed her mum in this case. It is also the reason why I do not buy Mrs PM surprises any more and if she wants jewellery, she has to pick it herself and send me a link. 

That keeps us both happy. 

3. Who was the last person to toss a harsh word or phrase your way? Do you think that maybe you had it coming?

It was undoubtedly Mrs PM and I almost certainly absolutely deserved it. 

4. Did you appear in any plays back when you were in school? If yes, what role(s) did you play? Earn extra, non-existent points for sharing any of your dialogue.

Yes. I appeared in three plays, all of which occurred between the ages of eight and ten. 

The first was co-written by myself and friend and was a typical good guy/bad guy play set in a Western setting and was absolutely dreadful. I played a sheriff complete with cowboy hat and plastic holster and gun. We bought caps especially for it and had a shoot out in the saloon complete with tomato ketchup for special effects. 

The second was Sleeping Beauty and I played the Prince. I had to kiss the princess (poor girl) and she struggled not to laugh as I approached her. 

The third was Alice in Wonderland and I played gryphon, complete with a cloak acting as wings, a balaclava with a huge cardboard beak sewn onto the top and hundreds of bright yellow crepe paper  feathers stuck to the cloak, balaclava and my shirt to complete the effect. I had to sing a song with Alice and the Mock Turtle. And, yes, I do recall one line and the some of the song lyrics.

Lines:

“Hello, is your name Alice? I'm the Gryphon and I’ve come here to take you to see the Mock Turtle”.

Song Lyrics:

“Beautiful Soup! Beautiful Soup! Soup, soup of the evening! Beautiful beautiful soup!”

Do I get extra non-existent points?

5. Which Osmond do you like better: Donny or Marie?

That’s like choosing between having you toenails or your fingernails removed with pliers.

The elder of my two sisters loved them both and I often had to hear her bellowing:

“PAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEERRRRRRR ROOOOSSSSEEESSSS!”

or

“This is not a Puppy Love!”

I hated both of them. However, I do have an answer. I think I would say Donny Osmond but only because he appears on this song, which I love:

6. Who is your favourite radio host or podcaster?

I don’t have one. However, back in the day when I used to actually listen to the radio, I liked two DJ’s who played music that didn’t fit in with the normal tosh they played. 

Those guys were Tommy Vance (or as he declared himself to be “TV on the Radio”). He was the DJ for “The Friday Rock Show” on BBC Radio One and he was allowed to play all manner of rock and metal songs that never would have been played normally. This show was on at 10pm on a Friday night and I used to listen to it religiously along with thousands of other budding metalheads. Over the years he gradually rose to prominence and eventually presented the prestigious Top 40 radio show where he loved to play the full versions of any rock song that crept into the charts, including the full version of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s amazing Freebird. 

The second was the legendary John Peel. Apparently he had a huge record collection and everything he played on his show was from that collection. His taste was varied from the Beatles to extreme metal band Napalm Death and he basically just played what he liked and was very forthright in his views on all manner of music. Like Tommy Vance, he too was relegated to late night slots.

7. Is your personal workspace filled with fluffy, plastic wind-up, rubbery or edible items? Or are you all business and clutter free?

My desk at home has three really stupid things that my youngest lad Mike bought me for Christmas. The first is a Groot light and the other two are Rubik’s cubes. 

They look ridiculous but who cares?

The Static Man

Welcome to a cloudy but pleasant South Manchester. I thought I would have a go at Sunday Stealing  which has taken a bit of a break over the last couple of months. It’s a fun diversion to answer some daft questions so let’s dive straight in shall we?

1. What book are you currently reading?

I’m currently reading a science fiction series called The Gamma Recruits which involves parallel universes and time travel. Such novels totally appeal to a geek like me. But I don’t care. I love this kind of thing. 

2. Have you ever smoked? 

My dad was a smoker and he tried desperately to give up. Nevertheless he always told me not to do it and of all the ways he tried to influence me, somehow that one stuck. I did rebel briefly at school and joined the other smokers behind a certain building at school. I tried to take a drag and I ended up coughing like a lunatic and gave up there and then. The second and last time I tried smoking was at university. I was drunk and took the offer of a cigarette and then took the smoke all the way down into my lungs. The reaction was spectacular – I threw up. I decided at that moment that I would never try it again – and to this day I haven’t. 

3. Do you own a gun?

I live in the United Kingdom so of course I don’t own a gun. Whenever I watch the news about America’s massive gun problems and mass shootings I shake my head with incredulity. People are shot so much in America because there seems to be no gun control whatsoever and it seems that a proportion of the population feel the need to have one for whatever reason. It’s absurd. 

I am glad the UK has such strict rules about guns.

4. What is your favourite candy?

I don’t eat “candy” that much but at the moment we are approaching Easter, which means that Cadbury’s Creme Eggs are available. I love them and at this time I do buy them as a treat. 

Other than that, I love Lindor Chocolate, especially the dark ones. 

5. Hot dogs: yay or nay?

I haven’t had a hot dog for a while. I think the last time was in the last decade when I went to the cinema. I wouldn’t normally have a hot dog there but I recall I was a little peckish. 

So I guess that’s a “Yay”!

6. Favourite movie?

I simply don’t have one. There are too many movies that I love to be able to cut it down to even 100 let alone just one. Here are a couple that I have seen recently that may qualify but if you ask me again tomorrow I will pick others. 

300

Avengers: Infinity War / Avengers: Endgame

Inglorious Basterds

Inception

Mission Impossible : Fallout

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

I always have a large cup of decaffeinated tea, with a little milk and no sugar. Also a glass of apple juice and orange juice mixed. 

8. What do you drink throughout the day?

Again, I drink decaffeinated tea and the odd glass of water. 

9. Do you do push ups?

I have done push ups in the past (or as we in the UK call them - press ups). In fact the most recent time I did them was at the start of 2024 for a couple of months until I got fed up. I think I may try them again. 

10. What’s your favourite piece of jewellery?

I don’t wear jewellery so I don’t have a favourite I’m afraid. 

11. Current worry?

I can honestly say, at the moment, that I don’t have any serious worries I can think of. 

Having said that. we are having the garden redesigned and this will involve the whole thing being ripped up and re-laid. I guess that counts as a worry because I hate that sort of upheaval at home. The good news is that it is outside rather than in the house, and our garden is quite small so it won’t take more than a week. Thinking about it, even that isn’t a worry – just an annoying inconvenience for a short while. It will look good when it is complete though, hopefully. 

12. Current annoyance?

Where do I start? I’ve stopped watching the news recently because it makes my blood boil. I always thought that if Trump were ever re-elected it would have global consequences and it is proving to be far worse than even I considered. 

Trump seems to be systematically trying to dismantle all the alliances that the US has. He is alienating his country from Europe, from his nearest neighbours (especially Canada), he is trying to annexe Greenland and he has a vice president who seems to enjoy shooting off his poisonous mouth wherever he goes. 

Add to that unleashing Elon Musk on his own government and pandering to Putin’s needs and his treatment of Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the White House in front of the whole world and you see dangerous times ahead. The idiot has only been President for a couple of months and we can see scary times ahead. 

Rant over.

13. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

I have never slept on satin sheets but I think if I did my hair would be so full of static electricity that I would never be able to get it under control.  

14.  Can you whistle?

Yes I can. 

Myths About Britain - Debunked (Part Two)

In my last post, I talked about some misunderstandings regarding the United Kingdom and what it is like to be a British person as well of some things that people from other countries get wrong. I have some more to talk about today.

Our Beer is Warm

In Britain, there are so many beers that I could barely begin to even start naming them. We have several different types such as Bitter, India Pale Ale (or IPA), Mild and Stout. Each country within the UK has variations and beers that are specific to that country. We also have lager and lots of beers imported from other countries. 

You can enter most pubs in the UK and get a variety of these so the choice is incredible. There is a lot of regional variation based on local breweries. For example in Stockport, a town that is not too far away from Manchester, we have Robinson’s brewery so we have a few pubs in Manchester that are owned by that brewery and specialise in the various different beers from that brewery. Sometimes we get beers from other parts of the country too, for example from London. 

Many micro-breweries exist too and their beer appears in various pubs that like to offer “Guest Beers”, meaning that on any given day there will be a couple of beers that are only on offer for a short amount of time. 

The truth about our beer being supposedly warm is that it isn’t (well – sort of). Most beers are stored in the cellar whose temperature is controlled and you will normally find it served at about 10 °C (about 50 °F) but there can be variations depending on the season. For example, in the winter all beer is cold but in the summer it may seem to be a little warmer. That said, if you order a pint of lager it is always served cold no matter what the season is. 

In the colder months, I tend to drink Bitter or IPA but when the weather warms up I drift towards lager, usually continental offerings from Germany, Belgium, Spain, France or Italy. I have been known to drink any beer depending on the mood. 

To summarise, I can understand why, say, somebody visiting from Europe or the USA may find some of our own beers a little warmer than they expect it to be. But really, it isn’t. 

British Weather is Terrible

British people love to talk about the weather. Why? Because you cannot guarantee one hundred percent what it is going to be like, even when you have seen the weather forecast for that day. I remember once on one extreme day, I saw sunshine and then rain, followed by a freak hailstorm and then a thunderstorm. By the end of the day the weather had returned to a semblance of normality when the sun came out again. This was in June.

This all doesn’t mean that the weather in the UK is terrible. We just get a massive variation but we don’t get extremes like hurricanes, tornadoes or extreme cold or heat. 

In winter the weather is generally not good. We get lots of rain, usually some snow at times and also a fair share of sunny days. However, the temperature usually ranges from about -5 °C (23 °F) to a mild 10 °C (50 °F). We don’t get the extreme cold that they get in Russia for example. I recall being in Moscow when the temperature was -25 °C (-13 °F) and there was so much snow that there were mountains of it piled up on the side of the road. 

In spring and autumn the weather is genuinely quite mild and pleasant. We do get quite a lot of rain though and I am guessing this is where the “terrible weather” slur comes from. The summers are usually very pleasant with temperatures in Manchester rising up to 30 °C (86 °F) although it often gets a few degrees higher. The hottest temperature we have had in Manchester is 38 °C (100 °F) although it was even hotter in London. Again we don’t have the extremes of the Middle East where I experienced 46 °C (115 °F) in Muscat, Oman. 

The one thing I will say is that it could rain at any time – yet still we have droughts too. British weather is annoying sometimes but it is not terrible compared to some places in the world.

The United Kingdom is Boring

Whenever I’ve heard somebody say that the UK is a boring place, that person has never set foot on our islands. I have been to many varied and fascinating countries in the world and each one in its own way is interesting and full of adventure. And I think that sentiment also applies to my own country. 

The one complaint I hear most is the weather (see the previous point) but there is plenty to do and the UK is a friendly place full of people who are willing to talk to you and help you to enjoy yourself. We have an amazing history (if not a bit horrible at times) and thousands of cultural icons to enjoy. We have thousands of miles of coastline and four (count them – FOUR) countries all of which have their own culture and outlook on life. 

We have our fair of eccentric pastimes, eccentric people and some weird perspectives on life but these add to the charm. We are hilarious as a nation and boast some of the funniest people in the world. We are masters of self-deprecation and find humour in most situations. We have some of the greatest actors in the world and our music is legendary worldwide. 

There is a huge list of things that were invented by people from the UK including the world’s first stored program digital computer which was designed and built here in Manchester. We also were the pioneers of the Internet as well as inventing things like the hydraulic press, ATM, toothbrush, fire extinguishers, stainless steel,  steam engine, turbo-jet engine, telescope, hovercraft, lawnmower, light bulb, railway, the telephone and many more. 

We have always been amazing, interesting and we still are. We know how to entertain and also have fun, as you will discover if you spend time in a pub. 

We are definitely not boring.

All We Drink is Tea

I must admit that I am drinking a cup of tea as I type this. Nevertheless, I do drink coffee too. In fact at work, most people I worked with were coffee drinkers rather than tea. 

Tea is very popular here, probably more popular than it is in any other country with the possible exception of China and India and if you go to visit people here, one of the first things that will happen is that you will be offered a cup of tea. We have tea shops but we also have coffee shops too. 

I think this is merely a stereotype and I am being a little hypocritical because I do love a cup of tea (or a cuppa). 

British People are Reserved

Many people think that British people are reserved and we face adversity with our “stiff upper lips”. The myth is that we are polite and don’t show our true feelings preferring to hide behind a façade of stoicism and courage when confronted by something that is difficult or unpleasant. 

I think those old war movies have something to do with this particular myth. When you watch British officers and soldiers going into battle, they show no fear, are very polite and say things like “For King and Country” before marching off to certain death with no fear and a determination that they will “take out as many of the bastards as I can” before “returning to Blighty for a cup of tea and cakes”. In the case of Americans, they charge in looking angry and screaming their war cries while waving their flags and trying to put the fear of God into whoever is facing them. 

Here's a parody that illustrates what I am talking about from Monty Python.

The upper classes may have that old British War movie outlook on life but the rest of us don’t. In fact the vast majority of us are amazing and funny people and a lot of us are not reserved at all. We mock each other and ourselves and a lot of the time it’s hilarious. In fact, the further away from London north you go, and certainly the further north, the friendlier the people, as illustrated by this spoof news report:

Every British Person Loves the Royal Family

The Royal family are divisive in the UK. There are certain people who absolutely adore them and hang on every word they say. For such people every single story involving them is a must read and any word said against them is tantamount to treason. These people are fuelled by tabloid newspapers who themselves adore certain members of the family but don’t like others. The darlings of the Royal family at the moment are William and Kate. Nothing bad is ever written about them and Royalists worship them.

Yet William’s brother, Harry, is seen as a pariah, perhaps because he married Meghan Markle who rarely gets a kind word written about her. 

I try my best to ignore the Royal family, apart from the odd rant when a story about them is the number one item on the news. To me, a story about Kate turning up at a school is totally and utterly irrelevant. I couldn’t care less. But when such a story is given a higher priority than, say, the economy being in trouble, I get annoyed. To me they are just celebrities but with the difference that they don’t have any talent at all. They are just very rich.

It’s a bit of a cult in my view. I have nothing against them as people at all but I simply do not care one jot about them. As a nation we are divided into three camps; Royalist who love the Royal family (apart from Harry and Meghan and of course Andrew), people like me who don’t give a toss about them and then people who despise them. 

In the latter category, I used to work with a guy who called them all “parasites”. I can understand that view, although I don’t share it.

As you can see, we do not all love the Royal family at all. 

And finally …

I hope this has cleared up a few myths about Britain and British people and provided a fresh insight into the antics of the place I call home.

Myths About Britain - Debunked

 

I was sitting in a bar in Amsterdam many years ago with an British work colleague and a Dutch man who was a customer. We were enjoying a quiet conversation when we noticed two young Dutch guys on the other side of the bar lambasting a slightly inebriated British bloke who was on his own. 

“You don’t care about your children!” declared one of the Dutch guys. “You send your children away for months to school. No wonder you people are the way you are.”

We were slightly uncomfortable hearing this but we ignored them. Eventually the British guy had had enough and left. Unfortunately, one of the Dutch guys heard us talking and the two of them immediately came over to us with a view to continuing their attack on British people. 

“So, you’re English?” he asked us. 

Thankfully, our Dutch colleague turned around and said something to them in Dutch which sounded very stern. Within a minute or two they moved away. 

“What did you say?” I asked. 

He replied:

“I told them that I lived in England for four years and everything they said was a load of rubbish. I told them that their behaviour is terrible and they are letting down Dutch people by being such arseholes.”

This was a one-off because Dutch people are usually laid back and really friendly. However, this unfortunate episode leads me on to some common misconceptions about the place I call home that simply aren’t true. Let’s dive in.

All British people send their kids away to school for months

This is, as my Dutch friend said, untrue on the whole. Also, I heard a French bloke in a restaurant in Paris saying the same thing to an American colleague once. This time I interrupted and told the American that this simply wasn’t true. 

What is true is that we do have public schools such as Harrow, Rugby and Eton (which has barfed out some Prime Ministers like Boris the Clown). Public schools are fee paying and heaped in tradition and deep in the realm of the filthy rich of our country. In public school you will find the children of royalty and nobility and extremely rich businessmen etc. because they are the only ones who can afford them.

The vast majority of kids in the UK, (93%)  go to normal state schools in the same way most other children in the world do. I have only ever met one guy who went to public school and he hated every second of it. He was a really good friend at university and he had what can only be described as a posh accent. 

Talking of accents …

There are only two British accents: the royal accent and cockney

The “royal” accent is what I would describe the accent spoken by Charlie-boy, aka King Charles III. It is known as “received pronunciation”. The cockney accent is the accent of London. The truth is that there are so many accents in the United Kingdom that listing them all would take ages.  Here’s a taster:

My accent used to be “Black Country” or “Yam Yam” which is very close to the Brummie accent in the video above spoken by Ozzy Osbourne. I used to sound similar to him because he was born about ten miles away from Walsall, where I was born. But even in those ten miles, the accent mutated and my original dialect had words that perhaps even Ozzy never used. 

You may also note that the video described that accent “being rated as Britain’s least intelligent” and since I moved away from Walsall I can vouch for this being true. When I moved to Liverpool for university, people used to say “what part of Birmingham are you from?”. I was naïve and said “How do you know where I’m from?, which may have made them think that people from Walsall and Birmingham are as stupid as the accent makes them sound.

This was of course the first time I encountered the Scouse accent (spoken by people from Liverpool). When I tried to open a bank account as a naïve 19 year old, I really struggled because I could barely understand the woman I was dealing with. She was a fully-fledged Scouser and we struggled to communicate because my accent was so strong too. She got my name wrong about ten times and she probably thought I was stupid too.

Over the years, my accent has faded and now I have what Southerners would call a neutral Northern accent. Yet occasionally, my Yam Yam accent surfaces (usually when I am ranting). There is no Mancunian in there (well possibly a hint).

We all live in London

London is the capital of England and the United Kingdom but we don’t all live there. I have been asked by an American, “So what’s it like living in London?”

Now, London is a huge city but it is over two hundred miles away from Manchester. I have friends who live there and I visit the place quite often. It takes four hours to drive there from Manchester and this is why I usually take the train, taking just over two hours. 

But I am not from London and I don’t live there. And the truth is that 90% of travelling people from the UK that you will meet do not live in London either. Some even live in different countries (see below).

That said, London is a good place to visit. I love it but I wouldn’t want to live there at all. It is too chaotic and too busy for me. 

England is the United Kingdom

I was born in England and I live in England. I was also born in the United Kingdom. But the United Kingdom is not England. 

The United Kingdom consists of four countries: England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. If, for example, you were to ask a Scot whether he was English, you may well get a rude reply. Each country has its own devolved government for local issues but the centre of government of the UK is in London, so perhaps I can understand the slight confusion when meeting somebody from the UK. The accent usually gives it away. 

I can imagine that there are other things that confuse foreigners too, especially when I mention the word "British". I am English and I am also British. Where does “British” fit in I hear you cry? Why are we also called Great Britain? 

Allow me to explain. 

See the following diagram.

The big island that contains England, Scotland and Wales is called Great Britain and people who live in all of those countries are British. There are a lot of smaller islands off the coast of Great Britain but they count as British too (for example the Isle of Man and the Isle of Wight). 

The other major island is Ireland and this comprises the Republic of Ireland and Northen Ireland. The islands of Great Britain, Ireland and all the other smaller islands make up the British Isles. From the perspective of Ireland, the Republic of Ireland (or Eire) is an independent country but Northern Ireland is part of the United Kingdom. Hence the full name of the United Kingdom is The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. 

I hope that clears things up and makes sense.

And Finally …

There are a couple of other myths that need to be debunked so I will do that in another post.