I recently introduced you to Captain Chaos, a nemesis of mine who, along with Captain Paranoia, strives to make my life as chaotic as possible.
You can read about him here.
Well there is a third nemesis who helps to complete this unholy trinity; his name is Tonto.
The truth is that Tonto was not part of my life until 1998; that was the year that Mrs PM and I started our relationship.
Is that a coincidence?
No – because Mrs PM and Tonto are a partnership that cannot be broken. Wherever she goes, Tonto goes. She is possessed by Tonto.
And since he came into my life, he has started to haunt me too.
So who is Tonto?
Tonto is the entity that annihilates Mrs PM’s sense of direction. And he is starting to do it to me as well. Tonto is the creature who switches off Mrs PM’s brain turning her into the world’s greatest scatterbrain.
After a few months together I began to notice things. Things like Mrs PM’s sense of direction being virtually non-existent; things like Mrs PM’s forgetful nature; things like Mrs PM’s outstanding ability to excel in the scatterbrain department.
I have met many scatterbrains before, but Mrs PM is an excellent specimen.
Here is another example of a friend of mine who is also a scatterbrain.
Tonto is a constant source of frustration for Mrs PM. I came up with the name, Tonto, as a joke, because the Lone Ranger’s faithful sidekick was meant to be an expert in tracking fugitives – the last person on Earth you would expect to get lost or forget anything. I talk about him as if he is a real person; it would be either that or accuse Mrs PM of being a massive scatterbrain. Personifying Mrs PM’s lack of sense of direction and her forgetful nature as an imaginary nemesis is quite an amusing way to think about it.
Here is a recent example of Tonto’s work in action.
Just before the jubilee holiday, Mrs PM brought her work laptop home because she was on call. Most of us had a four day break but Mrs PM had to work on the final day of the holiday. I didn’t, so I was looking forward to enjoying a lie in. She managed to leave the house without disturbing me too much and set off for her 23 mile journey to work.
Around half an hour later, while I was enjoying a lovely snooze, the phone rang. Bleary-eyed, I answered the phone. It was Mrs PM.
“I’ve done it again!” she said.
“Done what?” I replied.
“I’ve left my laptop at home. Can you bring it for me, to save me driving all the way back there?”
So much for my lie in, I thought. Tonto had struck again. The worst part of this is that it is not the first time it has happened. On other occasions, she has had to make a 46 mile round trip to retrieve her laptop. At least now, she could avoid that.
Tonto must have been chuckling away at another triumph but he saw another opportunity to strike. I had only ever been to Mrs PM’s place of work once, so I was unsure of the exact directions.
“Bloody hell! “ I moaned. “Alright – I’ll bring it in. Can you give me directions?”
“Bingo!” said Tonto.
And this is another area of his expertise – destroying Mrs PM’s sense of direction. To be honest, Mrs PM was frustrated at her own failure, so she was a little flustered. She barked a set of instructions to me and I wrote them down.
Now this is where Tonto had his moment; instead of following my instincts and looking up the directions using Google Maps – or even using the navigator on my phone to get a set of clear and concise directions to her place of work, I left the house and set off with just a few hastily written directions.
I was tired and Tonto had exploited that.
Suffice it to say, the instructions were not quite correct. Mrs PM had mentioned a couple of roundabouts, with the instruction “go straight on to the NEXT roundabout”. What she didn’t tell me was that in order to get to the next roundabout, I had to turn left; I carried straight on.
And I got lost.
I have to say, dear reader, that my language in the car, when I realised that I was lost, was the deepest shade of blue I had ever experienced. I was using expletives that I didn’t know existed.
When Tonto strikes, it infuriates me. I am enraged by my own stupidity for not double checking directions, for listening to and trusting Mrs PM when she has packed something, rather than just checking for myself.
Lost in deepest darkest Cheshire, I had to turn around and retrace my route until I worked out where I had gone astray. How I managed to find her place of work I will never know – it was trial and error all the way until I spotted the roundabout when I tried the left turn I had missed.
By the time I pulled up outside her office I was apoplectic. I picked up my phone and dialled Mrs PM.
“Where are you?” she said.
“I’M OUTSIDE!” I yelled. I then launched into a massive rant about forgetting laptops, a lost chance to have a lie in, bad directions and getting lost. My soapbox was buckling under the strain. Anybody who was watching me as I rocked back and forth in the car must have thought that I looked like a caged animal.
“ … AND ANOTHER THING …” I yelled before stopping abruptly mid-rant.
“Wait a minute,” I continued. “Are you LAUGHING?”
“No,” lied Mrs PM audibly chuckling.
“You ARE laughing,” I yelled. “Come down and get your BLOODY LAPTOP!”
A few minutes later, Mrs PM was at the car and I handed over the laptop with a look of fury on my face. Mrs PM didn’t dare speak; if she had she would have collapsed in a fit of laughter.
“Thanks,” was all she could say. “Tonto sends his regards.”
I didn't say a word - just allowed steam to come out of my ears.
I drove back home, gradually calming down. By the time I arrived back in Manchester, I was smiling to myself and cursing Tonto.
There are other examples of Tonto’s mischief and I will tell you about them in subsequent posts.
Suffice it to say that Tonto is a thorn in our side, particularly as we like to travel to places we don’t know.
And when Captain Paranoia, Captain Chaos and Tonto combine, the effects can be terrifying – but funny.
Over to you, dear reader.
Do you have your own manifestation of Tonto? Are you a scatterbrain who forgets things and gets lost?
I swear that I could claim that I didn’t have Tonto in my life until I met Mrs PM. And now he stalks me relentlessly.
Or perhaps I too and getting forgetful in my old age.