Saturday, 10 March 2012

Room 101


George Orwell’s 1984 is one of the few novels I read at school that made me sit up and say “now that was a good read.”

I love the book – but one of the things I like best is the concept of Room 101, a room where people are subjected to their worst nightmares.

In the UK it has spawned a comedy panel show, also called Room 101, where celebrities try to convince the host (currently Frank Skinner) to dump the things they hate into the aforementioned room.

Being a grumpy old so and so I think it is time that I nominated things for Room 101; I just hope the room is big enough to accommodate everything I have planned for it.

In fact, such is the vast number of things I want to cast into an abyss that I have to do it in tiny chunks.

I will therefore pepper my normal inane posts with lists of things that simply must be locked away from humanity – for their own good.

Movie - Highlander 2 – The Quickening


I loved the film Highlander and that is the main reason why I want to hurl this garbage into Room 101. It is a sequel that makes no sense and is the worst film that Sean Connery has ever agreed to make. If you have seen and enjoyed Highlander, I implore you (for your own sanity) not to watch this film EVER! You will rant so much that you might just explode – I know I nearly did.

CelebrityPiers Morgan

Why this man is a success is beyond me. He is one of the few humans alive who I actually want to torture – preferably by subjecting him to a day in his own company. I first noticed him when he was editor of a tabloid called the Daily Mirror – an odious profession if ever there was one – and now he presents a major show in the US. How? Why? He is an enigma; he is so loathsome yet so successful. How can that be? Into Room 101 you go.

Clothing Baggy arsed jeans



Kids these days wear jeans that hang so low they may as well not bother. I was sitting down in a bar in Manchester and I turned around and my face was inches from a young git with baggy arsed jeans and “cool” designer underpants. I wanted to stand up and yell at the fool.

“PULL YOUR PHARKING JEANS UP! PEOPLE CAN SEE SKID MARKS IN YOUR UNDERPANTS!”

I couldn’t – but it would have scared him half to death.

FoodRhubarb

I have posted about rhubarb before. It is the most repulsive foodstuff known to man. It tastes so bad that my stomach heaves when my brain tells me there is some in the vicinity. When rhubarb appeared on the school dinner menu as a child, I was forced to eat it – and I wanted to kill the teacher who tortured me in this way. I simply cannot begin to describe the taste – it is so awful. I hope that Piers Morgan is forced to eat it for ever in Room 101 – mind you, he’d probably like it.

Pop MusicCliff Richard


The man who gave us “Mistletoe and Wine”, “Saviours Day”, “Wired For Sound” and, the crowning turd on the compost heap, “The Millennium Prayer”. I am ashamed to say that I actually saw the so called Peter Pan of pop live in a show called Time in the late 1980’s. I went to the West End of London and watched it, not knowing that Cliff Richard was in it – and I almost wept in shame. Worse – every year, there is a calendar showing pictures of Cliff topless – AT HIS AGE!!! Get in there and start singing to Piers Morgan – mind you, he’d probably like it.

TVThe X Factor

Every bloody year – EVERY BLOODY YEAR – I have to suffer this utter tripe that is overhyped, filled with cliché and hosted by idiots. Why is it popular? All that I see is a terrible karaoke show watched over by Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell and a couple of other equally talentless judges – and at the end of it, another talentless individual is crapped out and thrust upon the world with a “guaranteed Christmas Number One” only to sink back into obscurity a year or two later. Get rid of it immediately.

AnimalsWasps

Yet another creature I have ranted about. They serve no purpose whatsoever other than to sting human beings and make an absolute nuisance of themselves on a beautiful sunny summer day. They are horrible, vindictive creatures that turn human beings into jabbering wrecks.

BooksThe Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy



When I was a young man at school, I was introduced to English Literature – and was forced to read this novel – and then write at least two essays about it. I hated it – and it got me into trouble several times. Our homework was to read three chapters and then discuss them in class and I simply could not bring myself to do so – it was so tedious. Invariably I was caught out when after two seconds it was clear that I hadn’t read any of it and had to spend yet another detention reading the bloody thing. I wanted to read Jules Verne, H.G.Wells and George Orwell – but no – I had to read this tripe – and then write utterly pointless essays about it. It almost killed my love of books and that is a crime I simply cannot forgive – so it has to go into Room 101 where Piers Morgan should be forced to read it over and over again. Mind you, he’d probably like it.

PoliticiansBoris Johnson

I am tempted to put ALL politicians into Room 101 but instead I will pick on just one; the Mayor of London – Boris Johnson. This man is a bumbling oaf and it amazes me that he can get dressed in the morning, let alone run the capital of England. He struggles to speak because he constantly has his foot in his mouth and has the ability to embarrass himself because of his appearance and his irritating voice. I used to think he was just a joke and now he is the mayor, who knows where he can go? There are even fools who want him to be our Prime Minister. He must go into Room 101 where he and Piers can spend eternity pissing each other off. Mind you, they probably like each other.

China Chinese Toilets

Regular readers will know that I love China but despise Chinese toilets. Many people think it is better to squat rather than sit but to be honest, that is a recipe for disaster, particularly in public Chinese toilets. I have almost thrown up several times when approaching them, particularly the worst kind – a public toilet on a building site. Thankfully I have stayed in hotels that have pristine, shining western style toilets – and I figure that if I put Chinese toilets into Room 101 then the Chinese will invest in proper loos that don’t make me throw up my breakfast. And of course the added bonus of Chinese toilets being in Room 101 would be that Piers Morgan would have to use them. Mind you, he would probably enjoy that.

And furthermore, Piers Morgan would probably enjoy living in Room 101.

What would you put in Room 101, dear reader?

18 comments:

The Elephant's Child said...

Hmmm. I like rhubarb so can we take it out and just send it my way?
All of Thomas Hardy's novels. I was forced to read Tess of The Dribbles while at school. His symbolism was soooo clumsy. Angel Clare the Minister's son, golden haired, blue eyed and plays the harp. Good or bad guy? When Tess goes to visit her (possibly) future mother in law a piece of blood stained butcher's paper blows across her path. Aaaaargh.
I have ranted so much I am going to stop. There are many other additions though. Not least our would be Prime Minister, Tony Abbot.

Grace said...

See, now I will watch anything with Sean Connery in it - including "Zardoz"

River said...

I could probably think of a few things to put in room 101, top of the list being baggy-arsed jeans, along with many politicians.
I take it you don't like Piers Morgan? Hmmm?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC,

Rhubarb - yes indeed. Australia is a great place for it - because it is the other side of the planet from me. Mind you, I expect you to get rid of it when I next visit that wonderful country.

If I had gone on to study A Level English Literature I would have had to suffer Tess. I know from chatting to lads who did, that it is as bad if not worse than Casterbridge.

:0)

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Grace,

That's one reason why I watched Highlander 2. If Sean Connery was in it - it couldn't be that bad - could it?

YES!!!

Never heard of Zardoz - but I may give that a miss if it ever crosses my path.

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

If I started ranting about why I don't like Piers Morgan, I would still be going a week or two later.

Believe me when I say the post was originally more like a book - but then I had to tone it down - and the Piers Morgan section was the longest - by a fair way.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Pandora Behr said...

You have just made me laugh out loud again. I love the concept of Room 101 too (and I loved the show on British Telly - though I thought it was Angus Deayton who was presenting back in the 90s) Agree with the baggy arsed jeans - though I'd stuff Tolstoy in there, and Andrew Lloyd Webber, and women who wear far too much perfume on the tram.

Great post.

Kath said...

I'd shove all of them into Room 101 *except* for Thomas Hardy.

Love ALL of his miserable ending books. Every single one of them. Even named my first dog after one of his characters (Tess of the D'Urbervilles).

Anji said...

I'm with you on the second Highlander film. Christophe Lambert hated it too, apparently; Must have seemed a good idea at the time.

We had rhubarb in our garden when I was small and gooseberry bushes. I get a sinking feeling just thinking about them.

The rest is more cultural (I don't know most of those people except for CR - is he still alive?), but i am very glad that the 'turkish' toilets seem to have disappeared from France.

My room 101 would be having to be gagged for any length of time. Makes me struggle to breathe as I type

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

As I said - this is just the first instalment of a potentially multipart series.

Andrew Lloyd Webber? (Must not rant - save it until the next one).

Never read anything by Tolstoy - I won't now.

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

Rhubarb has now been diverted to Australia.

All of Thomas Hardy's books are on their way to Geneva.

Hope you have enough room in your apartment...

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

Oh God - yes "Sir" Cliff Richard is very much alive and still irritating the hell out of me.

I heard Christopher Lambert hated it - but couldn't get out of it apparently. I am cringing even now thinking again how abysmal it is.

:0)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

Hi Mr PM,
How about making a list of things you like and wish it will not end/run out?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

Funnily enough I have an idea about that - great minds think alike.

Watch this space ...

:0)

Cheers

PM

Christine said...

Brilliant idea.
Everyone must have a secret list for room 101. Mine, like EC's, is Oz's wannabe prime minister Tony Abbott. You just know he wants it so so bad that he will do/say anything to get there.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Christine,

Not heard of Tony Abbott - sounds like he deserves a place in Room 101 too.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Jackie K said...

I missed this post - and I had never heard of Room 101 before. I DID read 1984 and thought it was very memorable, so I must have forgotten that bit.
Can I do a post like this on my blog and credit you? You have just started a meme!
I loved Thomas Hardy - especially Jude the Obscure.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jackie,

Of course you can steak it. I steal all the time ;-)

Let me know when you post it - I'm always interested in people's pet hates.

:0)

Cheers

PM