Thursday, 2 April 2009
I’ve watched a lot of TV and films over the years and am really puzzled by the things I’ve seen. I have a few questions that some of you may know the answers to. Here’s a tiny selection:
Why don’t Bond villains just shoot James Bond immediately?
Why does Jessica Fletcher always stumble onto a murder case in Murder, She Wrote EVERY SINGLE WEEK? That woman should be arrested.
Why were there TWELVE seasons of Murder, She Wrote? I can barely sit through ten minutes of a single episode.
Why does the only unknown member of the away team always die horribly in Star Trek?
Why would anybody want to be Paris Hilton’s British best friend?
Why is Homer Simpson becoming more stupid as seasons progress?
Why are the Simpsons kids still kids after twenty years?
Why can’t villains shoot straight?
Why is the bomb discovered when there is less than a minute on a timer?
Why does the hero always just manage to defuse the bomb with one second to go?
Why are all police chiefs bad tempered nasty people?
Why do villains always reveal their master plan to the good guys rather than just shooting them?
Why do all romantic comedies have the same plot?
Why are bad guys in American films always British?
Why is there always music when somebody sings but no band is present?
Why are cute kids always using adult phrases in American comedy shows?
Why do Nazis always speak English with a German accent when talking to each other?
Why can’t anybody tell that Clark Kent is Superman with glasses?
Why do people always go downstairs to investigate a weird noise in a dark house instead of calling the police immediately?
Why is the lead cheerleader always a gorgeous bitch?
Why is the gorgeous bitch cheerleader always romantically involved with the hunky quarterback (whatever one of those is) and who is also usually a real arse?
Why is the hero cop always a maverick who ends up getting suspended?
Why does nobody press the space bar or enter key when using a computer?
Why does nobody ever go to the toilet?
Why do all phone numbers begin with 555?
Why did Theo Kojak suck a lollipop?
Why don't contestants on Deal or No Deal realise that it is just a stupid guessing game and no amount of "positive thinking" will help them win?
Why hasn’t anybody punched Jeremy Kyle yet?
Why has nobody hacked Jason Vorhees to death yet?
Why do people watch Big Brother and then claim to like the contestants?
Why do the majority of the interviewees of The Apprentice have no common sense whatsoever?
Why are the majority of the interviewees on The Apprentice such egotistical, obnoxious arses or absolute bitches?
Why do people actually participate in The Jerry Springer Show?
What can’t I turn off Clive Tyldesley’s football commentary?
Why was Earth ruled by apes at the end of the remake for Planet Of The Apes?
Why do Arnold Schwarzenegger’s characters have American names yet he still speaks with an Austrian accent throughout the film?
Why would anybody live in Albert Square? You know that bad stuff is going to happen to you.
Why did Dana Scully not believe in aliens and weird stuff when it slapped her in the face in every single episode of the X Files?
Why did Rocky Balboa beat that bloody huge Russian in Rocky IV?
Why were the Russians cheering for Rocky at the end of Rocky IV?
Why did the US struggle so much in the Vietnam war when John Rambo was fighting for them?
Why doesn’t the American President send John Rambo and John McClane to trouble spots?
Why doesn’t he just send Superman? Or Batman? Or Spiderman?
Why don’t we offer the services of James Bond or Dr Who?
Why don’t the Daleks kill Dr Who as soon as they see him?
Why is the Eurovision Song Contest not dead?
Why didn’t Sam Tyler look up Gene Hunt when he returned to the present day in Life On Mars?
Why didn’t Jean-Luc Picard go back to the point when he first met Soren in Star Trek: Generations?
Why didn’t any of the crew of Voyager beam Neelix into space? I would have.
Why didn’t any of the crew of the Enterprise beam Wesley Crusher into space? I would have.
And finally ...
Why didn’t Wonder Woman become my girlfriend in the 70s (I had such a crush on her)?
I’m particularly disappointed and depressed about the last question.