Billy No Mates

I have been Billy No Mates in the past.

You might wonder whether this is just another silly name I have invented for myself. It’s not really.

In the UK (and possibly other places) becoming “Billy No Mates” refers to situations where you find yourself on your own in a pub, in a restaurant, at a gig or some other social gathering potentially feeling self-conscious because, in your head, you think that everybody else enjoying the company other people and when they see you sitting on your own in the corner, they will laugh or feel sorry for you. 

“Look at him. He’s got no friends. HA HA HA!”

“I feel sorry for old Bill No Mates in the corner there on his own.”

The thing is that work sometimes made sure that it was difficult to avoid becoming Billy No Mates before I retired. I may have mentioned that I used to work on airport IT systems, which meant that I was often asked to fly abroad for days and sometimes weeks at a time to work with the system on site. Most of the time, I travelled with colleagues and a lot of the time, I was entertained by the customers concerned. I don’t mean that they got up and started singing and dancing – they just took me out for meals. 

However, sometimes it was just me. 

When I started travelling abroad I was still quite shy and reserved and if I ended up on my own in those early years, I was tempted to simply go to McDonalds and take my Big Mac Meal back to my lonely old hotel room and sit there on my bed munching away and feeling sorry for myself. The problem was that I had a meal allowance and as time went on I started thinking to myself that perhaps I should take advantage of this and go out to a restaurant. 

And so I did and over the years, as Billy No Mates, I’ve actually just enjoyed meals in sometimes crowded places, watching other people, listening to other conversations and not feeling that self-conscious at all. There comes a point when you realise that being Billy No Mates in such situations is fine and also can be enjoyable. 

Initially, when I plucked up the courage to do it, I used to take a book with me and read it while I was waiting for my meal. That all stopped on a trip to Toronto, Canada. I had the weekend off so, as Billy No Mates, I decided to spend Saturday exploring Toronto and Sunday exploring Niagara Falls. On Saturday, I forgot my book, which was annoying at first, but then I realised that having lunch in a coffee shop and a lovely evening meal in a lively Toronto restaurant was actually just as enjoyable as getting lost in a good book. The restaurant I chose in Toronto had a lively bar attached to it, and I thoroughly enjoyed sampling a couple of Canadian beers and just people watching as I ate. Nobody stared at me and nobody laughed. In fact, the waiters and waitresses stopped to chat a couple of times. 

On Sunday, I spent the whole day in Niagara and had a great lunch. On the way back, an old lady sat next to me on the bus (which was really a special airport taxi) and gave me her life story. She was going back to the UK for the first time for fifty years and was very nervous about it. I did my best to reassure her and, when we arrived at the airport, where I was also staying, I took her to the check-in desks and made sure that she got a boarding pass. She took me for a coffee by way of thanks and I escorted her to the departure lounge. She was most grateful.

I’ve even been on my own in Moscow in the middle of winter. During the three week trip, I was staying at an airport miles away from the city but close enough to get there by train. Armed with my Russian phrasebook, I managed to catch a train and navigate the amazing underground subway system. I found a Mexican restaurant I had been to before with a colleague on a previous trip, and I enjoyed a lovely Mexican meal while watching a live Russian band performing rock music, all washed down with a couple of Baltika beers. There was even an argument in there between a couple and although I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying, it was entertaining. 

All this brings me to the point of this post, which I am reaching in a roundabout way. 

One thing that helps if you find yourself on your own in a pub or restaurant, whether you are actively being Billy No Mates or just waiting for somebody who is delayed, is to have your phone with you. I recall one night when I was in Hong Kong alone, again on a work trip, when I decided to go to a couple of places where Mrs PM had been to when we lived there for three months. In fact it was my very last work trip to Hong Kong. This was not a smartphone but it had a camera and a couple of games so it kind of passed the time. Mrs PM and I would go to a bar called Delaney’s in Wan Chai and then have a meal in a Mexican restaurant called La Placita in Causeway Bay. For old times sake, I wandered into Delaney’s only to find that the bar had moved. I sat at the bar with a beer and chatted to Mrs PM via text. It felt like I wasn’t alone at all. Later, I went to find La Placita but it too had closed. Instead I went to an American diner we had visited a couple of times and again, I chatted via text to Mrs PM, saying how disappointed I was that La Placita was closed. And I was barely aware that I was Billy No Mates – even though I was. 

Since then, phone technology has exploded and just about everybody you see has one. They are far more than just a phone and almost everybody has become reliant on them – myself included. However, this appears to have had a negative effect. What you see now is people in bars and restaurants spending their time engrossed in their phones even when they are with people. It seems a lot of people want to become Billy No Mates, ironically even if they are with their mates. 

I’ve mentioned this before but there was one recent example I saw in a local pub. Three young people were sitting at a table and they were clearly together. All of them were totally absorbed in whatever was on their phones and nobody was talking, that is until one of them ran out of beer and asked whose round it was. They all chose to be Billy No Mates even though they were together. What was the point of being out with friends if all you can do is spend your time on your phone?

It’s crazy. 

I still become Billy No Mates occasionally these days and when I do I use my smartphone to entertain me if necessary. But if I am waiting for a friend in a pub, say, the phone is returned to my pocket the very moment they arrive. 

These days, the only time I become Billy No Mates is when I am waiting for somebody or on public transport on my own. That said, I am quite happy to go to the cinema on my own for example. The same applies to rock concerts. I have a group of mates who all love a bit of rock music and we tend to all go together but occasionally I have to go on my own if the band concerned is more progressive. And I don’t mind that either. For example I have in recent years happily become Billy No Mates to see Riverside, Rush, Porcupine Tree and Dream Theater because I’m the only one out of our group that likes them.

I guess the moral of the post is that It's okay to become Billy No Mates but I’m not sure that becoming Billy No Mates when you are out with friends because of your smartphone is cool really. 

You can’t beat a real conversation with a human being. 

Truth or Dare

Welcome to a cloudy but warm South Manchester. According to the weather forecast the weather is going to improve further next week so that’s something to look forward to. I’m off to a see a David Bowie tribute act tonight, which should be fun. I had the chance to see David Bowie in person way back when he did his Glass Spider tour and, like an idiot, I decided against it. In terms of gigs, it is one of my biggest regrets. 

Shall we answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Did it take physical or emotional courage?

I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge and it took a lot of courage because I am terrified of heights. This was back in 2005 and we were in Australia with Mrs PM’s mum and her other half. Mrs PM said she was going to do it on her own but Mrs PM’s mum suggested that I go with her. I resisted at first and when Mrs PM’s mum tried to persuade me more, I suggested that she go instead. 

Mrs PM is a very determined woman and once she has something in her mind she will almost always follow through. She was going to go anyway. Mrs PM’s mum eventually succeeded in making me feel guilty and all the way there I was having second thoughts. Mrs PM told me I didn’t have to go but I was stupid and went for it. After all, my insane mind told me, this is an achievement that I can boast about. 

Except I haven’t boasted about it at all. Whenever I tell people about it, I tell the absolute truth. The whole experience terrified me and if I could go back in time, I would never do such a stupid thing again. 

The worst thing about it was that they had to cater for various levels of fitness so the whole thing took three hours. I was quite fit at the time and it frustrated me that we were going so slowly. I would have preferred to just climb it in my own time but we kept stopping and looking around, which made my heart almost explode from my chest every single time. 

Did it take physical courage? No – not at all. It wasn’t difficult physically and even now, 23 years later, I feel I could easily endure the physical side of it. 

Did it take emotional courage? Absolutely. I was shitting my pants all the way up to the top and all the way down. I gripped Mrs PM’s hand and shoulders all the way (except for when we were climbing ladders). I told the guide that I loved the experience, lying through my teeth, and told him repeatedly that I was perfectly fine. The reality was that my apparent cool and calm exterior hid a mess of terror and adrenalized insanity. 

I hated every second of it. 

And when it was all over and I found myself on solid ground again, I grabbed Mrs PM’s hand and dragged her down to the nearest pub I could find, in The Rocks area, near the bridge. I pushed in at the bar and said “Give me a beer – any beer – and a BIG ONE!”

And armed with a cool beer, my fear gradually dissipated with the adrenaline, and this song came on the juke box:

At that moment, sitting there with a cold beer and Mrs PM, who was actually quite worried about me for a while, I felt more relief and happiness than I ever have. 

And “Hey Little Girl” reminds me of that feeling. It is one of my favourite songs of all time. 

Am I glad I did it? Yes – just to say I achieved it – but I will never ever ever EVER do anything so stupid again in my life.

2. Where did you meet the love of your life?

Mrs PM and I worked together for a couple of years. We were on the same team working on a project for Hong Kong’s Chek Lap Kok airport and eventually we ended up on in Hong Kong together. I had visited Hong Kong many times before this particular trip but it was Mrs PM’s first trip abroad in a working capacity. We were there for three weeks and the inevitable happened when she told me her feelings. This is why Hong Kong is a special place for us and why we try to go back there as often as we can.

3. What brand/flavour of coffee are you drinking these days?

I don’t drink that much coffee to be honest and when I do it is decaffeinated. An Australian friend of mine calls it “What’s the Point?” as in what’s the point of drinking decaffeinated coffee. I am weird in the sense that I still like the taste of coffee. 

Usually I drink Kenco instant coffee but if I fancy a cup of the real stuff I will choose Lavazza Italian decaffeinated coffee grounds. 

4. What's the coolest place you've ever visited and how did you get there (car, plane, motorcycle, etc.)?

I have travelled to 40 different countries and to be perfectly honest with you it is very difficult to select a coolest place from them all. I have seen many different cool things all of which have been amazing. 

It would be remiss of me to pick just one, but I have to say that when I consider weirdness, culture shock, slightly eccentric and just exciting in so many ways, I will say that Japan is probably the coolest place I have been. 

I love the Far East and we are planning to go to Malaysia next year, with a trip possibly to South Korea and Japan again a couple of years after that. 

How did I get there? I walked. Not really, I flew from Hong Kong to Tokyo, having spent a couple of days in Hong Kong, which we reached in a plane but this time from Manchester via Munich in Germany. 

5. What's the best concert you ever attended?

This is another difficult question because I have been to countless concerts. My favourite genre is Progressive Rock but I also like Heavy Metal and my eclectic taste stretches to pop music, electronic ambience and even classical music. 

I have seen bands as diverse as Rush, Metallica, the Stranglers, the Human League, Bruce Springsteen, Gary Numan, New Order and Alison Goldfrapp.

When I looked at this question I decided to list the first concert that came to mind and that was German Industrial Metal Band, Rammstein.

The band sings in their native German and despite that, they are very popular amongst the metal community worldwide, selling out concerts in Europe, the UK and America, playing in vast arenas to thousands of people. Their shows involve huge pyrotechnics that make the show incredible even if you aren’t into the music or don’t understand the lyrics. In their native Germany they are very controversial because they sing about very provocative topics. For example, here is an amusing video about the cult of plastic surgery and body enhancements in the world or celebrity:

I have seen them three times but the best one was the last time in the Manchester Arena for their greatest hits tour. I speak a little German and am currently trying to improve it, so I understand why they are so controversial.

When they are live, there is fire everywhere, even on the band members themselves. Here is an example. This song is called Benzin and if you fast forward and watch from about 4:00 you will see what happens to a man in a hoody who “invades” the stage.

And that is one of the less controversial things they do. 

All round good entertainment for people who love that kind of music. 

Bubbles

Like all human beings on Earth, I live in a body that allows me to physically move around the planet. At the moment this fleshy vehicle is still in working order although it is quite old and slightly world-weary (it is 62 years old after all). Nevertheless, it is useful for getting me from place to place and is still good enough to do so with minimal trauma, as long as I don’t try to overdo it. 

Similarly, and again like all human beings, I live in a mental bubble. This bubble allows me to take in inputs from a variety of sources and compute the best reaction and also dictate what I do. It contains my view of the world, my opinions and helps me navigate and utilise my body. 

I like to think that I am aware of the veracity of the information contained in the bubble and that by and large everything in there is based on the truth as perceived by my intelligence, awareness and how I process the vast quantities of information that have to be processed within on a second by second basis.

In this regard, in the same way as our bodies, no two individuals have the same bubble. Every person has his or her view of the world based on how the information has been processed. Yet, we all think that our own view of the world is the only one that is one hundred percent correct. I am guilty of this and, unlike some people, I like to think that I could possibly be wrong about some things. 

One of the biggest challenges to most people is social media which gives everybody who embraces it access to what is going on inside the bubbles of other people. I struggle with this sometimes because I don’t like to be swayed by things for which I have no proof. I would rather spend my time learning about facts and judge things based on them. 

A good example of what I am talking about is music. I always chuckle when an album is released by an artist I have never heard of that is portrayed as the best thing ever recorded: 

“The greatest singer/songwriter of our age bares his soul in a soaring new release”. 

Really? I am willing to listen to such albums out of interest but I would never spend money on such a thing unless I actually liked it myself. 

It’s the same with movies: 

“This movie is a phenomenal triumph”

Really? Why did it only score 1.6 on IMDB?

Ultimately it is all a matter of personal choice. 

What I don’t understand is the concept of “influencers”. I have seen people describe themselves as “influencers” and I daresay that there are some people who really are influenced by them but I don’t get it. I certainly don’t let such people influence me. There are a lot of people who I admire for being good actors, musicians, singers, authors etc. but I don’t follow their life choices or allow my own bubble to blindly be manipulated by the so-called “truth” that comes from their bubble. A lot of people allow this to happen and I find that bizarre. 

I can’t be a copycat for a rock star for example. Some of my musical heroes have been wild men who think they are indestructible and abuse their bodies in ways that are shocking. For example, I admire Ozzy Osbourne because of his music, yet if I had adopted his hedonistic attitude towards drugs and booze, I probably wouldn’t be here to write this post. Besides, I don’t like all of his music, just certain aspects of it. 

I know people who have followed “influencers” and adopted aspects of their dress sense, their musical taste and their political views. Some “influencers” also spread bullshit about everything from finances, health and conspiracy. And gullible people buy it all. 

As I was approaching retirement, I started looking into potential new hobbies that I could take up over the next few years and I have a list of some very interesting ones such as genealogy, wine tasting, photography etc. and I have several that I probably will take up when I get bored of my current hobbies. 

One caught my eye and it made me laugh: become a social media influencer. 

Really? At my age? I did some research on this and discovered to my amusement that there really are old influencers who have decided to use their life experiences to earn money from social media. I can partly see the point of that if they are offering their experience as a guide and, to be honest, I think that there is probably some wisdom from people my age who have seen and done a lot. 

I would never do that. But then again, isn’t blogging a form of social media. I have been blogging since 2008. Mostly the stuff I hurl out there into cyberspace is total horseshit – but am I trying to influence people – even subconsciously? 

Is my little bubble casting out a net in order to ensnare other more gullible bubbles and lead them stray? 

Am I a colossal hypocrite? 

The answer is of course, no (although the caveat to that is that I am a hypocrite in other ways; I’m just not an “influencer”). 

My aim is to fling my nonsense into cyberspace in the hope that my words will cheer somebody up or bring a little smile to somebody's face. 

That is all. 

The thought of myself being an “influencer” fills me with horror and makes me laugh out loud. If, as a result of reading this blog, you become a weirdo who wants to travel a lot, move to Manchester, listen to progressive rock and metal, rant a lot about politics and many other subjects while supporting a useless football team in League Two then you probably need help. 

Having said that, based on some of the comments I have received over the years, most people who stumble on this blog disagree with a lot of the aspects of my thought processes.

And that is the way it should be, dear reader. 

Be the unique person you are and be yourself. 

Don’t let anybody burst your bubble.

I’ll leave you with a song by Steven Wilson about following “Influencers”.

Old Man Hoodie

Welcome to a beautiful day in South Manchester. The weather has been odd recently because we have had wall to wall sunshine in the last two weeks with higher than average temperatures. This has made my morning walks very enjoyable indeed. Sadly it will end on Sunday when rain is forecast. 

Last weekend we were in York with my two lads and the weather was fantastic. I love York and we don’t go there often enough in my opinion. We were pure tourists on Saturday, walking along the Shambles, visiting bookshops, sight-seeing and taking photographs of the Minster as well as throwing ourselves into the Jorvik centre where I gazed upon what York was like under Vikings in the year 1000. I am blond with blue eyes so maybe my ancestors were Vikings. I must make a mental note to get my DNA tested. 

Shall we answer some daft questions from Sunday Stealing? 

1. Do you own a pair of cargo pants?

No – I own two pairs of cargo pants. I must admit that I only bought them recently with a view to wearing them around the house instead of jeans but I do like them, I have to say. I think perhaps they are more fitting for a person younger than me but they are comfortable. 

On the same subject, just before I retired, the company insisted on giving everybody a company hoodie. I was leaving so I respectfully declined it. They insisted that I keep it so I reluctantly took it, vowing never to wear it. I planned to put it in the loft as a souvenir of working there. However, for a laugh, I wore it on my last day in the office and I have to say that I thought it was amazing. It was comfortable and really warm. 

And now, seven months after I retired, I still wear it around the house (I would never wear it outside because it advertises the company and makes me look like a huge geek). Moreover, I liked it so much that I bought two more hoodies. 

I have a couple of mates who I go to gigs with, one in his sixties and one in his fifties, and both of them wear hoodies with band logos on them. I think they look okay but one of them has been chastised by his wife for wearing a hoodie and cargo pants. “You look like a ten year old!” she said. 

I say – who cares? 

2. Which of these gifts from a romantic partner would please you most: a) jewellery, b) wine, c) a book, d) something grown in his/her garden?

I have bought jewellery, wine and books for Mrs PM over the years. 

Books and wine are easy because I know what she likes. However, buying jewellery for her is a nightmare. Her mum once bought her a ring and when she unwrapped it, I must admit I thought the ring was really nice, so much so that I told Mrs PM. She looked at me as if I had just crawled out of a primeval swamp. 

“It’s horrible,” she said. 

I was aware that I had bought her jewellery in the past without showing it to her first and I know that was a mistake. It was a response to “Surprise me!” when I asked what she wanted for Christmas. She still has the surprise jewellery that I bought her but I don’t think she wears it often. As for the ring, she gave it back to her mum to change and her mum ended up keeping it. Despite what Mrs PM said, I still like it and I backed her mum in this case. It is also the reason why I do not buy Mrs PM surprises any more and if she wants jewellery, she has to pick it herself and send me a link. 

That keeps us both happy. 

3. Who was the last person to toss a harsh word or phrase your way? Do you think that maybe you had it coming?

It was undoubtedly Mrs PM and I almost certainly absolutely deserved it. 

4. Did you appear in any plays back when you were in school? If yes, what role(s) did you play? Earn extra, non-existent points for sharing any of your dialogue.

Yes. I appeared in three plays, all of which occurred between the ages of eight and ten. 

The first was co-written by myself and friend and was a typical good guy/bad guy play set in a Western setting and was absolutely dreadful. I played a sheriff complete with cowboy hat and plastic holster and gun. We bought caps especially for it and had a shoot out in the saloon complete with tomato ketchup for special effects. 

The second was Sleeping Beauty and I played the Prince. I had to kiss the princess (poor girl) and she struggled not to laugh as I approached her. 

The third was Alice in Wonderland and I played gryphon, complete with a cloak acting as wings, a balaclava with a huge cardboard beak sewn onto the top and hundreds of bright yellow crepe paper  feathers stuck to the cloak, balaclava and my shirt to complete the effect. I had to sing a song with Alice and the Mock Turtle. And, yes, I do recall one line and the some of the song lyrics.

Lines:

“Hello, is your name Alice? I'm the Gryphon and I’ve come here to take you to see the Mock Turtle”.

Song Lyrics:

“Beautiful Soup! Beautiful Soup! Soup, soup of the evening! Beautiful beautiful soup!”

Do I get extra non-existent points?

5. Which Osmond do you like better: Donny or Marie?

That’s like choosing between having you toenails or your fingernails removed with pliers.

The elder of my two sisters loved them both and I often had to hear her bellowing:

“PAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPEEERRRRRRR ROOOOSSSSEEESSSS!”

or

“This is not a Puppy Love!”

I hated both of them. However, I do have an answer. I think I would say Donny Osmond but only because he appears on this song, which I love:

6. Who is your favourite radio host or podcaster?

I don’t have one. However, back in the day when I used to actually listen to the radio, I liked two DJ’s who played music that didn’t fit in with the normal tosh they played. 

Those guys were Tommy Vance (or as he declared himself to be “TV on the Radio”). He was the DJ for “The Friday Rock Show” on BBC Radio One and he was allowed to play all manner of rock and metal songs that never would have been played normally. This show was on at 10pm on a Friday night and I used to listen to it religiously along with thousands of other budding metalheads. Over the years he gradually rose to prominence and eventually presented the prestigious Top 40 radio show where he loved to play the full versions of any rock song that crept into the charts, including the full version of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s amazing Freebird. 

The second was the legendary John Peel. Apparently he had a huge record collection and everything he played on his show was from that collection. His taste was varied from the Beatles to extreme metal band Napalm Death and he basically just played what he liked and was very forthright in his views on all manner of music. Like Tommy Vance, he too was relegated to late night slots.

7. Is your personal workspace filled with fluffy, plastic wind-up, rubbery or edible items? Or are you all business and clutter free?

My desk at home has three really stupid things that my youngest lad Mike bought me for Christmas. The first is a Groot light and the other two are Rubik’s cubes. 

They look ridiculous but who cares?