Swap Another Bot

Welcome to a rainy South Manchester where autumn weather has finally kicked in, erasing all traces of summer until 2024. I am working from my kitchen today, waiting for the delivery of my new desk and a cupboard for the backroom, which is now almost complete. We have had a couple of weeks of upheaval but we now have a new floor, new sofas and a freshly painted and wallpapered room. 

It looks good and I look forward to moving all my stuff back in over the course of the next week.

Let’s answer some sill questions from Sunday Stealing, shall we? 

1. Write about the best decision you ever made. How did you make it? Was it reasoning or gut instinct?

Probably the best decision I have made is to agree to continue my education and move away from my hometown of Walsall to Liverpool in order to attend university there. At the time, I was really a product of a working class background and people like me didn’t usually go into further education. My mum kind of expected me to leave school and get a job immediately but my dad encouraged me to improve and better myself. It’s a shame he never saw what became of me, though he was still alive when I gained a place at Liverpool University. 

I was the first person in my family to do this, but was followed closely by my youngest sister who also moved away to university five years later. The elder of my two sisters didn’t but eventually a few decades later, left her job to then go to university and completely change her career. 

For me, it was reasoning rather than gut instinct. It was clear that I was good enough to do it and I succeeded and ended up with a great job, a good life and more opportunities that I could throw a stick at. 

I’ve never looked back.

2. What ONE thing would you change about your life? How would your life be different?

I would retire because I am now ready to put my career behind me. The truth of the matter is that this will happen soon anyway (I am an old git) so it’s not really a surprise – it’s just a question of when.

Don’t get me wrong; I have enjoyed my job – I am just fed up of it now. And I think it’s almost time to wave it goodbye.

How would my life be different? I don’t know to be honest. I hope I will have time to pursue the interests that I have and find some new ones. I have a few ideas for new pursuits and I think the good thing about being retired is that I will be able to try things out and see how I feel about them. If I don’t like them I can ditch them with no real consequences. 

I’m looking forward to it. 

3. What is the hardest thing you have ever done? Why was it hard for you? What did you learn?

Moving to Manchester almost 40 years ago was tough. I had finished university and armed with a degree I had to decide what to do and where to go. I think my mum expected me to move back to Walsall but three years away from home changed me so I wasn’t going to go back there. It was hard because I think my mum was disappointed for me to be so far away. 

I got a job in Manchester and decided that it would be a good stepping stone to possibly move down to London. I didn’t really know what I was going to do but as I settled into my new city, I began to love the place and, in the end, despite a couple of temptations, I decided to stay.

I’ve been here ever since and I have absolutely no plans to move away – apart from travelling from time to time of course.

4. What is your greatest hope for your future? What steps can you take to make it happen?

I would love to be fluent in a different language. I am currently fluent in English, American, Canadian and Australian and a few other English dialects dotted around the globe. But it’s not enough. 

I get frustrated going to foreign countries where I can’t understand the language. 

I speak a little French, a fair amount of Spanish, a little German and, after my trip to Sicily, I have started teaching myself Italian. I don’t think I’ll ever be fluent in any of those languages but at least I will be able to express myself, understand what is going on and perhaps have a simple conversation. 

When I retire, I am planning to enrol in a Spanish class in Manchester city centre (there are a couple of places that immerse you in Spanish), so that will be good. I am currently using Duolingo for Spanish and Italian and plan to brush up on my French and German in due course.

5. If you can time travel, what will you tell your teenage self?

I would tell him to remove all doubts about further education and go to university. I would also advise him to take language lessons on the side – and embrace travelling sooner.

6. Write about the most glorious moment in your life so far.

There have been a few.

• Getting a degree in Computational and Statistical Science

• Seeing the birth of my two sons

• Working in Hong Kong for three months (having already been there numerous times before).

• My first four week trip to the US.

• Visiting Australia, China, Thailand, Vietnam and Japan.

• Meeting Mrs PM

Lots of others.

7. Write about a moment you feel brave.

I was stupidly brave the day that I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I remember asking the lady who I paid for this terrifying experience about how easy it would be for a person who was scared of heights.

“Leave your fear on the ground, mate” she replied in that typical Aussie manner, rolling her eyes.

And I did it – but my arse went as soon as I saw the first ladder. 

What followed was about three hours of pure terror and I cursed myself as I endured it for that first stupid moment when I felt brave enough to do it. 

I don’t regret it at all – it was a wonderful experience and I can add it to my list of achievements.

But I will never, ever, ever, EVER do anything that stupid again.

8.  What made you happy today?

The arrival of my new desk, new office chair and cupboard will make me very happy today (they haven’t arrived yet).

9. What do you dislike most about growing up?

Getting old is irritating for many reasons. My once young body is creaking more as every year passes and while I look young for my age, I know that my brain is 61 years old and that, really, I should be a sensible adult. 

My problem is that I have never been a sensible adult; there is a child in my head that is fighting to be released. I try to release that child as often as I can because that is when I feel happiest – the sweet innocence and stupidity of a child that just wants to play and have fun. 

You have to release your inner child as often as you can – and sometimes people (serious people) frown and look down on you when it happens. 

Once, a grumpy old woman asked me, “How old are you? Forty or fourteen?”. She was frowning at my silly antics with the kids.

“I wish I was fourteen,” I replied. “I’m not – but at least I’m happy!”

I don’t think she liked that answer.

10. Write about ten activities you love the most and why you love them.

(a) Exploring a foreign city (and getting lost). I love travelling to weird and wonderful places and getting to know them.

(b) Listening to music as often as I can. It helps me forget my woes and raises my spririts.

(c) Attempting to write anything, including this post. I may not be a very good writer but I find it cathartic and I love taking trips in the wonderful places in imagination.

(d) My daily walks. I walk at least four miles a day and it gives me time to think about things as well as just observing what is going on.

(e) Reading a good book. Again this is a form of escapism for me and helps me to forget any troubles by getting lost in the story.

(f) Going to live gigs. As you saw above, I love music but seeing some of my favourite artists in the flesh is always a great experience.

(g) Playing the piano. I am still learning this and it is far more difficult than I thought it would be. But I feel a sense of achievement and one day I hope to make music of my own – it’s a long way off but I am slowly, slowly, slowly improving.

(h) Meeting friends in a pub or a restaurant. There is nothing better than a good social occasion, chatting, eating, being silly and enjoying people’s company.

(i) Learning a new language. See my answer to (4). 

(j) Watching TV with Mrs PM and the cats. It is good just relaxing and escaping into a TV series or movie.

11. Do you have an embarrassing moment that still makes you cringe? Write about it in as much detail as you feel comfortable!

Oh dear – there are lots. Okay – this one leaps to mind immediately because it was particularly embarrassing for me. 

I was working in Amsterdam and in the evening, we went to an Ethiopian restaurant because neither of us had tried Ethiopian food before. We were chatting away as the waitresses bought food when I realised that I needed a beer. 

I saw a waitress walking towards me and I raised my hand to call her.

“Excuse me!” I said. 

My colleague said “No – Dave!”

“What’s up with you?” I asked. “I want a drink.”

“Don’t, Dave!” he said.

I ignored him and called out to the waitress again. She seemed to be ignoring me so I shouted louder, loud enough for her to hear me.

My colleague performed a classic facepalm and shook his head. 

I had no idea what was wrong with him, and to be honest, I was a little annoyed because it seemed like he didn’t want me to have a beer. I didn’t understand. 

The waitress came over and said. “What’s the matter?”

“Can I order a beer?” I said, still frowning at my facepalming colleague!

“Oh,” she said. “Do you want me to get a waiter for you?”

“What?” I said, puzzled. 

And then it dawned on me. This was not a waitress. This was a customer who was going to the toilet but who just happened to have a white blouse and black trousers on, similar to the waitresses but really obviously not the same. 

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry,” I said. “I thought you were a waitress.”

Somehow that compounded the issue. She frowned at me and had a slight look of surprise and then turned away and walked back, past her seat to grab a waitress. She pointed to me and the real waitress came over.

I was so embarrassed. The customer walked past me to go to the toilet as my colleague said,

“You absolute muppet!”

I blushed so much that my face was the same colour as the red tablecloth. I had to swallow my pride. When the customer sat down again, I walked up to her table.

”Again I am so, so sorry,” I squawked. “I mistook you for a waitress. I … I … I ….”

“It’s alright,” she smiled as her fellow diners sniggered at my expense.

I relived the moment for about a month as my colleague told the story again and again to my workmates.

12. What has been your best trip so far?

That’s so difficult to answer. 

Japan, the US, Australia, China, Vietnam, Russia, Canada, Brazil and loads of other ones are right up there. It’s too difficult to answer really.

 13. Write a list of 5 things (physical or personality-wise) you love about yourself, and why they make you unique.

That’s difficult because I am a strategically shaved baboon. But here goes …

(a) I’ve been told that my bum is very attractive by Mrs PM and a couple of other women.

(b) I can make people laugh (sometimes without meaning to). That’s always a good thing.

(c) I’m quite a clever guy .

(d) Apparently my eyes are quite nice (even though they are useless for actually seeing things without glasses).

(e) I hate upsetting anybody – even the people I am less keen on. I try to be nice to absolutely everyone – with the possible exception of Boris Johnson and Piers Morgan should I ever be unfortunate enough to meet either of them.

14. Discuss 5 things you wish others knew about you.

(a) Deep down I am shy. If you ever meet me and I seem aloof or I talk too fast, that’s the reason. Give me time to get used to you and I am absolutely fine.

(b) I have a fairly thick skin but sometimes I can be sensitive about things.

(c) I hate arguing. I mean I REALLY hate arguing. Please don’t argue with me.

(d) Sometimes, I just like to be alone. I am really an ambivert but the introvert within can be quite demanding sometimes.

(e) I am kind and helpful – but don’t take the piss.

15. Is social media a blessing or a curse?

At first I loved it but these days I don’t really engage with it that much. I am on Facebook and I have recently connected with two guys from school who I haven’t seen for well over forty years, which is amazing. However, it can be dreadful and it has ruined people’s lives. I can see a time when people start to abandon it in droves. 

The one thing that I simply don’t understand is the concept of an “influencer”. I find it strange and weird and it puzzles me that people will follow a person whose live simply consists of telling you about where they go, what they do and what clothes they wear. It’s just weird (and that is something coming from a weirdo like myself).