Questions You Never Thought You'd Ask

Welcome to day 90 of the Coronavirus lockdown. Things are slowly easing in the UK and the rate of infection is also heading down. 

Also, I have had a lockdown haircut. I was sick to death of trying to blast my sentient hair with products to keep it under control so I tried to buy some hair clippers. Eventually I managed to (I think every other male in the UK also had the same idea). 

Yesterday, Mrs PM put on her battle gear and attacked my hair with the clippers and some scissors. She did an amazing job, given that she’s never cut hair before and now I look vaguely human again.

Also, I have been growing a beard as an experiment. I gave myself six weeks to see what it would look like and I am four weeks into that period. And I have to say that it doesn’t look bad. When I was younger I couldn’t grow a beard for love nor money but now, being an old git, I seem to have found the ability to do this. 

The downside is that there is a little grey in there but what do you expect at 57 years of age?

Anyway, time to answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could spend a day in someone else’s shoes who would it be and why?

I would spend a day in Boris Johnson’s shoes, hopefully taking his form so that I could right the wrongs that he has perpetrated. I would publicly admit that I am a liar and a fraud, I would sack Dominic Cummings and make another cabinet shuffle to get rid of the most odious characters. I would then call another Brexit referendum, another General Election and finally resign as Prime Minister at the end of the day.

That would teach the incompetent, lying buffoon.

2. Which celebrity gets on your nerves the most, and why?

I can’t answer that question because there are simply too many of them. I get annoyed in particular about celebrities who are “famous” for nothing, like the Kardashians or anybody has appeared on a reality TV show and become famous for just being outrageous. Of course, People like Piers Morgan and Jamie Oliver make me angry as soon as they open their mouths, mainly because they try to preach at me. 

There are just too many, dear reader. One day I will list them all, and it will read as a passenger list for the giant spaceship I intend to build when I become World President. They will all be sent to the depths of outer space to rid the planet of them all.

3. If you were going to bury a time capsule, what would you put in it?

Old photographs, a few old bits of writing that I had done, a few CDs with some of my favourite music, a couple of newspapers, my old laptop and various other bits and bobs. I haven’t really thought about it to be honest.

4. What is your saddest memory?

Death of a loved one – every one of them.

5. Would you rather be in your pyjamas or a suit all day?

I think if I were in my suit all day I would probably be going to a wedding and I do like a good wedding. I think I would say a suit – I can’t wait to get out of my pyjamas if I’m honest.

6. What’s the strangest place you’ve ever gone potty?

In the UK “gone potty” also means “gone mad” but I think this probably means “go to the toilet” so I will assume it is that.  I have been to many strange toilets as you can imagine but one of the weirdest ones was in Hong Kong. I went to a restaurant in the Peninsular Hotel, a very very posh hotel. We managed to get a reservation for an early discounted meal (it was still very expensive) and it was very nice (if not totally overpriced). The restaurant was high up in the hotel and the gents toilets were immaculate. However, as I stood there, allowing nature to take it’s course, I found myself staring out of a window at the streets of Kowloon. The view as magnificent but it was so weird.

I almost took a photograph – not of the act itself (that would be revolting) – but of the view. I decided not to because taking a photograph in a gentleman’s toilet is at best frowned upon and at worst – well I think you can imagine what I mean.

Thankfully, somebody else has already taken a photo for me.

7. How old were you went you had your first kiss?

I was seven years old. I think I have mentioned this before. 

8. Do you have any strange or unique phobias?

Not really. I have several normal phobias, heights, public speaking, spiders but nothing weird.

9. If you could bring back one toy from your childhood, what would it be?

I think it would probably be a board game or some form of building toy, like Lego or Stickle Bricks.

10. If you could be any Disney villain, which would you be?

I would be Shere Kahn from the Jungle Book, a smooth criminal voiced by George Sanders with sharp claws who was the King of that particular jungle.

11. If your life was a novel, what would the title be.

Believe it or not, I started writing down a few memories about three years ago, mainly for the benefit of future generations (and of course for a bit of fun). I pop back and scribble a few things down occasionally. I have called it “Insignificant Memoirs”.

I guess if it were like a novel, rather than just talking about old stuff, I would call it something different like

“The boy who never grew up”.

12. What do you need more of in your life?

Time – absolutely no doubt about that. I have so many things that I want to do and, being quite old, there is limited time in which to do them.

13. What are your top 3 quotes?

Top three quotes made by me or top three quotes from other people? I can’t recall every single nonsensical quote that I have ever made so I shall assume the latter. 

I don’t know to be honest – but here are a few I quite like:

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

14. What do you want people to remember about you?

I like to think that people will smile when they remember me. I love making other people laugh, mostly because of jokes at my own expense, and when I am gone I would like to think that when they recall some of the stupid things I have said and done (and there are loads of them, believe me), that I can still bring a smile to their faces.

15. What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made?

What? Is this a simple answer to a question or a bloody book? As I implied in my answer to the previous question, I have done lots of stupid things and I continue to do stupid things – like admitting doing stupid things on this blog. 

The biggest mistake? Well, given that I am deeply into the music that I love, I would say not learning to play the guitar. On my dad’s advice (poor advice – sorry dad) I took up the trombone. A bloody trombone! Can you believe it? I couldn’t – which is why I gave it up after four years. But if it had been a guitar I would definitely have carried on and I could have become something like this:

So that’s quite a big mistake!