Friday, 18 November 2011

Adopt a Plastic Mancunian


Dogs cannot write or speak. Neither can donkeys, cats or meerkats.

Why am I stating the obvious?

There are many people in the world who love animals. I, too, am an animal lover, particularly cats and dogs.

Nevertheless, I don’t quite understand the philosophy behind the concept of animal adoption. I’m not talking about going to the Cat Protection League to give a cat a good home; or a trip to the Dog Pound to adopt a stray dog.

I’m talking about the concept of adopting a wild animal that you rarely if ever get to meet for a monthly fee.

I’m not stupid enough to consider the alternative, for example, letting a tiger rampage through you house (though I think Liquorice would give a tiger a good run for its money). I’m talking about these “packs” you can get to adopt, say, a meerkat or another animal you would never consider having as a pet.

The idea is that you pay a certain amount of money a month and you get to adopt the animal concerned. You only get to meet the little creature if you spend an absolutely whopping amount of money per month otherwise you and up with little more than a photo and your name listed somewhere.

Even funnier is the promise that your animal will write you a letter. Can you imagine a dog trying to write a letter or type something?

I smell a rat – I reckon the letter part is made up.

Some people have likened me to a wild animal (or at least a dumb one). So what do you think of a plan to “Adopt a Plastic Mancunian”?

Do you think that might catch on?

Based on what I’ve read, I reckon there might be some mileage in trying to get people to “adopt” me.

Can I try an advert for this service on you, dear reader? Will there be anybody who would fall for this?


Meet Dave! As far as Plastic Mancunians are concerned, this is a really weird specimen. He is a bit old and decrepit but his heart is in the right place and he is forever scurrying around, making strange bleating and growling sounds. 


His daily routine is utterly predictable and he can actually perform tricks when requested. He loves a pint of beer and can be seen scampering between his den and the beer trough occasionally. He is also hard working and comical (well a lot of people laugh at him anyway).


His thick pelt is mainly located on his large misshapen head and in the morning you might be forgiven for mistaking him for a ball of straw. A quick dunk in water usually does the trick and he begins to actually look vaguely human. 


Overall we think you may find him a pleasant little creature, predicable and grumpy, yes, but interesting enough to amuse you if you push the right buttons.


Would you like to adopt Dave the Plastic Mancunian?


For a monthly fee of £400 we will send you an adoption folder consisting of:
  • A certificate
  • A photograph (we will make sure we provide one that doesn’t scare your children)
  • A copy of his birth certificate – with the date changed to make him seem younger.
  • A weekly letter 
  • Your name listed on “The Plastic Mancunian” blog.
What will you £400 be sent on? 


Dave is broke and would love to be released into the wild. Your monthly fee will provide:
  • Food in the nicest restaurants in Manchester
  • Beer (you should see his little face when we give him a pint of beer)
  • Clothes (the ones he wears at the moment are fashionable – if you live in the year 1956)
The remainder of the fee will be put into a bank and ultimately will be spent on a round the world airline ticket as well as hotel fees and excursions to allow little Dave to see as much of the world as possible. 


Adopt now – make a Plastic Mancunian happy.

Do you think it will work? 

If you are tempted, please let me know – and I promise you one thing – you don’t actually have to meet me. 

That would be a little TOO much to bear.

And I promise I will write you a letter – it will appear on this blog (the fact that others may see it is irrelevant – I will address it personally to you – honestly).

How can you resist these photos?





On second thoughts - don't answer that question!!!

19 comments:

drb said...

I do receive letters 'from' guide dog puppies I adopted. I do enjoy reading the letters which describe the trainings and camps each adoptee went to, and they are signed with 'paw print'. Of course, the letters were written by the trainers from the perspective of the puppies.

The Elephant's Child said...

You need to add the paragraphs saying that PM is in danger of being shot by poachers and assorted bits of him used in medicines (I suspect you would have fun here, specifying which bits of you the poachers are after). And another paragraph or so rending the heartstrings still further by saying that there is only one left in the wild(ish).

I won't play this game and another one which sends me silly is the 'sponsor a child' and get his/her photo, and letters etc. I worry about what happens to the ugly child in the family. No sponsorship? I am happy to provide support in helping whole villages out of poverty, but not one cute child among the dozens. Sorry, you got me on one of my soap boxes.

River said...

Sorry, that idea desn't appeal to me at all.
Not one bit.
Really, 400 pounds? (My keyboard doesn't have the pound key, only the dollar key)
If I had 400 pounds leftover, I'd be building up my own bank account, not that of someone I'd adopted.
I think most of these things are a bit suspect. Imagine if thousands of people all over the world adopted the same animal. Whoever is behind that proposition would be rolling in dollars.

Anji said...

Pass

Kath Lockett said...

I'm .... speechless .....

Hang on.... how about adding 'For as little as four hundred pounds a month, give Plastic Mancunian the freedom he craves and the life he deserves. He needs YOU.'

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I imagine the letters are fun - but it would be fab if a puppy really could give us his thoughts.

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC,

I wouldn't be surprised if there were people looking for me with a gun - maybe my mad hair?

I wonder how many people really do sponsor each child/animal. If it were me I would want proof that I wasn't being two-timed.

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

You think £400 is too much? I based the figure on a website I found where you could pay £55 for a meerkat. Since I can write for myself I considered £400 to be reasonable.

Maybe 40p would have been more realistic.

:0)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

(Don't blame you :0) )

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

Good idea! I need to target bankers as well, those who think £400 is small change.

Maybe if I posted a picture of an ape as well it might appeal to their love of animals...

What do you mean "I thought you had ..."?

;-)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

Just received 2 letters with 2 photos today:

"Dear drb,
Hello, it's me Petra. Well you probably guess my exciting news... I have officially graduated as a qualified Seeing Eye Dog!

I'm now 2 years and 5 months old, and you've been wih me every step of the way. So I want to say a big Thank You for sponsoring me through this long and rewarding journey.

I'm now training with my new handler mum, which went well.

(descibing her new home ... and what they did)

My new handler mum says she has been delighted by the freedom and greater sense of independence since getting me. Yay! She also says she likes my chekky nature too. I really like my new mum and home. Everyone is really fun. I'm sure we'll have a long and happy life together and I am so proud to be finally called and official Seeing Eye Dog.

Thank you again so much for sponsoring me to become a fully qualified Seeing Eye Dog. You've helpd give such a valuable gift to a very grateful woman.

I will say goodbye for now and I won't forget how much you have helped us!

Big cuddles and licks,
Petra paw print."

Mr PM, sponsor/adopt a guide dog in your country please.

My hubby sponsors 2 kids (1 from asia and 1 africa) for years now and it is a rewarding feeling to do our little bit to help them and see how they have grown.

drb said...

OH Mr PM,
You'll be very naive to think that you are not 2 ir even multi-timed. Does it really matter? The bottom line is you give a dollar a day (which you won't miss anyway) to someone in need and you get a report on how they are going. Your adopted or sponsored child or animal is just the face of the charity.

I know at least 5 other people who sponsor an animal or a child.

Don't be such a skeptic.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I know I'm a sceptic (I can't help it) and perhaps you are right in that this is probably the genuine article.

I am quite a charitable person but I like to choose my charities and be sure that they are worthy. I'm not saying that adopting/sponsoring a child or animal isn't worthy; I just haven't really looked into it without my sceptical head on (to be honest the concept of a dog typing a letter amused me - it still does).

Fear not, drb - I shall look into it. I may be sceptical but I have an open mind.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Pandora Behr said...

I'd adopt you PM - well, maybe I'd make sure you got the odd pint now and then. Like you, I'm a bit sceptical about all of this. I've seen friends sponsor children only to have them cut off completely at 18 and be devestated. Hard to know what is happening with all this charity stuff (says she who sponsors eye surgeons to fix peoples up) Interesting post.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

That's good enough for me. Forget the £400 - the odd pint will do find. Should our paths ever cross outside the blogosphere I shall hold you to that (even though you said "would" instead of "will").

:0)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

Hi again MrPM,
Showed my hubby the photo of my new sponsor Trainee Guide Dog Photo (Bentley, he is very very cute, reminded me of my younger bro when he was a baby) and mentioned to him the "Adopt a Plastic Mancunian" campaign.

He laughed and laughed, thought it was brillian; guide puppy only received a nod from the harsh man.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I'll bet you hate me, don't you?

;-)

Cheers

PM

Mrs PM said...

i'll adopt you but you may have to suffer depraved sexual acts - love from mrs PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi my sweet,

I thought I got those for free.

Bargain!!

:0)

Cheers

PMxx