Dogs cannot write or speak. Neither can donkeys, cats or meerkats.
Why am I stating the obvious?
There are many people in the world who love animals. I, too, am an animal lover, particularly cats and dogs.
Nevertheless, I don’t quite understand the philosophy behind the concept of animal adoption. I’m not talking about going to the Cat Protection League to give a cat a good home; or a trip to the Dog Pound to adopt a stray dog.
I’m talking about the concept of adopting a wild animal that you rarely if ever get to meet for a monthly fee.
I’m not stupid enough to consider the alternative, for example, letting a tiger rampage through you house (though I think Liquorice would give a tiger a good run for its money). I’m talking about these “packs” you can get to adopt, say, a meerkat or another animal you would never consider having as a pet.
The idea is that you pay a certain amount of money a month and you get to adopt the animal concerned. You only get to meet the little creature if you spend an absolutely whopping amount of money per month otherwise you and up with little more than a photo and your name listed somewhere.
Even funnier is the promise that your animal will write you a letter. Can you imagine a dog trying to write a letter or type something?
I smell a rat – I reckon the letter part is made up.
Some people have likened me to a wild animal (or at least a dumb one). So what do you think of a plan to “Adopt a Plastic Mancunian”?
Do you think that might catch on?
Based on what I’ve read, I reckon there might be some mileage in trying to get people to “adopt” me.
Can I try an advert for this service on you, dear reader? Will there be anybody who would fall for this?
Meet Dave! As far as Plastic Mancunians are concerned, this is a really weird specimen. He is a bit old and decrepit but his heart is in the right place and he is forever scurrying around, making strange bleating and growling sounds.
His daily routine is utterly predictable and he can actually perform tricks when requested. He loves a pint of beer and can be seen scampering between his den and the beer trough occasionally. He is also hard working and comical (well a lot of people laugh at him anyway).
His thick pelt is mainly located on his large misshapen head and in the morning you might be forgiven for mistaking him for a ball of straw. A quick dunk in water usually does the trick and he begins to actually look vaguely human.
Overall we think you may find him a pleasant little creature, predicable and grumpy, yes, but interesting enough to amuse you if you push the right buttons.
Would you like to adopt Dave the Plastic Mancunian?
For a monthly fee of £400 we will send you an adoption folder consisting of:
- A certificate
- A photograph (we will make sure we provide one that doesn’t scare your children)
- A copy of his birth certificate – with the date changed to make him seem younger.
- A weekly letter
- Your name listed on “The Plastic Mancunian” blog.
Dave is broke and would love to be released into the wild. Your monthly fee will provide:
- Food in the nicest restaurants in Manchester
- Beer (you should see his little face when we give him a pint of beer)
- Clothes (the ones he wears at the moment are fashionable – if you live in the year 1956)
Adopt now – make a Plastic Mancunian happy.
Do you think it will work?
If you are tempted, please let me know – and I promise you one thing – you don’t actually have to meet me.
That would be a little TOO much to bear.
And I promise I will write you a letter – it will appear on this blog (the fact that others may see it is irrelevant – I will address it personally to you – honestly).
How can you resist these photos?
On second thoughts - don't answer that question!!!