Sunday, 15 August 2010
When Pierce Brosnan threw in the towel, I tried to audition for the part of James Bond.
I thought that I satisfied the requirements. After all, I am English, male and, compared to Roger Moore, a mere child. Roger Moore was forty five years old when he starred in his first Bond film – at the time of Casino Royale I was forty four and thought that I would waltz into the role.
As you may have gathered, I failed spectacularly. Why?
(1) I have the physique of a stuffed pepper.
(2) James Bond is meant to be human, not a strategically shaved albino baboon.
(3) I can’t act.
(4) I am totally unfit.
(5) When I walk out of the sea, people point saying “I didn’t know whales could walk”
(6) I am blind without my glasses.
(7) I have blond hair.
The last item was the final straw. I screamed at them: “Why can’t James Bond be James Blond? I am going to start a campaign against you because I know for a fact that Ian Fleming wanted a blond guy to play the part.”
They obviously listened to me because Daniel Craig is quite clearly blond, which was a bittersweet pill to swallow. Apparently women watched that scene in Casino Royale where he walked out of the sea and, en masse, fainted in every cinema.
Why would they do that?
I can imagine that some girls may have fainted if it had been me who wobbled out of the sea, but perhaps for different reasons.
It’s too late for me because Daniel Craig has now played James Bond twice and is destined for his third film.
Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to moan about short-sighted film producers. The purpose is to celebrate James Bond by presenting four top tens for the price of one:
My Top Ten Bond Villains
(10) Le Chiffre (Casino Royale)
(9) Dr Kananga (Live and Let Die)
(8) Dr Julius No (Dr No)
(7) Hugo Drax (Moonraker)
(6) Max Zorin (A View To A Kill)
(5) Oddjob (Goldfinger)
(4) Ernst Stavro Blofeld (From Russia With Love, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Diamonds Are Forever, For Your Eyes Only)
(3) Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker)
(2) Fransisco Scaramanga (The Man With The Golden Gun)
(1) Auric Goldfinger (Goldfinger)
My Top Ten Bond Girls
(10) Natalya Simanova (Goldeneye)
(9) Tiffany Case (Diamonds Are Forever)
(8) Dr Holly Goodhead (Moonraker)
(7) Solitaire (Live and Let Die)
(6) Pussy Galore (Goldfinger)
(5) Jill Masterson (Goldfinger)
(4) Anya Amasova (The Spy Who Loved Me)
(3) Paris Carver (Tomorrow Never Dies)
(2) Jinx (Die Another Day)
(1) Honey Rider (Dr No)
My Top Ten Bond Theme Tunes
(10) Diamonds Are Forever
(9) A View To A Kill
(8) License To Kill
(7) Dr No
(6) The Man With The Golden Gun
(4) The Living Daylights
(3) On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
(2) Casino Royale
(1) Live and Let Die
My Top Ten Bond Films
(9) Casino Royale
(8) A View To A Kill
(7) Tomorrow Never Dies
(6) License To Kill
(5) The Spy Who Loved Me
(4) Dr No
(3) The Man With The Golden Gun
(2) Live And Let Die
What do you think dear reader? What is your favourite Bond film? And more importantly do you think I might have succeeded in the role of 007?
I’m off to enjoy a pint of bitter and I don't want it shaken or stirred - maybe that's where I'm going wrong.