Swip Swap

Welcome to South Manchester on a beautiful cold winter day with the sun shining and the temperatures dropping to a slightly chilly 0 degrees Celsius. 

Let’s plunge straight away into more silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could have a remote control that could pause time, what would you do with it?

It would be a little like being invisible I guess. I would use for example to gain entry into places where I would have to pay to get into. For example, I wouldn’t pay for another gig; I would just turn up at the entrance, click the remote control, and slide past the security checks and ticket verification to gain entry. The same would apply to sporting events and other similar things. 

I could do nefarious things like travel to London, gain entrance into Number 10 Downing Street and then plant a bugging device there to find out what the incompetent buffoons running the country are actually planning to do, and then release the details to the press and TV and expose them for what they are. 

Can I please have one?

2. What's the silliest thing you believed as a child that you wish were true now?

I believed that I could sing. That dream was ruined by a music teacher who was recruiting for the school choir and told me in no uncertain terms that my voice sounded like that of a cat being strangled. 

Things might have been different if my voice now were as good as I imagined it was. 

I believe it is actually far worse than when I was a kid, and my music teacher was basically being very kind in his own weird way. Whenever I start to sing in the house, the cats run away (because presumably they think there is a cat strangling burglar lurking around) and Mrs PM threatens to silence me with a frying pan before the windows crack under the strain.

3. If your life had a theme song that played every time you entered a room, what song would it be?

Since my name is Dave it would have to be this classic from Manfred Mann’s Earth Band released in 1977. The song is called “Davy’s on the Road Again”. Enjoy and imagine I’m walking into your house. I won't be singing it though.

4. If you were a vegetable, and someone accidentally ate you, what would you want them to say after the first bite?

Wow – you need to stop taking those dodgy drugs. 

I would hope to dissuade anybody from eating me as a vegetable by making them violently ill, so I would probably say “I would go straight to the toilet, if I were you, and stick your fingers down your throat.”

5. If you were a flavour of ice cream, which one would you be, and why?

Really – stop taking those dodgy drugs.

I would be the least palatable ice cream possible so that nobody would want to eat me. Brussell Sprout and Liver flavoured ice cream would do the trick.

6. What's the strangest thing you've ever googled or searched for on the internet?

I’m weird and I have a weird blog so I have searched for some strange items. The first one that springs to mind is some research when I was writing this blog post:

Fear (Part Five) – Chinese Toilets 

Warning: Before you read it, it does talk about disgusting toilets in China that I experienced on a trip there in 2010. 

When I was writing it, I thought it would help to illustrate how bad some Chinese toilets could be by adding some pictures of the abominable places. So my search was something like:

“Pictures of Chines Toilets”.

In fact, as I was looking for the above post, I realised that I have possibly just topped that with the search:

“Plastic Mancunian Chinese Toilets”

See what I mean ? I am just a weirdo.

7. If your pet could suddenly talk, what do you think it would say to you first?

Both of my cats would say:

“FEED ME NOW!”

8. If you were a character in a video game, what would be your special move?

I mainly play football games so my favourite move would allow me to dribble past all players and score a spectacular goal.

9. What's the most bizarre item you've ever bought online?

I’ve not bought anything really bizarre. I do recall buying a book for Mrs PM’s birthday called “Test Your Cat: The Cat IQ Test”. I thought it was so bizarre that I thought it would make a fun silly gift.

10. If you could replace the sound of one everyday activity with your own voice, which activity would you choose?

That sounds like another question concocted whilst high on something weird. 

I have no idea.

11. If you were a punctuation mark, which one would you be, and how would you punctuate people's sentences?

This too is another question from the addled mind of a person on something weird. 

I would be a full stop so that I could end their sentences as soon as they bored or annoyed me.

12. If you could have any celebrity be your personal assistant for a day, who would it be, and what tasks would you assign them?

It would be Morena Baccarin and it would be a day when I wasn’t working. Her only task would be to chat to me and smile. That would suffice.

13. What would be the worst "buy one, get one free" sale item ever?

I can think of a few:

A Coffin

Rhubarb

A Chinese Toilet

A Vasectomy

A Dinner Date with Donald Trump

14. If you could trade places with any fictional character from a book or movie, who would it be, and what would you do differently in their story?

It would be Harry Keogh from Brian Lumley’s Necroscope.

Harry can talk to the dead and teleport to anywhere and anywhen. Sadly in the Necroscope series he ends up fighting the scariest and most horrific vampires ever to have walked the face of the Earth. I would simply avoid the vampires like the plague and have a lot of fun doing exciting and far less dangerous things.

15. If you had to live inside a TV show for a month, which show would you pick, and why?

I would probably go for Dr Who as long as I could dictate where we travelled to in his TARDIS. He can travel to any place at any given point in time. Given Question 14, do you see a trend?