The Alternative Bucket List

I’ve often wondered why people have a Bucket List, i.e. a list of things that you must do before you “kick the bucket”.

Personally, I’ve never been interested in making such a list; all I want to do is get lots of money, travel the world, then grow old and start annoying people by ranting incessantly.

Actually, it would be nice to have a fun bucket list rather than doing the things that most people want to do.

With that in mind, here is an alternative bucket list based on a little bit of a conversation with Mr Google and elements of my own sordid imagination. Some of the items below are stolen – others are from my own weird mind.

(1)    Change your name to something utterly ridiculous like “Dirk Prawn” or “Mitt Macaroni” or (and this is bad) “Plastic Mancunian”.

(2)    Get revenge on all of those Jehovah’s Witnesses who called at your house, by dressing up as the Pope and then calling at THEIR houses and trying to convert them to Roman Catholicism. (NOTE - I have to say I actually enjoy chatting to Jehovah’s Witnesses on my doorstep, just to see how far they will go to convince me that I should convert to their cause).

(3)    Write an entire album of songs that are utter garbage and then record it using your own voice as each individual band instrument. Call the album something that is inspired by the most cringeworthy of pseudo-intellectual arty-fartiness (for example “Philiosophical Pornography”) and make each song about Simon Cowell (for example “Cowell is my Cyberman”). Finally, send the album to Simon Cowell himself in a big box weighed down with bricks and with no postage. Call yourself a strange name like “The Artist Formerly Known As Pfftt!”.

(4)    Walk into a pub and find the oldest person of the opposite sex – and then ask that person to marry you.

(5)    Write an autobiography that is full of utter lies, taking credit for most of the historical events within your lifetime. Who knows? Somebody might find it in 300 years’ time and think that some geezer called “Plastic Mancunian” was the Prince of Wales.

(6)    Act exactly like you did when you went through puberty; march into work and scream “nobody understands me” or “everybody hates me”; dress in ridiculous fashion like baggy-arsed jeans and start talking in a weird form of English while making stupid hand signals and rapping.

(7)    Go to a musical that you hate and stand up in the main song and start singing “The Ace of Spades” by Motorhead at the top of your voice.

(8)    Dress up as Darth Vader and walk around stopping random people and ask them if their name is Luke. Alternatively, dress up King Leonidas and stop random people shouting “THIS IS SPARTA!!!”.

(9)    Dress up as a vampire and go night clubbing. Ask every member of the opposite sex what blood type they are and if anyone tells you, shake your head with the words “Shame! I only drink type O”

(10) Get into a lift at the bottom of a very tall building, wait until it is full, and then press every button before running out. Run up the stairs and meet the lift on each floor, shouting “BOO!” when the doors open.

(11) Gate-crash a fashion show, and walk down the catwalk dressed in your most unfashionable clothes.

(12) Ask somebody really famous to marry you.

(13) Wait until the next general election and print thousands of flyers promoting yourself as a candidate for a ridiculous party, like the Chimpanzee Democrat Party (dressing up as a chimp for the picture of course).

(14) Sell yourself on eBay.

(15) Go to a Star Trek convention dressed as Dr Who and start complaining to anybody who will listen to you that Star Trek is mad fiction.

(16)Dress up in suit of armour and attempt to check in on a flight.

(17) Give random members of the opposite sex your phone number and say “Call me” while looking seductive.

(18) Dress up as Batman or Spiderman and fly to another country.

(19) Buy a parrot and teach it to say “Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot!”

(20) Run into the middle of a crowd, wearing totally dishevelled clothing, and ask what year it is. When somebody answers, scream “IT WORKED!!!” and run away.

Actually, in the course of my research for this post, I came across quite a few real bucket lists. So over the next week or so – until my holiday to Spain – I will run through one such list and let you know what I think.

Bet you can’t wait.

In the meantime, it’s probably wise not to try any of the above items – unless you are a little weird. But if you do, let me know and I will watch from afar, armed with a camera and a video camera.