Silly Campaigns (Part One) - Picking on Pluto

I want to bring a crime to your attention, dear reader. This is not a small crime; this is a crime of planetary proportions – a crime against an entire planet.

This is a crime where the rules have been changed to hide the crime from the rest of us.

You will be shocked, dear reader.

I can barely bring myself to type this…

Pluto is no longer a planet.

There I’ve said it. I hope you are as disgusted as I am.

This crime occurred a couple of years ago and the perpetrators think they have got away with it.

They have NOT and I am here to start a campaign against them and fight for Pluto's rights.

When I was growing up and learning about the solar system, I was taught the names of the planets. Way out there at the very edge of the solar system was Pluto, happy in the knowledge that we on Earth were aware of its existence and had named a dog after it.

And now, a bunch of scientists and astronomers have changed the rules and reclassified poor Pluto as a dwarf planet.

How dare they? What has Pluto ever done to them. Is it so far away that it has been forgotten about? I can imagine the conversations:

Evil Criminal 1: Yeah – Neptune is pretty big but what about Pluto? We may as well forget about it.


Evil Criminal 2: Ha ha – yes! I’ve hated it for years. Let’s just get rid of it.


Evil Criminal 1: Yeah – and we can kick it while its down – let’s call it a dwarf!


Evil Criminal 2: MU HU HU HU HA HA HA HA HA!

Here are the rules they dreamt up to define a planet:

A planet must orbit the sun.

Pluto orbits the sun and takes a bloody long time to do so. It’s stuck out there guarding the frontier and our solar system against evil aliens who might invade.

A planet must have sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium shape – i.e it must be a sphere

Well of course it’s a sphere.When it was first discovered in 1930 by Clyde W. Tombaugh he said “There’s another big sphere out there – it is a planet”.

A planet needs to have “cleared the neighbourhood” of its orbit

This is the invented rule that these so-called “astronomers” have used to reclassify the mighty Pluto. Apparently it crosses Neptune’s orbit.

So what?

I know the reason – it’s because Pluto is small. Pluto is no longer welcome in the exclusive club of planets because it is a tiny planet when compared with, say, Jupiter – or even Earth for that matter.

But I don’t care – I welcome Pluto into the planetary club. I say – ignore these petty jobsworths who have nothing better to do than postulate wacky theories and invent rules that mean nothing.

It could be more sinister than that, dear reader, because there are actually two more bodies further out than Pluto – Eris and Ceres (not exactly awe-inspiring names are they?).

Eris is a little bigger than Pluto. I simply do not understand why we can’t announce that we have eleven planets in our solar system instead of nine. Imagine if we met an alien from another solar system; we could ask:

“How many planets have you got? We have ELEVEN.” 

Now because of those scientists we have to say:

“We only have eight planets; but we do have three dwarf planets.” 

Nowhere near as impressive in my opinion. I would imagine that the alien would snigger as the phrase “dwarf planet” was mentioned.

Allow me to make a stand here.

It seems to me that these scientists are picking on Pluto because it is the tiniest planet in the solar system; the runt of the litter if you will.

What I am seeing is nothing short of bullying and picking on the small guy.

I vote that Pluto be re-instated as a planet effective immediately and, as a punishment for climbing onto a pedestal and announcing dictatorial rules to fit their oppressive natures, the scientists who dreamed up this nonsense should be made to record a message apologising to Pluto and personally pay for a spaceship to fly to Pluto, broadcasting their apology to any life forms who may inhabit that cold little planet as well as any aliens within earshot.

Dwarf planet indeed; fight oppression everywhere including planet oppression.

Who’s with me?