Living With Captain Paranoia

Captain Paranoia really annoys me. He has been my nemesis ever since I can remember. I try not to listen to him but sometimes he catches me off guard and cackles, like the nasty little imp he is, when I fall for his lies

Over the years, he has lied to me, put me down and verbally abused me in order to shatter my already fragile self-esteem.

Here are some of the things he has told me over the years.

There is a hidden camera behind every mirror. Whenever you pull funny faces or admire yourself, the horrific images are transferred to YouTube and laughed at by billions of people worldwide.

You’re going through the green channel are you? The customs men there are putting on rubber gloves – just for you.

Women are scared of you  - they think you look like a crazed monkey

Your cats hate you.

Don’t go abroad – you will catch a horrible disease.

Redundancy at work? You remember that manager you swore at? He is the one deciding who gets the sack.

Can you hear those weird noises your car is making? I think that’s the brakes failing.

Yes – those people ARE talking about you.

Nobody really likes you. Your so-called “friends” just feel sorry for you.

Do you know how many women you groped at the party last night? That woman you fancy knows and now she hates you even more. Besides, she hates people who get drunk.

This rollercoaster will fall apart just as you are at the highest point.

They’re not laughing with you; they are laughing AT you.

It doesn’t matter how much deodorant you put on, you will still stink.

Did you lock the door this morning?

Women think you look like a mad scientist.

You know that bird flu they were talking about on the news? You’ve got it.

The person who used the loo before you has a nasty little disease – and you will catch it.

Your trousers have split.

This plane will crash.

If you ask that question they will think you are stupid.

They can see you on the toilet.

Have you locked the car?

That noise downstairs is a psychopathic alien axe murderer – and it’s coming upstairs.

Women think you look like a pencil troll.

It doesn’t matter that you were invited. They only did it out of pity.

They have installed CCTV at work and all of your rants are beamed live to the Managing Director.

People who wear glasses never get girlfriends.

This blog post will offend everybody who reads it.

Most of the time I ignore the little bugger; this is particularly true in recent years. I have to otherwise I would sit there in front of the telly not doing anything, not speaking to anybody and not going anywhere.

I love life too much to allow myself to be held back by paranoid thoughts. I have to confess that it hasn’t always been that way; I have had to be very brave to overcome some of the hurdles he has tried to put in front of me. Sometimes he has been right, of course, but I regard those episodes as character building.

You can learn from your mistakes and I have made so many in my life that I deserve some kind of reward, I reckon.

Besides, my theory is that as you grow older, you care less about what people think and gain more common sense. If somebody openly laughs at me in public I ignore them – or join in. Why not?

Here’s my advice:

Talk to strangers – you may make a new friend. If they don’t like you, so what?

If your mates take the mickey, join in. They are your mates after all.

If somebody dislikes you – it’s their loss – not yours.

If you feel guilty going through customs you will almost certainly LOOK guilty too.

Take a chance; places like Thailand are wonderful despite the fact you need to have numerous jabs to go there.

And Japan? Captain Paranoia tells me that there will be another earthquake and nuclear meltdown – but I am still aiming to go there in 2013.

And yes – you almost certainly HAVE locked the house... AND the car.