Never Never

I am going to steal something again, dear reader, this time from Kath at Blurb from the Burbs. If you like a good chuckle, pop over there and read some of Kath’s entertaining posts.

Anyway, back to the item I am stealing.

The idea is a simple one; list ten things that you have never done. Kath, however, as extended this to include a further ten things that you will never do again and ten things that you want to do.

Because I have no qualms about stealing such things, here is my attempt at the challenge.

Ten Things I Have Never Done

1. I have never been skiing. I am a fairly well travelled person and have had ample opportunity to attach a couple of planks of wood to my feet and hurl myself down a snow covered mountain in freezing temperatures but I have never taken it up. A good friend of mine spent most of the 1980’s trying to persuade me to go skiing with him and his mates and I resisted, probably because I was a bit worried about the pain. I know of two people who have injured themselves on ski slopes; the first somehow broke his leg in an innocuous tumble and the other tried a ski run that was above his competence level and broke his arm quite badly. My sister loves to ski and another friend has tried recently to persuade Mrs PM and I to give it a go. Worse, my own 17 year old son is off on a school skiing trip to Austria and is there as I speak. Maybe I am just a coward.

2. I have never been to South America, Japan or New Zealand. All of these places are on my hit list, should I ever get the opportunity to do so.

3. I have never written a song. I would love to write something that other people could sing along to. It wouldn’t necessarily be a heavy metal monster; I would prefer to write a song with more mass appeal and meaningful lyrics. I love listening to songs with wonderful lyrics. I am handicapped, though, because musically I have very little talent.

4. I have never had any of my writing published. To be fair, I haven’t really written anything of any significance apart from the nonsense that you are reading now. Yes, I suppose in a sense it is published on a blog but it is not in a newspaper, magazine and it certainly isn’t a book. I would love to do that one day.

5. I have never successfully chatted up a woman. I have been chatted up a few times but all of my attempts to woo members of the opposite sex with whimsical assortments and cheesy compliments have failed spectacularly, and on occasion have turned a passive young woman into a violent harpy. Thank God I’m past all that now.

6. I have never been on or driven a motorbike. I have always considered them to be too dangerous, although they do appeal to the boy inside me at a primitive level.

7. I have never been arrested. I have been in a police car, but only because I broke down at a traffic light and the kind officer towed my car to a safe spot.

8. I have never done a parachute jump – and I never will. Putting my fear of heights aside, the prospect of leaping out of an aircraft thousands of feet up and relying on a nylon contraption to protect you from a horrible death, somehow never appealed to me.

9. I have never been to a ballet. I was tempted a few years ago, just to see what the fuss was all about but instead I went to an opera. And that was dreadful – absolutely totally and utterly dreadful. Sadly that has coloured my judgement so there is absolutely no chance of me ever attending a ballet.

10. I have never driven a sports car around a fast track like they do on Top Gear. This is something I would love to have a go at.

Ten Things I Will Never Do Again

1. I will never do anything as stupid as climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge again. Why on earth I considered the advice “leave your fear on the ground” to be sage I will never know. I now accept that I am terrified of heights and have given up trying to conquer it.

2. I will never allow myself to be persuaded to part with my hard earned cash to see a famous singer whose music I am not into. It still pains me to this day that I allowed myself to give in to my ex-wife’s demands to drive 100 miles to see Cher in Birmingham. It was utterly dreadful and it cost me an arm and a leg. The only saving grace was that she was only on stage for just over an hour. An hour too long if you want my opinion.

3. I will never eat rhubarb, prunes, apricots or any other hellish food that I don’t like ever again.

4. I will never fail to be positive. There have been times when I have succumbed to negativity but I find that if you are have a bright outlook on life then you are much happier generally.

5. I will never watch cheap talent shows like “Britain’s Got Talent” or “The X Factor” again. They are a curse and serve only to line the pockets of those who exploit the poor contestants and the audience who somehow become obsessed with these lame karaoke singers.

6. I will never stand with opposing fans at a football match involving Walsall again. When I first moved to Manchester, I used to travel to local towns to see my beloved team play and, more often than not, I would pretend to be a home fan so that I could make a quick getaway. There is nothing more painful than seeing your team being ripped apart while surrounded by adoring fans who are screaming for more blood. “We want six” is not a nice thing to hear when your team is 5-0 down.

7. I will never get divorced again. The whole episode was a real low point that was full of acrimony and pain. I was naïve and stupid and I will never allow myself to be that naïve or stupid again.

8. I will never grow my hair long again. I used to have long bushy hair in the seventies and in the eighties I styled it into a magnificent mullet which was erroneously sliced off by a stupid hairdresser. I would love long hair again but Mrs PM has told me in no uncertain terms that she would drug me and shave it all off should I ever try again.

9. I will never tell a woman that giving birth is as bad for men as it is for women. In fact, I said this to a roomful of pregnant women and my point was that it is mentally traumatic for guys who worry about the birth and their beloved lady’s wellbeing. Sadly, my little speech was not understood and one particular woman told me that I should try crapping a bowling ball – that way the experience might give me a small inkling of the pain involved.

10. I will never again remark on a woman’s appearance to Mrs PM. Quite a few years ago, we went to a pub that was loud and noisy and played music that I hated. “SHALL WE LEAVE?” I bellowed. “NO – IT’S GREAT HERE,” she replied. I looked around and said “WELL THERE IS ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS PLACE”. She looked at me surprised and said, “WHAT?” “THE TALENT!” I said. We were out of there before I could say “But I haven’t finished my beer yet” and I think to this day that Mrs PM hasn’t forgiven me.

Ten Things I Want

1. I want to win the lottery to allow myself to live my dream with no fear of the consequences.

2. I want to see as much of the world as possible. Earth is a huge, diverse and interesting place and I have only seen a fraction of it.

3. I want to escape the rat race as quickly as possible. It’s a dream but you can’t stop dreaming, can you?

4. I want to improve my fitness and at the same time lose those extra stubborn few pounds that are refusing to budge. I might have to resort to desperate tactics – give up beer and cheese for a while.

5. I want to improve my photography skills. I have taken a load of photos and most of them are okay – I just want to take them to the next level

6. Speaking of next levels, I want to improve “The Plastic Mancunian”. I am reasonably happy with the blog but being a perfectionist, I feel that I need to inject a little something to make it a little better. I will endeavour to do so over the coming months.

7. I want to be able to speak another language. At the moment, I am targeting French, but Spanish and German would be good too.

8. I want to write a book. Yes – I know – I should already have done so but I am at war with myself – and it’s a continuous and arduous battle. And my current workload doesn’t help matters at all.

9. I want nothing but the best for my two sons. My eldest lad is currently looking at universities and has just passed his driving test. My youngest lad is currently trying to work out what to do with his life. I will do anything I can to help them achieve their dreams.

10. I want to make Mrs PM happy. If she’s happy then so am I and I want to be happy – it’s nice.

Please feel free to have a go at this yourself – and let me know how you get along.