Blog Survey

Today, I was going to steal another meme from Sunday Stealing but it was the third part of a massive 100 question effort. Laziness prevailed and I decided against it.

Instead, I found a blog survey, courtesy of Comedy Plus and decided to steal that instead.

Here we go:

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

We have two black cats, a male called Jasper and a female called Poppy. They are brother and sister and are almost nine years old. Jasper is an enormous greedy monster who can barely crowbar himself through the cat flap; Poppy lives in a constant state of terror and is frightened of everything – including herself.

Mrs PM thinks of them as “her babies” so I guess that makes them part of the family. I know for a fact that I am the fourth most important creature in our house, behind Mrs PM and the cats. In fact, the cats rule, jointly and we are merely slaves, pampering them, feeding them and serving their every desire.

Who said that the world is dominated by mankind? If our house is anything to go by we live in a feline dominated world, with humans being merely subservient serfs.

I know my place.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

My dream is to escape the rat race and become a totally free agent. I hate being tied to “the man” and forced to answer his every whim simply to survive. There is nothing better than leaving work on a Friday knowing that I have two days free of this dreadful form of modern servitude. Of course, if you read my answer to question one, you will realise that the cats are my real masters; but I can cope with that. After all, I am bigger than they are and there are only two of them (unless you count Jasper as three cats – which you could quite easily do if you were very short sighted and saw him from a distance).

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Liars and selfish deceivers who twist the facts for their own gain. You see it every day when a politician blatantly tells lies on the TV in front of millions of people. And it’s not just politicians. You see it in the world of business, celebrity and other walks of life.

Crikey, I sound bitter, don’t I? I’m not really – I just like everything to be honest. And the world is not an honest place – and that bugs me.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

I would go to America because you can’t spend dollars in England.

Actually, I would take a year out and travel first class to as many weird and wonderful countries as I could and I would write about my experiences. I would, of course, make sure that loved ones were looked after and I would probably become some kind of weird philanthropist simply because a billion dollars is much more than I could ever conceivably spend.

I would also build a monstrous castle by the sea, somewhere near to Manchester, and live there in luxury.

I might also buy a few properties abroad.

Stupidly (and hypocritically) I would also buy Walsall Football Club and make sure that they won the Premiership.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

That depends. Most of the time, it is the mere sight and sound of my beloved Mrs PM. However, if Mrs PM is the source of my bad mood, then I find beer and loud rock music blast away the negativity. Or something that makes me laugh, like a good bit of comedy.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

That’s a difficult one. There is no better feeling than loving someone but you need to be loved to fully appreciate the experience. I would therefore say both.

7. What is your bedtime routine?

Turn off the TV. Make sure that the front and back doors are both locked. Tell Jasper to look after the house while I am asleep (difficult because he is asleep too – usually on the bed). Turn on the burglar alarm by stroking it fondly. Go to the toilet. Clean my teeth. Get undressed. Get into bed. Get out of bed and go back into the bathroom because I forgot to flush the toilet. Go back into the bedroom. Take off my glasses. Set the alarm. Wind up Mrs PM using a variety of irritating techniques. Get into bed. Read my book. Switch off the light. Go to sleep. Have weird dreams.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I met Mrs PM at work and we worked together for a few months before we went to Hong Kong on a business trip together. That was around twelve years ago. We don’t work together any more.

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be? 

I would watch Geddy Lee, Neil Peart and Alex Lifeson at work composing the next Rush song.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

I love a good novel, particularly a decent horror story, a magnificent space opera, a good comedy, a Robert Ludlum-style thriller or anything that is weird.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

I would love to have finished work and be enjoying the freedom I crave. In reality, I will be older and fatter and those grey flecks will have invaded more of my hair.

And I will probably still be working.

12. What’s your fear?

I am scared of heights and spiders. I am also terrified of Chinese toilets and public speaking – particularly when the two are combined.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

I would love to see Earth from space but the prerequisites for space travel scare me to death. So, no – I would not give up junk food for a trip to space.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Ideally, I would like to be married and rich – but failing that, married and poor.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Open my eyes. Look at the alarm clock. Howl in anguish. Get up and head for the bathroom. Weigh myself. Howl in anguish. Get undressed. Go to the toilet. Weigh myself again in the hope that a full bladder and my T-shirt account for the extra pounds. Howl in anguish. Have a shower. Weigh myself for a third time to see if any dirt that might have accumulated and has now been washed off by the shower might account for the extra pounds. Howl in anguish. Leave the bathroom depressed and head back to the bedroom totally possessed by the grumpy monster within.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

I’ve said this before and I shall say it again. I would annihilate her musical taste and replace it with my own. I love music but the stuff she listens to (and forces me to listen to) is utterly dreadful.

Apart from that, she’s perfect.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Clint Ironheart.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

It depends what the person did. However, I doubt they would be special any more.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Cheese on toast.