48 Not Out

Friday 8th October is my birthday – I am 48 years old.

What an old git I am!

I have been wondering what to post about this particular birthday.

I could complain about how bits are drooping, how my dreadful hair is cranking up a gear to annoy me further by turning grey etc. but instead I have decided to have a bit of fun.

I dumped my date of birth into a couple of horoscope web sites to find out what makes me tick. Here are some of the results with my comments.

Your date of conception was on or about 15 January 1962 which was a Monday.

That’s a little too much information, thanks. An image has formed in my mind now that will probably haunt me for a few years.

You were born on a Monday under the astrological sign Libra.

I know that I am a Libran – a typical one according to Mrs PM (who says that I am the most indecisive person she knows). Whatever the negative aspects of my star sign are, I am happy that Librans are considered to be almost perfect. Librans are wonderful, friendly and intelligent people and loved by every other jealous star sign. We are also arrogant, conceited gits.

Or are we?

Talking of horoscopes, I also stumbled across this “dark horoscope” which basically tells me what is wrong with me as a Libran. Sadly, it confirms my worst fears – I am an indecisive old grump

Your inability to reach a decision in matters of personal action is legendary. You like to weigh all the alternatives and hear every side of an argument - but this may take time and opportunities may pass you by because of it. You also like to expand energy on people who may not deserve it. You want to help the underdog. You are also sensitive to criticism and may take mild statements of fact very personally.

Advice: Follow your instincts and act on them - stop sitting on fences. Don't blindly trust people; learn to be a little more discriminating in your offers of help. Learn to think for yourself and don't be swayed by persuasive tongues.

Crikey – should I follow that advice? I might if I believed the crap above it. I am indecisive, I have no doubt about that, but I think that is a good thing. Agonising over which gadget to buy, for example, usually bears fruit. And I think my choices have usually been great in other fields – so drop THAT in your toilet and flush it.

Your Life path number is 9.

I have absolutely no idea what this means. Maybe I have the mind of a 9 year old child?

Your fortune cookie reads: Your skill will accomplish what the force of many cannot.

Well that’s a load of old cobblers. I’m not James Bond or Rambo.

Your Life Path Compatibility:

You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 3, 6 & 9.

You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 1 & 5.

You may or may not get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 7 & 11.

You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 4, 8 & 22.

I checked Mrs PM’s life path number and hers is 7. What does that mean – you may or may not get on well with the Life Path numbers 2,7 &11? It’s like saying “You may or may not be a woman”. Utter balderdash.

Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/5/1962 and ending 1/24/1963. You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.

Many women have said to me “Hello, Tiger.”

Anyway, enough of that bollocks. Here are some more interesting facts about my birthday.

I share the same birthday as Matt Damon. People often mix the two of us up, and it’s rather annoying having to sign yet another “Jason Bourne” autograph.

I also share my birthday with Sigourney Weaver, alien fighter extraordinaire, and Paul Hogan, aka Crocodile Dundee himself.

I am also thankful that in dog years I am still under 7, which means that should I desire, I still have the energy to run around chasing cats and my tail (the latter of which I frequently do at work).

My lucky day is Friday – which is also the day of my 48th birthday – therefore I should have a lucky day (in theory). Lottery win this weekend?

My lucky number is 6, which some would say is also my mental age.

In terms of planets, I am ruled by Venus – which means I’m HOT, baby!!

I’m sorry about that last bit – I came over all Austin Powers for a second.

So who else is 48? I’ve had a poke around and discovered that the following celebrities are the same age as me:

Axl Rose, Amanda Donahoe, Cal Smillie, Carol Vorderman, Eddie Izzard, Emilio Estevez, Izzy Stradlin, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jon Bon Jovi, k.d. Lang, Martin Clunes, Meg Ryan, Paula Abdul, Steve Carell and Tom Cruise.

So I’m not doing bad, am I?

I’ll finish off with three facts that nobody knows about me. Here they are (and don’t laugh):

FACT ONE: I WAS BRAD PITT’S STUNTMAN

You can surely see the resemblance between Brad and myself:


I was only the stunt double in one film and sadly it wasn’t Mr and Mrs Smith (as if he needed any help with Angelina Jolie).

No – I am afraid it was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and here I am:


FACT TWO: I WAS THE THIRD PROCLAIMER


My wonderful singing voice was appreciated by the Scottish duo but unfortunately I couldn’t quite pull off the Scottish accent. They were cruel and they sacked me, even though I wrote thirty songs for them.

Follow the links and look at these songs:

Letter From America

500 Miles

I'm On My Way

I didn’t write any of those.

Still, you can't help but like The Proclaimers - and I'm not saying that because I look like them.

I love the mantra "I'm on my way from misery to happiness today" - that's something I wish I really had written. I love the sentiment of that song.

FACT THREE: I AM THE STIG


Ignore Ben Collins; his claim to be Top Gear’s The Stig is utter bunkum.

I can reveal that I, the Plastic Mancunian, am the man behind the helmet. Here I am in action:



I don’t like scouts:



I have never crashed a car:



FACT FOUR: I AM A LIAR

Yes – the above three facts are utter bollocks.

The only truth is that I am 48 years old.

But you knew that anyway.