The Mutants Are Coming

I accidentally caught an episode of “The Jerry Springer Show” the other day and it scared me half to death.

I saw three humanoids, two male and one female (although to be honest it was difficult to work out their sex AND their species) being baited by a crowd of crazy Americans to the chant:

“Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”

The two men were pissed off with each other. One said something like:


Mutant One: Ah protected you ‘cos you dun slept with other guys’ women!

Mutant Two: Yeah ah know! And ah thenk ya forrit!

Mutant One: BUT NAH YA SLEPT WIT MAH WOMAN! AH'M GONNA KICK YEURR BUTT!


The crowd chanted:


“JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!”


And a bell clanged and the two mutants hurled themselves at each other. I almost hurled myself.

I thought they were speaking English but then they uttered a kind of weird beeping sound, peppered with the odd English sounding word.

Mutant One screamed:

AH’M GONNA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP YOUR BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP HEAD IN, YOU BLEEP BLEEP

Obviously he reverted back to his primitive language when he became agitated. What amazed me though, was the fact that these two humanoid freaks were fighting over a woman who was possibly the ugliest thing on the entire planet. Were they blind? Were they MAD??

And then the ugly mutant woman turned to audience and said to the first mutant:

He wanted a piece of me! He wanted a piece of BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP


before taking off what little clothing was covering her fat arse. The crowd loved it and whooped in delight as she paraded around the stage, showing her naughty bits.

Thankfully the TV producers, valuing the sanity of their TV audience, pixelated the exposed flesh, sparing me a trip to the toilet.

Did you know that some people think I am related to Jerry Springer?

Judge for yourself:


If it is true, what is a relative of mine doing presenting mutant after mutant on American TV to a baying crowd of weirdos?

It’s beyond belief.

It really is like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Sadly, the mutants aren’t just from America.

My home, the country of my birth, my small beautiful island, is also a breeding ground for invading mutants who want to wash their dirty laundry in public.

And Britain has its very own Jerry Springer – a hostile, arrogant ringmaster called Jeremy Kyle. Are all of these champions against the mutant race called Jerry or Jeremy?

Our own Jeremy Kyle fights injustice and weirdness like a man possessed.

But he doesn’t rely on the crowd to provoke them – he is quite happy to do that himself.

Jeremy Kyle (aka Mr Angry) spends most of his show bellowing at these British mutants, screaming:

“GET OFF MY STAGE!”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU IDIOT?”

“THIS IS MY SHOW!!!”

We have a name for British mutants. We call them chavs.

Unlike my American uncle Jerry, Mr Angry doesn’t take any shit whatsoever from chavs.

Here is an example:



Can YOU tell what the chav is saying? I’m struggling and I’m British.

Here’s another clip. I can understand this guy but I’m sure you will agree that he is not of this Earth. And he has the audacity to challenge Mr Angry.

How dare he!!!



I am not a fan of Jeremy Kyle at all and the fact that he bellows at the mutants and chavs doesn’t help matters. To be perfectly honest I don’t want to see them on my tellybox any more.

So thank you, uncle Jerry and Mr Angry Kyle – but no thanks. Please get off the air and take all of these mutants with you.

One final note I have to add. I prefer the X-Men mutants myself (yes I know I am a hypocrite). Take a look at this:






I’m sure you agree – and I can safely say that blue IS my favorite colour.