Painful Music

Regular readers will know that I am very opinionated when it comes to music. I know what I like and I immerse myself in that music blotting out everything else as I embark upon a voyage to harmonious heaven.

Sceptics will say:

“Harmonious heaven? Absolute bollocks! You like heavy metal!! Don’t you mean Hell???”

I don’t want to sing the praises of rock again but I absolutely love classic rock, progressive rock and heavy metal.

However, my taste is quite varied in reality; I like classical music, I like old school dance music, 80’s style electronic pop music, some rock and roll, blues, a touch of Neil Diamond and even old stuff performed by the likes of Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Junior. I love the Rolling Stones, the Beach Boys, the Beatles and early Elvis Presley. I love a lot of stuff by Simon and Garfunkel and I think bands like ELO and Supertramp are fantastic.

Basically, if I like it, I will buy it, enjoy it and allow it to possess me, no matter what the style.

However, since I met Mrs PM, my patience and my willingness to embrace other modern genres has almost been annihilated.

You see, Mrs PM and I are seven years apart in terms of age but light years apart in musical taste. She hates my music and I hate most of hers.

Since we got together over ten years ago, our only major disagreement is what gets played in the car when we are driving somewhere – or watching music channels – or listening to the radio – or deciding what music to play when we have friends around – or deciding which musically themed bars to go to.

It is a major source of frustration to me that her taste and mine is so different.

It is a major source of frustration to Mrs PM that my taste and hers is so different.

I say: “I wish you liked just one of my favourite bands”

She says: “I wish you would see sense and stop listening to that shit music.”

Whenever she introduces me to a new friend of hers, her third sentence is “Dave likes heavy metal. His taste is really abysmal.”

One of the problems I have with Mrs PM’s choice in music is that her taste is so transient. She will buy a CD and become captivated by it for approximately six months. And then she will discard it and say: “It’s over! I’m sick of it!”

She commits what I regard as a heinous crime: she sells her CD’s when they are “over” for her

I know; it’s shocking isn’t it?

I have never, ever, ever, ever sold any music that I have bought – even if I only like one song on the album.

Music is for keeps – not just for Christmas.

If you sell a CD what happens if you are suddenly possessed by nostalgia and need to listen to something from the 70’s?

Mrs PM disagrees; she accuses me of hoarding music and when she decides to have a clearout she asks me a question that shocks me to the very marrow of my bones:

“Shall I put some of your old CD’s on EBAY?”

That is a crime in my view.

“NO! NO! NO! NO! NEVER EVER EVER SELL MY CD’S!” I scream in incredulous shock.

She merely shrugs her shoulders and says: “I only asked.”

I ONLY ASKED? I ONLY ASKED?????

It's like asking me to sever my own finger.

She thinks I never listen to old music, forgetting that I have a 40 Gigabyte mp3 jukebox with 5482 songs on it ranging from Beethoven to Black Sabbath, Abba to AC/DC and Kate Bush to Metallica.

And it is only 75% full.

I listen to it on “shuffle” so I constantly get a massive variety of music from the very first album I bought to the very last one. Admittedly, the bulk of music (probably about 70%) is rock but the rest is a smorgasbord of fabulous tunes from other genres.

So why are our tastes so different and how do we cope?

From the earliest days of our relationship I was gently promoted my favourite bands. In the honeymoon period, she listened to it with a sweet smile. I knew the honeymoon period was over when she suddenly said:

“ENOUGH!! I AM SICK OF YOUR MUSIC! IT IS SHIT!!”

And then the onslaught began. Mrs PM, my sweet, kind lady went on the attack, subjecting me to her dreadful music in all of its diabolical glory.

Over the years I have had to put up with that dreadful dance music that just goes something like this:

BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!
BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!
BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!
BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!
BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!
BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!
BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! DOOF! BOOF! BOOF! BOOF!

I have to endure wailing women and bleating men; Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Lady Ga Ga, Black Eyed Peas, Justin Timberlake, The Sugarbabes, LL Cool J, Destiny’s Child, Beyoncé, Jay Z, Girls Aloud, Jennifer Lopez, Basshunter, Rihanna, The Pussycat Dolls, Mariah Carey and all sorts of artists that feel the need to inject rap into the middle of a song. I have to endure hip hop, garage and all that bollocks they play on Galaxy Radio. She plays triple CD’s from the “Ministry of Sound”, which incidentally I would like to brand “Ministry of Shit”. I have to suffer R’n’B which is so BORING and one dimensional it puts me into a coma just contemplating it.

Thank heavens she doesn’t like boy bands like Take That and Westlife – I think if she did I would possibly go insane.

There’s lots of other stuff she likes that I simply cannot categorise apart from in the bucket labelled “CRAP!”

Mrs PM will never go into a bar that plays rock music but she drags me into bars and pubs that play new bilge at an ear-splitting volume, and while I am screaming to make myself heard, she will nod her head in time to the music and mouth “I LUURRVVEE THIS SONG!”

And I put up with it!!

Anyway, I am pleased to say that there is a slight overlap. Here’s a graphical representation of how our tastes compare:

Mind you, I have actually tried to listen to her music and incredibly some of it has broken through the barrier. Here are one or two that Mrs PM has introduced to me over the years and that I actually like (quite a lot in fact - but don't tell Mrs PM):

Fatboy Slim – Weapon of Choice
Gwen Stefani – What You Waiting For?
Robyn – With Every Heartbeat
Morcheeba – The Sea
Moby – Porcelain
Rogue Traders – Voodoo Child
Dido – Here With Me
Outkast – Hey Ya!
The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name
Madonna – Ray Of Light
Massive Attack - Teardrop
Goldfrapp – Strict Machine
Bodyrockers – I Like the Way You Move

There are a few others, but I guess you get the drift. Sadly, with Mrs PM’s transient nature, most of them are now out of favour anyway.

Amazingly however, Mrs PM actually vaguely likes one of my favourite bands – Nine Inch Nails – just the odd song but it’s a start.

And finally, my dear, if you are reading this, here’s a fabulous song that I think you might like:

Follow this link

Strangely I think of Simon Cowell and his minions when I hear it.

Enjoy.