Never Trust ...

Never trust people who have a single eyebrow

Never trust people whose eyebrows are a different colour from their hair

Never trust politicians (particularly when speaking)

Never trust anybody who gives you a “vote of confidence”

Never trust anybody who doesn’t like garlic – they may be a vampire

Never trust a skinny chef

Never trust a man who says your wife is beautiful to everybody but you

Never trust a cat with a wagging tail

Never trust anybody who wants to climb the corporate ladder in record time

Never trust those who blame everything on global warming

Never trust Alsatian dogs

Never trust a banker

Never trust an art critic

Never trust Simon Cowell

Never trust anybody who has anything to do with the legal profession

Never trust anybody who tries to give you something for nothing

Never trust a spider, particularly if it is in your bedroom as you are about to sleep

Never trust a car salesman

Never trust a hairdresser with mad hair

Never trust Captain Kirk when he suggests visiting a new planet, particularly if you are wearing a red top (unless your name is Montgomery Scott)

Never trust a your boss when he says “can I have a quick word?” at 4pm on a Friday afternoon

Never trust a celebrity who has to go on a reality TV show

Never trust a fat dietician

Never trust a man who wants to buy you a beer on your stag party

Never trust a smiling traffic warden

Never trust anybody who says “trust me – I know what I’m doing”

Never trust an offer that is too good to be true

Never trust a vegetarian who chastises you for being a carnivore

Never trust weathermen

Never trust anybody who insists on giving themselves a pretentious job title (e.g. a painter who calls himself a “Colour Distribution Technician”)

Never trust a wasp – it WILL sting you. Kill it!

Never trust an email that offers anything free

Never trust a fart

Never trust a snake

Never trust a gambler

Never trust the Joker

Never trust a TV chef

Never trust anybody who has a double-barrelled surname like “St John-Smythe”

Never trust a man whose name is pronounced differently from the spelling (for example Menzies Campbell insists his name is “Ming” - and never trust Ming the Merciless either)

Never trust a person whose TV is bigger than their lounge

Never trust anybody who is over ten years older than you

Never trust those who moan all the time

Never trust someone who smiles when giving you bad news

Never trust an estate agent

Never trust Wile E Coyote

Never trust a smiling viper

Never trust a person who uses phrases like “step up to the plate”

Never trust a dentist with bad teeth

Never trust a man who wears pink to “stay in touch with his feminine side”

Never trust a person who refuses to look you in the eye

Never trust anything you read in a tabloid newspaper

Never trust a woman who begins a sentence with “I’m not being funny but …”

Never trust a person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every couple of months

Never trust your eyes when it is dark

Never trust a Klingon, unless he is called Worf

Never trust a lion

Never trust anybody who doesn’t like a good curry

Never trust Darth Vader

Never trust a tall man with a squeaky voice

Never trust a bear

Never trust a person who takes life too seriously

Never trust a Plastic Mancunian

Always trust yourself