Chat Me Up

If you are a female reader, please let me know what you think of the following chat up line. If you are a male reader you will almost certainly require your vomit bucket.

Hi beautiful. Do you have a license for those eyes?

When I was a young man (I’m talking eighteen to twenty two), I was on the prowl for a girlfriend. With my hormones rampaging through my body I was desperate, absolutely desperate, to succeed with a woman – any woman at almost any cost. And I would go to extraordinary lengths to get a date or a snog (even a peck on the cheek would have done). I used to look at myself in the mirror and see a shining Adonis staring back at me. I mean, what was there not to like? I was relatively tall; I was normal; I had blond hair (styled for once); I was intelligent; I was funny; I was handsome.

Sadly, my hormones lied to me. In reality I was a gawky, spotty, bespectacled arse with bad hair and the dress sense of a blind gorilla. Most girls would (and did) run away.

As I marched through the pubs and clubs of Liverpool I looked at every woman who dared to look back at me and smiled my greatest smile. My eyes told these ladies “Hey Baby! Today is your lucky day. Not only am I THE most attractive man in this dump, I’m also AVAILABLE!”

It didn’t work. It never worked. I didn’t understand why. I wanted the most attractive women in Liverpool. No – that’s incorrect. I wanted the most attractive women in the world.

But I was useless.

In the end, I sought advice from a friend who seemed have hypnotic control over women. He could walk into a club and chat to a woman and within about fifteen minutes they were smooching on the dance floor. How did he do it?

Well he had one advantage over me; he really was good looking. I was a spotty little pillock. His advice was:

“What you need to do is make them laugh. The best way to do this is to break the ice with a chat up line. When you’ve done that, they are like putty in your hands.”

The chat up line he mentioned above was one he used. I watched him – it worked. Another one was:

Have you got any smelling salts? You’re making me swoon.

The best one I heard him use went something like this:

Him: Hello! My name’s Judith! What’s yours?

Girl: Judith????

Girl laughs out loud. He puts on his saddest face.

Him: Please don’t laugh. My mum likes the name Judith. It’s Biblical.

Girl: I’m sorry. Is your name really Judith?

Him: Yes. Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Yes

And off he went. I tried this approach. The conversation went something like this:

PM: Hello! My name’s Judith. What’s yours?

Girl: PISS OFF!!!!!

In the end I never succeeded in chatting up a woman. Ultimately the women in my life have chased and caught me instead. I wondered why I bothered humiliating myself. So now I wonder, would a corny chat up line work?

Here are some of the best that I have stolen from the internet. Guys – get those buckets ready:

If being sexy was a crime, you’d be put away for life.

Do you have a plaster? I’ve cut my knees falling for you.

Do you have a map? I’m lost in your eyes.

I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

I think the alphabet’s in the wrong order. For a start, U and I should be together.

Excuse me, do you mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face in my dreams.

Can I borrow 10p? I want to phone up my mum and tell her I’ve just met the girl of my dreams.

Are you OK? I’m sure it hurt when you fell from heaven.

There’s something wrong with my eyes. I can’t take them off you.

What’s your star sign?

Hi. You don’t know me but I dreamt about you last night and thought it only fair to introduce myself.

Can I have my heart back please?

If you walk away now, I’ll die with a broken heart.

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?

I bet you're tired of hearing pickup lines, when words can't be compared or express the true nature of your beauty.

Believe it or not, I have actually been chatted up a couple of times. What do you mean “LIAR?” It’s true, I swear. Here are a couple of lines used on me:

I’ve been watching you. You’ve been standing there for ages and nobody’s chatted you up yet. Mind if I try?

Can I have a dance? Please don’t say no. I’d be devastated.

Please feel free to let me know your favourite chat up lines.

All this stuff is in the past for me thankfully and, to be honest, the thought of playing the field after such a long time fills me with absolute terror. I wouldn’t know where to start.

Nothing’s changed there then!!