Thunks

Welcome to day 97 of the Coronavirus lockdown. As you can see, in the UK, we are approaching the 100th day, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. 

From next Saturday, July 4th, the pubs and restaurants are reopening as well as cinemas, hairdressers and a few other things. Also, the “advice” is that we should socially distance by at least one metre, rather than the current two metres. 

The only doubt I have is that, once again, this advice is suitably vague – Boris the Clown doesn’t do precision, which is no surprise if you have ever heard the wittering fool bumble through a speech. 

Anyway, I have no intention of going to the pub yet – or staying closer than two metres from other people (not including Mrs PM of course). Nevertheless, I shall wander around next Saturday to see what is happening. My guess is that we shall see people flocking to the pub and chaos reigning. 

We shall see.

So on a rainy June day, let’s answer some very silly questions (and today they really are sillier than usual) from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could be a Muppet, which would you be?

There is no other choice. There is only one muppet out there that I want to be. In the world of Muppets he is my hero, the Muppet that inspired me – the greatest Muppet that has ever had a hand shoved up his arse.

I am talking of course about Animal.

Here he is in his full glory.

2. Why is a chicken crossing the road in the first place??

The chicken is presumably trying to avoid a fox, or a mad white haired man from Kentucky wearing a white suit who is pursuing it with a bag of spices and a deep fat fryer.

3. What's your favourite muscle?

The arse muscle because women seem to like it.

4. Cheerios or Rice Krispies?

When I was in America once, I was staying with a family, one of whom was waiting for me to say “Cheerio”, so that he could crack a joke by replying “No thanks! I prefer Rice Krispies!” 

Oh how I would have guffawed. The sad thing is that the only people who say “Cheerio!” in England are weird aristocrats who use also use words like “terribly”, “gosh”, “old chap” and “toodle-pip”. 

I say none of those words. 

Where were we? Oh yes – Cheerios or Rice Krispies. Well, I don’t usually eat cereals, if I’m honest. I’ve had both and I have to say I don’t like either. 

So my answer is “none of the above”.

5. Is summer ever going to get here?

I think it has arrived already. May was a beautiful month with almost all days being warm and sunny. June is not quite as good with a few thunderstorms and a few days of rain (like today) but it is still warm here and Wednesday and Thursday of last were gloriously hot at 30°C and 32°C respectively – just about the right temperature and the hottest it ever really gets in Manchester.

6. Have you ever had a utility turned off by mistake or some other reason besides weather or nonpayment?

Not that I can recall.

7. What was your "last day" of something?

Tuesday of last week was my last day of work – sadly until Thursday of this coming week when I return. I am supposed to be in Spain at the moment but am stuck here in Manchester instead, because my company is asking us to take our holidays during the lockdown even though we are incarcerated in our own homes. 

8. If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which one would you choose?

I think that it would have to be a science fiction show of some kind, preferably involving time travel. I will go for Dr Who.

9. Did you have any type of class trip, band trip, etc in high school? Where did you go, what did you do?

Yes, too many to remember. There were a lot of day trips to local points of interest, plus a couple of field trips to the school’s Welsh centre in Snowdonia. The latter ones involved being away for a week in this remote centre that could accommodate 24 pupils and two teachers, and usually involved studying local features for geography as well fun and games. 

10. Do your feet smell?

Neither of my feet contain nostrils. So the answer is no.

11. Do you know how to french braid?

I had to look it up. What do you think?

12. Two guys are walking down the street. One drops his hat and reaches down to pick it up, the other kicks him in the ass. Do you laugh?

Yes – of course I do. It’s probably because two guys are paying homage to old school comedians like Laurel and Hardy.

13. You wake up one morning and dogs are meowing and cats are barking - what are fish, elephants and crocodiles doing?

Well since this is a normal day and I haven’t been transported to the planet Tharg, I would imagine that the fish are swimming around looking stupid, the elephants are making an horrendous noise with their trunks and the crocodiles are floating in the water, their eyes peering just above the surface waiting for a stupid person to walk into the water to try to find out what noise they make.

The truth is though, if I saw an elephant or a crocodile when I woke up, I would probably call the police rather than being preoccupied with what they were doing.

14. You are going to your high school reunion. What award are you going to win?

I wouldn’t want to win an award but if I did it would probably the most travelled. And the coolest of course.

15. You find yourself stranded on a deserted island. Soon you find a laptop with a lifelong battery & internet connection, then you find a cave with an endless supply of food and a spring of fresh water. A cruise ship comes along to save you - do you get on it?

Yes – and I take the laptop with me.

16. How many shortcuts do you have on your desktop?

13 – that’s unlucky for some. I’ll have to add another one.

17. I offer you a pie... the most delicious pie you have ever seen. You either have to eat the entire thing in one sitting or allow me to slam it into your face, which do you choose?

I would eat it, of course. 

18. Are you a pen stealer?

I suffer from stationary kleptomania. I walk to people’s desks and walk away with heir stationary. I do not know why. At work, I have a draw full of stolen pens, which I hand out to anybody who needs them. I guess that I am sharing the fruits of my thievery – a kind of Robin Hood figure who steals from those who have too many pens and gives the proceeds to those poor unfortunate wretches who can’t find a pen in the stationary cupboard because a thief like me has stolen them all.

19. A dude from China comes up and offers you German chocolate cake, French fries and a Boston cream pie... what colour is your car?

I remember a question on a philosophy exam that said “There is a planet exactly like Earth but only contains unicorns. Discuss”. I thought that was the craziest question I had read but deep down there are pseudo-intellectuals who might try to make something of it to appear intelligent. 

I shall try to devolve into a pseudo-intellectual to try to answer this particularly stupid question with the craziest pseudo-intellectual answer I can come up with. Regular readers know that I am not keen on Pseudo-intellectuals. Take a deep breath …

Dong Zhongshu attempted to integrate the Yin Yang cosmology into a Confucian ethical framework and this selfless act of benevolent moral harmony clearly affected the “dude” from China. But I had to ask myself in all seriousness; “What is a Chinese dude”? This is a philosophical dilemma as the innate truth of being a “dude” is an American paradigm created by an English maverick whose thoughts drifted away from the European characteristic and more towards the customary new world convention. Consequently, we can understand the quandary the Chinese person had to grapple with and his temptation to completely abandon his Chinese heritage whilst still being ethical, forcing him to choose the Boston cream pie. Yet still he felt the struggle wasn’t over because he had to follow the origins of the English maverick in order to satisfy the deep-seated uncertainty of the impasse. The source had to be European but could not be English. How he resolved this proved arduous but then he recalled the odours of the Black Forest. The only option was a German chocolate cake, inherently European yet not traditionally English. But how could he combine the two frames of reference? What could be European and American yet not English? The French Fry completed the puzzle. The English refer to them as chips, a crude fat monstrosity that although it is made of the same ingredient bears no resemblance to the shape and texture favoured by Europeans and Americans. The circle was now complete, the French Fries bringing everything together whilst still acknowledging the origins of the English maverick. I looked upon the offering from the Chinese man; I recognised the gesture for what it was, the yin the yang, the ethics and the harmony. My reaction was to embrace this paradigm and build upon it to maintain the morality of his gift. I looked at the Chinese dude and went back to basics – to his origins. It was the only thing I could do. I saw his flag in my mind’s eye. I looked at him with a benevolent smile and spoke the words that lifted his heart; “My car is bright red – just like the colour of the flag of your motherland.” He wept and so did I.

I’m sorry about that but the bloody question was ridiculous. By the way, my car is silver.

20. Sometimes you just have to tap your foot to your favourite song - which tv series season finale are you watching?

Another crazy question. But the last season finale I watched was “Gangs of London”.

Questions You Never Thought You'd Ask

Welcome to day 90 of the Coronavirus lockdown. Things are slowly easing in the UK and the rate of infection is also heading down. 

Also, I have had a lockdown haircut. I was sick to death of trying to blast my sentient hair with products to keep it under control so I tried to buy some hair clippers. Eventually I managed to (I think every other male in the UK also had the same idea). 

Yesterday, Mrs PM put on her battle gear and attacked my hair with the clippers and some scissors. She did an amazing job, given that she’s never cut hair before and now I look vaguely human again.

Also, I have been growing a beard as an experiment. I gave myself six weeks to see what it would look like and I am four weeks into that period. And I have to say that it doesn’t look bad. When I was younger I couldn’t grow a beard for love nor money but now, being an old git, I seem to have found the ability to do this. 

The downside is that there is a little grey in there but what do you expect at 57 years of age?

Anyway, time to answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. If you could spend a day in someone else’s shoes who would it be and why?

I would spend a day in Boris Johnson’s shoes, hopefully taking his form so that I could right the wrongs that he has perpetrated. I would publicly admit that I am a liar and a fraud, I would sack Dominic Cummings and make another cabinet shuffle to get rid of the most odious characters. I would then call another Brexit referendum, another General Election and finally resign as Prime Minister at the end of the day.

That would teach the incompetent, lying buffoon.

2. Which celebrity gets on your nerves the most, and why?

I can’t answer that question because there are simply too many of them. I get annoyed in particular about celebrities who are “famous” for nothing, like the Kardashians or anybody has appeared on a reality TV show and become famous for just being outrageous. Of course, People like Piers Morgan and Jamie Oliver make me angry as soon as they open their mouths, mainly because they try to preach at me. 

There are just too many, dear reader. One day I will list them all, and it will read as a passenger list for the giant spaceship I intend to build when I become World President. They will all be sent to the depths of outer space to rid the planet of them all.

3. If you were going to bury a time capsule, what would you put in it?

Old photographs, a few old bits of writing that I had done, a few CDs with some of my favourite music, a couple of newspapers, my old laptop and various other bits and bobs. I haven’t really thought about it to be honest.

4. What is your saddest memory?

Death of a loved one – every one of them.

5. Would you rather be in your pyjamas or a suit all day?

I think if I were in my suit all day I would probably be going to a wedding and I do like a good wedding. I think I would say a suit – I can’t wait to get out of my pyjamas if I’m honest.

6. What’s the strangest place you’ve ever gone potty?

In the UK “gone potty” also means “gone mad” but I think this probably means “go to the toilet” so I will assume it is that.  I have been to many strange toilets as you can imagine but one of the weirdest ones was in Hong Kong. I went to a restaurant in the Peninsular Hotel, a very very posh hotel. We managed to get a reservation for an early discounted meal (it was still very expensive) and it was very nice (if not totally overpriced). The restaurant was high up in the hotel and the gents toilets were immaculate. However, as I stood there, allowing nature to take it’s course, I found myself staring out of a window at the streets of Kowloon. The view as magnificent but it was so weird.

I almost took a photograph – not of the act itself (that would be revolting) – but of the view. I decided not to because taking a photograph in a gentleman’s toilet is at best frowned upon and at worst – well I think you can imagine what I mean.

Thankfully, somebody else has already taken a photo for me.

7. How old were you went you had your first kiss?

I was seven years old. I think I have mentioned this before. 

8. Do you have any strange or unique phobias?

Not really. I have several normal phobias, heights, public speaking, spiders but nothing weird.

9. If you could bring back one toy from your childhood, what would it be?

I think it would probably be a board game or some form of building toy, like Lego or Stickle Bricks.

10. If you could be any Disney villain, which would you be?

I would be Shere Kahn from the Jungle Book, a smooth criminal voiced by George Sanders with sharp claws who was the King of that particular jungle.

11. If your life was a novel, what would the title be.

Believe it or not, I started writing down a few memories about three years ago, mainly for the benefit of future generations (and of course for a bit of fun). I pop back and scribble a few things down occasionally. I have called it “Insignificant Memoirs”.

I guess if it were like a novel, rather than just talking about old stuff, I would call it something different like

“The boy who never grew up”.

12. What do you need more of in your life?

Time – absolutely no doubt about that. I have so many things that I want to do and, being quite old, there is limited time in which to do them.

13. What are your top 3 quotes?

Top three quotes made by me or top three quotes from other people? I can’t recall every single nonsensical quote that I have ever made so I shall assume the latter. 

I don’t know to be honest – but here are a few I quite like:

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

14. What do you want people to remember about you?

I like to think that people will smile when they remember me. I love making other people laugh, mostly because of jokes at my own expense, and when I am gone I would like to think that when they recall some of the stupid things I have said and done (and there are loads of them, believe me), that I can still bring a smile to their faces.

15. What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made?

What? Is this a simple answer to a question or a bloody book? As I implied in my answer to the previous question, I have done lots of stupid things and I continue to do stupid things – like admitting doing stupid things on this blog. 

The biggest mistake? Well, given that I am deeply into the music that I love, I would say not learning to play the guitar. On my dad’s advice (poor advice – sorry dad) I took up the trombone. A bloody trombone! Can you believe it? I couldn’t – which is why I gave it up after four years. But if it had been a guitar I would definitely have carried on and I could have become something like this:

So that’s quite a big mistake!

Would You Rather?

It’s day 76 of the lockdown and I’ve been looking at the statistics regarding the virus in the UK. 

They don’t make good reading. 

As of yesterday, the United Kingdom is the second worst hit country in terms of deaths, with 40,465 people having died of COVID-19. 

In terms of total cases, we are the fifth worst hit country in the world. 

Worse, in my view, if you look at the number of deaths worldwide per million, the United Kingdom is the second worst hit country behind Belgium.

I find this really annoying because if you listen to Boris the Clown and his idiot cabinet, you hear phrases like “world beating test and trace” and other incredibly inaccurate soundbites. 

Boris the Clown said last week that he is now “taking control of the pandemic”. In that case, Boris, I would like to know who the bloody hell has been in control since March? Your brother Coco the Clown?

Anyway, to stop myself descending into a full blown rant about the incompetence of the people supposedly in control, I shall seek light relief with a few silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

Let’s dive in, shall we?

1.  Would you rather work in a group or work alone?

In my line of work I need to do both, though it has to be said I find that if I am able to work alone and uninterrupted I can achieve a lot. The lockdown has forced me and my colleagues to work from home and I am actually more productive, I think, in terms of not having people walking to my desk to ask questions or just chat. At home, I can choose to ignore them. Nevertheless, I still have to collaborate with people and I think that is important – as long as it is on my terms.

2. Would you rather be stuck on an island alone or with someone who talks incessantly?

We all need human company so I would say that I would reluctantly choose the person who talks incessantly. I just hope that the island is big enough to allow me to have some alone time and satisfy my inner introvert when the talking gets too much.

3. Would you rather be too hot or too cold?

I’m not keen on either but I think I prefer being too hot.

4. When you’re old, would you rather die before or after your spouse?

I am already quite old, thanks, but I think I would prefer to go first. If there is an afterlife though I would be worried about Mrs PM.

5. Would you rather have a cook or a maid?

A cook – definitely. I can cook but I hate it. When it is my turn to cook, I opt for the quickest and easiest thing I can find.

6. Would you rather be the youngest or the oldest sibling?

I am already the oldest sibling so I can’t imagine being the youngest.  

7. Would you rather get rich through hard work or through winning the lottery?

Given that I hate my job, I would definitely choose winning the lottery. I already have a plan should I do so. 

8. Would you rather have a 10-hour dinner with a headstrong politician from an opposing party, or attend a 10-hour concert for a music group you detest?

I would love to sit down for a ten hour dinner with a headstrong politician from an opposing party, somebody like Boris the Clown. I know exactly what sort of human being he is and I know exactly what would push his buttons. Not only would I give him a really hard time, I would have progressive metal as the background music to make the clown as uncomfortable as possible.  

The thought of having to endure ten hours of music I detest fills me with dread.

9. Would you rather be an Olympic gold medallist or a Nobel Peace Prize winner?

Nobel prize winners win because they have made a difference to the world in some way. That would be far more preferable to winning an Olympic gold medal.

10. Would you rather have a desk job or an outdoor job?

I like the outdoors but I prefer to enjoy it as part of my leisure. I would therefore choose a desk job.

11. Would you rather live at the top of a tall NYC apartment building or at the top of a mountain?

I am terrified of heights so really the choice would be neither. I guess you are going to push me for an answer, aren’t you? Okay – I will say the top of a mountain. 

Why? 

Well, I’ve been to New York and in the days before my fear of heights developed, I found myself at the top of the Empire State Building, laughing at a man dressed as a gorilla. I would never do that now – in fact the very thought of doing so is making my legs feel a little wobbly. 

I’ve been to the top of a mountain in Switzerland (Mount Rigi) and, while it is still very high, you don’t see the huge sheer drops and the scenery is absolutely amazing.  

11. Would you rather have Rambo or The Terminator on your side?

The Terminator is cyborg that is super strong, virtually indestructible and programmed to give his life to protect you. 

Rambo is just a soldier and, while he exceeds the qualities your everyday soldier needs to survive, he is simply human being and probably wouldn’t take a bullet for you. 

It has to be the Terminator.

12. Would you rather be proposed to in private or in front of family and friends?

I hate being the centre of attention so this answer is obvious; in private thank you very much.

13. Would you rather have to sew all your clothes or grow your own food?

My dad was a very keen gardener and used to grow vegetables in our back garden. He was so good at it that he ended up having to give a lot of them away to friends and family. He also enrolled three unwilling co-workers to assist him. The chores included digging, planting, watering, picking and handling all manner of dirt and manure. One of those unwilling co-workers was me (the other two were my sisters). And I hated every second of it.

I would therefore much rather sew my own clothes. 

14. Would you rather hear the good news or the bad news first?

I am the kind of person who likes to leave the best things until last. Hearing the bad news first is the equivalent so I will choose that.

15. Would you rather be your own boss or work for someone else?

I’m used to working for somebody else. To be honest I’m happy with that although not having to deal with pointy-haired bosses does have an appeal. 

16. Would you rather have nosy neighbours or noisy neighbours?

I did live next door to a young student recently whose rich parents had bought him a house rather than letting him rent. Sadly, this meant that he was extremely noisy, sometimes choosing to have a spontaneous party at 2am on a Wednesday night with loud dance music ripping me from my dreams. We almost came to blows several times, particularly when he told me at 3am that I was being very rude to him on his doorstep. I am not a violent or belligerent person but on that occasion I was so angry that I said to him, between gritted teeth “Step outside the house and say that!” Thankfully one of the people at the party dragged him inside and said “We’re really sorry. Of course we will turn the music down!”

Thankfully, he moved out after a few months. The last time I saw him was when I went to a gig near to the University of Manchester and I saw him at the end of the bar when I was having a post-gig pint with my mates. We looked at each other and I just raised my pint and smiled. He did the same. No words were exchanged.

I think I prefer nosy neighbours because I have curtains and blinds. 

Here is a video that sums up the experience with my noisy neighbour.

17. Would you rather be on a survival reality show or dating game show?

I would have tremendous fun on a dating game show. I wouldn’t do very well on a survival reality show.

18. Would you rather be too busy or be bored?

I can usually find something to do when bored, so I would choose to be bored but make myself busy – if that makes sense.

19. Would you rather watch the big game at home or live at the stadium.

I’ve seen several big games live in the stadium and there is nothing to beat that in my opinion. 

20. Would you rather spend the day with your favourite athlete or your favourite movie star?

If I were allowed on set to see my favourite movie star in action then I would definitely go for that. And I would be cheeky enough to ask if I could appear in a scene or two as an extra.

21. Would you rather live where it is constantly winter or where it is constantly summer?

I hate winter. Winter in the UK is cold, wet, dark and miserable and it is only Christmas that stops me from going insane. The summer months make up for it though. I think if I were omnipotent, I would tilt the earth so that the UK was roughly where Spain is now.

22. Would you rather travel the US and see the sights in a motor home or by plane?

Every time I’ve been to the US I’ve travelled around by plane, mainly due to time constraints. On my first trip there way back in 1989, we only had four weeks and I wanted to see as much as possible. A motor home would required much more time given that we travelled to New York, Washington DC, New Orleans, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Cleveland. On subsequent trips, I have hired a car to just to travel for a few hours between cities where they have comfortable hotels. If I had a year to visit other places I might consider it, although I have seen a lot of horror movies where such vehicles have been targetted and that’s the thing that puts me off.

23. Would you rather be a little late or way too early?

I am weird. I would much rather be way too early. I hate being late for anything. 

24. Would you rather have an unlimited gift certificate to a restaurant or a clothing store?

I am not a dedicated follower of fashion so it would have to be a gift certificate for a restaurant.

25. Would you rather date someone you met online or go on a blind date?

I think I would prefer to date a person I had met online. I have always been shy, though these days I can’t really claim that is still the case, so a blind date might be more traumatic, particularly if the woman in question genuinely looked disappointed when she saw me. If you have met somebody online, you will no doubt have an inkling of whether or not you will get on as well as probably knowing what she looks like and what kind of a person she is.

Conversation Starters - Part 2

Day 69 of lockdown and the sun is shining on what is a beautiful day here in South Manchester UK. I’ve already been for a five mile walk with Mrs PM down by the River Mersey, trying to avoid other walkers, joggers and cyclists.

There are already measures being taken to ease the lockdown slowly. From tomorrow we can meet up to six people either in a public place or somebody’s garden as long as we social distance and don’t go into the house. The exception is to use the toilet of course but we are meant to thoroughly clean it afterwards. I could use this to my advantage and invite friends around on the proviso that they clean my lavatory when they have finished to save me the job of doing it myself. 

Also, great news! Football will be back in a couple of weeks so we get to see the Premiership played in empty stadiums to finish off the season. Mrs PM is not very enthusiastic about that at all. I wonder why?

Anyway – time to answer some sill question from Sunday Stealing. 

Let’s dive in, shall we?

1. What do you think is the greatest television show of all time?

That’s a tricky one. Here are ten shows that I have really enjoyed over the course of my life. There are others at the edge of my memory but these are the ones that immediately leapt to mind. If I thought about it more, I would have a different list.

Babylon 5

Game of Thrones

Stranger Things

Dexter

Sons of Anarchy

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

The Walking Dead

Breaking Bad

Dr Who

Peaky Blinders

2. Would you rather win a Nobel Prize or an Academy Award?

I would like to think that I made a difference to the world and basically, being an actor isn’t going to solve anything. So definitely a Nobel Prize.

3. What one food would you banish from this earth if you could?

Rhubarb.

 It is the only food that makes me feel physically sick with the thought of putting it past my lips. I had to endure it as a child and to avoid eating it I actually hid it under the table at school. 

We used to have a teacher who forced you to eat food – a real nasty Irish teacher with a voice so shrill that it could shatter reinforced glass. I managed to palm it off on one of my weirder friends who loved rhubarb. And allowed the Irish harpy from force feeding it to me. 

I am feeling quite queasy at the moment just thinking about it.

4. What’s the scariest story you’ve ever heard?

Top 3:

Boris Johnson becoming the UK Prime Minister

The United Kingdom shooting itself in the balls and leaving the European Union

Donald Trump becoming President of the United States of America.

The world has gone mad.

5. Who is the most famous person you have ever met?

I met Thunder back stage in 2005. They are a British rock band responsible for hits like this.

Here is proof.

I also had the chance to meet another of my favourite female rock singers, Anneke van Giersbergen,  but before I knew who she was. I stood by, about three feet away, as my mate got her autograph. I took a photo of the two of them. 

I am so gutted now because she was just a support act, and I didn’t know who she was and that she had worked a lot with another musical hero of mine, Devin Townsend. If I had known, I would have insisted on a photo with her and gushed like a tiny schoolboy. Here she is, singing with Devin Townsend – what an amazing voice she has:

6. What’s something you’ve done that most people wouldn’t know or guess about you?

I’ve had a disagreement with a Russian Kremlin guard while queuing up to get into the Kremlin itself in Moscow.

I’m terrified of heights but I have climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. 

I am a bloody idiot.

7. You’re strapped in a rocket ship about to go to the moon. Are you thrilled? Or terrified?

I am absolutely terrified. My brain is not wired to cope with taking a rocket to the moon.

8. What is the correct way for toilet paper to sit on the roll?

Like this:

And it must be within easy reach of the person perched on the toilet of course. 

9. Talk about a mistake you made, or something you regret.

I wish that I had continued learning languages after school. I studied French for five years and German for three years and when I started my A-levels I could actually speak them quite well, certainly well enough to have a simple conversation with a native when I travelled to Europe for two month long trips during the summer while I was at university. I was fine in Germany and France and really should have kept it up. It is a source of constant frustration when travelling that I can’t converse with people in their own language very well.

10. What would be the best gift I could give you?

Enough money to be able to retire tomorrow.

11. What makes you feel better when you’re sad or stressed?

Listening to music, going for a walk or escaping into a good book or TV drama.

12. What is the most romantic movie you’ve ever seen?

I don’t like romantic films, as a rule, because the plots are all identical and ludicrously so in most cases. The only one I have watched more than once and genuinely laughed at is Notting Hill. I still think it’s not that great but it is the best of a bad bunch.

13. What is the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Funnily enough, I was talking about this yesterday. I had decided to go to the cinema to see the first Superman movie. Nobody else wanted to see it so I was happy to go on my own. My sister’s friend heard about this and invited herself to go with me. 

I remember when she turned up at my house to go, she was dressed up like she was going on a proper date, with excessive make-up and high heels and instantly alarm bells began to ring. I realised with horror that she had a crush on me. I also remember my dad chuckling at me and winking as we left the house. I didn’t have the same feelings for her and she kept trying to chat to me all the way through the film, which was bloody annoying. 

On the way back she insisted that her feet were hurting because of the shoes and needed support, so I walked back through the town centre with her clinging to me like I was her boyfriend. I had to let her down gently when we got back. We were both about 17 years old.

14. What is the glue that keeps couples together?

Humour and silliness helps – particularly in my case. I can be quite a funny guy when I want to be and I always try to make Mrs PM laugh. She is also very funny. We always have fun.

15.  What was your first crush.

I only ever had crushes on famous actresses like Linda Carter or Jaclyn Smith so it was one of those two.

16. When did your parents talk to you about the birds and the bees?

They never did. I heard by word of mouth and from friends. I remember hearing about the deed at the age of about seven or eight and being totally repulsed by the thought of what had to be done to produce children. I think my old man knew that I knew so he didn’t bother telling me.

17. What is your greatest achievement?

I would say it’s probably creating two wonderful kids. 

18. Were you close to your parents growing up?

Yes, I would say so. I was closer to my dad then my mum but generally we were fine as a family.

19. What was the most life-changing event you’ve ever experienced?

Going to university. I left Walsall as a naïve, spotty and scared young man and left university as an adult.

20. Have you ever had a falling out with a friend? What happened?

I wouldn’t say that I fell out with my friend Oswald (not his real name - obviously); we just lost touch and drifted apart because of circumstance. 

For many years as a child, Oswald was my best mate. He was almost exactly the same age as me (within a couple of weeks) and we were inseparable as friends. Things started to change when he left school at 16 to become a builder with his dad, while I carried on at school with A-Levels. For those couple of years we were still best mates but he had money, a second-hand car while I was still studying and broke. I think that’s when we started to drift apart. 

The final straw was when I went to university. I came back to Walsall at the end of my first year and my experiences and his were diverging. I was a different person and so was he. We went out for a few beers and ended up having a huge argument. I remember waking up the next morning thinking that something had broken between us and that the argument was the result of built up frustration. 

I went back to university and basically that killed our close friendship. I spent the remaining summers visiting friends from university and travelling in Europe and then I moved to Manchester.

I did see him on a return trip to Walsall to visit my mum a year later and discovered that he had managed to get a girl pregnant and had to marry her. I hadn’t been invited to the wedding. We had a quick chat and a laugh about the old times but it was clear that we had both moved on. 

The last I heard, was about twenty years ago when, again visiting my mum, I bumped into his mother. She told me that Oswald would love to see me again, so I gave her my phone number to give to him.

He has never called. If he did though, I would definitely go for a couple of beers with him.

Sabotage

We are in Day 62 of the lockdown and in the UK we have a bit of a lockdown scandal. The chief aide to Boris the Clown is a guy called Dominic Cummings who is partly responsible for the rules and regulations that have been inflicted upon us for the past nine weeks. He has basically flouted the lockdown rules himself by driving over 250 miles to take his child to his parent’s house to look after him because his wife had symptoms of Covid-19. 

The rules are that if you or any member of your household show the symptoms you must self-isolate for 14 days. Cummings didn’t do this and drove 260 miles away. 

Here is the man in question.

If weasels were to evolve into humanoids, they would look exactly like him.

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s answer some sill questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Of course I would. Given that we are in lockdown that person is of course Mrs PM so I would do that again repeatedly even if we weren’t stuck at home.

2. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?

 I am wearing a red shirt. You can’t get closer than that.

3. Did you meet someone new today?

Not today – it is too early. However, we have friends in Abu Dhabi and yesterday we were invited to join in their family quiz. It was amazing fun and we met many of their family members for the first time. We finished third by the way.

4. What are you craving right now?

Mrs PM is currently in the kitchen cooking a full English breakfast. The smell of bacon and sausage is driving me wild so I am definitely craving that at the moment.

5. What comes to mind when I say “cabbage.”

Sunday lunch.

6. What does your last text say?

“Cheers Steve”.

7. Do you bite into your ice cream, or just lick it?

If it is an ice cream cornet then I am a licker. If it is ice cream contained in a lolly, like a Magnum, then I am a biter.

8. Do you like your hair?

Absolutely not. One of the recurring themes in the inane drivel I write on this blog is my hatred for my own hair. I am convinced that it is sentient. It is mostly uncontrollable and the rest of the time totally annoying. As you can imagine, I can’t even get it cut at the moment due to the lockdown, so it is rampant. I am considering buying some hair clippers and Mrs PM has bravely volunteered to have a go at taming it if she can. 

I am almost tempted to shave it all off and become bald. 

Last weekend, I tried an experiment. I washed it and brushed it back while it was wet. My hair is so thick that it tends to stay in the last position I inflict upon it – or when I go to bed – the most absurd position it can ever find itself in. I walked around with my hair brushed back all day. 

Mrs PM said “I love your hair curly – it looks terrible brushed back”. 

Later in the day, I attempted to comb it forward again just to make Mrs PM happier and it refused to do so, mutating into a horrific hybrid mess. 

I went to bed. 

The following morning, I got up to go for a walk and my hair was horrendous - absolutely bloody horrendous. 

Every single hair decided to go its own way spiking up in places, laying flat in others, curling like a demented corkscrew in yet other places. 

And I had to face the public who were going through their daily exercise. I looked like a mad alien that had been tasered in the hair. 

Mrs PM didn’t think I looked too bad. I did – my hair was terrible – as it is right now.

I think I can sum this question up nicely. 

I HATE MY HAIR!

9. Do you like yourself?

Absolutely. 

As I get older I actually like myself more and more. Liking yourself is the first step to a happy life, I find. 

I watched a TED talk that touched on this recently, the gist of it being that when we are all kids we are happy but as we get older and reach middle age, we become much less happy. The good news is that after that dip, the older we get, we suddenly rediscover that happiness and by the time we reach old age we are generally more content than we have ever been. 

I am definitely on that upward curve.

10. Do you like cottage cheese?

I love cottage cheese and I don’t buy it often enough. I will have to rectify that situation.

11. What are you listening to right now?

I am listening to “Left Out” by one of my favourite bands called Riverside, a progressive group from Poland. I love this band and will take every opportunity to promote their brilliance to the world at large.

Here it is:

12. Is there anything sparkly in the room where you are?

Yes a sparkly face mask similar to this:

Last night we had a video call with our friends and were supposed to put on something silly. The mask was Mrs PM’s choice, from a Christmas Ball we went to a couple of years ago. I wore a silly wig that actually made me look better than my horrible hair does.

13. How many countries have you visited?

I have been to 35 countries and around 375 cities. 

Here is a map of my travels. 

I once worked out that I had travelled over 300,000 miles and seen about 25% of the world.

Some of the more interesting countries I have been to include China, Canada, Vietnam, Russia, Australia, United States of America, Japan, Brazil, South Africa, Thailand, United Arab Emirates, Oman. One day I will try to write some kind of travelogue about my adventures.

14. Are you sarcastic?

Sarcastic? Me? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Of course I am sarcastic. I am British – we are ALL sarcastic.

15. Have you ever crawled through a window? 

Yes. When I was about 15 years old my parents were out and I was tasked with looking after the house and my two younger sisters. Some friends called around and I went out to the front garden to chat to them. My curious sisters also came out, my youngest sister at the age of 10, walked out and slammed the door shut behind her, locking us all out of the house.

I didn’t want to get into trouble, so I frantically ran the back door hoping that was open. It wasn’t. Thankfully, I spotted that there was a window open – a small window where I had to climb up and slide down into the room beyond. I managed somehow to squeeze through, although I almost broke some items on the other side. 

And did my parents find out? No – until about two weeks later when my youngest sister, the one who had locked us all out, grassed me up (and herself) by innocently telling my mum about it.

And yes – I was in trouble.

Ty and Logan

Day 55 of the lockdown and things are moving slightly. There is a rough timetable to easing the lockdown over the coming weeks and months but, as you can probably guess, Boris the Clown has been suitably vague and actually started to confuse people in the UK about what we can do at the moment. 

I won’t elaborate but suffice it to say his usual blustering buffoonery is still evident in what should be a clear message. It’s not. 

But, hey, we are talking about Boris Johnson so I didn’t expect it to be. For me, nothing has changed and I shall maintain the same level of lockdown at least for the next couple of weeks.

For now, let’s answer some silly questions from Sunday Stealing. 

1. Where did your name come from?

My forenames are David George and I have to thank my mother for that. My dad’s fornames were George William as was his father and, apparently, his father before him. My mum put her foot down and told him that she didn’t like the name George. The compromise was to have George as my middle name. My mum liked David and so that became my name. I am glad for that. I love the name Dave.

2. Where were you born?

I was born in a rather large town called Walsall that is about ten miles north of England’s second city, Birmingham and about 75 miles south of where I live now.

Here is where it is. 

3. What as your house like, growing up.

I lived in a small three bedroomed terrace house until the age of about 8 and then we moved to a small three-bedroomed detached house next to a park. It was a small house but, being the oldest of three kids, with two younger sisters, I was the only person in the house to have a room of my own. It was a nice enough little house and the proximity to the park meant that I spent a lot of time outdoors with friends running around, playing football etc etc.

4. What was your childhood bedroom like?

It was small but had enough room for a big cupboard and a wardrobe. On top of the cupboard I had my dad’s old music centre, so I could play records and tapes and listen to the radio, something which my dad in particular wasn’t keen on. When I discovered heavy metal, he used to come up and tell me off for playing it too loudly. It was the only thing that he couldn’t change about me.

5. Did you travel as a child? Where?

Not really. We went for holidays in England to places like Brighton, Minehead, Skegness and Blackpool but, sadly, we didn’t venture abroad.

6. Write about your grandparents.

All four grandparents were amazing people. On my mum’s side, my grandad was a retired bus mechanic, a very intelligent man who loved books. They lived next door so I spent a lot of time there, talking to him, reading his books and helping him with odd jobs. Although he had retired, he simply couldn’t keep still and had part time jobs from home just to keep his mind active. My grandmother was the sweetest woman you would ever meet and I never saw her without a smile. They were both strict Catholics and used to take me to church as a youngster. They both sadly died within a couple of years of each other, my grandmother the last one when I was about 11. 

On my dad’s side, my grandad fought in World War 2 and was captured and held prisoner in Germany until the war ended. My grandmother thought he had been killed and when, in 1946, he turned up on the doorstep and said “I’m back”, she apparently fainted. My grandad was a very interesting and sweet man who rarely spoke about his ordeal in the war and was the last of all of my grandparents to go. My grandmother was lovely but quite strict with us. Sadly we lost her when I was about 20. My grandad lived on for another couple of years and died of lung cancer at the age of 84 when I was about 24 years old. 

7. Who taught you how to drive?

I learned to drive when I was in my early twenties and passed my test first time. The guy who taught me was the next door neighbour of a work colleague and was in his late sixties and a retired driving instructor who still gave a few lessons for friends of friends to keep himself busy but charged a cheaper rate. I am very grateful to him and the patience he had.

8. When did you first leave home?

I left home at the age of 18 to go to university in Liverpool.

9. What did your parents do for work?

My dad worked in a factory making bolts and nuts and my mum really only looked after the kids. We were a working class family really.

10. Who inspired you as you matured?

My dad. He was a very intelligent guy but a war child who never really had the chance to finish his education and improve his life. He saw something in me and drove me to do well in school. I managed to get a place in the grammar school in Walsall and that made him so proud because it opened up more opportunities for me, resulting in me becoming thee first person in my family to go to university. Thankfully he knew about it before his untimely death in the early 1980’s. I owe him everything.

11. What was the best part of your 20s?

I loved being in my 20’s and if I could go back to that time, I would do it in a heartbeat. What was the best part? There are too many to choose from; being at university, moving to Manchester where I bought my first house, travelling abroad for the first time. Take your pick.

12. What as the best part of your 30s?

I would say the birth of my two boys.

13. Where is the most fascinating place you’ve visited?

I have travelled to many places all over the world, but by far the most fascinating place is Japan. It is an incredible country full of amazing people, strange customs and a unique outlook on life. I desperately want to go back there and plan to do so within the next few years.

14. What is your favourite family story?

That’s a really tough question. The holidays in Brighton were quite memorable with my dad urging us to spend one day on a long walk along the cliffs and through the Sussex countryside for the whole day rather than going to the funfair and the beach. These days I would much rather go for the walk but back then we loved the beach and the fairground. Sadly, my dad always got his way (he was very persuasive) and we would have to go for a ten mile hike despite the fact that nobody else wanted to do it. It was only one day though so we did it just to shut him up.

15. What was your most memorable birthday?

My thirtieth birthday was quite memorable because I had a surprise party. My ex-wife took me for a meal on Saturday night and then complained that she was felling ill, so we had the main course and went home. I was disappointed but if she was ill, what could I do? It was a ruse and when I opened the door to my house, I was confronted with “SURPRISE!” and bombarded with a barrage of cuddly toys hurled at me by my mates. I have never been so shocked. We had a great party that went on until the early hours of morning.

16. What was your favourite food as a child?

I have to say it was my dad’s Sunday dinner. My dad was a very good cook and he and my mum shared the responsibility but on Sunday he completely took over the kitchen and cooked what was always an amazing family meal. You can imagine what Christmas dinner was like too. Incredible.

Black Feathers

Day 48 of the lockdown and apparently the clown that has somehow fooled people into believing that he is a worthy Prime Minister of my country is going to demonstrate his “wisdom” in a declaration of how we are going to ease lockdown measures over the coming weeks and months in a speech this evening.

I can’t say I’m anticipating any immediate relaxation of the lockdown to be honest and rumour has it that he may allow a few more shops to open as an opening gambit. Hopefully this is the case because, as much as I hate the lockdown and given the statistics, we are not ready to ease anything just yet.

Some people are praising Boris Johnson but when you look at the statistics, we, as a country, have handled the whole thing very very badly. We now have the most deaths in Europe and the second most deaths for a country in the world behind the United States.

It’s all very depressing so I think I will cheer myself up with some silly questions from Sunday Stealing.

1. Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

I haven’t really thought about that to be honest. I tend to alternate but I sometimes use different coloured pens at work to highlight different things or the importance of things I have to do. I will say blue because at school we used to have to use fountain pens and my favourite ink was a lovely blue colour called Royal Blue.

2. Do you prefer living in the country or the city?

I prefer the city but I do like escaping to the country. I am lucky where I live because I am five miles from the centre of Manchester with great transport links to get there easily, but equally, I am about twenty minutes drive from Cheshire, a lovely county full of small towns and villages with loads of great places to walk in the countryside and breathe the fresh country air. Also, nearby is the Peak District national park and North Wales. Plenty of scope for exploration of our beautiful countryside.

Here is a map which includes Manchester, Cheshire, the Peaks and North Wales. If you look closely you can see me - a kind of British Where's Wally.

3. How do you drink your tea or coffee?

I suck all of my drinks through my left nostril with a straw –or sometimes my right one (I like to live dangerously).

Of course I don’t. I drink it through my mouth like everybody.

Ah – okay. You mean how do I take it? I like my tea strong with just a small amount of milk and no sugar. I drink coffee black with no sugar. In both cases the beverage has to be piping hot.

Cold tea and coffee are abominations that are not meant to be.

4. Do you prefer bath or shower?

I haven’t had a bath for several years.

No – that doesn’t mean I am a dirty old man. I much prefer showers and I have one every morning.

5. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

For the convenience, I prefer using a Kindle because in those reckless days when I could go travelling, I could stash several books on the small device to enjoy for the duration, rather than having to carry loads of books and weigh down my luggage.

However, for reference books, paper is so much better.

6. Would you ever want to be famous?

Not really. I like my privacy and I fear that if I were famous, my entire life would be subject to public scrutiny and I would be forever paranoid about being a target for prying paparazzi and unscrupulous reporters.

I’d quite like the money though, so if fame is going to come my way, it would have to be anonymously like an author using a pen name such as Theo Plastique or something like that.

7. Are you a restless sleeper?

Rarely. I actually had a nightmare about a month ago and I have no idea why. I won’t go into details but suffice it to say, I sat up in bed, in pitch black darkness with a pounding heart and heavy breathing. Mrs PM was snoring gently next to me, oblivious to my trauma. I then found myself smiling and slightly excited that I had had a dream that had caused me some distress. I lay down again and stayed awake for about half an hour trying to work out what caused the dream.  But then I dozed off and, like every other night, slept through until morning in blissful slumber.

8. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten?

I have been to China and Japan so the list is endless. I am a fussy eater and I have to know what the food is before I will agree to try it and then I have to be slightly adventurous.

I would say that the strangest things are jellyfish, which I had in China and Japan, and Kangaroo steak which I had in Australia.

9. Do you like cereal crunchy or soggy?

Definitely crunchy. Soggy cereal is disgusting.

10. Do you like ice in your drinks?

Only if it is really hot outside.

11. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean?

Swimming in the sea is more exciting but I hate the sand on my feet and the bits of seaweed floating about (I have a fear of seaweed after an episode of Dr Who I saw as a child).

I guess I would have to say a swimming pool because it is cleaner and there is no sand.

12. What can you hear right now?

The clacking of my keyboard, the washing machine and a progressive metal masterpiece from Sons of Apollo called Fall to Ascend:

13. Where do you feel the safest?

I would probably say at home. I haven’t really thought about it to be honest.

14. What would you like your legacy to be?

I’d like to think that I made a positive difference to somebody’s life.

15. Do you like spicy food?

I love spicy food – but not too spicy. I like to enjoy the meal and the moment it becomes painful to eat, it ceases to be enjoyable.